(no subject)
If I can just get it in my head that I need me to get better maybe I could stop falling apart long enough to make an actual effort, Ian and I are talking about getting a place together and I really think that that could be the answer that not being here could solve all my problems, well not all my problems but it could be a foundation that I could work on, that I could get better for me - and I'll probably eventually go back to high school to apply to college but in all honesty I just don't know that I can face those people again, I mean the train wreck roller coaster ride I have taken this year doesn't just effect me, and even though I have some of the greatest people stand behind me holding me up, maybe I was just too much this year for them, I know I was too much for me, but its really hard to hold yourself up and try to keep on keeping on, and I just don't know how I can keep on when I don't know where I am going, and I feel completely empty sometimes, like I have no fuel left and that’s when I need help, and what if I just can't get the momentum going? what if I never stop feeling like this, well I mean the truth is I can't feel like this forever because its too much, and maybe I have already been fighting too long, and maybe I'll never win, but I don't want to lose, I mean I don't want to die and my counsellor wants me to find somewhere in me a time or a feeling or something that reminds me of a time when I was happy and wanted to go on with everyday and name that part of me and bring it out on my shoulder and then if I feel really low to think about that - and maybe I've decided that I will call it "I want to live" because I really do and I don't want to bring people down with me, but I have this tendency to suffocate people because I feel suffocated, and if any this makes any sense to you then know this I WANT TO BE HAPPY again, and I know that if I believe (even if I am alone) that I DESERVE to be happy then maybe somehow I can get there, and I can stop bleeding everyday and instead laugh without the suffocating clouds of unhappiness behind all my giggles - and I love that you can make me laugh when I am at my worst - but what know? what happens (and you need to seriously answer this) what happens to our friendship now?