fic: the sweetest reward
Title: The Sweetest Reward
Pairings/Characters: Emma, Blaine, Sam, Finn, Burt; Kurt/Blaine
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 5,071
Warnings/Spoilers: mentions of depression, self-harm, suicide, gay-bashing, infidelity; all aired episodes as well as spoilers for upcoming episodes to 4x11
Summary: For Emma, helping kids find happiness is the best kind of satisfaction
Emma Pillsbury prides herself in her work. Helping kids work through their problems gives her a feeling of satisfaction like nothing else, and that’s one of the main reasons she can’t go with Will to Washington. There are too many kids at McKinley who need her help, and she needs those kids just as much as they need her.
However, the beginning of the school year starts out slow. Mostly, she’s been talking to seniors who need advice on college, or new kids who need help finding out ways to get involved and fit in. She hasn’t found that difficult case yet, the one that will consume all of her energy and come out with the sweetest reward.
But then the school musical rolls around, and Emma hears from Will how hard it’s been for Finn and Artie to work with the new kids, two of whom have leads.
“What about the older kids?” she asks. “Can’t they help out a little bit - set good examples?”
Will nods. “They should, but since Mike and Mercedes left, it’s just been Finn and Artie. Sam’s not as experienced, and he’s about as distracted as the younger kids. Tina doesn’t like giving directions, and she’s been insanely busy with the amount of dance classes she’s taking in preparation for college auditions. And Sugar’s well - Sugar.”
“What about Blaine?”
Will hesitates, and a look of mingled concern and confusion overcomes his expression. “That’s the strangest part. After his audition, Artie and Finn offered him Danny on the spot, but he refused. I guess he told them he couldn’t play the truth of Danny. In the end, they cast him as Teen Angel, and he - well, it doesn’t even seem like he wants to be there at all. He spends his time offstage in the back of house, sitting alone. And when they call him onstage, it seems like it’s such a strain for him to go through his scene.”
Emma blinks, confused. “Blaine?” she asks, just to clarify. “But he was Tony last year, and he really seemed to enjoy it. This sounds so unlike him.”
“Yeah,” Will agrees with a sigh. “I’ve tried to talk to him, but he tells me he’s fine. Maybe he’s just really stressed about college. I know the application process is nerve-wracking.”
Emma doesn’t say anything, she just nods and makes a mental note to try and get Blaine into her office. Briefly, she wonders if she’s found that worthwhile case, the one that will take the most effort but give the most satisfactory ending.
.
.
Later, Emma finds out what exactly went down during Blaine’s audition from Finn. He comes in with Sam the next day at school, and they talk to her about how worried they are for Blaine. Finn talks about the audition, how distracted he was at the time because of his own stupid self-pity. He describes Blaine’s breakdown in a heartbreaking voice, talking about how he was crying through his words, and how he ran offstage before he could openly sob.
Sam talks about the conversations they’ve been having, how lifeless Blaine seems. How he doesn’t get enough sleep and hardly eats anything at lunch. How irritable and anxious he is and how his grade is slipping dramatically in Calculus.
Immediately, a number of symptoms and their illnesses flash in Emma’s mind, and she absently straightens a pamphlet on her desk entitled, Depression and You: How to Combat the Crippling Social Ineptitude and Extreme Anxiety.
“Well,” she starts. “I would love to talk to him. It sounds to me that you guys are right - it looks like he’s having a very hard time with something - “
“He and Kurt broke up,” Finn interrupts, and Emma looks up at him. “Sam and I figured maybe that’s what’s so wrong, but it’s been like six weeks already, and he’s still acting like his life is over.”
Emma heaves a small sigh, looking back down at the pamphlet she’s been messing with. “Boys,” she starts. “Have you ever heard of the term ‘depression’?”
They both nod.
“Yeah,” Sam says. “That means that you’re like, really sad, right?”
“In the general sense, yes,” Emma replies. “But it can also define a mental illness. People who are depressed are typically extremely pessimistic. They become withdrawn from life, they turn away from social activity, and they don’t find joy in things they used to love. Sometimes, they have trouble sleeping, they lose their appetites, they start performing poorly in work or at school. In the end, it’s a very dangerous destination, and many end up killing themselves.”
