fic: the closest to heaven (5a/12)
Title: The Closest to Heaven
Pairing: Kurt/Blaine
Rating: R (see warnings, also - sexual situations in later chapters)
Word Count: 3,660 for this part; 14,908 overall
Warnings: character death, depression, self-harm, suicide attempts, psychiatric hospitalization, hospitalization for heart issues, bullying, gay-bashing, homophobia, talk of drug and alcohol abuse, talk of involvement with gangs, talk of ocd
Summary: Confined to the walls of the UC Neuroscience Institute, Blaine Anderson has completely given up on life. But when he meets Kurt Hummel - a boy who’s remaining strong even though his own life is falling apart, Blaine begins to realize that maybe he doesn’t have to give up just yet. Maybe he’s strong enough to keep fighting.
“Kurt?” he starts hesitantly.
“Yes?” Kurt asks softly, resting his hand on Blaine’s shoulder.
“I - I - “ he breaks off, taking a breath. He closes his eyes, running a hand through his hair. “Kurt, I have to be honest with you,” he says softly, opening his eyes again.
A/N: Thank you for the continued support, and thank you to Lyssa and Stephanie for beta-ing.
Footsteps find him within minutes. Arms slip carefully around his shoulders and he turns, leaning into them. He cries hard, gripping tight to the arms holding him. His head finds a chest to rest on, and he presses his face into the fabric over it, trying to silence and calm himself. He isn’t sure how long he sits there, sobbing in Kurt’s arms, but when he finally pulls up slightly, sniffling loudly, it feels like it’s been a lifetime.
Blaine doesn’t say anything. Not yet. He simply gets his breathing under control as Kurt rubs soothing circles on his back. They sit like that for awhile, and as they do, Blaine realizes he can’t keep up his charade any longer. He takes a deep breath, trying to clear his head.
“Kurt?” he starts hesitantly.
“Yes?” Kurt asks softly, resting his hand on Blaine’s shoulder.
“I - I - “ he breaks off, taking a breath. He closes his eyes, running a hand through his hair. “Kurt, I have to be honest with you,” he says softly, opening his eyes again.
Kurt lifts his head up, eyebrows creasing together.
“That was my brother,” Blaine continues. “That guy you saw me with earlier.”
There’s no reaction. Kurt’s only perplexed. It takes him a second, but then he narrows his eyes, cocking his head a little. “Wait - “
“I’ve been lying this whole time,” Blaine says. He hangs his head, not daring to look at Kurt. “Cooper’s not the one in the hospital. I am.”
The silence that follows rings in Blaine’s ears. The only sound he can hear is his own heart thumping wildly in his chest. He glances back up.
Kurt blinks, eyes going wide once Blaine’s words start to sink in.
Blaine feels like he might throw up. This is exactly why Blaine lied in the first place. He doesn’t want Kurt’s pity, sympathy, or worse - disgust. He just wants Kurt to continue to treat him like a normal person. He doesn’t want their friendship to be affected like this. Kurt was his chance at normality, and Blaine really hopes he hasn’t royally messed that up.
“Kurt?” he asks.
Kurt looks over to him, his mouth open as if he wants to say something, but it actually takes a minute for him to get the words out. “I don’t understand,” he says. “Why - why didn’t you just tell me? What’s wrong?”
Blaine sighs, pressing his lips together. “It’s complicated,” he replies honestly. “And I just - I wanted to feel like a regular person for once. You were so kind and sincere to me, Kurt,” he continues. “I liked it. Everyone else is so careful with me. No one tries to make me feel normal. They all think I’ll shatter at one simple touch.”
“Well,” Kurt says, gulping. “I don’t really know what to say. Are - are you dying, or?” His voice shakes a little, and Blaine is taken by surprise.
“No,” he says. “I’m not. It’s - it’s not a typical disease, Kurt,” he explains. “It’s not cancer, it’s not a tumor. There’s nothing wrong with my physically. It’s all mental.” He watches Kurt’s expression, watches as some of the confusion falls away, to be replaced by something Blaine can’t quite make out. It’s not resentment, though - that much he can tell - and he’s extremely grateful.
“You see that sign over there?” Blaine asks, pointing to the large, blue headboard that hangs right before a wide hallway. “You see where it says ‘Mood Disorders Center’?”
Kurt nods.
“That’s me,” Blaine says. “I’m staying there for six weeks.”
