fic: the closest to heaven (6a/12)
Title: The Closest to Heaven
Pairing: Kurt/Blaine
Rating: R (see warnings, also - sexual situations in later chapters)
Word Count: 3,829 for this part; 18,737 overall
Warnings: character death, depression, self-harm, suicide attempts, psychiatric hospitalization, hospitalization for heart issues, bullying, gay-bashing, homophobia, talk of drug and alcohol abuse, talk of involvement with gangs, talk of ocd
Summary: Confined to the walls of the UC Neuroscience Institute, Blaine Anderson has completely given up on life. But when he meets Kurt Hummel - a boy who’s remaining strong even though his own life is falling apart, Blaine begins to realize that maybe he doesn’t have to give up just yet. Maybe he’s strong enough to keep fighting.
A/N: Thank you to everyone keeping with this fic, and a huge thank you to Lyssa for beta-ing!
Over the next several days, Blaine attends eight private therapy sessions. They're long and tiresome, leaving him more battered and broken than he was before.
But he's healing.
He's opening up and allowing himself to dig down deep for a solution to his problems. He's not bottling everything up and refusing to seek out help. He's working with his therapist, with his nurses, with the doctors, giving them all he can so they can figure out what's wrong with him.
He's done feeling numb.
He's done feeling hopeless.
He's done feeling like it's over.
But then there's a downside to that - pain.
It's not easy talking about his past, about how he felt then and how he feels now. It's not easy talking about why he did the things he did - why he fought with his friends and family, why he quit the Warblers after Sectionals, why he stopped hanging out with his friends. And the tougher things - why he started self-harming, why he finally decided to kill himself.
Without that numbness there, without dumb excuses and the thought of things being over soon enough, the pain is so much more intense. It's raw and real, and it hurts much more than anything he's ever felt.
Thankfully, Marianne is aware of all this. She understands, and she allows Blaine to go at his own pace.
At first, they talk about easier things. They talk about Blaine coming to terms with his sexuality and coming out. They talk about the relationships he has with his brother and parents. They talk about the transition to Dalton and joining the Warblers. They talk about him making new friends and becoming somewhat of a leader in the glee club.
Once he can successfully get past all of that, they move to the tough stuff. They talk about bullies and Sadie Hawkins and being in the hospital for weeks. They talk about him fighting with his father his second night home. They talk about him sinking into a depression during his first year at Dalton and attempting suicide. They talk about his first hospital stay and the anti-depressants that didn't work and how he eventually stopped taking them. They talk about the self-harm and the self-loathing and how he eventually came to the second suicide attempt.
It's difficult, and Blaine doesn't even begin to feel better. He usually feels worse, but as Marianne reminds him, it's progress.
Now, he can talk about these things, which also means, now he can face them and finally begin to get better.
.
.
This time, Blaine's looking forward to visiting day. He waits anxiously in the lobby, eyes moving over to the doorway every few minutes, waiting until Cooper finally walks through. Blaine smiles as he stands up and walks over to meet him. Cooper embraces him in a tight hug, smiling back. He lets go, but keeps his hands on Blaine's arms.
"How are you doing, kiddo?" he asks.
"Better," Blaine replies. "Slowly but surely."
Cooper nods, arm around Blaine's shoulder as they walk forward. "That's great to hear."
"I've started therapy sessions," Blaine says, almost absentmindedly.
Cooper's eyebrows shoot up. "Really?"
Blaine nods. "They're really exhausting."
"But are they helping?" Cooper asks.
"Yeah, I guess," Blaine answers honestly. "It's all kind of complicated."
Cooper rubs Blaine's forearm. "It'll be worth it, Blaine. It'll all be worth it." There's a beat of silence, before Cooper says, "You in the mood for pizza?"
Blaine looks at him quizzically. "Cooper, you know I can't leave."
"Doesn't mean I can't bring the pizza to you," he replies. "I'll just go pick it up and we can sit down somewhere and talk - does that sound good?"
Blaine shrugs. "Sure, I guess."
"Great. Besides, I've got something to give you."
