fic: the closest to heaven (4/12)
Title: The Closest to Heaven
Pairing: Kurt/Blaine
Rating: R (see warnings, also - sexual situations in later chapters)
Word Count: 3,660 for this part; 14,908 overall
Warnings: character death, depression, self-harm, suicide attempts, psychiatric hospitalization, hospitalization for heart issues, bullying, gay-bashing, homophobia, talk of drug and alcohol abuse, talk of involvement with gangs, talk of ocd
Summary: Confined to the walls of the UC Neuroscience Institute, Blaine Anderson has completely given up on life. But when he meets Kurt Hummel - a boy who’s remaining strong even though his own life is falling apart, Blaine begins to realize that maybe he doesn’t have to give up just yet. Maybe he’s strong enough to keep fighting.
He turns, and Blaine feels the breath catch in his chest. "Cooper?"
Cooper looks up, eyes wide, and within seconds, his arms are wrapped tightly around Blaine, Blaine's face pressed firmly in his chest. "Oh, God," Cooper breathes. He hangs his head, resting his chin on top of Blaine's.
A/N: I have long, rambly author's note right here, explaining the personal nature of this fic, and I guess in a way, it's a bit of a goodbye message.
It's Saturday, which means a) Blaine's made it a full week in this hellhole, and b) it's visiting day. Blaine doesn't expect anyone to be coming for him. His parents are both working, and he really wouldn't expect them to come even if they were free.
So after breakfast, when Puck says he'll see him later and everyone departs to meet their families, Blaine stays back, taking his time to dispose of his trash. As patients meet their families, their friends, their neighbors; as people hug and share stories and tear up, Blaine tucks his hands in his pockets and rushes through the hallways as fast as he can without running. He just wants to get back to his room. Go back to sleep until lunch rolls around and he can meet Kurt in the café like they planned.
But when he rounds the corner by the receptionist, he stops short. There's someone very familiar talking to her.
"Blaine Anderson? He's here - he checked in here a week ago? Please, I've been waiting all week to see him."
"Calm down, sweetie. All the patients were just at breakfast. He's either in the cafeteria or on his way back."
"Alright, I - thank you."
He turns, and Blaine feels the breath catch in his chest. "Cooper?"
Cooper looks up, eyes wide, and within seconds, his arms are wrapped tightly around Blaine, Blaine's face pressed firmly in his chest. "Oh, God," Cooper breathes. He hangs his head, resting his chin on top of Blaine's.
Two or three seconds pass by before Blaine tries to push away. "Cooper," he groans. "Cooper, I can't breathe." He's released suddenly, and it takes him a moment to regain proper breathing. As soon as he's got control, he looks up at Cooper, nothing short of surprised. "I - I didn't know you were coming," he says quietly.
I didn't think you'd even care.
Cooper's eyebrows crease together, and he looks briefly confused. "Of course I was." When Blaine doesn't say anything in return, Cooper looks around awkwardly, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "So - anywhere we can catch up?"
"The café," Blaine answers automatically, and soon enough, he's leading the way.
.
.
The café, Blaine's noticed, always smells like coffee. Around mealtimes, other aromas may add to it - like oatmeal, hot sandwiches, burgers. It's so much better than the stuff the cafeteria in the Mood Disorders Center.
For Blaine, the large, spacious room has become his safe haven. It's open - surrounded by walls made of glass, but it's also warm and comforting.
And with memories and thoughts of Kurt, it's starting to feel like the only home he's ever had.
It's not a happy home, not in the least. Because just down the halls is Blaine's real home, the home where he's monitored and watched over and just about everyone thinks he's a nutcase, but here - here, he can at least pretend. Here, where nothing but also everything is so simple, where Kurt laughs and smiles and doesn't know the truth about Blaine, here is where it feels like home.
And it's only fitting to bring his brother here. He doesn't want to go back to his room with its open door and small space. He doesn't want to be around the other guys who are harder and tougher and scare Blaine just a little bit. He doesn't want to be around the guys like Puck who are figuring things out and are lucky enough to be on their way to getting out, to getting things right. He just wants to be alone with his brother, acting just like they did in the old days.
Cooper buys them coffee and Blaine sips on it once, but doesn't drink it again. An awkward silence hangs between them, and Blaine wishes so badly it wouldn't. He loves Cooper, he really does, but that doesn't stop the pain. He knows that Cooper's hurt, that Cooper feels unimportant, because if Blaine really loved him, why would he try to kill himself, leaving Cooper behind to deal with the mess?
Then again, Cooper's never made a big effort to be there for Blaine - not until after his first suicide attempt, that is. There was always something bigger and better for Cooper to do. There was always somewhere else for Cooper to go, and Blaine was constantly left in the dust, trying desperately to fend for himself. Even so, Blaine would never blame this on Cooper.
Blaine heaves a deep breath, swallowing hard. "It's not your fault, you know," he says quietly. "It never was. It never will be."
Cooper nods, pressing his lips together. "I wish I could say I agreed with you."