Both Finn and Sam stare at Emma wordlessly, all color draining from their faces. After a minute, Finn speaks slowly.
“Wait, Ms. Pillsbury - do you think that maybe Blaine - ?”
“Look, I’m not trying to scare you,” Emma tries to reassure, “but it’s a possibility, and judging from what you’ve told me, a very likely one.”
Finn and Sam nod solemnly, and it looks like they understand how serious this might be.
“I doubt Blaine is going to kill himself tomorrow, or next week, or any time soon,” Emma continues. “But he’s hurting, and if depression is the case, that hurt won’t ever go away. It’s going to eat at him until he can’t stand it, and he’ll try to end it in the last way he knows how. He needs to talk to someone.”
“Well, should - should we bring him in here to see you?” Finn asks.
“That would be great,” Emma replies, “but only if he’s willing. I won’t be able to help unless he wants me to.”
“But what if he doesn’t?” Sam asks. “What if he doesn’t ever want you to and he just keeps acting like this until he kills himself.”
“He won’t,” Emma says. “And I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but admitting there’s a problem is the hardest step, and Blaine might not want to admit that the problem is this serious. He might talk about how he’s upset over Kurt, but I think now, all of us know better. Also - sometimes people in his position communicate in ways we can’t always understand. He might be asking for help, but we don’t even realize. Some people with depression do it in the form of pushing people away, hoping that people notice the change in their attitude and talk sense into them. Some people do it self-destructive forms like cutting, hoping people will notice the long sleeves or the flash of scars and say something.”
Sam turns a sudden shade of green, and Emma feels her heart ache.
“Sam?” she asks.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I just - I don’t want to imagine Blaine doing anything like that. I don’t want him to hurt himself or kill himself, that just - it makes me feel like - “ He sighs, breaking off and closing his eyes for a second.
The three of them sit quietly for a second until Finn breaks the almost dead silence.
“You know, back in sophomore year, Kurt went through something like this,” he says quietly. “Rachel talked to me about how worried she was, how she’d done research and found out that gay kids were five times more likely to kill themselves. I didn’t even make that connection until now that Blaine fits that category. I’d always been so worried about Kurt, about how much he had to go through, and if he’d give up one day, but he’s strong. I just talked to him last night, and he already seems like he’s moving on at least a little bit. He sounds happier every time I talk to him, like he’s making progress. He’s always been that way. Everything just seems to roll off him.
“But I remember sometimes the way Kurt would talk about Blaine. There’d be nights were he would go on for hours when they first got together. Because they’d have like real, deep talks and stuff, and Kurt would be so shaken up on Blaine’s behalf he wouldn’t shut up, and he told me things I don’t think I was ever supposed to know. In fact, Blaine would probably kill me if he knew I knew.”
“Like what?” Ms. Pillsbury asks, and her heart is pounding. It’s this kind of thing - this kind of breakthrough that always seems to make the hugest difference in the world, if she can understand a kid just a little bit more, it’s easier to help them find the kind of things they need, the kind of guidance that will help get through whatever is ailing them.
“Just - everything about his past. Blaine doesn’t like talking about personal things, not even to Kurt. But he does, because he trusts Kurt.”
Kurt. That’s all Emma’s getting from this. Kurt, Kurt, Kurt. And it’s starting to dawn on her now. She heard about them breaking up, of course. All the scandalized kids in the halls whispering the same word over and over: cheater. She’s starting to see how much this breakup may have fueled the possibility of depression in Blaine. How his behavior may have strengthened any issues in self-loathing, how losing his boyfriend may have increased feelings of loneliness, and now Emma’s realizing that taking Kurt away has created another major problem. From what she’s hearing, it seems like Kurt is the only one who would be able to get through to Blaine, the only he’d feel comfortable confiding in, and now he’s lost that, and he has no one to go to.
“It was around prom junior year,” Finn continues, “Kurt came home from his date and collapsed on the couch. Mom and Burt were out, and I was at home watching TV. And Kurt just started spilling out all of his thoughts, and he kind of told me how Blaine had been gay-bashed - like not that long before they met. He got beat up at a school dance and spent awhile in the hospital. And of course, I’ve heard Burt talking about Blaine’s dad. He’s not really supportive of Blaine, at least not as much as Burt is of Kurt, and I guess that really infuriated him.”
