fic: the closest to heaven (7/12)
Title: The Closest to Heaven
Pairing: Kurt/Blaine
Rating: R (see warnings, also - sexual situations in later chapters)
Word Count: 4,281 for this part; 23,018 overall
Warnings: character death, depression, self-harm, suicide attempts, psychiatric hospitalization, hospitalization for heart issues, bullying, gay-bashing, homophobia, talk of drug and alcohol abuse, talk of involvement with gangs, talk of ocd
Summary: Confined to the walls of the UC Neuroscience Institute, Blaine Anderson has completely given up on life. But when he meets Kurt Hummel - a boy who’s remaining strong even though his own life is falling apart, Blaine begins to realize that maybe he doesn’t have to give up just yet. Maybe he’s strong enough to keep fighting.
A/N: Thank you to Lyssa for beta-ing!
Blaine pushes open the door to Marianne’s office carefully. As he steps inside, she looks up from her computer, glasses perched on the tip of her nose. She smiles, scooting around her desk.
“How are you today, Blaine?” she asks.
Blaine shrugs, lowering himself to his usual spot on the couch.
“Something’s bothering you,” Marianne says, immediately sensing it, and Blaine knows there’s no way he can lie to her.
“Yeah,” he affirms, rubbing the back of his neck.
“Are you comfortable telling me what it is?” she asks.
Blaine nods. “My brother came to visit me yesterday,” he sighs.
“You’ve told me about your brother, but I feel there’s more I should know,” Marianne replies. “Would you care to tell me?”
Blaine hesitates, scrunching up his face a little. “I love him,” he says. “I really do, but he - he, uh - he gets easily distracted from our relationship.”
“What do you mean?”
“Cooper’s a really ambitious person,” Blaine says, “and when he gets involved in something, he gives it his all. He works hard. But at the same time, whatever that is, it consumes him. When he was thirteen, he was the star of the soccer team, and he constantly blew off babysitting me to practice. He would lock me inside and then go out in the backyard. When he was sixteen, it was girls. He missed out on hanging out with me to take them out and then go home with them. Sometimes, he would take them back to our house, and that never ended well for me. Now? Now, Cooper’s set on becoming the next Hollywood heartthrob.” Blaine lets out a heavy sigh, running a hand through his hair.
“You don’t seem happy about that,” Marianne comments.
“Well, I mean - no, not the abandoning me part,” Blaine says, irritated. He lowers his voice as he continues, “Yesterday, Cooper told me that he landed a big part in a movie, but shooting starts next week. Yesterday was the last day I’ll see him for nearly two months, and I’m just - I’m angry and I’m upset that he left me in the state that I’m in. I just tried to commit suicide for the second time, and he’s been the only constant support system I’ve had - and a shitty one at that, but God knows I’ll take whatever I can get. I just - I’m sick of always coming in second to the newest excitement in Cooper’s life, and I’m upset that it’s happening especially now.”
There’s a long moment of silence after Blaine finishes. He hangs his head and reaches his hand up, fisting his hair.
“Blaine, I’m sorry you feel this way,” Marianne starts cautiously. “But I want you to know that I doubt there’s anything personal in the way your brother behaves. From the other times you’ve talked about him, he seems like he sincerely cares about you. Would you agree with that?”
Blaine lifts his head, nodding slowly.
“Sometimes, Blaine, people can lose sight of what’s important. People can be flaky and irresponsible. They can forget what really matters. Now, I know you’re in a very vulnerable place right now. I know you’re hurting and you need support, but your brother isn’t leaving because he doesn’t care. In fact, he probably thinks you can handle this separation just fine.”
Blaine muses over that for second, thinking about how Marianne is absolutely right. Cooper just doesn’t know enough, doesn’t realize how hard things are for Blaine. Cooper doesn’t realize the importance of his presence, how Blaine’s been relying on his support along with Kurt’s to get himself along. And in all honesty, Blaine can’t blame Cooper. This movie is a huge opportunity, and if it wasn’t for his present situation, there would be nothing holding Blaine back from telling Cooper to go for it.
“Blaine?” Marianne asks gently. “What are you thinking?”
Blaine heaves a sigh. “I think you’re right, but still . . . it doesn’t stop the disappointment. I’ve come second to every other thing in Cooper’s life for years, and even though I get it now, it still kind of hurts.”
Marianne nods. “And that’s only normal, Blaine. It’s hard to never have that first position, especially when it’s someone you care about. I think that happens to a lot of us - you depend on someone a lot more than they depend on you, and really there’s nothing you can do to change it. It sucks, but we’ll take what we can get. We’ll take that weakened love, because even though it’s not exactly what we want, we’ll do anything to satisfy that desire. You’ll come first to someone someday, Blaine. Whether it’s your brother, a friend, a significant other - you will.”
Blaine manages a small smile as he stares down at his shoes. He knows who he’d like to come first to, but that’s never going to happen, and, just as Marianne pointed out, he’ll accept that. He’ll accept the flimsy friendship because that’s all he’s going to get.
“Do you really think that’s possible?” he asks, suddenly.
“What?” Marianne asks.
“That I’ll come first to someone,” Blaine says. “What if I’m just second or third or fifty-seventh to everyone for the rest of my life? What if I’m never that important to anyone?”
Marianne shakes her head, a grin on her lips. “You think that now. A lot of people do, Blaine. You think that it’s impossible for anyone to care that much. That it’s impossible for anyone to have their world revolve around you, but it’s not. You’ll find someone, Blaine. Don’t worry.”
Blaine swallows, wishing he could know how. How does she know that? How is it even possible? How long will he have to wait? He bites his lip, swallowing back his questions. He can’t know for sure. He’ll have to wait until it happens - if it happens.