"Cooper, it's me," Blaine says desperately. "It's always been me. - "
"But if I took some initiative," Cooper argues, leaning forward and pointing to himself. "If I had actually done something, Blaine. If I'd taken a second away from my stupid life, maybe you wouldn't have wanted to end yours."
"No," Blaine says, shaking his head. "Cooper, you - "
"I should have made sure you knew you were loved," Cooper says, fighting back tears now; Blaine can see them glistening in his eyes.
"I did know," Blaine says honestly. "At least - I thought - I knew that you cared somewhat. And I'm sorry, Cooper. I'm sorry for putting you in this position, but there's - there's no denying you'd get over it."
"I wouldn't," Cooper says softly. "You know I wouldn't, Blaine. Not if there was something I could have done."
"But you couldn't have," Blaine replies, looking straight into Cooper's eyes. "There's nothing you could have done, Cooper. I've told you all along - there's something wrong with me. Something messed up inside me, and trust me, Cooper - there was nothing you could have said or done that would have stopped me."
Cooper doesn't say anything. He takes a deep breath, running his hand through his hair, and then wiping the tears from his eyes. "God, Blaine," he chokes out, voice cracking.
"I'm sorry," Blaine says instantly.
"No, no - " Cooper says quickly, sniffling. "Blaine, don't be. You have no reason to be. You're hurting. I know. And it's bad. I understand that. Blaine, I wish things didn't have to be like this, but I get it. I get why you tried to commit suicide, even if I hate the idea of it. Even if I wish with every fiber of my being that you wouldn't turn to that." He takes another deep, shaky breath. "But at least you're getting help, right? It can only get better from here."
Blaine's still hesitant on believing that, but he nods for Cooper's sake.
.
.
They talk for over an hour, and as time goes on, it becomes easier. They're careful not to mention the suicide attempt again, but keep their conversation light and simple. Cooper tells Blaine about the dog he and his roommate just adopted, and Blaine tells Cooper about how he's developed a somewhat close bond with his own roommate, Puck. Cooper tells Blaine how Scout has chewed up three pairs of his shoes, and after laughing a good few minutes, Blaine tells Cooper that Puck would probably do the same if Blaine didn't keep his shoes with him all the time.
They're walking through the halls now, making sure to stay inside Blaine's allotted perimeter. The halls are actually much quieter than Blaine thought they would be, so he can clearly hear it when Cooper's phone buzzes in his pocket. Cooper pulls it, his expression confused. That is, until he looks at the text. Once he reads it, a smile spreads across his face, and he replies quickly.
"What are you so excited about?" Blaine asks, raising a judgmental eyebrow.
Cooper glances at him a second, biting his lip. "You'll see," he answers. "Come on."
Blaine, nothing short of extremely confused, follows after Cooper. Cooper leads him out into the courtyard, and Blaine looks over his shoulder nervously. "Cooper, I don't know if I'm allowed out here," he hisses.
Cooper waves a hand. "You'll be fine. You're with me. If they get angry with you, I'll make sure to tell them I'm the one who dragged you out here."
Blaine looks back at the doors, heaving a deep breath, but he doesn't say anything. He follows Cooper over to a bench, where Cooper holds out a hand.
"Take a seat," Cooper instructs.
Blaine looks at him skeptically before he does so, feeling very self-conscious.
"Cooper, what's - "
"Alright, guys - come out."
Seemingly out of nowhere, the Warblers form a crowd in front of him - well, the few Warblers Blaine considers his close friends. Wes, David, Nick, Jeff, and Trent are all there - smiling widely at him. Blaine launches out of his seat, throwing himself at them. A tight group hug is formed around him, and before Blaine knows what's happening, he's tearing up, a real, genuine smile lighting up his tired face.
"What are you guys doing here?" he chokes out as everyone backs off.
"Cooper told us it was visiting day," Nick replies. "We couldn't wait to see you, Blaine."
"We've missed you so much," Jeff says, reaching out to pat Blaine lightly on the shoulder.
"It's just - " David starts, breaking off to heave a breath, "it's good to see you alive, bud."
Blaine nods, pressing his lips together.
"And, Blaine?" Nick asks. "I'm sorry. I know we let you down. We're all sorry - "
Blaine shakes his head, holding up a hand. "Stop right there," he says. "I'm not going to let you blame yourselves. Just ask Cooper - we had this conversation earlier. Trust me, there's nothing you could have done. All that matters is that Nick got me here in time. And - and now I'm trying to get better."
Trying, not succeeding, Blaine reminds himself. Come to think of it, he's actually not really trying either, but his friends don't need to know that. He has to give them what they want.
"And you're here," Blaine continues, smiling. He takes a deep breath, shaking his head in disbelief. "You guys have no idea what this means to me."
"Of course we're here," Wes says, clapping him on the back. "You're our friend, Blaine. We're here for you."
"Always," David adds.
"Whenever you need us," Trent says.
Blaine's throat feels tight and his eyes prickle. He nods, pressing his lips together. "Thank you," he says quietly, then laughs to hold in the sobs. Wes wraps an arm around Blaine's shoulder, hugging him awkwardly, but Blaine falls into it, feeling safe.
