fic: the closest to heaven (6b/12)
Title: The Closest to Heaven
Pairing: Kurt/Blaine
Rating: R (see warnings, also - sexual situations in later chapters)
Word Count: 3,829 for this part; 18,737 overall
Warnings: character death, depression, self-harm, suicide attempts, psychiatric hospitalization, hospitalization for heart issues, bullying, gay-bashing, homophobia, talk of drug and alcohol abuse, talk of involvement with gangs, talk of ocd
Summary: Confined to the walls of the UC Neuroscience Institute, Blaine Anderson has completely given up on life. But when he meets Kurt Hummel - a boy who’s remaining strong even though his own life is falling apart, Blaine begins to realize that maybe he doesn’t have to give up just yet. Maybe he’s strong enough to keep fighting.
.
.
As soon as Blaine leaves Kurt's company, the loss of Cooper begins to hang over him like a raincloud again. His chest feels tight, and his body feels tired. He has to drag himself back to the Mood Disorders Center, the thought of a lecture only making him feel worse.
As he nears the glaring blue sign, he hears the shout of a familiar voice. He turns his head, watching as Puck is dragged past by two nurses.
"Stay away from me!" he screams. "Just get the hell out of here and leave me alone! Somebody make him go!"
"Sarah," one of the nurses dragging him hisses to the receptionist. "Escort that man out, and make sure he never returns. His name is Rufus Puckerman if you want to put him on the list."
The receptionist rushes forward, two security guards following after her. The man who Blaine assumes is Puck's father is pushed from the building. The security guards follow him down the street, and one stays by the doors after they return.
Puck doesn't show up for the lecture, and later, Blaine finds out from Emma that he's been put in a "special room" for the night. Blaine knows it's a padded room. Whenever patients have breakdowns and can't calm down, they're put in one just to make sure they don't hurt themselves or society. Blaine sincerely hopes he'll never have to spend a night or two in there.
"Blaine?" Emma asks. "Blaine, are you alright?"
He gives himself a shake, looking back at her. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."
Emma cocks her head, raising her eyebrows.
Blaine sighs. "No, I'm not. I'm - I'm upset, but I don't want to talk about it." Talking about it with Kurt was easy, because that's just the way they are, but Blaine's still uncomfortable talking about things with people in the Mood Disorders Center.
"Not with me?" Emma asks, and sometimes it scares Blaine how well she knows him. "Well, you know if you're comfortable, you do have a therapy session with Marianne tomorrow."
Blaine contemplates the option and pretty quickly decides it's worth a shot. If anyone can make him feel better about this besides Kurt, it's Marianne. That's what therapists are for, right?
"Yeah, okay, "Blaine says. "I think I will."
"Good," Emma replies. "And, Blaine, do you think you'll be okay without Noah tonight?"
Blaine laughs slightly. "Yeah. I think I'll do fine without his snoring."
Emma laughs as well, her eyes sparkling with something that resembles pride. "I know you might not be fully happy right now, Blaine, especially with whatever happened today, but you're doing so much better."
Blaine looks down at the table, nodding awkwardly.
"And I'm proud of you, Blaine. Depression is a difficult disease to deal with, but you've been working really hard to overcome it, and I think it's starting to pay off."
Blaine swallows hard. He would agree to some extent, but if he's being completely honest, he's still having an extremely hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Suicidal thoughts still haunt him at least ten times a day, and he's almost sure as soon as he leaves this place, he'll go right back to where he was.
But there's still a small part of him, somewhere deep inside that believes that maybe, just maybe everyone's right. Maybe he can beat this.
"I'm really tired, Mrs. Pillsbury," Blaine says after a minute or so of silence. "I think I'm going to go to bed."
"Sleep well," Emma replies as Blaine stands up.
In all honesty, it is weird to sleep without Puck. There was some kind of comfort in sharing a room, just knowing that someone else was there if Blaine had a nightmare or even a panic attack like the ones he used to get at Dalton - and most of all, someone who understood. Someone who knew just what to do in order to calm Blaine down. It was nice to share that companionship. Blaine knows that Puck will be back, but he's also leaving this place a week before Blaine does. Blaine hopes that he'll be well enough by the then to take on Puck's old role to whoever joins him as his new roommate.
The moon is bright outside the window to Blaine and Puck's room, and Blaine stares at it for a moment, wishing he could see the stars he knows are surrounding it. It's impossible in a big city like this, and Blaine feels a pang of homesickness.
He just wants to be back in Westerville. He wants to see his friends and be back in school. He wishes he could just rewind the clock to even his early days of depression, when he could still hang out with his friends and feel normal, when it only plagued him in small bouts through the weeks. Things were so much easier then, and as Blaine drifts off to sleep, he hopes he can reach that point sometime soon, maybe even heal past that. Maybe he could really be happy again.