“Blaine?”
“I’m fine,” he says quickly. “I feel a lot better now, I’m just - I’m thinking.”
“About?”
“Everything you’ve said. I think I might be thinking too hard.” He lets out an awkward laugh as he stands up. “Thank you again, Marianne.”
She smiles. “Anytime, Blaine. That’s what I’m here for.”
He leaves the room, heart feeling heavy. He’d like to believe Marianne’s right - that somewhere out there, there’s someone who’s just waiting to meet Blaine, waiting to make him the most important thing in their life, but he just can’t see it.
.
.
Group is difficult today. Blaine can’t focus; his mind is preoccupied by other things - by Cooper’s absence, but mostly by the thought of Kurt and the dangerous feelings Blaine has surrounding him. Blaine’s starting to accept what’s happened with Cooper, but after talking with Marianne, Kurt’s a whole different story.
Three years ago, Blaine promised himself he would never fall in love - not after Jason. He wasn’t going to let himself get hurt like that again. But there’s just something about Kurt that’s completely breaking all of Blaine’s rules. Blaine shuts himself off from the rest of the world, and Kurt works his way right in. Blaine convinces himself he’ll never be happy, Kurt makes him feel better than he has in a long time. Blaine promises himself he won’t ever fall in love, and what happens? He falls in love with Kurt.
Well, to be fairly honest, Blaine isn’t sure he’s in love with Kurt. He just knows that he cares about Kurt a lot and that he’d really like to see him after he gets out of the hospital. He’d like to sing more duets and go on dates and maybe kiss if Blaine ever worked up the courage. After that, Blaine’ll see about in love. (Though he knows with what he feels now, it’s probably impossible for him not to fall in love with Kurt).
And it’s these thoughts, these hopes that are extremely dangerous for Blaine. There are so many things that could go wrong if Blaine were to get involved in a romantic relationship besides homophobes beating the shit out of them. Blaine can see himself getting too clingy; he can see himself getting paranoid; he can see himself getting moody. He doubts his fragile ego could handle a breakup, but that’s almost inevitable with Blaine’s condition. Most people have difficulty associating themselves with people who have mental illnesses, and, though Kurt’s been supportive so far, he’s only seen Blaine at his best. There’s no guarantee he’ll stick around after he sees Blaine at his worst. Right now, Blaine’s almost wishing he still had his cover, that he hadn’t told Kurt the truth. Then maybe there’d be a fraction of a chance.
But then Blaine lifts his head, looking around the room at the array of people - drug addiction depression, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, PTSD - and he quickly realizes that even if Kurt didn’t know, there’s no way out of it in the future. Even if Blaine makes it out of here with working anti-depressants and gets back on track, there’s no hiding his past, present, and future. Depression is a part of him now, and Kurt would have to find out at some point.
Blaine takes a deep breath, forcing all thoughts of Kurt from his mind. He’s supposed to be focusing on the task Dr. Lancaster has given them; he doesn’t need another scolding today. He’ll have plenty of time to break his own heart later.
.
.
As soon as Blaine is let out of group for lunch, he heads back to his room to check his phone. He’s hoping for a text of encouragement from Cooper. (He’d received one yesterday about a half hour after Cooper left the hospital, but he was so distraught at the time it didn’t really sink in).
There’s nothing from Cooper. However there is a text from Kurt, received fifteen minutes ago.
Kurt (11:53)
Meet me in the usual spot ASAP.
Blaine hurries to reply, adrenaline humming in his veins.
Blaine (12:09)
I’m going down there right now.
Kurt (12:09)
okay
Blaine picks up speed, nerves heightening as he looks at Kurt’s reply. His throat tightens a little, and he swallows hard.
Down in the cafeteria, Kurt sits hunched over at one of the tables closest to the door. His head is buried in his arms, which are resting on the table. As soon as Blaine walks in, he lifts his head up, revealing hair that’s sticking up in every direction, bloodshot and puffy eyes, and a pale, strained face.
Blaine sits down across from him quickly, asking, “What’s wrong, Kurt?”
Kurt sniffles before replying quietly, “My dad went into cardiac arrest this morning.”
Blaine feels the blood drain his face. “Oh my god, Kurt, is he - “
“He’s resting now,” Kurt says, wiping at his eyes. “I’ve been sitting down here for about an hour, trying to calm myself. Finn lost his mind and Carole had to take him home. It was only once I’d stopped crying hard enough that I thought to text you.”
“Oh, Kurt, I’m so sorry,” Blaine says. “I - I was in group. I didn’t have my phone with me because we’re not allowed to have one, and I only just got to it. Kurt, I - “
Kurt shakes his head. “It’s fine, Blaine. Honestly. I understand.”
Blaine bites his lip. “You’ve been down here alone. Why - why didn’t you go with you brother and Carole?”
Kurt sighs. “I didn’t want to leave my dad. But then he fell asleep, and the nurses wanted me out of the room while they did some things. I came here and just sort of lost it.”
“I’m so sorry,” Blaine says again. “God, I wish I wasn’t stuck in so many different boundaries.”
“Like I said - it’s fine, Blaine. I know you’ve got problems of your own. I don’t blame you.” Kurt sniffles again, reaching up and wiping his nose on his sleeve.
“It’s not even that,” Blaine says. “Kurt, I couldn’t care less. You’re hurting, and I want to help you. It’s just - I’ve got this schedule and a curfew and places I can and can’t go. I just - I want to be with you when you need me.” He heaves a sigh, reaching out and grabbing Kurt’s hand tentatively.
Kurt holds on tightly. He offers a sad smile, saying nothing.
Blaine thinks for a moment, calculating through his schedule, working out how early he’ll have to get up in order to sneak into breakfast on time.