Blaine watches with a sigh stuck in his throat as Cooper pulls out his phone and orders pizza. Thirty-five minutes later, they're sitting down in the cafeteria, enjoying it. After a solid five minutes of silence, Blaine finally asks, "Okay, Cooper, what do you have for me?"
Cooper swallows before reaching into his coat pocket and pulling out Blaine's cell phone.
"Cooper, I -
"I know you're not allowed to have one," Cooper says. "But I've seen other patients with them, and I figured it wouldn't be a problem sneaking one in."
Blaine takes it hesitantly, turning it over in his hands.
"I've got your charger too," Cooper says.
"Thanks, Cooper," Blaine says, looking back up at him. "But why are you giving this to me?"
Cooper hesitates. "I want us to keep in touch."
Blaine narrows his eyes. "What do you mean?"
"I - I have some news to tell you, Blaine," Cooper says, his lips twitching, trying not to smile.
"What is it?"
"Well, I've been taking real acting lessons. I mean, after Michael Bay shot me down twice, I figured it was time to get serious and brush up on my skills. No more cockiness."
Blaine rolls his eyes.
"So I've been taking those for about four months now, and, you know, it's actually helped a ton. My teacher pulled some real natural talent out of me, and a couple of weeks ago, he set me up for my first audition after beginning lessons with him."
"And how'd that go?" Blaine asks, but the answer is not what he expects.
"Really great, actually," Cooper says. "I got a supporting role. We start shooting in Scotland next week."
Blaine feels his blood go cold, and suddenly, he's not hungry anymore.
"R - really?" he asks.
Cooper nods, not even realizing that Blaine's heart is breaking inside him.
"That's - that's awesome. I'm really happy for you, Cooper," he says, but his voice is absolutely dry.
Cooper smiles, still oblivious. "I knew you would be. Thanks for the support, squirt."
Blaine pushes his pizza away, going quiet.
He's not angry at Cooper; he's happy for him, honestly. It's just - this is the way it's always been. There's always been something bigger and better for Cooper, and Blaine's always been pushed on the backburner. Cooper means well. He absolutely loves Blaine, and Blaine knows that, but still, he can't help but feel incredibly unimportant.
Especially given what he's currently going through. He just tried to kill himself, for God's sake. Now he's got therapy, trying out anti-depressants, and the idea of going through that without Cooper - it's almost daunting. But obviously Cooper doesn't care about that, and Blaine isn't surprised.
Blaine keeps quiet and avoids Cooper's eyes as he finishes his lunch.
.
.
The courtyard is quiet today, which suits Blaine just fine. He doesn't want to have to deal with other people right now. Dealing with the weight of his brother's gaze is enough.
"You haven't said more than a few words since lunch," Cooper comments. "You okay, bud?"
Blaine shrugs. "I'm tired," he says, deflecting to his old excuse. "I told you - the therapy sessions are really draining me lately."
Cooper nods, and Blaine can't tell if he's buying it or not. "Well, is there - is there anything you want to do. I mean, I'm not going to see you for almost two months, Blaine."
Funnily enough, Blaine knows that. It's what's been eating at him for the past three hours, and Cooper's not helping one bit.
"I know," he says, hoping it didn't come out too snappy. "I just - I'm exhausted, Coop. I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize," Cooper says, clapping him lightly on the back. "It's fine, Blaine. We don't have to do anything. I'm just glad I got to see you one more time before I leave."
Blaine almost snorts. He knows he shouldn't be slipping into this mindset again; he just got out of it, but he can't help it. Cooper just dropped a bomb on him, and it's completely destroyed everything he's been working for. He's allowed to be bitter, even if it's not going to help him in the long run. Blaine gives himself a small shake, trying to rid his brain of all these thoughts if just for a moment.
Cooper hangs his arm around Blaine's shoulder. "I'm going to miss you, bud, but, man, this is such a huge opportunity. I really hope I can make you proud."
Blaine hesitates, unsure what to say. Having Cooper act so brotherly lately is completely throwing him off. They were never that close, and now to have him leaving during such a crucial time in Blaine's life, it feels so off. He knows that Cooper isn't just saying it, but it almost feels like Blaine's being ripped off. He just wants Cooper to support him completely. He doesn't want Cooper to continue leaving, only being Blaine's brother when wants to be.