"So," Nick starts. "You want to tell us how things are going here?"
"Shitty until you showed up," Blaine says, and they all laugh. "No, but seriously - you're right. We need to catch up." He pulls away from Wes, straightening up. "First things first, let's get back inside. I'm not exactly sure if I'm allowed out here."
Everyone chuckles and slowly makes their way inside the hospital. Blaine trails back, walking next to Cooper.
"Thank you," he says quietly.
Cooper just winks and smiles at him.
"Whatever it takes to make you happy again."
.
.
The next several hours seem to last an eternity, and Blaine wishes they would never end. But then five o'clock rolls around, and visiting hours are over. Blaine has dinner in an hour, and everyone else has their families, their lives to get back to. Blaine doesn't blame them either. This hospital is awful. With one last round of hugs, the Warblers say goodbye, and Blaine watches them sadly as they go, wishing he could go with them. No matter how bad things got, there were those rare and special moments like this where they somehow managed to cheer him up.
Blaine turns back, heart heavy as he looks to Cooper.
"Guess you'll be going now, too," he says softly.
Cooper sighs, walking over to him. "I wish I didn't. You know I'd stay if I could."
Blaine nods, swallowing hard. Cooper pulls him into another tight hug, and this time, Blaine hugs back, holding Cooper just as tightly. He can feel the tears stinging his eyes, and they overflow now, melting into the fabric of Cooper's shirt.
"Thank you for everything," Blaine says into his chest.
"I love you," is all Cooper says back.
Somehow, Blaine manages to choke out, "Love you too."
The stay like that for long moment before Blaine pulls back, sniffling. Cooper keeps his hands on Blaine's shoulders, stern and comforting.
"I'll be back in a week, alright?" he says. "Until then, you just keep fighting, okay?"
Blaine nods, unable to speak.
"I believe in you, Blaine," Cooper says, and his voice begins to crack. "I know it's been a long time. I know you've been fighting this for years, but one day you'll make it all the way through. One day you'll win."
Blaine flings his arms around Cooper again, giving him a tight squeeze. Cooper ruffles his hair when he pulls back again. "I'll see you later, little bro."
"Goodbye," Blaine says, and with a sad smile, he watches Cooper head out the door, all the way until he's disappeared around the corner.
Blaine takes a deep breath, trying to get the air back in his lungs. They've never felt so heavy before. Swallowing hard, he turns around, heading to the café. He should be meeting Kurt any minute now, and hopefully their daily coffee date will help take his mind off the fact that he already misses Cooper.
Kurt's waiting just down the hall, and Blaine hopes he hasn't kept him too long.
"Sorry," he says immediately. "I know I'm late. It's been a busy day."
"I can see that," Kurt replies, not at all upset. Blaine breathes a sigh of relief. "Who was that? The person you just hugged?"
And then Blaine's breathless again. He feels the blood drain from his face, and suddenly he's extremely dizzy. His heart pounds violently against his ribcage. "Cooper," he manages to choke out. "C - Cooper's friend."
Kurt nods, and Blaine's heart gives a violent beat as Kurt seems to buy his lie. The dizziness has gotten worse, and Blaine drags himself over to their usual bench, collapsing on top of it. Kurt follows, taking a careful seat.
"How's he doing?" Kurt asks gently. "Cooper?"
"Well," Blaine sighs, thinking fast. "It's - it's officially a coma."
Kurt frowns, his eyes going wide with sadness. "I'm so sorry, Blaine," he says, laying a comforting hand on Blaine's forearm.
"It's not your fault," Blaine replies quietly. His heart is slowing now, his panic gone. Kurt still believes his lie. He's still clear. But God, he needs to be more careful. "How's your dad?" Blaine asks lifelessly, playing it all up.
"He's getting better," Kurt says, looking away from him. "Slowly, but surely."
Blaine nods but doesn't say anything. Kurt glances at him for a moment and then stands up.
"Come on," he says, offering Blaine a hand.
Blaine looks up in surprise. "What?"
"You're obviously very upset," Kurt says. "And you have every right to be. But, I want to help you take your mind off things, and maybe give you a little hope in the process."
Blaine blinks, confused, but he takes Kurt's hand anyway, pulling himself up. "How are you going to do that?"
Kurt smiles, wrapping his fingers tightly around Blaine's. Blaine can tell by the warmth blossoming in his cheeks that he's blushing furiously. And, for a second, his heart actually stops. This is new. He felt something similar a long time ago, and now his emotions have suddenly kicked him in the gut.
"You'll see," Kurt teases, and Blaine giggles.
Blaine actually giggles.
"No, don't give me that," he says as Kurt begins leading them down the hall, still holding his hand. "Come on, Kurt. Where are you taking me?"
Kurt doesn't answer but continues to smile.
"Kurt!"
"Alright, alright," he says, caving. "I'm taking you to see my dad."
And there it goes again - that exhilarating feeling. Blaine's mouth goes dry and he doesn't quite know what to say. Meeting the family - it's a big step in their relationship, especially considering they've been "hospital buddies" for a week.