“You know what,” he says. “I have an hour of free time after lunch, so that leaves us with an hour and a half right now. After that I have group, and then dinner. After dinner, I have another hour of free time, and then a lecture. While I’m at group, you can go check on your dad. After dinner, I’m going to see if my nurse will let me skip out on a lecture and spend the night with you.”
Kurt looks up, eyes widening in surprise. “Blaine, are you sure?”
Blaine nods, grinning. “I’m sure my nurse will let me. I have her wrapped around my finger. Plus, she kind of knows how good you are for me,” he adds shyly, and, if he’s not just imagining things, he’s pretty sure a small blush rises in Kurt’s cheeks.
“Thank you, Blaine,” Kurt says softly. “It really means a lot that you’re willing to do this, especially given your circumstances.”
Blaine scoffs. “My circumstances? Please, Kurt.”
“Well, I just mean - you’re not exactly free from struggle, are you, Blaine?” Kurt says, running his thumb over Blaine’s knuckles.
Blaine feels electricity shoot up his arm, and he knows he’s the one blushing this time. “No, but I mean - I am in control of my improvement. I don’t really think it’s the same thing for you and your dad.”
Kurt nods, pressing his lips together. “Still, I think it’s really great for you to sacrifice, at the very least, your time to help me.”
“Ah, it’s not a problem,” Blaine assures. “Not if I get you to smile out of it.”
Kurt grins then, laughing slightly. There’s a tug in Blaine’s gut, and his own smile falters. He’s really not doing anything to stop these feelings, and, while it makes him nervous, there’s also a bit of a thrill that comes with them.
Maybe he can forget about the promise he made to himself.
Maybe.
.
.
Emma’s chatting with one of her other patients when Blaine arrives back in the Mood Disorders Center - a war veteran with PTSD. She finishes whatever she was saying, and the guy smiles. Emma claps her hand on the table, and then stands up, wishing him goodbye. Blaine rushes after her, reaching out and catching her by the elbow.
“Blaine - ! Hi, what’s going on?” she asks, turning around to face him.
“I - I need you to do me a favor,” Blaine says carefully.
Emma narrows her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest. “It depends. What exactly do you need me to do?”
“I need you to cover for me,” Blaine says. “I need you to get me out of lecture and let me spend the night with Kurt.”
Emma purses her lips. “Why?”
Blaine lets out a semi-irritated huff. “His dad went into cardiac arrest this morning, and it’s not looking good for him. I don’t - I don’t know if he’s on his deathbed or what, but Kurt’s really distraught, and since his brother had a panic attack and his mom had to take him home, Kurt’s been left alone all day, and he will be tonight - unless I’m with him.”
Emma deflates, understanding dawning her face. She chews on her lip. “I think . . . if I have a word with Marianne, and maybe Doctor Lancaster, I could rally up enough support for you to get away with that.”
Blaine perks up, eyes widening. “You’re serious?”
Emma nods, smiling slightly. “All three of us know how important this bond is for you. Look at how you just grinned when I said you could go. You’ve improved so much because of Kurt, I think we can let you off the hook for one night.”
Blaine doesn’t think; it doesn’t even register in his mind, but, suddenly, his arms are around Emma and he’s hugging her tight. “Thanks, Emma.”
She stiffens, looking down at him curiously as he pulls away.
“What?” Blaine asks self-consciously.
“You called me Emma,” she replies.
“I - I’m on a first-name basis with Marianne,” Blaine says defensively. “Is that - do you not want - ?”
“No, no - it’s fine,” Emma assures. “I call you Blaine. You can go ahead and call me Emma.” She reaches out, pulling Blaine back into a hug. “You have fun tonight, Blaine.”
“Well, I don’t know fun is the right word,” Blaine says. “I mean, Kurt’s in a pretty serious position right now.”
Emma rolls her eyes, letting him go. “You know what I mean, Blaine. Help Kurt cheer up, grow closer to him, strengthen your friendship.”
Blaine smiles, nodding. “I will, Emma.”
.
.
Kurt’s pacing outside of the cafeteria when Blaine reaches him, anxiety practically radiating from him. He jumps a little when he sees Blaine, and almost involuntarily, Blaine reaches out, patting him on the shoulder.
“Calm down. I’m here to help you relax.”
“They actually let you go?” Kurt asks, sounding a little surprised.
“I told you,” Blaine says. “My nurse is a pushover.”
“Well,” Kurt sighs, heaving a deep breath. “The waiting room is this way.”
He leads Blaine down to the end of the hallway and around the corner. They pass through a main lobby and head for the wing labeled “Cardiovascular Institute.” They head through a web of halls, which Blaine finds semi-familiar. The last time he walked along this path, he was too distraught to pay attention. Finally, they reach a smaller lobby, just before a hallway labeled “Recovery Center.” Kurt leads Blaine over to a row of chairs, collapsing into one. Blaine sits beside him, looking around.
There are other families sitting around, looking just as worried as Kurt. A woman looks up from across the room, and meeting Blaine’s gaze, offers a sad smile. Blaine returns it, feeling the slightest bit startled. So far, she’s the only person that’s paid attention to him.
It feels weird now, not having the nurse’s eyes on him. It feels weird not to be the patient, not be the one worried about, but rather, being the one doing the worrying. However, not necessarily in a bad way. Sure, Blaine wishes circumstances were different, but still it’s nice not to be under constant surveillance.
Blaine looks over at Kurt. “So, how are you holding up?”
Kurt shrugs. “Like you would imagine, I suppose.”
Blaine frowns. “I’m sorry, Kurt.”
Kurt shakes his head, pressing his lips together. “I’ve dealt with this before, you know. When my mom had cancer, and it’s - it’s not like I haven’t expected the worst.”