Finally, Blaine says, "You will," voice tight.
Cooper smiles, rubbing his shoulder. "I really hope so, because, Blaine - I'm so proud of you. I - I know things have been really difficult for you, but you're finally stepping up and doing something about it, and I'm really happy for you."
Blaine nods, swallowing hard. He wants to tell Cooper that he's so far from better, that he's still got a long way to go and Cooper leaving isn't going to help anything, but he keeps his mouth shut. He guesses that this is the way it'll always be. He'll just have to keep sacrificing things for the sake of their relationship.
"You know," Cooper says, "once you get out of here, maybe I could bring you on set. That'd cheer you up, right?"
Blaine forces a smile. "Yeah," he says quietly.
"Scotland's beautiful. You'd really like it there, I'm sure," Cooper continues. "You've always had eyes for nature."
Blaine nods, biting his lip. As Cooper continues to blabber on about Scotland and all of the things they could do there, Blaine's heart continues to sink. He knows he won't be able to go, not in his condition. He still barely wants to get up in the morning, and anti-depressants aren't going to fix everything in a day.
And on top of that - the excitement in Cooper's voice just hurts. Because Cooper's got a bright future ahead of him. One that may or may not involve Blaine. He knows that if he won't go, Cooper will still have a blast. He'll pave his way through Hollywood and continue his life and continue to forget Blaine. It's always been that way, and it always will be.
.
.
Cooper leaves with a long hug, practically crushing Blaine in his arms. He pulls away at last and puts his hands firmly on Blaine's shoulders.
"Now, you remember to keep in touch, alright?"
"Of course," Blaine replies.
And he's pulled into another suffocating hug. "God, I'm going to miss you, Blaine."
"I'm going to miss you, too," Blaine says quietly, finally admitting it.
"You take care of yourself, okay?" Cooper says, pulling away again. "I don't want another call like the last one." His voice shakes a little, an almost invisible tremor going through him.
"I will," Blaine says. "You just go have fun in Scotland." He sounds bitter, and he knows it. Thankfully, Cooper doesn't notice, or, if he does, he doesn't show any sign of it.
He glances at the clock, seeing he's fifteen minutes past visiting hours. "Well, I should be going. I'll - I'll see you in seven weeks, squirt."
"Bye," Blaine says, tucking his hands in his pocket as Cooper heads through the glass doors. He stands there for God knows how long, trying to urge his body to move, but he feels lifeless. Eventually he has the sense to move once thoughts of Kurt enter his brain. They have a time planned to meet, which Blaine really can't miss much of, considering he has to be back in time for a lecture.
He drags himself through the hallways, which seem to be a lot quieter today - which again, suits him just fine. He needs a little quiet to soothe out all the stress he's been under lately, especially today.
Kurt's waiting for him as usual, sitting in the middle of the café with two cups of coffee. Blaine pushes the glass door open, slipping inside. Kurt looks up and smiles when he sees Blaine.
"How's your day so far?" he asks, sounding oddly tired.
Blaine sighs heavily. "Pretty crappy," he mutters, as he sits down, not even touching his coffee.
"What happened?" Kurt asks, genuinely concerned.
Blaine shakes his head, overwhelmed. "My brother," he says. "I mean, I'm happy for him, but still - it sucks. He, uh - he got a role in some new movie. A pretty big one, I guess. He's leaving to shoot in Scotland, and he's going to be gone for seven weeks."
Kurt looks at him sympathetically.
"It's just - he's the only one that's been visiting me. My parents obviously don't give a shit, and my friends are all freaked out. He's the only one that's been extremely supportive and encouraging me on. Besides you, of course," Blaine adds quickly.
"Blaine, I'm sorry," Kurt says quietly.
Blaine shakes his head again. "Don't be, I - I'm just being stupid."
"No, you're not," Kurt says, eyebrows creasing together. "Blaine, this isn't something I imagine you'd like to go through alone."