Then again, he is holding Kurt's hand.
"Blaine?" Kurt asks. He's looking at Blaine now with concern in his expression. "Are - are you okay with that? I don't - I didn't want to upset you or anything."
"What? No, no - I - yes," he spits out at last. "Yes, I'm okay with it. I'd love to meet your dad."
Kurt smiles instantly and then gives Blaine's hand a squeeze. "And I'm guessing soon enough, I'll meet your brother."
Blaine smiles back, even through the twinge of guilt in his stomach.
.
.
Blaine expects Burt's hospital room to be quiet, but when he steps inside, he finds it's actually quite the opposite. He recognizes Finn, sitting in a chair between Burt's bed and a woman who must be his mother. They're all talking animatedly, laughing and smiling. Blaine feels a small twist in his heart and looks nervously over to Kurt, who smiles reassuringly at him.
As they enter the room, Kurt's family turns to look at them. Blaine takes a deep breath, forcing a smile on his face.
"Who's this?" the woman asks with a smirk, and Blaine feels the pressure of their gazes intensify.
"Carole," Kurt says. "Dad, Finn - this is Blaine."
"Haven't heard a thing about you," Burt mutters sarcastically, and Kurt goes red.
Blaine laughs a little awkwardly, disentangling his hand from Kurt's. "It's - uh - good to meet you guys," he says, rubbing the back of his neck.
Burt nods, beckoning him forward. "Don't be shy, kid. Come on over."
Slowly, Blaine walks forward, Kurt right at his side. His heart is racing in his chest, and he doesn't know why. Is it normal for him to be this nervous, to be this anxious? He stands with his hands in his pockets at the side of Burt's bed, trying to ease up.
"So, you're Blaine, huh?" Burt asks, looking up at him.
Blaine tries not to notice how tired he looks. With the nasal plugs up his nose and the IV wrapped around his hand, he looks so much worse than Blaine should feel. Blaine almost feels guilty for being sorry for himself all the goddamned time. Burt's obviously got it a lot worse, and Blaine doesn't even feel like he should be here. He's taking up a hospital room that a real kid in need could use. Right now, Blaine's not even sure what he's doing here.
"Yes, sir," he replies quietly.
Burt nods. "I was joking before. Kurt's told us a lot about you. He said your brother's here - got in a car accident? Is that right?"
Blaine nods, pressing his lips together. "He's - he's in coma," he says, swallowing hard.
"I'm sorry," Burt says, and Blaine waves a hand.
"It's - it's fine," he says. "I'm coping."
"Glad to hear it," Burt replies.
"And you're still visiting him?" Carole chimes in. "Every day? You're not just waiting for the call that he's woken up?"
Blaine shakes his head. "I'd like to be there when he does. Or close by. I live in Westerville, so it'd - it'd be a drive."
Carole nods, understanding. "You two must be close."
Blaine hesitates, forcing a smile. "We are," he says at last.
"Do you fight like these two?" Burt asks, and Carole laughs.
Blaine smirks, looking from Kurt to Finn as they glare at their father.
"We don't fight that much," Finn protests.
"We're very civil, Dad," Kurt adds.
"Oh, like you were a few hours ago, fighting over the last M&Ms in the vending machine?"
Finn and Kurt both turn red. Carole laughs again, smiling at them fondly. Burt looks smug, giving them each knowing smiles. Kurt huffs, crossing his arms, and Finn looks sheepishly down at the ground.
"Oh, lighten up," Burt says, looking at both of them, pleading for a grin.
As they joke around, Blaine begins to feel a bit distant. He feels like he's looking through glass, watching the scene from far away, not as part of it. His vision is almost cloudy, his ears feel like they're stuffed with cotton. His heart clenches in his chest, and a strong feeling comes over him - a mix of loneliness, self-pity, and a few other things he can't quite put his finger on.
He looks around the room, from Kurt to Burt to Carole to Finn, taking in their family dynamic. The way they counter and balance each other perfectly. The way they give each other joy and hope and strength. It almost makes Blaine jealous.
Why can't he have that?
Why can't he have someone who would fit him perfectly like that? Who would help him through everything like the way they're helping each other? Maybe that's what he needs. Maybe that's what he's been missing the past three years.
But then his mind flashes to today - Cooper, the Warblers, Kurt's family. All of them have been supportive in some way.
Maybe he's the one at fault here. Maybe he just hasn't noticed what he's got. Maybe he's been too blind, too sheltered by the cover of depression.
Before his mind can register what his body's doing, Blaine's turning around. The sound of his heartbeat pounds violently against his ears, and his stomach is uneasy. He feels dizzy, unsteady, but he begins making his way towards the door anyway.
"Blaine?"
He glances back, seeing Kurt's confused expression.
"Where are you going?"
Blaine opens his mouth to say something, but it's a moment before he manages to choke out, "I'm sorry. I have to go." And in the next second, he's gone - racing down the hallways until he can't carry himself anymore and he collapses onto the nearest bench, pressing his face into his hands as the sobs rack his body.