Blaine’s silent for a moment, looking down at his lap. He’s never understood how Kurt handles everything so well, and he still doesn’t. He thinks he might in the future, but right now he’s still amazed at how strong Kurt is, how he still manages to pull himself through it all. Blaine knows he couldn’t do that if he was in Kurt’s position.
“I miss her,” Kurt says suddenly, and Blaine looks over at him. “Usually, I’m fine. I can think about her without feeling that pang. I mean - I’ve got Carole, I’ve got my dad, but now - I just - I miss her.” He heaves a deep breath. “You know, she was always the strong one. I guess that’s where I get it from. My dad used to beat himself up over the way he handled her death - how withdrawn and secluded he became, but I was the same way. We were alone together, if that makes any sense.”
Blaine nods slowly; he can understand. It’s like him and Kurt right now, actually.
“I know I have Carole and Finn helping me through this,” Kurt continues, “but losing my dad, I - I just wish it was my own mom I had, and Blaine, I don’t even know. I’m a mess - I miss my mom and I already miss my dad and I’m terrified, and I just - I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do.” Tears are slipping through, falling down his cheeks, and - it’s almost an involuntary reflex now - Blaine reaches for Kurt’s hand.
“Hey - shh,” Blaine says, giving Kurt’s fingers a small squeeze. “I’m going to tell you what you’re not going to do, okay? You’re not going to assume the worst just yet. You’re going to hold on for your dad, and have faith that he’ll pull through this. You’re not going to withdraw yourself again. You’re going to depend on Carole and Finn. And you’ll get through it, Kurt - you will.”
Blaine doesn’t know where this is all coming from, doesn’t know how he’s able to give this advice and not even be able to follow it himself. He’s the exact opposite - it’s his signature thing to bottle up all his shit and never talk to anyone, never depend on anyone else, and maybe that’s just it. Maybe it’s just because Kurt is so different, and Blaine can and does depend on him. Maybe he’s spitting out this advice because Kurt is where he learned it first.
Kurt takes a deep breath, using his free hand to wipe away the tears on his face. He keeps his other hand wrapped tight around Blaine’s. His breath is shaky as he tries to even it out, hiccupping here and there.
“Thank you, Blaine,” he says, before letting out a sigh and letting his head fall back. “God, I’m tired.”
“Then why don’t we sleep,” Blaine suggests. “You can use me as a pillow if you want.”
Kurt smiles, resting his head on Blaine’s shoulders. He pulls his legs up, and Blaine does the same. They manage to keep their fingers entwined as they get comfortable, and for a second, both of them revel in the feeling of being so close. They both close their eyes, and not thirty seconds after they do so does someone interrupt them.
“Uh - hello?”
They both open their eyes.
“Oh, good.”
It’s a nurse - young, probably one of the university students, and one that Kurt obviously recognizes because he smiles and straightens up. “Hi, Joanie,” he says. “Um - is my dad - ?”
“Still asleep,” she replies, “and, actually, I just came over to ask if you wanted to join him. I can’t imagine those chairs are very comfortable, and, well, your dad has that extra bed in his room that’s not going to be occupied any time soon.”
“Could we sleep in there?” Kurt asks, and Joanie laughs.
“Yes, that’s what I’m trying to say - go right ahead.”
Kurt stands up, pulling Blaine with him. “Oh, thank you so much, Joanie.”
“It’s not a problem,” she replies. “I know you need your rest. And it’s not really easy to get in this waiting room.”
Kurt opens his mouth to speak, but instead, ends up yawning.
Joanie laughs again. “Go get some sleep, Kurt.”
Kurt nods, smiling, and turns away, but Joanie catches him quickly.
“Oh - and,” she leans towards him, lowering her voice, “you two are very cute together.”
Kurt blushes, looking down at his and Blaine’s hands, and he immediately lets go. “Oh, we’re not - “
Joanie rolls her eyes. “Whatever you say, Kurt. Just go to bed.”
Kurt mumbles something before turning away again. Blaine brings up the hand previously holding Kurt’s and rubs the back of his neck, following after. Once they reach Burt’s room, they tiptoe quietly inside, glancing over at him every few seconds as they make their way to the bed. Kurt climbs in first, getting situated while also leaving room for Blaine. He motions for Blaine to join him, and he does, sliding along the firm mattress. Kurt pulls up the flimsy sheets, turning on his side. Blaine shimmies up next to him.
“Man, this is much more comfortable than the beds we have,” he whispers. “Wow. I see which patients they favor.”
Kurt laughs quietly.
“I’m not kidding. They’re like freaking cots, and my legs hang off the edge. Kurt, I am short.”
Kurt looks back at him, squinting his eyes. “You’re not that short.”
“Short enough that a bed should be able to fit me,” Blaine grumbles.
Kurt laughs again, tucking his head back against the pillows. “Go to sleep, Blaine,” he sighs.
“In this comfy bed? Don’t mind if I do.”
Blaine closes his eyes, and he’s suddenly aware of Kurt so close to him. He’s aware of how their legs are touching, how his fingertips are grazing Kurt’s back, how he can almost feel Kurt breathing. Blaine watches the rise and fall of his shoulders as he breathes. His eyes trace over his Kurt’s neck, his hair, and then back down his body again. As he drifts off, all the stress just melts away, and Blaine suddenly realizes he’s seeing Kurt at his most vulnerable. It’s just another punch in the gut, really, because Blaine’s feelings are only strengthened.
Blaine heaves a sigh. The comment the nurse made is still playing over and over in his head, and he can still see the way Kurt blushed, feel the way Kurt quickly let go in embarrassment - the good kind of embarrassment. Blaine closes his eyes as a smile taunts his lips, and as he too falls asleep, he revels in his feelings instead of pushing them back.