"Well, it's not just that," Blaine says, looking down and twisting his hands together on the table. "It's - Cooper's always had something else to do. Always something more important than me. In middle school, it was soccer. In high school, it was girls and theater. In college, it was - well, you can imagine. And even now - he's going to be this big movie star, finally, and I'm - I'm not going to matter anymore."
Kurt reaches out, placing his hand on Blaine's.
"Don't say that, Blaine," he says firmly. "You said your brother's the only one that's been visiting you? Does he even live in Ohio, Blaine?"
"No," Blaine says quietly. "He lives in Los Angeles."
"Even better," Kurt replies with a small smile. "Obviously, you mean a lot to him."
"It's only because of the suicide attempt," Blaine says, voice bitter.
Kurt shakes his head. "It's not, Blaine. Where are your parents, then?" Blaine looks down again, swallowing hard. "I'm not trying to make you feel bad," Kurt says quickly, realizing his mistake. "I'm just trying to show you how much your brother cares about you. Just because he's been given this opportunity, it doesn't mean he loves you any less."
Blaine sighs, pressing his lips together. "I just - I still wish he wasn't leaving. Not right now. I - I need him."
"I know," Kurt says, "But you do have me, you know."
Blaine forces a smile, looking back at him. "Thank you, Kurt." As the stress starts to wash away, Blaine looks at Kurt, really looks at him, and it's then that he notices the paleness, the bloodshot eyes. "Kurt, what's wrong?"
Kurt doesn't hesitate. He heaves a deep breath and says, "My dad's heartbeat has been dangerously irregular today. They got it under control about an hour ago, but it's not a good sign."
Blaine feels his stomach sink, nausea engulfing him. "Kurt, I'm so sorry. I - I don't know what to say, I just - I hope things improve."
"Thank you," Kurt says, voice lifeless. "I just - I don't know how much longer I can do this. We barely made it through my mother's death, and if my dad dies, I - I don't - "
Blaine swallows, and he gives Kurt's hand a squeeze. "Hey - you've been helping me not to give up on myself. Don't give up on your dad."
Kurt nods, and Blaine can see that his eyes are filling with tears. "I know. But it's just been one thing after another, Blaine. I'm not sure his body can handle this. His heart is too fragile. It just - it might be time, and I'm not sure I'm ready."
"Look," Blaine starts. "Don't even think about all that yet, okay? There'll be plenty of time to grieve if worst comes to worst, but don't sell your dad short. You have to keep hanging on for him, Kurt. He needs you."
Kurt nods again, biting his lip. He reaches up a shaking hand to wipe away the tears streaming down his cheeks. "You're right, Blaine. I just - I can't help but think that maybe - "
"And that's perfectly normal," Blaine assures, "But there's no need to get yourself so worked up when your dad isn't even counting himself out." Kurt bites his lip, trying to breathe, and Blaine gives his hand another squeeze. "Hey, look at me," he says, and Kurt does. "You're alright, and your dad's going to be."
Kurt swallows hard and wipes his eyes again. "Thank you, Blaine. Really."
"It's no problem," Blaine says.
He watches as Kurt tries to regulate his breathing, struggling to stay calm. Wordlessly, he stands up and moves around the table. He wraps his arms cautiously around Kurt's neck, pulling him into a hug. Kurt doesn't hesitate; he hugs Blaine right back, burying his face in Blaine's shoulder. His body shakes a few times, and Blaine guesses those might be sobs, but when Kurt pulls away, he's much calmer.
"Our coffee's probably cold," he says, and Blaine can't help but laugh.
"Would you like to walk through the courtyard?" Blaine asks, holding out his hand.
"Yes," Kurt says, and he grabs Blaine's hand, allowing Blaine to help him up.
They walk out together, but it isn't until they get outside that Kurt grabs his hand again, holding tightly, but not daring to entwine their fingers. Blaine smiles over at him, thinking that it feels nice. Later, when he sits down and feels his phone in his pocket, Blaine exchanges numbers with Kurt, which also helps to ease some of the pressure off his chest. Yeah, Cooper might be gone, but Blaine's still so grateful that he has Kurt.