“Why?” Kurt asks, and Blaine’s almost alarmed that he’s still here, still willing to talk about this. He’s not looking at Blaine like he’s some kind of freak show. Blaine’s a real person, and Kurt still gets that. Blaine appreciates it more than Kurt will ever imagine.
“Well,” Blaine says heavily. “I - I tried to kill myself,” he says quietly, nearly choking on the words. “More than once. My nurse, she - she thinks I have pretty severe depression.”
Kurt nods, biting his lip. He doesn’t say anything at first, and Blaine waits anxiously on the edge of seat, practically begging Kurt with his mind not to leave. Don’t change your opinion of me. Please. I’m still the same person you’ve been spending time with. Maybe a little better, actually.
“Well,” Kurt starts, shifting his weight. “I’m not going to pretend like I understand what you’re going through, because I don’t. But I’m not here to judge you, Blaine. I’ve felt hopeless so many times in my life. I’m just lucky I have a strong support system. Something tells me that whatever happened, whatever you went through, you didn’t have that.”
Blaine feels dizzy, and his heart feels like it might explode out of his chest. This is all he’s ever needed to hear from Kurt. All he’s ever needed to hear from anyone really. He needed to catch a break like this, needed to be treated like someone with real, complex feelings that can’t be fixed through one day of therapy and a small little pill.
“I didn’t,” Blaine confirms. “I had Cooper once every so often, but that was it. My dad doesn’t like me, my mom didn’t know how to deal with anything, and I pushed away all of my friends. I had nothing.”
“Well, I’m sorry,” Kurt says, and his expression is now sinking into one of complete sadness. “I’m so sorry, Blaine.”
“I’ll be okay, though,” Blaine says, blinking hard against the incoming rush of fresh tears. “That’s - that’s why I’m on the verge of losing it right now, actually.”
Kurt scoots a little closer. “I’m confused.”
Blaine looks up at the ceiling to try and stem his watering eyes. He swallows hard. “For so long, I haven’t wanted to get better. For so long, I didn’t believe I would.” He shakes his head, looking down at his lap. “But after today, I think I believe differently.” He closes his eyes, breathing deep for a few seconds. “Seeing Cooper, seeing my friends, meeting your family, I’ve - I’ve realized I - I want all of that. I want to have a good relationship with my brother. I want to be happy around my friends. I want to patch things up with my family. I - I don’t want to die. Not if I can end this pain some other way.”
Kurt wraps his arms around Blaine again, hugging him tight. Blaine hugs Kurt in return, gripping him fiercely.
“I’m glad you told me this, Blaine,” Kurt whispers after a second. “And just know, I’ll be here for you. If you need to talk like this again, if you need to get something out. Or, if you just want to tell me that you’re improving, that you’re happy, I’ll celebrate with you. We’re here to help each other cope, remember? And that’s what I intend to do, even if it’s a little different than what I thought at first.”
Blaine presses his lips together, blinking a few times to clear the tears. “Thank you, Kurt. Thank you so much.”
“Of course,” Kurt says with a firm nod.
Blaine swallows hard, nodding back awkwardly. He takes a deep breath, calming himself. “Well, I - “ he starts, standing up. “I suppose I should be getting back. I’m way past my curfew.”
“R - right,” Kurt says, joining him. “I - I kind of just ran out after you, so I’m sure my family’s a little freaked out.” He pauses. “I’ll see you tomorrow, right?”
Blaine nods, chewing on his lip.
“Okay, good,” Kurt says. He reaches up slightly. “I - do you have a cell phone? I’d - I’d like to talk to you outside of our little meetings.”
Blaine sighs, shaking his head. “I’m not allowed one.”
Kurt clicks his lips together in disappointment.
“I’m sorry,” Blaine says. “My freedom’s pretty limited. And I’m getting my ass kicked tonight for sure - out of my boundaries, late for curfew - “
“Right, right,” Kurt says, shaking his head. “I’m sorry, I should let you go.”
“It’s fine,” Blaine says with a small smirk. “I’ll weasel my way out. My nurse is a pushover, and I know she’ll back me up.”
“Okay, good. I don’t want you to get in too much trouble,” Kurt says, sighing with relief. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Blaine.” He turns to leave.
“Kurt?”
“Yes?” he asks, glancing over his shoulder.