.
chapter 5a
Pairing: Kurt/Blaine
Rating: R (see warnings, also - sexual situations in later chapters)
Word Count: 3,660 for this part; 14,908 overall
Warnings: character death, depression, self-harm, suicide attempts, psychiatric hospitalization, hospitalization for heart issues, bullying, gay-bashing, homophobia, talk of drug and alcohol abuse, talk of involvement with gangs, talk of ocd
Summary: Confined to the walls of the UC Neuroscience Institute, Blaine Anderson has completely given up on life. But when he meets Kurt Hummel - a boy who’s remaining strong even though his own life is falling apart, Blaine begins to realize that maybe he doesn’t have to give up just yet. Maybe he’s strong enough to keep fighting.
He turns, and Blaine feels the breath catch in his chest. "Cooper?"
Cooper looks up, eyes wide, and within seconds, his arms are wrapped tightly around Blaine, Blaine's face pressed firmly in his chest. "Oh, God," Cooper breathes. He hangs his head, resting his chin on top of Blaine's.
A/N: I have long, rambly author's note right here, explaining the personal nature of this fic, and I guess in a way, it's a bit of a goodbye message.
It's Saturday, which means a) Blaine's made it a full week in this hellhole, and b) it's visiting day. Blaine doesn't expect anyone to be coming for him. His parents are both working, and he really wouldn't expect them to come even if they were free.
So after breakfast, when Puck says he'll see him later and everyone departs to meet their families, Blaine stays back, taking his time to dispose of his trash. As patients meet their families, their friends, their neighbors; as people hug and share stories and tear up, Blaine tucks his hands in his pockets and rushes through the hallways as fast as he can without running. He just wants to get back to his room. Go back to sleep until lunch rolls around and he can meet Kurt in the café like they planned.
But when he rounds the corner by the receptionist, he stops short. There's someone very familiar talking to her.
"Blaine Anderson? He's here - he checked in here a week ago? Please, I've been waiting all week to see him."
"Calm down, sweetie. All the patients were just at breakfast. He's either in the cafeteria or on his way back."
"Alright, I - thank you."
He turns, and Blaine feels the breath catch in his chest. "Cooper?"
Cooper looks up, eyes wide, and within seconds, his arms are wrapped tightly around Blaine, Blaine's face pressed firmly in his chest. "Oh, God," Cooper breathes. He hangs his head, resting his chin on top of Blaine's.
Two or three seconds pass by before Blaine tries to push away. "Cooper," he groans. "Cooper, I can't breathe." He's released suddenly, and it takes him a moment to regain proper breathing. As soon as he's got control, he looks up at Cooper, nothing short of surprised. "I - I didn't know you were coming," he says quietly.
I didn't think you'd even care.
Cooper's eyebrows crease together, and he looks briefly confused. "Of course I was." When Blaine doesn't say anything in return, Cooper looks around awkwardly, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "So - anywhere we can catch up?"
"The café," Blaine answers automatically, and soon enough, he's leading the way.
.
.
The café, Blaine's noticed, always smells like coffee. Around mealtimes, other aromas may add to it - like oatmeal, hot sandwiches, burgers. It's so much better than the stuff the cafeteria in the Mood Disorders Center.
For Blaine, the large, spacious room has become his safe haven. It's open - surrounded by walls made of glass, but it's also warm and comforting.
And with memories and thoughts of Kurt, it's starting to feel like the only home he's ever had.
It's not a happy home, not in the least. Because just down the halls is Blaine's real home, the home where he's monitored and watched over and just about everyone thinks he's a nutcase, but here - here, he can at least pretend. Here, where nothing but also everything is so simple, where Kurt laughs and smiles and doesn't know the truth about Blaine, here is where it feels like home.
And it's only fitting to bring his brother here. He doesn't want to go back to his room with its open door and small space. He doesn't want to be around the other guys who are harder and tougher and scare Blaine just a little bit. He doesn't want to be around the guys like Puck who are figuring things out and are lucky enough to be on their way to getting out, to getting things right. He just wants to be alone with his brother, acting just like they did in the old days.
Cooper buys them coffee and Blaine sips on it once, but doesn't drink it again. An awkward silence hangs between them, and Blaine wishes so badly it wouldn't. He loves Cooper, he really does, but that doesn't stop the pain. He knows that Cooper's hurt, that Cooper feels unimportant, because if Blaine really loved him, why would he try to kill himself, leaving Cooper behind to deal with the mess?
Then again, Cooper's never made a big effort to be there for Blaine - not until after his first suicide attempt, that is. There was always something bigger and better for Cooper to do. There was always somewhere else for Cooper to go, and Blaine was constantly left in the dust, trying desperately to fend for himself. Even so, Blaine would never blame this on Cooper.
Blaine heaves a deep breath, swallowing hard. "It's not your fault, you know," he says quietly. "It never was. It never will be."
Cooper nods, pressing his lips together. "I wish I could say I agreed with you."