.
.
chapter 6b
Pairing: Kurt/Blaine
Rating: R (see warnings, also - sexual situations in later chapters)
Word Count: 3,829 for this part; 18,737 overall
Warnings: character death, depression, self-harm, suicide attempts, psychiatric hospitalization, hospitalization for heart issues, bullying, gay-bashing, homophobia, talk of drug and alcohol abuse, talk of involvement with gangs, talk of ocd
Summary: Confined to the walls of the UC Neuroscience Institute, Blaine Anderson has completely given up on life. But when he meets Kurt Hummel - a boy who’s remaining strong even though his own life is falling apart, Blaine begins to realize that maybe he doesn’t have to give up just yet. Maybe he’s strong enough to keep fighting.
A/N: Thank you to everyone keeping with this fic, and a huge thank you to Lyssa for beta-ing!
Over the next several days, Blaine attends eight private therapy sessions. They're long and tiresome, leaving him more battered and broken than he was before.
But he's healing.
He's opening up and allowing himself to dig down deep for a solution to his problems. He's not bottling everything up and refusing to seek out help. He's working with his therapist, with his nurses, with the doctors, giving them all he can so they can figure out what's wrong with him.
He's done feeling numb.
He's done feeling hopeless.
He's done feeling like it's over.
But then there's a downside to that - pain.
It's not easy talking about his past, about how he felt then and how he feels now. It's not easy talking about why he did the things he did - why he fought with his friends and family, why he quit the Warblers after Sectionals, why he stopped hanging out with his friends. And the tougher things - why he started self-harming, why he finally decided to kill himself.
Without that numbness there, without dumb excuses and the thought of things being over soon enough, the pain is so much more intense. It's raw and real, and it hurts much more than anything he's ever felt.
Thankfully, Marianne is aware of all this. She understands, and she allows Blaine to go at his own pace.
At first, they talk about easier things. They talk about Blaine coming to terms with his sexuality and coming out. They talk about the relationships he has with his brother and parents. They talk about the transition to Dalton and joining the Warblers. They talk about him making new friends and becoming somewhat of a leader in the glee club.
Once he can successfully get past all of that, they move to the tough stuff. They talk about bullies and Sadie Hawkins and being in the hospital for weeks. They talk about him fighting with his father his second night home. They talk about him sinking into a depression during his first year at Dalton and attempting suicide. They talk about his first hospital stay and the anti-depressants that didn't work and how he eventually stopped taking them. They talk about the self-harm and the self-loathing and how he eventually came to the second suicide attempt.
It's difficult, and Blaine doesn't even begin to feel better. He usually feels worse, but as Marianne reminds him, it's progress.
Now, he can talk about these things, which also means, now he can face them and finally begin to get better.
.
.
This time, Blaine's looking forward to visiting day. He waits anxiously in the lobby, eyes moving over to the doorway every few minutes, waiting until Cooper finally walks through. Blaine smiles as he stands up and walks over to meet him. Cooper embraces him in a tight hug, smiling back. He lets go, but keeps his hands on Blaine's arms.
"How are you doing, kiddo?" he asks.
"Better," Blaine replies. "Slowly but surely."
Cooper nods, arm around Blaine's shoulder as they walk forward. "That's great to hear."
"I've started therapy sessions," Blaine says, almost absentmindedly.
Cooper's eyebrows shoot up. "Really?"
Blaine nods. "They're really exhausting."
"But are they helping?" Cooper asks.
"Yeah, I guess," Blaine answers honestly. "It's all kind of complicated."
Cooper rubs Blaine's forearm. "It'll be worth it, Blaine. It'll all be worth it." There's a beat of silence, before Cooper says, "You in the mood for pizza?"
Blaine looks at him quizzically. "Cooper, you know I can't leave."
"Doesn't mean I can't bring the pizza to you," he replies. "I'll just go pick it up and we can sit down somewhere and talk - does that sound good?"
Blaine shrugs. "Sure, I guess."
"Great. Besides, I've got something to give you."