“Thank you,” Blaine says quietly. “Honestly. I was so scared of telling you. I’m scared of telling everyone, actually. But you listened, and you didn’t judge me, and that - that means a lot.”
Kurt smiles. “Well, I didn’t expect you needed more judgment in your life. I figured you just needed a friend.”
.
.
Blaine forces a sheepish smile as he approaches the entrance of the Mood Disorders Center. Emma’s waiting for him, pacing between the chairs of the common room. As soon as she sees him, she does a double take. The relief in her expression quickly turns to anger, and she puts her hands on her hips.
“Blaine Anderson, where on earth have you been?” she hisses.
“Please - please don’t be mad at me,” he says, putting his hands up in surrender. “I was talking to someone.”
“Well, who could possibly be so important as to keep you from curfew?” Emma asks. “Your friends and family should know better.”
“He didn’t know I was staying here,” Blaine explains. “I literally just told him I was. We’ve been keeping our meetings to my free time.”
Emma’s eyebrows crease together, and she stares at him quizzically. “I think you and I should have a chat. Come on.”
He follows after her, biting his lip. They sit down at one of the empty tables, facing each other. Emma folds her hands together, looking at him carefully. “Care to tell me about this person you’ve met?”
Blaine sighs, leaning back in his chair. He looks down at the table, chewing on the inside of his cheek before he speaks. “His name is Kurt. He’s a year older than me and he lives in Lima. His dad had a heart attack and that’s why he spends a lot of time here.”
“And so during these meetings,” Emma says, “what do you guys do?”
“Talk, mostly,” Blaine says quietly. “He buys me coffee too, sometimes.”
“Do you like talking with him?”
Blaine nods. “It’s nice. We help each other cope. I mean, I haven’t really been honest with him, so I haven’t told him much about what I’m feeling, but I help him, and it takes my mind off things. It helps me forget for awhile.”
“Forget what?” Emma asks, resting her head in her hand.
“I don’t know,” Blaine says. “Just - that everything sucks.” He laughs humorlessly. “I guess . . . when I’m with him, I feel almost normal. I don’t feel worthless and hopeless. I feel like I’m actually worth something. I feel like I can get through this.” Blaine swallows hard, ignoring the burning sensation he can feel in his eyes. “And I - I told him that today. I told him the truth. I told him that I tried to kill myself and that’s why I’m staying here. But I also told him - Mrs. Pillsbury, I told him that I wanted to get better. And I do. I really do.”
Emma smiles slowly, reaching out and gripping his hand.
“I saw Cooper today. I saw my friends. Kurt introduced me to his family. I felt almost happy, Mrs. Pillsbury. I don’t - I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want to lose these relationships I’ve formed. I - I have something to live for now.”
Emma presses her lips together, eyebrows dipping as she watches Blaine come undone. His shoulders start shaking and he can’t stop it now. He starts crying hard, and god, he’s so tired, but at the same time, it feels so good. Emma pushes herself up and walks around the side of the table. She lowers herself into a squat and wraps her arms around Blaine. He falls into her, hugging her tightly.
“Blaine,” she murmurs softly. “Blaine, I’m so glad to hear that. And you know, the beginning of recovery is always the hardest part. It’s not going to be easy, Blaine. It’ really won’t. But I will be here. Your brother, your friends, and Kurt will be here. You’ll get through this, Blaine. I know you will.”
He sniffles, getting control of himself.
“But I - I don’t even know where to start,” he says quietly.
“And that’s why I’m here,” Emma says with a smile. “If you want, we can start private therapy sessions. And some time before you’re checked out - probably two or three weeks before you leave, we’ll start you on anti-depressants, but we’ll have to double-check with a psychiatrist first. How does that sound?”
Blaine takes a deep breath and sniffles again. “That sounds good.”
Emma nods, smiling wider. “Good.”
She leans in and hugs Blaine again. He welcomes her embrace, resting his head on her shoulder.
Finally, after everything, there’s some hope for the future.
.
.
Blaine doesn’t sleep well that night.
He tosses and turns in his small, stiff bed, wrestling with his blankets. They’re heavy and hot, and it feels like they’re suffocating him.
And when he does sleep, it’s full of uneasy and restless dreams.