And yet another thing to tack onto the list - a strained relationship with his father. The more Emma learns, the more Blaine’s past seems to carve this illness into him.
“God, I feel so stupid for not realizing sooner,” Finn mutters. “Like I knew something was wrong with Blaine, but I just figured he’d get over it, you know. I didn’t even think about him having depression or anything.”
“Finn,” Emma says sternly, looking at him with huge, sympathetic eyes. “Finn, look at me. You too, Sam. Listen to me - this is neither of your faults. What’s happened to Blaine, the way he’s feeling - it has nothing to do with you. Honestly, we don’t even know if he is depressed. That will be up to a psychiatrist. And for now, the only thing we can do is be there for him, and be ready if he wants to talk, or dangerous signs show up. You guys have been doing great so far, and I really appreciate you coming in here to talk to me. I’ll make sure to keep an eye out for Blaine, and if I see him in real trouble, we’ll figure out what to do, okay? I know many, many psychiatrists in this town, and if need be, we’ll get him the help he needs, okay?”
Finn and Sam look at her, sad and sheepish expression on their faces. Finn can’t meet her eyes, and Sam’s chewing on his lips with great force.
“Hey,” she says. “I’m serious. Don’t beat yourselves up over this, just keep looking out for Blaine the way you are.”
“We will, Ms. Pillsbury,” Finn says. “We promise.”
They leave her office, heavy and worry-stricken, and Emma heaves a sigh. This is most definitely the difficult case, and that becomes evident as she spends her entire afternoon writing notes on Blaine and the thousands of possibilities that could be going on with him.
.
.
When Kurt and Rachel arrive in Lima for the opening night of Grease, immediately the red warning lights and blaring siren go off in Emma’s mind. She’s not sure how much contact Kurt and Blaine have had during the past month and a half, but if they’ve had any, it hasn’t been good, because just yesterday, Will came home to tell her Blaine had another breakdown onstage and had stormed out of rehearsal. Sam had called him later, and Blaine had apologized endless times, but Sam had assured him it’s alright. They all know how stressful the last week of rehearsal can be, and Blaine should just relax before the pressure of opening night becomes too much. Blaine had then thanked them and hung up, and Sam and Finn exchanged worried glances.
Kurt shows up happy and excited to be back home. He spends much of his time with either Finn or Rachel, and Emma wonders if he’s spoken to Blaine yet, if he’ll see what Finn and Sam have and what his reaction will be.
As it turns out, Kurt and Blaine should have stayed away from each other. Blaine doesn’t find out Kurt’s back until during the production, when he spots Kurt in the audience and stumbles over his line. He finishes his scene, and his rendition of Beauty School Drop Out is absolutely spectacular, but as he rushes offstage, Emma knows there’s trouble coming.
And it does.
After the show’s over, everyone talks and catches up, and in the chaos, Kurt and Blaine disappear somewhere. Kurt comes back later with bloodshot eyes, and Rachel talks to him quietly as she rubs her hand over his upper arm. Blaine is nowhere in sight.
Eventually, as Sam makes his rounds congratulating the rest of the cast, he notices that Blaine’s missing, and he disappears too. It doesn’t take long for him to return and find Emma, a little breathless as he explains he found Blaine in the bathroom, sitting on the floor in one of the stalls, hiccupping and extremely out of it.
Emma wastes no time in following after him, asking question after question as Sam leads her to one of the empty classrooms by the library.
“I think something happened between him and Kurt,” he explains. “He just kept whimpering when I tried to talk to him. And the only thing he said was that he wanted to throw up.”
When they step into the classroom, Blaine is sitting at a desk, hunched over with his head in his arms. He’s still dressed as Teen Angel, but his hair is all messed up, his curls breaking through the gel and sticking up in places where he must have pulled at it.
“Blaine?”
And when he lifts his head, he looks like a complete mess. His stage makeup has bled together from the tears, and his eyes are red and puffy.
“Blaine, honey,” Emma says carefully. “What’s going on?”