Blaine watches with a sigh stuck in his throat as Cooper pulls out his phone and orders pizza. Thirty-five minutes later, they're sitting down in the cafeteria, enjoying it. After a solid five minutes of silence, Blaine finally asks, "Okay, Cooper, what do you have for me?"
Cooper swallows before reaching into his coat pocket and pulling out Blaine's cell phone.
"Cooper, I -
"I know you're not allowed to have one," Cooper says. "But I've seen other patients with them, and I figured it wouldn't be a problem sneaking one in."
Blaine takes it hesitantly, turning it over in his hands.
"I've got your charger too," Cooper says.
"Thanks, Cooper," Blaine says, looking back up at him. "But why are you giving this to me?"
Cooper hesitates. "I want us to keep in touch."
Blaine narrows his eyes. "What do you mean?"
"I - I have some news to tell you, Blaine," Cooper says, his lips twitching, trying not to smile.
"What is it?"
"Well, I've been taking real acting lessons. I mean, after Michael Bay shot me down twice, I figured it was time to get serious and brush up on my skills. No more cockiness."
Blaine rolls his eyes.
"So I've been taking those for about four months now, and, you know, it's actually helped a ton. My teacher pulled some real natural talent out of me, and a couple of weeks ago, he set me up for my first audition after beginning lessons with him."
"And how'd that go?" Blaine asks, but the answer is not what he expects.
"Really great, actually," Cooper says. "I got a supporting role. We start shooting in Scotland next week."
Blaine feels his blood go cold, and suddenly, he's not hungry anymore.
"R - really?" he asks.
Cooper nods, not even realizing that Blaine's heart is breaking inside him.
"That's - that's awesome. I'm really happy for you, Cooper," he says, but his voice is absolutely dry.
Cooper smiles, still oblivious. "I knew you would be. Thanks for the support, squirt."
Blaine pushes his pizza away, going quiet.
He's not angry at Cooper; he's happy for him, honestly. It's just - this is the way it's always been. There's always been something bigger and better for Cooper, and Blaine's always been pushed on the backburner. Cooper means well. He absolutely loves Blaine, and Blaine knows that, but still, he can't help but feel incredibly unimportant.
Especially given what he's currently going through. He just tried to kill himself, for God's sake. Now he's got therapy, trying out anti-depressants, and the idea of going through that without Cooper - it's almost daunting. But obviously Cooper doesn't care about that, and Blaine isn't surprised.
Blaine keeps quiet and avoids Cooper's eyes as he finishes his lunch.
.
.
The courtyard is quiet today, which suits Blaine just fine. He doesn't want to have to deal with other people right now. Dealing with the weight of his brother's gaze is enough.
"You haven't said more than a few words since lunch," Cooper comments. "You okay, bud?"
Blaine shrugs. "I'm tired," he says, deflecting to his old excuse. "I told you - the therapy sessions are really draining me lately."
Cooper nods, and Blaine can't tell if he's buying it or not. "Well, is there - is there anything you want to do. I mean, I'm not going to see you for almost two months, Blaine."
Funnily enough, Blaine knows that. It's what's been eating at him for the past three hours, and Cooper's not helping one bit.
"I know," he says, hoping it didn't come out too snappy. "I just - I'm exhausted, Coop. I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize," Cooper says, clapping him lightly on the back. "It's fine, Blaine. We don't have to do anything. I'm just glad I got to see you one more time before I leave."
Blaine almost snorts. He knows he shouldn't be slipping into this mindset again; he just got out of it, but he can't help it. Cooper just dropped a bomb on him, and it's completely destroyed everything he's been working for. He's allowed to be bitter, even if it's not going to help him in the long run. Blaine gives himself a small shake, trying to rid his brain of all these thoughts if just for a moment.
Cooper hangs his arm around Blaine's shoulder. "I'm going to miss you, bud, but, man, this is such a huge opportunity. I really hope I can make you proud."
Blaine hesitates, unsure what to say. Having Cooper act so brotherly lately is completely throwing him off. They were never that close, and now to have him leaving during such a crucial time in Blaine's life, it feels so off. He knows that Cooper isn't just saying it, but it almost feels like Blaine's being ripped off. He just wants Cooper to support him completely. He doesn't want Cooper to continue leaving, only being Blaine's brother when wants to be.