"Cooper, it's me," Blaine says desperately. "It's always been me. - "
"But if I took some initiative," Cooper argues, leaning forward and pointing to himself. "If I had actually done something, Blaine. If I'd taken a second away from my stupid life, maybe you wouldn't have wanted to end yours."
"No," Blaine says, shaking his head. "Cooper, you - "
"I should have made sure you knew you were loved," Cooper says, fighting back tears now; Blaine can see them glistening in his eyes.
"I did know," Blaine says honestly. "At least - I thought - I knew that you cared somewhat. And I'm sorry, Cooper. I'm sorry for putting you in this position, but there's - there's no denying you'd get over it."
"I wouldn't," Cooper says softly. "You know I wouldn't, Blaine. Not if there was something I could have done."
"But you couldn't have," Blaine replies, looking straight into Cooper's eyes. "There's nothing you could have done, Cooper. I've told you all along - there's something wrong with me. Something messed up inside me, and trust me, Cooper - there was nothing you could have said or done that would have stopped me."
Cooper doesn't say anything. He takes a deep breath, running his hand through his hair, and then wiping the tears from his eyes. "God, Blaine," he chokes out, voice cracking.
"I'm sorry," Blaine says instantly.
"No, no - " Cooper says quickly, sniffling. "Blaine, don't be. You have no reason to be. You're hurting. I know. And it's bad. I understand that. Blaine, I wish things didn't have to be like this, but I get it. I get why you tried to commit suicide, even if I hate the idea of it. Even if I wish with every fiber of my being that you wouldn't turn to that." He takes another deep, shaky breath. "But at least you're getting help, right? It can only get better from here."
Blaine's still hesitant on believing that, but he nods for Cooper's sake.
.
.
They talk for over an hour, and as time goes on, it becomes easier. They're careful not to mention the suicide attempt again, but keep their conversation light and simple. Cooper tells Blaine about the dog he and his roommate just adopted, and Blaine tells Cooper about how he's developed a somewhat close bond with his own roommate, Puck. Cooper tells Blaine how Scout has chewed up three pairs of his shoes, and after laughing a good few minutes, Blaine tells Cooper that Puck would probably do the same if Blaine didn't keep his shoes with him all the time.
They're walking through the halls now, making sure to stay inside Blaine's allotted perimeter. The halls are actually much quieter than Blaine thought they would be, so he can clearly hear it when Cooper's phone buzzes in his pocket. Cooper pulls it, his expression confused. That is, until he looks at the text. Once he reads it, a smile spreads across his face, and he replies quickly.
"What are you so excited about?" Blaine asks, raising a judgmental eyebrow.
Cooper glances at him a second, biting his lip. "You'll see," he answers. "Come on."
Blaine, nothing short of extremely confused, follows after Cooper. Cooper leads him out into the courtyard, and Blaine looks over his shoulder nervously. "Cooper, I don't know if I'm allowed out here," he hisses.
Cooper waves a hand. "You'll be fine. You're with me. If they get angry with you, I'll make sure to tell them I'm the one who dragged you out here."
Blaine looks back at the doors, heaving a deep breath, but he doesn't say anything. He follows Cooper over to a bench, where Cooper holds out a hand.
"Take a seat," Cooper instructs.
Blaine looks at him skeptically before he does so, feeling very self-conscious.
"Cooper, what's - "
"Alright, guys - come out."
Seemingly out of nowhere, the Warblers form a crowd in front of him - well, the few Warblers Blaine considers his close friends. Wes, David, Nick, Jeff, and Trent are all there - smiling widely at him. Blaine launches out of his seat, throwing himself at them. A tight group hug is formed around him, and before Blaine knows what's happening, he's tearing up, a real, genuine smile lighting up his tired face.
"What are you guys doing here?" he chokes out as everyone backs off.
"Cooper told us it was visiting day," Nick replies. "We couldn't wait to see you, Blaine."
"We've missed you so much," Jeff says, reaching out to pat Blaine lightly on the shoulder.
"It's just - " David starts, breaking off to heave a breath, "it's good to see you alive, bud."
Blaine nods, pressing his lips together.
"And, Blaine?" Nick asks. "I'm sorry. I know we let you down. We're all sorry - "
Blaine shakes his head, holding up a hand. "Stop right there," he says. "I'm not going to let you blame yourselves. Just ask Cooper - we had this conversation earlier. Trust me, there's nothing you could have done. All that matters is that Nick got me here in time. And - and now I'm trying to get better."
Trying, not succeeding, Blaine reminds himself. Come to think of it, he's actually not really trying either, but his friends don't need to know that. He has to give them what they want.
"And you're here," Blaine continues, smiling. He takes a deep breath, shaking his head in disbelief. "You guys have no idea what this means to me."
"Of course we're here," Wes says, clapping him on the back. "You're our friend, Blaine. We're here for you."
"Always," David adds.
"Whenever you need us," Trent says.
Blaine's throat feels tight and his eyes prickle. He nods, pressing his lips together. "Thank you," he says quietly, then laughs to hold in the sobs. Wes wraps an arm around Blaine's shoulder, hugging him awkwardly, but Blaine falls into it, feeling safe.
