I wonder...
I wonder if you read this.
I would if I were you. In fact I check your blog quite often hoping to peek inside your head, even if only for a minute.
Is it better if you know how I feel and what I'm thinking? I've given up on telling you to your face for now. I'll keep it to myself because I know you want to think for yourself and make your own decision about us. And I want you to too. And I want you to wonder too. You've always known what I'm thinking and feeling because I've always told you... but now... you'll have to figure it out. Maybe a bit of mystery is what you need. Lure. Intrigue. I want you to wonder who I'm with all the time. Wonder if I'm falling for anyone else. Wonder maybe, if you keep on this path, if soon you will lose sight of me...
Will your arms length fall short of grasping me? I'm trying to get away, but not too far. Far enough for you to have to reach out but close enough that if I want to reach back, you could grab my hand. I can't stay too close. Close is easy... and you hate easy.
You hate easy because you are a beast of burden. The burden of intelligence. A dreamer and a realist battle daily in your head and it makes you tired. I know. Because I too feel that burden. "Overthinking, overanalyzing... separates the body from the mind" It's like Adam and Eve all over again. Is it better to live blissfully ignorant or with knowledge that overwhelmes you almost to the point of torture at times? I choose the latter. Ignorance may be bliss, but knowledge creates passion and drive which far surpasses bliss even with knowledge's setbacks of pain and awareness. Bliss, in this case, is just being numb. Not happy or unhappy, just existing. We've both been blessed with experiences some people never have in their whole lives. Seeing how simple and beautiful life can be away from this stupid country. How it doesn't have to be the way it is here and, God, how amazing it would be if everyone could see that. Now that we have this knowledge, we are stuck with it, for better or worse. We want to get away. We want it so bad it hurts and tugs at us every day. But what can we do? Not much for now... but knowing is half the battle. At least we have that. And at least we have eachother... to remind us we are not alone in this knowing. It wasn't a dream. And we both feel the weight. We have eachother. But do we?
Again, in comes the knowledge. I was given you. By a series of, as I recall them, not so likely events... you came into my life. I can trace the dominoes back soooo far. All the way up to where the last one fell at your feet. Or the doorway of your room. Where you sat at your desk and played your guitar with your headphones on. You looked up, only after you felt me stare I'm sure. And smiled. Then came the day when we were finally alone and spent every hour of that week together. And every moment was perfect in the quirky way that is me and you. I had solved the equation. All the variables were right. Both sides were balanced. Everything was prefectly mixed to create that feeling that you cannot recreate no matter how hard you try. Then, you were taken away from me. I was stripped of the right to feel that way yet it was too late. I already knew it. And now, I am burdened by it. Knowing I cannot fabricate it. Knowing where to find it but not being able to have it. There's the torture.
I'm sure I could find it again. I will try... if I have to. But I will always know that I was looking and it didn't find me like it did with you. I don't even know what it is about you. I feel like when asked why you love someone it is better to have no answer. Answers are justifications and this feeling needs none. It's beyond reason. Of course I adore your knowledge and the way you write. How you love the strange things about me most of all. It shows you pay attention. The way you see life, even though most of the time it's not in my favor. It's still beautiful though... Your frustration fascinates me while your insistance on making your way through this life alone frustrates me.
So you're a little weird and not at all condusive to love. It seems I like a challenge as well...
All I know is, everytime we find ourselves in that stare, I have to pray my head will get the message to my mouth fast enough to keep the words in... "Don't say it! You can't say it"!
I just hope you know me well enough to realise I still feel it.
I would if I were you. In fact I check your blog quite often hoping to peek inside your head, even if only for a minute.
Is it better if you know how I feel and what I'm thinking? I've given up on telling you to your face for now. I'll keep it to myself because I know you want to think for yourself and make your own decision about us. And I want you to too. And I want you to wonder too. You've always known what I'm thinking and feeling because I've always told you... but now... you'll have to figure it out. Maybe a bit of mystery is what you need. Lure. Intrigue. I want you to wonder who I'm with all the time. Wonder if I'm falling for anyone else. Wonder maybe, if you keep on this path, if soon you will lose sight of me...
Will your arms length fall short of grasping me? I'm trying to get away, but not too far. Far enough for you to have to reach out but close enough that if I want to reach back, you could grab my hand. I can't stay too close. Close is easy... and you hate easy.
You hate easy because you are a beast of burden. The burden of intelligence. A dreamer and a realist battle daily in your head and it makes you tired. I know. Because I too feel that burden. "Overthinking, overanalyzing... separates the body from the mind" It's like Adam and Eve all over again. Is it better to live blissfully ignorant or with knowledge that overwhelmes you almost to the point of torture at times? I choose the latter. Ignorance may be bliss, but knowledge creates passion and drive which far surpasses bliss even with knowledge's setbacks of pain and awareness. Bliss, in this case, is just being numb. Not happy or unhappy, just existing. We've both been blessed with experiences some people never have in their whole lives. Seeing how simple and beautiful life can be away from this stupid country. How it doesn't have to be the way it is here and, God, how amazing it would be if everyone could see that. Now that we have this knowledge, we are stuck with it, for better or worse. We want to get away. We want it so bad it hurts and tugs at us every day. But what can we do? Not much for now... but knowing is half the battle. At least we have that. And at least we have eachother... to remind us we are not alone in this knowing. It wasn't a dream. And we both feel the weight. We have eachother. But do we?
Again, in comes the knowledge. I was given you. By a series of, as I recall them, not so likely events... you came into my life. I can trace the dominoes back soooo far. All the way up to where the last one fell at your feet. Or the doorway of your room. Where you sat at your desk and played your guitar with your headphones on. You looked up, only after you felt me stare I'm sure. And smiled. Then came the day when we were finally alone and spent every hour of that week together. And every moment was perfect in the quirky way that is me and you. I had solved the equation. All the variables were right. Both sides were balanced. Everything was prefectly mixed to create that feeling that you cannot recreate no matter how hard you try. Then, you were taken away from me. I was stripped of the right to feel that way yet it was too late. I already knew it. And now, I am burdened by it. Knowing I cannot fabricate it. Knowing where to find it but not being able to have it. There's the torture.
I'm sure I could find it again. I will try... if I have to. But I will always know that I was looking and it didn't find me like it did with you. I don't even know what it is about you. I feel like when asked why you love someone it is better to have no answer. Answers are justifications and this feeling needs none. It's beyond reason. Of course I adore your knowledge and the way you write. How you love the strange things about me most of all. It shows you pay attention. The way you see life, even though most of the time it's not in my favor. It's still beautiful though... Your frustration fascinates me while your insistance on making your way through this life alone frustrates me.
So you're a little weird and not at all condusive to love. It seems I like a challenge as well...
All I know is, everytime we find ourselves in that stare, I have to pray my head will get the message to my mouth fast enough to keep the words in... "Don't say it! You can't say it"!
I just hope you know me well enough to realise I still feel it.