.
chapter 8a
Pairing: Kurt/Blaine
Rating: R (see warnings, also - sexual situations in later chapters)
Word Count: 4,281 for this part; 23,018 overall
Warnings: character death, depression, self-harm, suicide attempts, psychiatric hospitalization, hospitalization for heart issues, bullying, gay-bashing, homophobia, talk of drug and alcohol abuse, talk of involvement with gangs, talk of ocd
Summary: Confined to the walls of the UC Neuroscience Institute, Blaine Anderson has completely given up on life. But when he meets Kurt Hummel - a boy who’s remaining strong even though his own life is falling apart, Blaine begins to realize that maybe he doesn’t have to give up just yet. Maybe he’s strong enough to keep fighting.
A/N: Thank you to Lyssa for beta-ing!
Blaine pushes open the door to Marianne’s office carefully. As he steps inside, she looks up from her computer, glasses perched on the tip of her nose. She smiles, scooting around her desk.
“How are you today, Blaine?” she asks.
Blaine shrugs, lowering himself to his usual spot on the couch.
“Something’s bothering you,” Marianne says, immediately sensing it, and Blaine knows there’s no way he can lie to her.
“Yeah,” he affirms, rubbing the back of his neck.
“Are you comfortable telling me what it is?” she asks.
Blaine nods. “My brother came to visit me yesterday,” he sighs.
“You’ve told me about your brother, but I feel there’s more I should know,” Marianne replies. “Would you care to tell me?”
Blaine hesitates, scrunching up his face a little. “I love him,” he says. “I really do, but he - he, uh - he gets easily distracted from our relationship.”
“What do you mean?”
“Cooper’s a really ambitious person,” Blaine says, “and when he gets involved in something, he gives it his all. He works hard. But at the same time, whatever that is, it consumes him. When he was thirteen, he was the star of the soccer team, and he constantly blew off babysitting me to practice. He would lock me inside and then go out in the backyard. When he was sixteen, it was girls. He missed out on hanging out with me to take them out and then go home with them. Sometimes, he would take them back to our house, and that never ended well for me. Now? Now, Cooper’s set on becoming the next Hollywood heartthrob.” Blaine lets out a heavy sigh, running a hand through his hair.
“You don’t seem happy about that,” Marianne comments.
“Well, I mean - no, not the abandoning me part,” Blaine says, irritated. He lowers his voice as he continues, “Yesterday, Cooper told me that he landed a big part in a movie, but shooting starts next week. Yesterday was the last day I’ll see him for nearly two months, and I’m just - I’m angry and I’m upset that he left me in the state that I’m in. I just tried to commit suicide for the second time, and he’s been the only constant support system I’ve had - and a shitty one at that, but God knows I’ll take whatever I can get. I just - I’m sick of always coming in second to the newest excitement in Cooper’s life, and I’m upset that it’s happening especially now.”
There’s a long moment of silence after Blaine finishes. He hangs his head and reaches his hand up, fisting his hair.
“Blaine, I’m sorry you feel this way,” Marianne starts cautiously. “But I want you to know that I doubt there’s anything personal in the way your brother behaves. From the other times you’ve talked about him, he seems like he sincerely cares about you. Would you agree with that?”
Blaine lifts his head, nodding slowly.
“Sometimes, Blaine, people can lose sight of what’s important. People can be flaky and irresponsible. They can forget what really matters. Now, I know you’re in a very vulnerable place right now. I know you’re hurting and you need support, but your brother isn’t leaving because he doesn’t care. In fact, he probably thinks you can handle this separation just fine.”
Blaine muses over that for second, thinking about how Marianne is absolutely right. Cooper just doesn’t know enough, doesn’t realize how hard things are for Blaine. Cooper doesn’t realize the importance of his presence, how Blaine’s been relying on his support along with Kurt’s to get himself along. And in all honesty, Blaine can’t blame Cooper. This movie is a huge opportunity, and if it wasn’t for his present situation, there would be nothing holding Blaine back from telling Cooper to go for it.
“Blaine?” Marianne asks gently. “What are you thinking?”
Blaine heaves a sigh. “I think you’re right, but still . . . it doesn’t stop the disappointment. I’ve come second to every other thing in Cooper’s life for years, and even though I get it now, it still kind of hurts.”
Marianne nods. “And that’s only normal, Blaine. It’s hard to never have that first position, especially when it’s someone you care about. I think that happens to a lot of us - you depend on someone a lot more than they depend on you, and really there’s nothing you can do to change it. It sucks, but we’ll take what we can get. We’ll take that weakened love, because even though it’s not exactly what we want, we’ll do anything to satisfy that desire. You’ll come first to someone someday, Blaine. Whether it’s your brother, a friend, a significant other - you will.”
Blaine manages a small smile as he stares down at his shoes. He knows who he’d like to come first to, but that’s never going to happen, and, just as Marianne pointed out, he’ll accept that. He’ll accept the flimsy friendship because that’s all he’s going to get.
“Do you really think that’s possible?” he asks, suddenly.
“What?” Marianne asks.
“That I’ll come first to someone,” Blaine says. “What if I’m just second or third or fifty-seventh to everyone for the rest of my life? What if I’m never that important to anyone?”
Marianne shakes her head, a grin on her lips. “You think that now. A lot of people do, Blaine. You think that it’s impossible for anyone to care that much. That it’s impossible for anyone to have their world revolve around you, but it’s not. You’ll find someone, Blaine. Don’t worry.”
Blaine swallows, wishing he could know how. How does she know that? How is it even possible? How long will he have to wait? He bites his lip, swallowing back his questions. He can’t know for sure. He’ll have to wait until it happens - if it happens.
“Blaine?”