He shakes his head, not speaking.
“Seriously, Blaine,” Sam jumps in. “What happened with you and Kurt?”
Emma looks at him, surprised. “Sam,” she hisses, and he just shrugs in return.
Blaine closes his eyes at the mention of Kurt’s name, wincing and hanging his head. “Kurt hates me,” he says quietly. “I don’t - I don’t blame him. I hate me too.” And he puts his head back in his arms.
Emma feels her heart drop, and she looks over at Sam, seeing the understanding as well as the heartbreak. Swallowing nervously, she crouches down in front of Blaine, getting at eye-level.
“Blaine,” she says carefully. “Blaine, can you look at me?”
It takes him a minute, but reluctantly, he lifts his head, staring at Emma with the most broken expression she’s ever seen. “What?” he asks, voice a whisper, and the sadness is so heavy it makes Emma want to cry for him.
“Can you tell me what happened? Do you think you’re okay enough to explain to me what went on between you and Kurt just now?”
His expression doesn’t change, and Emma wonders if he even heard her. But then he straightens up, leaning back, and shaking his head at himself. He laughs, dry and humorless, and looks down at his desk, twisting his fingers together.
“We just talked,” he says with a small, awkward shrug. “I didn’t ask him to get back together or anything. I just told him that I was so, so sorry, and that hate myself so much for what I did. I told him that I haven’t been able to get over him and that I haven’t felt happy since I last saw him, and he just nodded, and - and then he asked me why - why I did it, and - “ He breaks off, heaving a deep, shuddering breath as the tears well up in his eyes. “I was honest. I told him that I was lonely and that I felt like with him gone, nothing mattered, and that E - Eli helped me feel like I mattered for just a moment, until I realized what I’d done, and then I just hated myself all over again.”
He hiccups, and reaches up to wipe away at his eyes.
“And Kurt just - he got angry again. And I tried to tell them that it wasn’t his fault, but he wouldn’t listen to me. He felt like I was putting the blame on him, and I - God, I told him that he could’ve tried a little harder, because the separation was killing me and he knows that he’s the only person I can talk to when I feel the way I did, and he just kept getting angrier and I kept backtracking and telling him how sorry I was for cheating but this wasn’t all my fault, and God, I’m so stupid. I’m so, so stupid. I should just die.”
He dissolves into tears, and gently, Emma reaches out and takes hold of his arms.
“Blaine,” she says softly. “Blaine? Blaine, listen to me.”
He looks up, trying desperately to calm himself.
“You should most definitely not die,” she starts, looking at him concernedly. “Understand? You’re a teenage boy, Blaine, and teenage boys make mistakes.”
“As - as many as I - hic - do?” he asks. “Because I - I - hic - I feel like I make a lot more than I should. Maybe I’m causing more trouble than - hic - I’m worth.”
“That’s impossible,” Emma replies, moving her hand over and taking his. “Because you’re worth a lot, Blaine. You’re worth so much, to so many people.”
“It doesn’t seem like it,” Blaine replies bitterly.
“You are,” Sam says, stepping in, and he crouches down beside Emma. “Dude, you’re like my best friend.”
“What about Finn?” Blaine asks, raising a lazy eyebrow.
“I went like four months without seeing him,” Sam says. “And in those four months I hung out with you. Come on, Blaine - we’re Cyclops and Wolverine, remember?”
“You can find another Cyclops,” Blaine mutters.
“Not one like you,” Sam says, and Emma notices the shakiness of his voice. “Blaine come on, stop talking like this. You’re worth something to me. You’re worth something to the entire glee club, to Finn, even to Kurt. Don’t let yourself think otherwise.”
Blaine doesn’t say anything. He just looks away from Sam and stares down at the surface of the desk. He’s silent for a long time as he tries to get his breathing back under control. Once the hiccups fade away, Emma dares to speak again.
“Blaine?”
“I’m sorry,” he says quickly. “I’m just - I’m not thinking straight.”
“It’s okay,” Emma says soothingly. “It’s okay for you to feel like this. It’s normal for us to feel bad when we go through breakups.”