Finally, Blaine says, "You will," voice tight.
Cooper smiles, rubbing his shoulder. "I really hope so, because, Blaine - I'm so proud of you. I - I know things have been really difficult for you, but you're finally stepping up and doing something about it, and I'm really happy for you."
Blaine nods, swallowing hard. He wants to tell Cooper that he's so far from better, that he's still got a long way to go and Cooper leaving isn't going to help anything, but he keeps his mouth shut. He guesses that this is the way it'll always be. He'll just have to keep sacrificing things for the sake of their relationship.
"You know," Cooper says, "once you get out of here, maybe I could bring you on set. That'd cheer you up, right?"
Blaine forces a smile. "Yeah," he says quietly.
"Scotland's beautiful. You'd really like it there, I'm sure," Cooper continues. "You've always had eyes for nature."
Blaine nods, biting his lip. As Cooper continues to blabber on about Scotland and all of the things they could do there, Blaine's heart continues to sink. He knows he won't be able to go, not in his condition. He still barely wants to get up in the morning, and anti-depressants aren't going to fix everything in a day.
And on top of that - the excitement in Cooper's voice just hurts. Because Cooper's got a bright future ahead of him. One that may or may not involve Blaine. He knows that if he won't go, Cooper will still have a blast. He'll pave his way through Hollywood and continue his life and continue to forget Blaine. It's always been that way, and it always will be.
.
.
Cooper leaves with a long hug, practically crushing Blaine in his arms. He pulls away at last and puts his hands firmly on Blaine's shoulders.
"Now, you remember to keep in touch, alright?"
"Of course," Blaine replies.
And he's pulled into another suffocating hug. "God, I'm going to miss you, Blaine."
"I'm going to miss you, too," Blaine says quietly, finally admitting it.
"You take care of yourself, okay?" Cooper says, pulling away again. "I don't want another call like the last one." His voice shakes a little, an almost invisible tremor going through him.
"I will," Blaine says. "You just go have fun in Scotland." He sounds bitter, and he knows it. Thankfully, Cooper doesn't notice, or, if he does, he doesn't show any sign of it.
He glances at the clock, seeing he's fifteen minutes past visiting hours. "Well, I should be going. I'll - I'll see you in seven weeks, squirt."
"Bye," Blaine says, tucking his hands in his pocket as Cooper heads through the glass doors. He stands there for God knows how long, trying to urge his body to move, but he feels lifeless. Eventually he has the sense to move once thoughts of Kurt enter his brain. They have a time planned to meet, which Blaine really can't miss much of, considering he has to be back in time for a lecture.
He drags himself through the hallways, which seem to be a lot quieter today - which again, suits him just fine. He needs a little quiet to soothe out all the stress he's been under lately, especially today.
Kurt's waiting for him as usual, sitting in the middle of the café with two cups of coffee. Blaine pushes the glass door open, slipping inside. Kurt looks up and smiles when he sees Blaine.
"How's your day so far?" he asks, sounding oddly tired.
Blaine sighs heavily. "Pretty crappy," he mutters, as he sits down, not even touching his coffee.
"What happened?" Kurt asks, genuinely concerned.
Blaine shakes his head, overwhelmed. "My brother," he says. "I mean, I'm happy for him, but still - it sucks. He, uh - he got a role in some new movie. A pretty big one, I guess. He's leaving to shoot in Scotland, and he's going to be gone for seven weeks."
Kurt looks at him sympathetically.
"It's just - he's the only one that's been visiting me. My parents obviously don't give a shit, and my friends are all freaked out. He's the only one that's been extremely supportive and encouraging me on. Besides you, of course," Blaine adds quickly.
"Blaine, I'm sorry," Kurt says quietly.
Blaine shakes his head again. "Don't be, I - I'm just being stupid."
"No, you're not," Kurt says, eyebrows creasing together. "Blaine, this isn't something I imagine you'd like to go through alone."