“I’m fine,” he says quickly. “I feel a lot better now, I’m just - I’m thinking.”
“About?”
“Everything you’ve said. I think I might be thinking too hard.” He lets out an awkward laugh as he stands up. “Thank you again, Marianne.”
She smiles. “Anytime, Blaine. That’s what I’m here for.”
He leaves the room, heart feeling heavy. He’d like to believe Marianne’s right - that somewhere out there, there’s someone who’s just waiting to meet Blaine, waiting to make him the most important thing in their life, but he just can’t see it.
.
.
Group is difficult today. Blaine can’t focus; his mind is preoccupied by other things - by Cooper’s absence, but mostly by the thought of Kurt and the dangerous feelings Blaine has surrounding him. Blaine’s starting to accept what’s happened with Cooper, but after talking with Marianne, Kurt’s a whole different story.
Three years ago, Blaine promised himself he would never fall in love - not after Jason. He wasn’t going to let himself get hurt like that again. But there’s just something about Kurt that’s completely breaking all of Blaine’s rules. Blaine shuts himself off from the rest of the world, and Kurt works his way right in. Blaine convinces himself he’ll never be happy, Kurt makes him feel better than he has in a long time. Blaine promises himself he won’t ever fall in love, and what happens? He falls in love with Kurt.
Well, to be fairly honest, Blaine isn’t sure he’s in love with Kurt. He just knows that he cares about Kurt a lot and that he’d really like to see him after he gets out of the hospital. He’d like to sing more duets and go on dates and maybe kiss if Blaine ever worked up the courage. After that, Blaine’ll see about in love. (Though he knows with what he feels now, it’s probably impossible for him not to fall in love with Kurt).
And it’s these thoughts, these hopes that are extremely dangerous for Blaine. There are so many things that could go wrong if Blaine were to get involved in a romantic relationship besides homophobes beating the shit out of them. Blaine can see himself getting too clingy; he can see himself getting paranoid; he can see himself getting moody. He doubts his fragile ego could handle a breakup, but that’s almost inevitable with Blaine’s condition. Most people have difficulty associating themselves with people who have mental illnesses, and, though Kurt’s been supportive so far, he’s only seen Blaine at his best. There’s no guarantee he’ll stick around after he sees Blaine at his worst. Right now, Blaine’s almost wishing he still had his cover, that he hadn’t told Kurt the truth. Then maybe there’d be a fraction of a chance.
But then Blaine lifts his head, looking around the room at the array of people - drug addiction depression, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, PTSD - and he quickly realizes that even if Kurt didn’t know, there’s no way out of it in the future. Even if Blaine makes it out of here with working anti-depressants and gets back on track, there’s no hiding his past, present, and future. Depression is a part of him now, and Kurt would have to find out at some point.
Blaine takes a deep breath, forcing all thoughts of Kurt from his mind. He’s supposed to be focusing on the task Dr. Lancaster has given them; he doesn’t need another scolding today. He’ll have plenty of time to break his own heart later.
.
.
As soon as Blaine is let out of group for lunch, he heads back to his room to check his phone. He’s hoping for a text of encouragement from Cooper. (He’d received one yesterday about a half hour after Cooper left the hospital, but he was so distraught at the time it didn’t really sink in).
There’s nothing from Cooper. However there is a text from Kurt, received fifteen minutes ago.
Kurt (11:53)
Meet me in the usual spot ASAP.
Blaine hurries to reply, adrenaline humming in his veins.
Blaine (12:09)
I’m going down there right now.
Kurt (12:09)
okay
Blaine picks up speed, nerves heightening as he looks at Kurt’s reply. His throat tightens a little, and he swallows hard.
Down in the cafeteria, Kurt sits hunched over at one of the tables closest to the door. His head is buried in his arms, which are resting on the table. As soon as Blaine walks in, he lifts his head up, revealing hair that’s sticking up in every direction, bloodshot and puffy eyes, and a pale, strained face.
Blaine sits down across from him quickly, asking, “What’s wrong, Kurt?”
Kurt sniffles before replying quietly, “My dad went into cardiac arrest this morning.”
Blaine feels the blood drain his face. “Oh my god, Kurt, is he - “
“He’s resting now,” Kurt says, wiping at his eyes. “I’ve been sitting down here for about an hour, trying to calm myself. Finn lost his mind and Carole had to take him home. It was only once I’d stopped crying hard enough that I thought to text you.”
“Oh, Kurt, I’m so sorry,” Blaine says. “I - I was in group. I didn’t have my phone with me because we’re not allowed to have one, and I only just got to it. Kurt, I - “
Kurt shakes his head. “It’s fine, Blaine. Honestly. I understand.”
Blaine bites his lip. “You’ve been down here alone. Why - why didn’t you go with you brother and Carole?”
Kurt sighs. “I didn’t want to leave my dad. But then he fell asleep, and the nurses wanted me out of the room while they did some things. I came here and just sort of lost it.”
“I’m so sorry,” Blaine says again. “God, I wish I wasn’t stuck in so many different boundaries.”
“Like I said - it’s fine, Blaine. I know you’ve got problems of your own. I don’t blame you.” Kurt sniffles again, reaching up and wiping his nose on his sleeve.
“It’s not even that,” Blaine says. “Kurt, I couldn’t care less. You’re hurting, and I want to help you. It’s just - I’ve got this schedule and a curfew and places I can and can’t go. I just - I want to be with you when you need me.” He heaves a sigh, reaching out and grabbing Kurt’s hand tentatively.
Kurt holds on tightly. He offers a sad smile, saying nothing.
Blaine thinks for a moment, calculating through his schedule, working out how early he’ll have to get up in order to sneak into breakfast on time.
