I wish this feeling would go away, but maybe it's trying to tell me something...
So it's been two full weeks now. I can safely say it's getting a little bit easier to not call you on account of the fact that i'm focusing my energy on the potential of other people. Unfortunately, at the end of the day, I still feel the same. I want to be with you. Even after going out with the guy that was totally out of my league in high school and I still crush on, I feel like it's wasted energy because I can play out the whole relationship in my head before it even starts. I know it won't be the same.
I've thought about how this could be beneficial for me. You know maybe it's not the right time for me to find my soulmate anyway. I haven't found my career yet. Maybe I should find out where I'm going to live and then I'll find him. Problem is, things are never that simple. If they are, they're boring. I could do that. I'm sure it wouldnt be hard. I'm lovable and I can fall pretty easily. I'm sure I'd be happy again eventually. But it just doesn't seem right. You feel different than anyone before you and I feel like the same goes for anyone after you. You just feel right. Like home. Like I've written before... even after getting back to my house after travelling, I never feel like I'm home til you hug me. Because that's where I belong.
With you, I could completely be myself. The truest form of myself that I can ever remember being. Remember how just recently you said that you think sometimes I'm not even that much of myself around Laura? It's true. I can't even describe how good and natural it feels to be with you. That's why this is so hard for me. It's like trying to fight something I know is right. It's torturous. I keep trying to recreate that feeling in my mind but it gets harder and harder to remember it each day we are apart. It scares me... because I know the more time you stay away "thinking" the less you'll remember about me. The easier it will be to just let me go. It will be like the feelings you feel when you are near me never existed. You can just pretend. It won't be hard for you. Just let it all float away. Outa sight outa mind. I wish I felt that way. I wish this nagging feeling would go away but what if it's a sign. Some say pain is weakness leaving the body but I don't believe that's always true. Pain is mostly the way your brain tells you when something is terribly wrong. "Your hand is on a hot stove!" or "You need to see a doctor, something isn't right." This pain I feel won't go away. Even if I try to cover it up by doing something else it will just fester. Only putting it back together and letting it heal will fix this pain.
I can't believe I'm even still considering fixing things with you if you decided you wanted to. I haven't heard from you in over a week. The last time we spoke it was because I showed up at YOUR door at 2 in the morning. I still have to fight myself to not text you and tell you I miss you. I have to be strong. If you don't want to be with me then I shouldnt want to be with you. Right? Right. But I can't help the incredible urge to reach out to you and try to pull you in again. I just want you here. I want to feel you next to me again. I want you to just find me and hold me and tell me you want to stay and you don't know what you were thinking. You would tell me how much you've missed having me in your arms or having my arms around you. How hard it's been to sleep. How much you miss my strange voices and the fun little things we used to do. How much you miss just hanging out with me. How much you want me to be there next time you come out of the water on a rainy day while I've been sitting there in the cold and loving every minute of watching you. How you want to just jump in the car and drive off to our little cabin in the Berkshires and snuggle up by the fire. How you miss my little head resting on your chest and my happy face staring up at you waiting for a kiss. I wish I didn't think of all these things. I wish I could just forget everything we've been through. But I can't. And I won't.
You and me... you don't see that everyday. "I thought you guys were so in love?" Yeah me too... I had to hide my favorite picture of us because I couldnt stand to see how happy I used to make you. I would do anything to see that smile again. I miss every inch of you. And I can't take it anymore. I'm reaching for nothing here. I don't understand my stupidity. At this point I should move on out of anger because you obviously haven't missed me enough to call yet or come see me. But the heartache overshadows the anger by far. Most days. Maybe soon I'll force it to step down and let the anger take over. But right now all I can think about is lying next to you and how perfectly we fit together depsite our whole 12 inch difference in height. We fit together. We do. Despite all the difficulties you put forth in a relationship, we fit together.
You say there are bigger things than feelings but I disagree. That's what makes us human. When everything else is gone, it's the feelings that matter. Would you not ride a wave because someone told you it was a bigger risk than it was worth? Because it was something different and scary? No. Because you know it's not about the logic, it's about the feeling. It's about the connection. It's about the raw "just fuck it all and do it" that makes life worth living. You either make the drop or just sit there in the same place, thinking, and watch everybody else pass you by.