"So," Nick starts. "You want to tell us how things are going here?"
"Shitty until you showed up," Blaine says, and they all laugh. "No, but seriously - you're right. We need to catch up." He pulls away from Wes, straightening up. "First things first, let's get back inside. I'm not exactly sure if I'm allowed out here."
Everyone chuckles and slowly makes their way inside the hospital. Blaine trails back, walking next to Cooper.
"Thank you," he says quietly.
Cooper just winks and smiles at him.
"Whatever it takes to make you happy again."
.
.
The next several hours seem to last an eternity, and Blaine wishes they would never end. But then five o'clock rolls around, and visiting hours are over. Blaine has dinner in an hour, and everyone else has their families, their lives to get back to. Blaine doesn't blame them either. This hospital is awful. With one last round of hugs, the Warblers say goodbye, and Blaine watches them sadly as they go, wishing he could go with them. No matter how bad things got, there were those rare and special moments like this where they somehow managed to cheer him up.
Blaine turns back, heart heavy as he looks to Cooper.
"Guess you'll be going now, too," he says softly.
Cooper sighs, walking over to him. "I wish I didn't. You know I'd stay if I could."
Blaine nods, swallowing hard. Cooper pulls him into another tight hug, and this time, Blaine hugs back, holding Cooper just as tightly. He can feel the tears stinging his eyes, and they overflow now, melting into the fabric of Cooper's shirt.
"Thank you for everything," Blaine says into his chest.
"I love you," is all Cooper says back.
Somehow, Blaine manages to choke out, "Love you too."
The stay like that for long moment before Blaine pulls back, sniffling. Cooper keeps his hands on Blaine's shoulders, stern and comforting.
"I'll be back in a week, alright?" he says. "Until then, you just keep fighting, okay?"
Blaine nods, unable to speak.
"I believe in you, Blaine," Cooper says, and his voice begins to crack. "I know it's been a long time. I know you've been fighting this for years, but one day you'll make it all the way through. One day you'll win."
Blaine flings his arms around Cooper again, giving him a tight squeeze. Cooper ruffles his hair when he pulls back again. "I'll see you later, little bro."
"Goodbye," Blaine says, and with a sad smile, he watches Cooper head out the door, all the way until he's disappeared around the corner.
Blaine takes a deep breath, trying to get the air back in his lungs. They've never felt so heavy before. Swallowing hard, he turns around, heading to the café. He should be meeting Kurt any minute now, and hopefully their daily coffee date will help take his mind off the fact that he already misses Cooper.
Kurt's waiting just down the hall, and Blaine hopes he hasn't kept him too long.
"Sorry," he says immediately. "I know I'm late. It's been a busy day."
"I can see that," Kurt replies, not at all upset. Blaine breathes a sigh of relief. "Who was that? The person you just hugged?"
And then Blaine's breathless again. He feels the blood drain from his face, and suddenly he's extremely dizzy. His heart pounds violently against his ribcage. "Cooper," he manages to choke out. "C - Cooper's friend."
Kurt nods, and Blaine's heart gives a violent beat as Kurt seems to buy his lie. The dizziness has gotten worse, and Blaine drags himself over to their usual bench, collapsing on top of it. Kurt follows, taking a careful seat.
"How's he doing?" Kurt asks gently. "Cooper?"
"Well," Blaine sighs, thinking fast. "It's - it's officially a coma."
Kurt frowns, his eyes going wide with sadness. "I'm so sorry, Blaine," he says, laying a comforting hand on Blaine's forearm.
"It's not your fault," Blaine replies quietly. His heart is slowing now, his panic gone. Kurt still believes his lie. He's still clear. But God, he needs to be more careful. "How's your dad?" Blaine asks lifelessly, playing it all up.
"He's getting better," Kurt says, looking away from him. "Slowly, but surely."
Blaine nods but doesn't say anything. Kurt glances at him for a moment and then stands up.
"Come on," he says, offering Blaine a hand.
Blaine looks up in surprise. "What?"
"You're obviously very upset," Kurt says. "And you have every right to be. But, I want to help you take your mind off things, and maybe give you a little hope in the process."
Blaine blinks, confused, but he takes Kurt's hand anyway, pulling himself up. "How are you going to do that?"
Kurt smiles, wrapping his fingers tightly around Blaine's. Blaine can tell by the warmth blossoming in his cheeks that he's blushing furiously. And, for a second, his heart actually stops. This is new. He felt something similar a long time ago, and now his emotions have suddenly kicked him in the gut.
"You'll see," Kurt teases, and Blaine giggles.
Blaine actually giggles.
"No, don't give me that," he says as Kurt begins leading them down the hall, still holding his hand. "Come on, Kurt. Where are you taking me?"
Kurt doesn't answer but continues to smile.
"Kurt!"
"Alright, alright," he says, caving. "I'm taking you to see my dad."
And there it goes again - that exhilarating feeling. Blaine's mouth goes dry and he doesn't quite know what to say. Meeting the family - it's a big step in their relationship, especially considering they've been "hospital buddies" for a week.