“You know what,” he says. “I have an hour of free time after lunch, so that leaves us with an hour and a half right now. After that I have group, and then dinner. After dinner, I have another hour of free time, and then a lecture. While I’m at group, you can go check on your dad. After dinner, I’m going to see if my nurse will let me skip out on a lecture and spend the night with you.”
Kurt looks up, eyes widening in surprise. “Blaine, are you sure?”
Blaine nods, grinning. “I’m sure my nurse will let me. I have her wrapped around my finger. Plus, she kind of knows how good you are for me,” he adds shyly, and, if he’s not just imagining things, he’s pretty sure a small blush rises in Kurt’s cheeks.
“Thank you, Blaine,” Kurt says softly. “It really means a lot that you’re willing to do this, especially given your circumstances.”
Blaine scoffs. “My circumstances? Please, Kurt.”
“Well, I just mean - you’re not exactly free from struggle, are you, Blaine?” Kurt says, running his thumb over Blaine’s knuckles.
Blaine feels electricity shoot up his arm, and he knows he’s the one blushing this time. “No, but I mean - I am in control of my improvement. I don’t really think it’s the same thing for you and your dad.”
Kurt nods, pressing his lips together. “Still, I think it’s really great for you to sacrifice, at the very least, your time to help me.”
“Ah, it’s not a problem,” Blaine assures. “Not if I get you to smile out of it.”
Kurt grins then, laughing slightly. There’s a tug in Blaine’s gut, and his own smile falters. He’s really not doing anything to stop these feelings, and, while it makes him nervous, there’s also a bit of a thrill that comes with them.
Maybe he can forget about the promise he made to himself.
Maybe.
.
.
Emma’s chatting with one of her other patients when Blaine arrives back in the Mood Disorders Center - a war veteran with PTSD. She finishes whatever she was saying, and the guy smiles. Emma claps her hand on the table, and then stands up, wishing him goodbye. Blaine rushes after her, reaching out and catching her by the elbow.
“Blaine - ! Hi, what’s going on?” she asks, turning around to face him.
“I - I need you to do me a favor,” Blaine says carefully.
Emma narrows her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest. “It depends. What exactly do you need me to do?”
“I need you to cover for me,” Blaine says. “I need you to get me out of lecture and let me spend the night with Kurt.”
Emma purses her lips. “Why?”
Blaine lets out a semi-irritated huff. “His dad went into cardiac arrest this morning, and it’s not looking good for him. I don’t - I don’t know if he’s on his deathbed or what, but Kurt’s really distraught, and since his brother had a panic attack and his mom had to take him home, Kurt’s been left alone all day, and he will be tonight - unless I’m with him.”
Emma deflates, understanding dawning her face. She chews on her lip. “I think . . . if I have a word with Marianne, and maybe Doctor Lancaster, I could rally up enough support for you to get away with that.”
Blaine perks up, eyes widening. “You’re serious?”
Emma nods, smiling slightly. “All three of us know how important this bond is for you. Look at how you just grinned when I said you could go. You’ve improved so much because of Kurt, I think we can let you off the hook for one night.”
Blaine doesn’t think; it doesn’t even register in his mind, but, suddenly, his arms are around Emma and he’s hugging her tight. “Thanks, Emma.”
She stiffens, looking down at him curiously as he pulls away.
“What?” Blaine asks self-consciously.
“You called me Emma,” she replies.
“I - I’m on a first-name basis with Marianne,” Blaine says defensively. “Is that - do you not want - ?”
“No, no - it’s fine,” Emma assures. “I call you Blaine. You can go ahead and call me Emma.” She reaches out, pulling Blaine back into a hug. “You have fun tonight, Blaine.”
“Well, I don’t know fun is the right word,” Blaine says. “I mean, Kurt’s in a pretty serious position right now.”
Emma rolls her eyes, letting him go. “You know what I mean, Blaine. Help Kurt cheer up, grow closer to him, strengthen your friendship.”
Blaine smiles, nodding. “I will, Emma.”
.
.
Kurt’s pacing outside of the cafeteria when Blaine reaches him, anxiety practically radiating from him. He jumps a little when he sees Blaine, and almost involuntarily, Blaine reaches out, patting him on the shoulder.
“Calm down. I’m here to help you relax.”
“They actually let you go?” Kurt asks, sounding a little surprised.
“I told you,” Blaine says. “My nurse is a pushover.”
“Well,” Kurt sighs, heaving a deep breath. “The waiting room is this way.”
He leads Blaine down to the end of the hallway and around the corner. They pass through a main lobby and head for the wing labeled “Cardiovascular Institute.” They head through a web of halls, which Blaine finds semi-familiar. The last time he walked along this path, he was too distraught to pay attention. Finally, they reach a smaller lobby, just before a hallway labeled “Recovery Center.” Kurt leads Blaine over to a row of chairs, collapsing into one. Blaine sits beside him, looking around.
There are other families sitting around, looking just as worried as Kurt. A woman looks up from across the room, and meeting Blaine’s gaze, offers a sad smile. Blaine returns it, feeling the slightest bit startled. So far, she’s the only person that’s paid attention to him.
It feels weird now, not having the nurse’s eyes on him. It feels weird not to be the patient, not be the one worried about, but rather, being the one doing the worrying. However, not necessarily in a bad way. Sure, Blaine wishes circumstances were different, but still it’s nice not to be under constant surveillance.
Blaine looks over at Kurt. “So, how are you holding up?”
Kurt shrugs. “Like you would imagine, I suppose.”
Blaine frowns. “I’m sorry, Kurt.”
Kurt shakes his head, pressing his lips together. “I’ve dealt with this before, you know. When my mom had cancer, and it’s - it’s not like I haven’t expected the worst.”