He walks through the halls of the hospital, but they seem taller somehow, and the lights are dimmed. His breath comes fast in his chest, and his heart rages against his ribs. He keeps walking carefully down the hall until he reaches a door to his right. There’s a plaque on the wall next to it, reading PRIVATE THERAPY, and with a deep breath, Blaine pushes the door open.
Like the halls, the room is dark. Only a small lamp on the therapist’s desk is glowing, illuminating the room in an eerie light.
“H - hello?” Blaine asks, squinting through the darkness.
“Sit down, Blaine,” the voice replies quietly.
He reaches out blindly for a chair, and once he finds it, sits down fast.
“Do you know why you’re here?”
Blaine’s eyebrows crease together nervously. “For therapy?”
A spine-tingling laugh comes from the silhouette sitting at the desk.
“No.”
“Wha - “
“You’re here because you’re nuts,” the voice replies.
Blaine stiffens, surprised.
“You’re crazy, Blaine. Dangerous. Insane. Psychotic. You’re an absolute disgrace, and I know you might think that you’ll improve, but I’m here to assure you, Blaine, that you won’t. You won’t.”
Blaine swallows hard, blinking fast.
“You’re going to be locked up here the rest of your life, trying desperately to get back out. But that nurse of yours will just pull you back, patting your head and telling you she’ll take you outside later once you’ve choked down that animal feed you guys are forced to eat. Each day, you’re just going to slowly descend deeper and deeper into that madness eating your mind.”
“I’m not crazy,” Blaine blurts out at last. “I’m not.”
“Really?” the voice asks. “Because what person in their right mind would try to kill themselves? Just think about that, Blaine.”
Blaine shakes his head, grinding his teeth together. “You don’t know anything.”
“Oh, but I do.”
The silhouette reaches an arm out, grabbing the lamp. The light shines in the person’s face, and Blaine finally gets a good glance at who it is.
Immediately, he’s stumbling up from his seat, backing up across the room.
“Andrew,” he breathes, eyes wide.
Andrew chuckles, watching in pleasure as Blaine backs up into the closed door.
“Gotchya now, Blaine.”
Blaine sits bolt upright, breathing heavily. He’s covered in cold sweat, and his entire body is shaking. It takes him a few minutes to calm down enough to lie back down, and when he does, Andrew’s cruel laughter is ringing in his head.
.
chapter 5b
Pairing: Kurt/Blaine
Rating: R (see warnings, also - sexual situations in later chapters)
Word Count: 3,660 for this part; 14,908 overall
Warnings: character death, depression, self-harm, suicide attempts, psychiatric hospitalization, hospitalization for heart issues, bullying, gay-bashing, homophobia, talk of drug and alcohol abuse, talk of involvement with gangs, talk of ocd
Summary: Confined to the walls of the UC Neuroscience Institute, Blaine Anderson has completely given up on life. But when he meets Kurt Hummel - a boy who’s remaining strong even though his own life is falling apart, Blaine begins to realize that maybe he doesn’t have to give up just yet. Maybe he’s strong enough to keep fighting.
“Kurt?” he starts hesitantly.
“Yes?” Kurt asks softly, resting his hand on Blaine’s shoulder.
“I - I - “ he breaks off, taking a breath. He closes his eyes, running a hand through his hair. “Kurt, I have to be honest with you,” he says softly, opening his eyes again.
A/N: Thank you for the continued support, and thank you to Lyssa and Stephanie for beta-ing.
Footsteps find him within minutes. Arms slip carefully around his shoulders and he turns, leaning into them. He cries hard, gripping tight to the arms holding him. His head finds a chest to rest on, and he presses his face into the fabric over it, trying to silence and calm himself. He isn’t sure how long he sits there, sobbing in Kurt’s arms, but when he finally pulls up slightly, sniffling loudly, it feels like it’s been a lifetime.
Blaine doesn’t say anything. Not yet. He simply gets his breathing under control as Kurt rubs soothing circles on his back. They sit like that for awhile, and as they do, Blaine realizes he can’t keep up his charade any longer. He takes a deep breath, trying to clear his head.
“Kurt?” he starts hesitantly.
“Yes?” Kurt asks softly, resting his hand on Blaine’s shoulder.
“I - I - “ he breaks off, taking a breath. He closes his eyes, running a hand through his hair. “Kurt, I have to be honest with you,” he says softly, opening his eyes again.
Kurt lifts his head up, eyebrows creasing together.
“That was my brother,” Blaine continues. “That guy you saw me with earlier.”