.
chapter 7
Pairing: Kurt/Blaine
Rating: R (see warnings, also - sexual situations in later chapters)
Word Count: 3,829 for this part; 18,737 overall
Warnings: character death, depression, self-harm, suicide attempts, psychiatric hospitalization, hospitalization for heart issues, bullying, gay-bashing, homophobia, talk of drug and alcohol abuse, talk of involvement with gangs, talk of ocd
Summary: Confined to the walls of the UC Neuroscience Institute, Blaine Anderson has completely given up on life. But when he meets Kurt Hummel - a boy who’s remaining strong even though his own life is falling apart, Blaine begins to realize that maybe he doesn’t have to give up just yet. Maybe he’s strong enough to keep fighting.
.
.
As soon as Blaine leaves Kurt's company, the loss of Cooper begins to hang over him like a raincloud again. His chest feels tight, and his body feels tired. He has to drag himself back to the Mood Disorders Center, the thought of a lecture only making him feel worse.
As he nears the glaring blue sign, he hears the shout of a familiar voice. He turns his head, watching as Puck is dragged past by two nurses.
"Stay away from me!" he screams. "Just get the hell out of here and leave me alone! Somebody make him go!"
"Sarah," one of the nurses dragging him hisses to the receptionist. "Escort that man out, and make sure he never returns. His name is Rufus Puckerman if you want to put him on the list."
The receptionist rushes forward, two security guards following after her. The man who Blaine assumes is Puck's father is pushed from the building. The security guards follow him down the street, and one stays by the doors after they return.
Puck doesn't show up for the lecture, and later, Blaine finds out from Emma that he's been put in a "special room" for the night. Blaine knows it's a padded room. Whenever patients have breakdowns and can't calm down, they're put in one just to make sure they don't hurt themselves or society. Blaine sincerely hopes he'll never have to spend a night or two in there.
"Blaine?" Emma asks. "Blaine, are you alright?"
He gives himself a shake, looking back at her. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."
Emma cocks her head, raising her eyebrows.
Blaine sighs. "No, I'm not. I'm - I'm upset, but I don't want to talk about it." Talking about it with Kurt was easy, because that's just the way they are, but Blaine's still uncomfortable talking about things with people in the Mood Disorders Center.
"Not with me?" Emma asks, and sometimes it scares Blaine how well she knows him. "Well, you know if you're comfortable, you do have a therapy session with Marianne tomorrow."
Blaine contemplates the option and pretty quickly decides it's worth a shot. If anyone can make him feel better about this besides Kurt, it's Marianne. That's what therapists are for, right?
"Yeah, okay, "Blaine says. "I think I will."
"Good," Emma replies. "And, Blaine, do you think you'll be okay without Noah tonight?"
Blaine laughs slightly. "Yeah. I think I'll do fine without his snoring."
Emma laughs as well, her eyes sparkling with something that resembles pride. "I know you might not be fully happy right now, Blaine, especially with whatever happened today, but you're doing so much better."
Blaine looks down at the table, nodding awkwardly.
"And I'm proud of you, Blaine. Depression is a difficult disease to deal with, but you've been working really hard to overcome it, and I think it's starting to pay off."
Blaine swallows hard. He would agree to some extent, but if he's being completely honest, he's still having an extremely hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Suicidal thoughts still haunt him at least ten times a day, and he's almost sure as soon as he leaves this place, he'll go right back to where he was.
But there's still a small part of him, somewhere deep inside that believes that maybe, just maybe everyone's right. Maybe he can beat this.
"I'm really tired, Mrs. Pillsbury," Blaine says after a minute or so of silence. "I think I'm going to go to bed."
"Sleep well," Emma replies as Blaine stands up.
In all honesty, it is weird to sleep without Puck. There was some kind of comfort in sharing a room, just knowing that someone else was there if Blaine had a nightmare or even a panic attack like the ones he used to get at Dalton - and most of all, someone who understood. Someone who knew just what to do in order to calm Blaine down. It was nice to share that companionship. Blaine knows that Puck will be back, but he's also leaving this place a week before Blaine does. Blaine hopes that he'll be well enough by the then to take on Puck's old role to whoever joins him as his new roommate.
The moon is bright outside the window to Blaine and Puck's room, and Blaine stares at it for a moment, wishing he could see the stars he knows are surrounding it. It's impossible in a big city like this, and Blaine feels a pang of homesickness.
He just wants to be back in Westerville. He wants to see his friends and be back in school. He wishes he could just rewind the clock to even his early days of depression, when he could still hang out with his friends and feel normal, when it only plagued him in small bouts through the weeks. Things were so much easier then, and as Blaine drifts off to sleep, he hopes he can reach that point sometime soon, maybe even heal past that. Maybe he could really be happy again.
.
chapter 7