Blaine’s silent for a moment, looking down at his lap. He’s never understood how Kurt handles everything so well, and he still doesn’t. He thinks he might in the future, but right now he’s still amazed at how strong Kurt is, how he still manages to pull himself through it all. Blaine knows he couldn’t do that if he was in Kurt’s position.
“I miss her,” Kurt says suddenly, and Blaine looks over at him. “Usually, I’m fine. I can think about her without feeling that pang. I mean - I’ve got Carole, I’ve got my dad, but now - I just - I miss her.” He heaves a deep breath. “You know, she was always the strong one. I guess that’s where I get it from. My dad used to beat himself up over the way he handled her death - how withdrawn and secluded he became, but I was the same way. We were alone together, if that makes any sense.”
Blaine nods slowly; he can understand. It’s like him and Kurt right now, actually.
“I know I have Carole and Finn helping me through this,” Kurt continues, “but losing my dad, I - I just wish it was my own mom I had, and Blaine, I don’t even know. I’m a mess - I miss my mom and I already miss my dad and I’m terrified, and I just - I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do.” Tears are slipping through, falling down his cheeks, and - it’s almost an involuntary reflex now - Blaine reaches for Kurt’s hand.
“Hey - shh,” Blaine says, giving Kurt’s fingers a small squeeze. “I’m going to tell you what you’re not going to do, okay? You’re not going to assume the worst just yet. You’re going to hold on for your dad, and have faith that he’ll pull through this. You’re not going to withdraw yourself again. You’re going to depend on Carole and Finn. And you’ll get through it, Kurt - you will.”
Blaine doesn’t know where this is all coming from, doesn’t know how he’s able to give this advice and not even be able to follow it himself. He’s the exact opposite - it’s his signature thing to bottle up all his shit and never talk to anyone, never depend on anyone else, and maybe that’s just it. Maybe it’s just because Kurt is so different, and Blaine can and does depend on him. Maybe he’s spitting out this advice because Kurt is where he learned it first.
Kurt takes a deep breath, using his free hand to wipe away the tears on his face. He keeps his other hand wrapped tight around Blaine’s. His breath is shaky as he tries to even it out, hiccupping here and there.
“Thank you, Blaine,” he says, before letting out a sigh and letting his head fall back. “God, I’m tired.”
“Then why don’t we sleep,” Blaine suggests. “You can use me as a pillow if you want.”
Kurt smiles, resting his head on Blaine’s shoulders. He pulls his legs up, and Blaine does the same. They manage to keep their fingers entwined as they get comfortable, and for a second, both of them revel in the feeling of being so close. They both close their eyes, and not thirty seconds after they do so does someone interrupt them.
“Uh - hello?”
They both open their eyes.
“Oh, good.”
It’s a nurse - young, probably one of the university students, and one that Kurt obviously recognizes because he smiles and straightens up. “Hi, Joanie,” he says. “Um - is my dad - ?”
“Still asleep,” she replies, “and, actually, I just came over to ask if you wanted to join him. I can’t imagine those chairs are very comfortable, and, well, your dad has that extra bed in his room that’s not going to be occupied any time soon.”
“Could we sleep in there?” Kurt asks, and Joanie laughs.
“Yes, that’s what I’m trying to say - go right ahead.”
Kurt stands up, pulling Blaine with him. “Oh, thank you so much, Joanie.”
“It’s not a problem,” she replies. “I know you need your rest. And it’s not really easy to get in this waiting room.”
Kurt opens his mouth to speak, but instead, ends up yawning.
Joanie laughs again. “Go get some sleep, Kurt.”
Kurt nods, smiling, and turns away, but Joanie catches him quickly.
“Oh - and,” she leans towards him, lowering her voice, “you two are very cute together.”
Kurt blushes, looking down at his and Blaine’s hands, and he immediately lets go. “Oh, we’re not - “
Joanie rolls her eyes. “Whatever you say, Kurt. Just go to bed.”
Kurt mumbles something before turning away again. Blaine brings up the hand previously holding Kurt’s and rubs the back of his neck, following after. Once they reach Burt’s room, they tiptoe quietly inside, glancing over at him every few seconds as they make their way to the bed. Kurt climbs in first, getting situated while also leaving room for Blaine. He motions for Blaine to join him, and he does, sliding along the firm mattress. Kurt pulls up the flimsy sheets, turning on his side. Blaine shimmies up next to him.
“Man, this is much more comfortable than the beds we have,” he whispers. “Wow. I see which patients they favor.”
Kurt laughs quietly.
“I’m not kidding. They’re like freaking cots, and my legs hang off the edge. Kurt, I am short.”
Kurt looks back at him, squinting his eyes. “You’re not that short.”
“Short enough that a bed should be able to fit me,” Blaine grumbles.
Kurt laughs again, tucking his head back against the pillows. “Go to sleep, Blaine,” he sighs.
“In this comfy bed? Don’t mind if I do.”
Blaine closes his eyes, and he’s suddenly aware of Kurt so close to him. He’s aware of how their legs are touching, how his fingertips are grazing Kurt’s back, how he can almost feel Kurt breathing. Blaine watches the rise and fall of his shoulders as he breathes. His eyes trace over his Kurt’s neck, his hair, and then back down his body again. As he drifts off, all the stress just melts away, and Blaine suddenly realizes he’s seeing Kurt at his most vulnerable. It’s just another punch in the gut, really, because Blaine’s feelings are only strengthened.
Blaine heaves a sigh. The comment the nurse made is still playing over and over in his head, and he can still see the way Kurt blushed, feel the way Kurt quickly let go in embarrassment - the good kind of embarrassment. Blaine closes his eyes as a smile taunts his lips, and as he too falls asleep, he revels in his feelings instead of pushing them back.
.
chapter 8a