There’s no reaction. Kurt’s only perplexed. It takes him a second, but then he narrows his eyes, cocking his head a little. “Wait - “
“I’ve been lying this whole time,” Blaine says. He hangs his head, not daring to look at Kurt. “Cooper’s not the one in the hospital. I am.”
The silence that follows rings in Blaine’s ears. The only sound he can hear is his own heart thumping wildly in his chest. He glances back up.
Kurt blinks, eyes going wide once Blaine’s words start to sink in.
Blaine feels like he might throw up. This is exactly why Blaine lied in the first place. He doesn’t want Kurt’s pity, sympathy, or worse - disgust. He just wants Kurt to continue to treat him like a normal person. He doesn’t want their friendship to be affected like this. Kurt was his chance at normality, and Blaine really hopes he hasn’t royally messed that up.
“Kurt?” he asks.
Kurt looks over to him, his mouth open as if he wants to say something, but it actually takes a minute for him to get the words out. “I don’t understand,” he says. “Why - why didn’t you just tell me? What’s wrong?”
Blaine sighs, pressing his lips together. “It’s complicated,” he replies honestly. “And I just - I wanted to feel like a regular person for once. You were so kind and sincere to me, Kurt,” he continues. “I liked it. Everyone else is so careful with me. No one tries to make me feel normal. They all think I’ll shatter at one simple touch.”
“Well,” Kurt says, gulping. “I don’t really know what to say. Are - are you dying, or?” His voice shakes a little, and Blaine is taken by surprise.
“No,” he says. “I’m not. It’s - it’s not a typical disease, Kurt,” he explains. “It’s not cancer, it’s not a tumor. There’s nothing wrong with my physically. It’s all mental.” He watches Kurt’s expression, watches as some of the confusion falls away, to be replaced by something Blaine can’t quite make out. It’s not resentment, though - that much he can tell - and he’s extremely grateful.
“You see that sign over there?” Blaine asks, pointing to the large, blue headboard that hangs right before a wide hallway. “You see where it says ‘Mood Disorders Center’?”
Kurt nods.
“That’s me,” Blaine says. “I’m staying there for six weeks.”
“Why?” Kurt asks, and Blaine’s almost alarmed that he’s still here, still willing to talk about this. He’s not looking at Blaine like he’s some kind of freak show. Blaine’s a real person, and Kurt still gets that. Blaine appreciates it more than Kurt will ever imagine.
“Well,” Blaine says heavily. “I - I tried to kill myself,” he says quietly, nearly choking on the words. “More than once. My nurse, she - she thinks I have pretty severe depression.”
Kurt nods, biting his lip. He doesn’t say anything at first, and Blaine waits anxiously on the edge of seat, practically begging Kurt with his mind not to leave. Don’t change your opinion of me. Please. I’m still the same person you’ve been spending time with. Maybe a little better, actually.
“Well,” Kurt starts, shifting his weight. “I’m not going to pretend like I understand what you’re going through, because I don’t. But I’m not here to judge you, Blaine. I’ve felt hopeless so many times in my life. I’m just lucky I have a strong support system. Something tells me that whatever happened, whatever you went through, you didn’t have that.”
Blaine feels dizzy, and his heart feels like it might explode out of his chest. This is all he’s ever needed to hear from Kurt. All he’s ever needed to hear from anyone really. He needed to catch a break like this, needed to be treated like someone with real, complex feelings that can’t be fixed through one day of therapy and a small little pill.
“I didn’t,” Blaine confirms. “I had Cooper once every so often, but that was it. My dad doesn’t like me, my mom didn’t know how to deal with anything, and I pushed away all of my friends. I had nothing.”
“Well, I’m sorry,” Kurt says, and his expression is now sinking into one of complete sadness. “I’m so sorry, Blaine.”
“I’ll be okay, though,” Blaine says, blinking hard against the incoming rush of fresh tears. “That’s - that’s why I’m on the verge of losing it right now, actually.”
Kurt scoots a little closer. “I’m confused.”
Blaine looks up at the ceiling to try and stem his watering eyes. He swallows hard. “For so long, I haven’t wanted to get better. For so long, I didn’t believe I would.” He shakes his head, looking down at his lap. “But after today, I think I believe differently.” He closes his eyes, breathing deep for a few seconds. “Seeing Cooper, seeing my friends, meeting your family, I’ve - I’ve realized I - I want all of that. I want to have a good relationship with my brother. I want to be happy around my friends. I want to patch things up with my family. I - I don’t want to die. Not if I can end this pain some other way.”