"Well, it's not just that," Blaine says, looking down and twisting his hands together on the table. "It's - Cooper's always had something else to do. Always something more important than me. In middle school, it was soccer. In high school, it was girls and theater. In college, it was - well, you can imagine. And even now - he's going to be this big movie star, finally, and I'm - I'm not going to matter anymore."
Kurt reaches out, placing his hand on Blaine's.
"Don't say that, Blaine," he says firmly. "You said your brother's the only one that's been visiting you? Does he even live in Ohio, Blaine?"
"No," Blaine says quietly. "He lives in Los Angeles."
"Even better," Kurt replies with a small smile. "Obviously, you mean a lot to him."
"It's only because of the suicide attempt," Blaine says, voice bitter.
Kurt shakes his head. "It's not, Blaine. Where are your parents, then?" Blaine looks down again, swallowing hard. "I'm not trying to make you feel bad," Kurt says quickly, realizing his mistake. "I'm just trying to show you how much your brother cares about you. Just because he's been given this opportunity, it doesn't mean he loves you any less."
Blaine sighs, pressing his lips together. "I just - I still wish he wasn't leaving. Not right now. I - I need him."
"I know," Kurt says, "But you do have me, you know."
Blaine forces a smile, looking back at him. "Thank you, Kurt." As the stress starts to wash away, Blaine looks at Kurt, really looks at him, and it's then that he notices the paleness, the bloodshot eyes. "Kurt, what's wrong?"
Kurt doesn't hesitate. He heaves a deep breath and says, "My dad's heartbeat has been dangerously irregular today. They got it under control about an hour ago, but it's not a good sign."
Blaine feels his stomach sink, nausea engulfing him. "Kurt, I'm so sorry. I - I don't know what to say, I just - I hope things improve."
"Thank you," Kurt says, voice lifeless. "I just - I don't know how much longer I can do this. We barely made it through my mother's death, and if my dad dies, I - I don't - "
Blaine swallows, and he gives Kurt's hand a squeeze. "Hey - you've been helping me not to give up on myself. Don't give up on your dad."
Kurt nods, and Blaine can see that his eyes are filling with tears. "I know. But it's just been one thing after another, Blaine. I'm not sure his body can handle this. His heart is too fragile. It just - it might be time, and I'm not sure I'm ready."
"Look," Blaine starts. "Don't even think about all that yet, okay? There'll be plenty of time to grieve if worst comes to worst, but don't sell your dad short. You have to keep hanging on for him, Kurt. He needs you."
Kurt nods again, biting his lip. He reaches up a shaking hand to wipe away the tears streaming down his cheeks. "You're right, Blaine. I just - I can't help but think that maybe - "
"And that's perfectly normal," Blaine assures, "But there's no need to get yourself so worked up when your dad isn't even counting himself out." Kurt bites his lip, trying to breathe, and Blaine gives his hand another squeeze. "Hey, look at me," he says, and Kurt does. "You're alright, and your dad's going to be."
Kurt swallows hard and wipes his eyes again. "Thank you, Blaine. Really."
"It's no problem," Blaine says.
He watches as Kurt tries to regulate his breathing, struggling to stay calm. Wordlessly, he stands up and moves around the table. He wraps his arms cautiously around Kurt's neck, pulling him into a hug. Kurt doesn't hesitate; he hugs Blaine right back, burying his face in Blaine's shoulder. His body shakes a few times, and Blaine guesses those might be sobs, but when Kurt pulls away, he's much calmer.
"Our coffee's probably cold," he says, and Blaine can't help but laugh.
"Would you like to walk through the courtyard?" Blaine asks, holding out his hand.
"Yes," Kurt says, and he grabs Blaine's hand, allowing Blaine to help him up.
They walk out together, but it isn't until they get outside that Kurt grabs his hand again, holding tightly, but not daring to entwine their fingers. Blaine smiles over at him, thinking that it feels nice. Later, when he sits down and feels his phone in his pocket, Blaine exchanges numbers with Kurt, which also helps to ease some of the pressure off his chest. Yeah, Cooper might be gone, but Blaine's still so grateful that he has Kurt.
.
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chapter 6b