“Is it?” Blaine asks quietly. “Is it really normal for me to feel like I - “
Emma’s heart starts racing, and she perks up slightly, listening intently. “What, Blaine? For you to feel like what?”
“Nothing,” Blaine says, shaking his head, and he pushes himself up, getting out of the desk.
Emma holds in a sigh. “Well, alright. I can’t make you talk, but if you ever need to, you know where my office is.”
“I’ll - I’ll keep that in mind,” Blaine says, but Emma knows he won’t. “Thanks for listening.”
“Of course,” Emma replies, and he walks from the room, leaving her and Sam behind.
Once the door closes and Blaine is well out earshot, Sam speaks up quietly. “He’s suicidal, isn’t he?”
“Yes,” Emma replies. “But I don’t think he understands that’s what he’s feeling quite yet.”
“But we don’t have much time before he realizes, do we?”
“If things keep going at this rate - no.”
.
.
After Christmas, Emma sees Blaine smile again in what feels like years - which she’s extremely thankful for, not only because that means he might be feeling better, but because she’s not exactly in a good mind space to try to help him right now. Will’s gone, and she’s struggling with trying to live on her own. Of course they talk every night, but she misses him. Still, it’s for the better, and she would’ve kicked herself had she left with him.
Word in the halls is that Blaine and Kurt are on good terms again. Not quite together, but not quite just friends. Some of the glee kids think they hooked up over Christmas break, but Blaine assures everyone that their time together was completely platonic. He smirks as he says so, and Emma feels her heart lift.
However, as the days pass, and Emma gets a closer look at him, his smile becomes strained, and his eyes are still dark. And her theory is only further cemented, because now the problems with Kurt are being fixed, and Blaine’s still not happy.
.
.
Emma supposes she should have seen this all coming when Principal Figgins announced they’d be having a Sadie Hawkins dance. But she’d been so wrapped up in her own worries and sadness revolving Will, she had forgotten one of the key things Finn told her about Blaine’s past.
As always, Glee club is asked to perform at the dance, and so there goes Blaine’s option of skipping out. Emma knows he felt obligated to go and perform with everyone else, no matter how anxious he was.
And this is where we are now, with Blaine standing mortified onstage as a group of drunken freshmen shout abuse at him. He’s frozen for about fifteen seconds before he drops the microphone and hurries offstage. A chorus of cheers erupts from the freshmen as Blaine hurries out of the gym.
Emma tries to work her way out of the crowd, but the sweaty teenagers on all sides make her nervous, and she has a tough time getting through them. Thankfully, she sees Sam running after Blaine, pushing open the gym doors and disappearing out into the hall.
When she makes it outside, neither Sam nor Blaine are in sight. The only people out in the hall are couples making out in different alcoves, and Emma gives a small shudder as she walks past them. She rounds a corner, and immediately, she hears voices coming from the boys’ bathroom. Hoping desperately that it’s Sam and Blaine, she makes her way inside, and is instantly welcomed to the sound of someone vomiting. She slaps a hand over her ears, waiting until she sees Blaine stand up.
He’s unsteady on his feet, an arm wrapped around his stomach as he leans helplessly against the side of the stall. He groans as he looks out at Sam and Emma, closing his eyes. They stand silently, watching him and waiting for him to do the talking. It takes him awhile, but after a minute or so, he stands up straight - and immediately collapses to the ground.
Both Sam and Emma rush forward, bombarding him with questions until he asks them as politely as he can to shut up, and they do, apologizing quickly and quietly. Instead, they help him over to the wall, where he sits with his head between his knees and evens out his breathing. Still, Sam and Emma wait, not daring to push him.
“I’m sorry,” is the first thing he says, and Emma shakes her head.
“Don’t be.”
“I just - when those kids were shouting at me, I - I couldn’t handle it. I’ve - I’ve never told anyone but Kurt, but at my old school - the one before Dalton, three kids beat me outside of a Sadie Hawkins dance. I went with the only other gay kid in school, and it really pissed them off. I was in a coma for three days, and the hospital for three weeks. Then I transferred.” He takes a shaky breath and leans back, closing his eyes.
“And when those kids were shouting, all I could think about where those three guys. It - it was like I could feel them beating me again. I - I tasted blood, and I froze up, and then I was just running. And I came in here and threw up.”