Kurt wraps his arms around Blaine again, hugging him tight. Blaine hugs Kurt in return, gripping him fiercely.
“I’m glad you told me this, Blaine,” Kurt whispers after a second. “And just know, I’ll be here for you. If you need to talk like this again, if you need to get something out. Or, if you just want to tell me that you’re improving, that you’re happy, I’ll celebrate with you. We’re here to help each other cope, remember? And that’s what I intend to do, even if it’s a little different than what I thought at first.”
Blaine presses his lips together, blinking a few times to clear the tears. “Thank you, Kurt. Thank you so much.”
“Of course,” Kurt says with a firm nod.
Blaine swallows hard, nodding back awkwardly. He takes a deep breath, calming himself. “Well, I - “ he starts, standing up. “I suppose I should be getting back. I’m way past my curfew.”
“R - right,” Kurt says, joining him. “I - I kind of just ran out after you, so I’m sure my family’s a little freaked out.” He pauses. “I’ll see you tomorrow, right?”
Blaine nods, chewing on his lip.
“Okay, good,” Kurt says. He reaches up slightly. “I - do you have a cell phone? I’d - I’d like to talk to you outside of our little meetings.”
Blaine sighs, shaking his head. “I’m not allowed one.”
Kurt clicks his lips together in disappointment.
“I’m sorry,” Blaine says. “My freedom’s pretty limited. And I’m getting my ass kicked tonight for sure - out of my boundaries, late for curfew - “
“Right, right,” Kurt says, shaking his head. “I’m sorry, I should let you go.”
“It’s fine,” Blaine says with a small smirk. “I’ll weasel my way out. My nurse is a pushover, and I know she’ll back me up.”
“Okay, good. I don’t want you to get in too much trouble,” Kurt says, sighing with relief. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Blaine.” He turns to leave.
“Kurt?”
“Yes?” he asks, glancing over his shoulder.
“Thank you,” Blaine says quietly. “Honestly. I was so scared of telling you. I’m scared of telling everyone, actually. But you listened, and you didn’t judge me, and that - that means a lot.”
Kurt smiles. “Well, I didn’t expect you needed more judgment in your life. I figured you just needed a friend.”
.
.
Blaine forces a sheepish smile as he approaches the entrance of the Mood Disorders Center. Emma’s waiting for him, pacing between the chairs of the common room. As soon as she sees him, she does a double take. The relief in her expression quickly turns to anger, and she puts her hands on her hips.
“Blaine Anderson, where on earth have you been?” she hisses.
“Please - please don’t be mad at me,” he says, putting his hands up in surrender. “I was talking to someone.”
“Well, who could possibly be so important as to keep you from curfew?” Emma asks. “Your friends and family should know better.”
“He didn’t know I was staying here,” Blaine explains. “I literally just told him I was. We’ve been keeping our meetings to my free time.”
Emma’s eyebrows crease together, and she stares at him quizzically. “I think you and I should have a chat. Come on.”
He follows after her, biting his lip. They sit down at one of the empty tables, facing each other. Emma folds her hands together, looking at him carefully. “Care to tell me about this person you’ve met?”
Blaine sighs, leaning back in his chair. He looks down at the table, chewing on the inside of his cheek before he speaks. “His name is Kurt. He’s a year older than me and he lives in Lima. His dad had a heart attack and that’s why he spends a lot of time here.”
“And so during these meetings,” Emma says, “what do you guys do?”
“Talk, mostly,” Blaine says quietly. “He buys me coffee too, sometimes.”
“Do you like talking with him?”
Blaine nods. “It’s nice. We help each other cope. I mean, I haven’t really been honest with him, so I haven’t told him much about what I’m feeling, but I help him, and it takes my mind off things. It helps me forget for awhile.”
“Forget what?” Emma asks, resting her head in her hand.
“I don’t know,” Blaine says. “Just - that everything sucks.” He laughs humorlessly. “I guess . . . when I’m with him, I feel almost normal. I don’t feel worthless and hopeless. I feel like I’m actually worth something. I feel like I can get through this.” Blaine swallows hard, ignoring the burning sensation he can feel in his eyes. “And I - I told him that today. I told him the truth. I told him that I tried to kill myself and that’s why I’m staying here. But I also told him - Mrs. Pillsbury, I told him that I wanted to get better. And I do. I really do.”