Then again, he is holding Kurt's hand.
"Blaine?" Kurt asks. He's looking at Blaine now with concern in his expression. "Are - are you okay with that? I don't - I didn't want to upset you or anything."
"What? No, no - I - yes," he spits out at last. "Yes, I'm okay with it. I'd love to meet your dad."
Kurt smiles instantly and then gives Blaine's hand a squeeze. "And I'm guessing soon enough, I'll meet your brother."
Blaine smiles back, even through the twinge of guilt in his stomach.
.
.
Blaine expects Burt's hospital room to be quiet, but when he steps inside, he finds it's actually quite the opposite. He recognizes Finn, sitting in a chair between Burt's bed and a woman who must be his mother. They're all talking animatedly, laughing and smiling. Blaine feels a small twist in his heart and looks nervously over to Kurt, who smiles reassuringly at him.
As they enter the room, Kurt's family turns to look at them. Blaine takes a deep breath, forcing a smile on his face.
"Who's this?" the woman asks with a smirk, and Blaine feels the pressure of their gazes intensify.
"Carole," Kurt says. "Dad, Finn - this is Blaine."
"Haven't heard a thing about you," Burt mutters sarcastically, and Kurt goes red.
Blaine laughs a little awkwardly, disentangling his hand from Kurt's. "It's - uh - good to meet you guys," he says, rubbing the back of his neck.
Burt nods, beckoning him forward. "Don't be shy, kid. Come on over."
Slowly, Blaine walks forward, Kurt right at his side. His heart is racing in his chest, and he doesn't know why. Is it normal for him to be this nervous, to be this anxious? He stands with his hands in his pockets at the side of Burt's bed, trying to ease up.
"So, you're Blaine, huh?" Burt asks, looking up at him.
Blaine tries not to notice how tired he looks. With the nasal plugs up his nose and the IV wrapped around his hand, he looks so much worse than Blaine should feel. Blaine almost feels guilty for being sorry for himself all the goddamned time. Burt's obviously got it a lot worse, and Blaine doesn't even feel like he should be here. He's taking up a hospital room that a real kid in need could use. Right now, Blaine's not even sure what he's doing here.
"Yes, sir," he replies quietly.
Burt nods. "I was joking before. Kurt's told us a lot about you. He said your brother's here - got in a car accident? Is that right?"
Blaine nods, pressing his lips together. "He's - he's in coma," he says, swallowing hard.
"I'm sorry," Burt says, and Blaine waves a hand.
"It's - it's fine," he says. "I'm coping."
"Glad to hear it," Burt replies.
"And you're still visiting him?" Carole chimes in. "Every day? You're not just waiting for the call that he's woken up?"
Blaine shakes his head. "I'd like to be there when he does. Or close by. I live in Westerville, so it'd - it'd be a drive."
Carole nods, understanding. "You two must be close."
Blaine hesitates, forcing a smile. "We are," he says at last.
"Do you fight like these two?" Burt asks, and Carole laughs.
Blaine smirks, looking from Kurt to Finn as they glare at their father.
"We don't fight that much," Finn protests.
"We're very civil, Dad," Kurt adds.
"Oh, like you were a few hours ago, fighting over the last M&Ms in the vending machine?"
Finn and Kurt both turn red. Carole laughs again, smiling at them fondly. Burt looks smug, giving them each knowing smiles. Kurt huffs, crossing his arms, and Finn looks sheepishly down at the ground.
"Oh, lighten up," Burt says, looking at both of them, pleading for a grin.
As they joke around, Blaine begins to feel a bit distant. He feels like he's looking through glass, watching the scene from far away, not as part of it. His vision is almost cloudy, his ears feel like they're stuffed with cotton. His heart clenches in his chest, and a strong feeling comes over him - a mix of loneliness, self-pity, and a few other things he can't quite put his finger on.
He looks around the room, from Kurt to Burt to Carole to Finn, taking in their family dynamic. The way they counter and balance each other perfectly. The way they give each other joy and hope and strength. It almost makes Blaine jealous.
Why can't he have that?
Why can't he have someone who would fit him perfectly like that? Who would help him through everything like the way they're helping each other? Maybe that's what he needs. Maybe that's what he's been missing the past three years.
But then his mind flashes to today - Cooper, the Warblers, Kurt's family. All of them have been supportive in some way.
Maybe he's the one at fault here. Maybe he just hasn't noticed what he's got. Maybe he's been too blind, too sheltered by the cover of depression.
Before his mind can register what his body's doing, Blaine's turning around. The sound of his heartbeat pounds violently against his ears, and his stomach is uneasy. He feels dizzy, unsteady, but he begins making his way towards the door anyway.
"Blaine?"
He glances back, seeing Kurt's confused expression.
"Where are you going?"
Blaine opens his mouth to say something, but it's a moment before he manages to choke out, "I'm sorry. I have to go." And in the next second, he's gone - racing down the hallways until he can't carry himself anymore and he collapses onto the nearest bench, pressing his face into his hands as the sobs rack his body.
.
chapter 5a