“That’s a trigger,” Emma says quietly. “Those freshmen boys triggered you, Blaine. That’s what happens when something reminds you of a past traumatic experience.”
“Is that supposed to happen a lot?” Blaine asks, and Emma’s stomach drops to the floor.
“Why? Is that happening to you a lot?”
“I - I don’t know,” Blaine sighs. “I’m not sure it’s a trigger, but I - I remember the way I felt after those kids beat me. When I transferred to Dalton and I was all alone. I felt so awful some days I didn’t even want to wake up. My parents reassured me that it was normal to feel that way after what those guys did to me, but it didn’t feel normal.”
“And you’ve been feeling that way again?” Emma asks, even though she and Sam and Finn have known the answer for awhile now.
“Yeah,” Blaine says quietly. Emma waits for him to speak again, but he doesn’t say anything, so carefully, she approaches him. She lowers herself down onto the disgusting tile floor and does her best to ignore the nerves crawling in her stomach.
“Blaine? What have you been feeling?”
He sighs again. “I - I don’t know. Just - I feel like I’m sad all the time. I feel like I don’t matter, like everyone else would be better off if I was dead.”
“So - worthless?” Emma asks. “Hopeless? Do you feel like you won’t ever feel happy again?”
“Yeah,” Blaine says, nodding, and tears are welling in his eyes. “I do. I feel like I’m just a waste. I - I feel like I can’t get anything right. I - I messed everything up with Kurt. I can’t please my dad because I can’t get into the college he wants me to. And God, I can’t even perform at a stupid Sadie Hawkins dance without working myself up and ruining everything.”
“Blaine,” Emma says, reaching out. “Blaine, stop. Listen to me - you need to talk to someone about all of this, okay? Not just me, because I know you won’t tell me everything. Is there anyone you feel okay talking to about this kind of thing?”
Blaine shrugs. “Kurt, I guess.”
Emma nods, and of course that’s his answer. She thinks hard, because that’s not going to work. Kurt’s in New York, and he can’t always be there when Blaine needs him to. Especially not now when she needs someone right away, someone willing to take Blaine home and help him transition into what she’s planning for him. Someone who will take responsibility over him and make sure he knows his self-worth. Someone who will make sure he comes to appointments and takes medication if eventually he needs it. And then it hits her - the words about Blaine’s father, and she knows who she needs to call.
“Blaine,” she says, standing up. “Hang in there, okay? I’m going to call someone here to take you home.”
Fifteen minutes later, Burt Hummel is walking into the bathroom, looking thoroughly concerned as he locks eyes with Blaine.
“Hey, kid,” he says. “Ms. Pillsbury tells me you’re a mess.”
Blaine looks over at Emma, wide-eyed. “What’s going on?” he asks, sitting up straight.
“Blaine,” she says gently, “I think I need to be honest with you. Finn, Sam, and I have been keeping an eye on you for awhile, and after tonight, I’m certain. Blaine, I think you’re suffering from depression. All the symptoms you just described to me - they all point to it, and I think it would be good if you started having appointments with me. After that, we can decide how we want to go about everything - if we need to get you a psychiatrist or anti-depressants or whatever you need. Mr. Hummel is here to make sure you keep your word and keep going through everything like you need to be. He’s going to be here to help with it all, okay?”
Blaine seems to deflate, and whether he’s relieved or frustrated, Emma can’t tell. Maybe a bit of both.
“Blaine,” Burt starts, kneeling down in front of him. “I never stopped caring about you, son. And I don’t think I ever will. And seeing you hurt, it hurts me. You’re as a good a son to me as Kurt or Finn is, and I don’t want to see you like this, okay? You gotta trust me - I’m going to help you, and you’ll get through this okay?”
Blaine nods, and he’s crying now. “Thank you, Burt.”
Burt nods in return and carefully, wraps his arms around Blaine. And standing there, watching Blaine dissolve and agree to get the help he needs, Emma knows that this is only the beginning, but by the end of the school year, she’ sure Blaine will be himself again. He’ll have gotten the help he needs and he’ll be happy and off to begin the rest of his life.
And that, that is the sweetest reward.