Emma smiles slowly, reaching out and gripping his hand.
“I saw Cooper today. I saw my friends. Kurt introduced me to his family. I felt almost happy, Mrs. Pillsbury. I don’t - I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want to lose these relationships I’ve formed. I - I have something to live for now.”
Emma presses her lips together, eyebrows dipping as she watches Blaine come undone. His shoulders start shaking and he can’t stop it now. He starts crying hard, and god, he’s so tired, but at the same time, it feels so good. Emma pushes herself up and walks around the side of the table. She lowers herself into a squat and wraps her arms around Blaine. He falls into her, hugging her tightly.
“Blaine,” she murmurs softly. “Blaine, I’m so glad to hear that. And you know, the beginning of recovery is always the hardest part. It’s not going to be easy, Blaine. It’ really won’t. But I will be here. Your brother, your friends, and Kurt will be here. You’ll get through this, Blaine. I know you will.”
He sniffles, getting control of himself.
“But I - I don’t even know where to start,” he says quietly.
“And that’s why I’m here,” Emma says with a smile. “If you want, we can start private therapy sessions. And some time before you’re checked out - probably two or three weeks before you leave, we’ll start you on anti-depressants, but we’ll have to double-check with a psychiatrist first. How does that sound?”
Blaine takes a deep breath and sniffles again. “That sounds good.”
Emma nods, smiling wider. “Good.”
She leans in and hugs Blaine again. He welcomes her embrace, resting his head on her shoulder.
Finally, after everything, there’s some hope for the future.
.
.
Blaine doesn’t sleep well that night.
He tosses and turns in his small, stiff bed, wrestling with his blankets. They’re heavy and hot, and it feels like they’re suffocating him.
And when he does sleep, it’s full of uneasy and restless dreams.
He walks through the halls of the hospital, but they seem taller somehow, and the lights are dimmed. His breath comes fast in his chest, and his heart rages against his ribs. He keeps walking carefully down the hall until he reaches a door to his right. There’s a plaque on the wall next to it, reading PRIVATE THERAPY, and with a deep breath, Blaine pushes the door open.
Like the halls, the room is dark. Only a small lamp on the therapist’s desk is glowing, illuminating the room in an eerie light.
“H - hello?” Blaine asks, squinting through the darkness.
“Sit down, Blaine,” the voice replies quietly.
He reaches out blindly for a chair, and once he finds it, sits down fast.
“Do you know why you’re here?”
Blaine’s eyebrows crease together nervously. “For therapy?”
A spine-tingling laugh comes from the silhouette sitting at the desk.
“No.”
“Wha - “
“You’re here because you’re nuts,” the voice replies.
Blaine stiffens, surprised.
“You’re crazy, Blaine. Dangerous. Insane. Psychotic. You’re an absolute disgrace, and I know you might think that you’ll improve, but I’m here to assure you, Blaine, that you won’t. You won’t.”
Blaine swallows hard, blinking fast.
“You’re going to be locked up here the rest of your life, trying desperately to get back out. But that nurse of yours will just pull you back, patting your head and telling you she’ll take you outside later once you’ve choked down that animal feed you guys are forced to eat. Each day, you’re just going to slowly descend deeper and deeper into that madness eating your mind.”
“I’m not crazy,” Blaine blurts out at last. “I’m not.”
“Really?” the voice asks. “Because what person in their right mind would try to kill themselves? Just think about that, Blaine.”
Blaine shakes his head, grinding his teeth together. “You don’t know anything.”
“Oh, but I do.”
The silhouette reaches an arm out, grabbing the lamp. The light shines in the person’s face, and Blaine finally gets a good glance at who it is.
Immediately, he’s stumbling up from his seat, backing up across the room.
“Andrew,” he breathes, eyes wide.
Andrew chuckles, watching in pleasure as Blaine backs up into the closed door.
“Gotchya now, Blaine.”
Blaine sits bolt upright, breathing heavily. He’s covered in cold sweat, and his entire body is shaking. It takes him a few minutes to calm down enough to lie back down, and when he does, Andrew’s cruel laughter is ringing in his head.
.
chapter 5b