finally a ray of hope
Just wanted to write this down before I get sad and forget -
well I didn't cancel my counselling appt. (thankfully) and I felt I have an AMAZING conversation with her and I feel at this moment (as I cry for probably the first time in a LONG time) out of happiness - I feel hopeful I feel like I can do this, I know I'm not over the worse but my god I am sooo happy right now. I am sure you are very glad to hear this. Heather has said that my mother is abusive, that she not only has (and does) SEVERLY abused me to the point of worthlessness but she acts like an abuser with the way she told me my aunt thinks I'm fat and what not so to destroy any relationship possible with my aunt, and to isolate me and make sure that I feel about this big |-----| at all family functions, and the way she refers to Cotten as that little bitch because she assumed that I was telling people our “family secrets” and she wants me never to tell anyone because she knows she’s wrong. She also wants me to have no supports because that’s another way she can isolate me and out all her anger on me. Heather made me say “my mother is the sick one” and I am supposed to say it anytime she does anything that hurts me but like this (in my head) “My mother is the sick one and I am the one who will be better and I can be happy” and I guess I’ve always known that it would be considered abuse I always hid it when I was younger because of fear of being removed from my house. And I used to talk to this guy Brian from the kids help phone back when you were allowed to ask for specific counsellors, and he used to ALWAYS say to me “Megan, I don’t understand how you turned out to be such an amazing person when your parents are such monsters” and he always told me that I should call child and social services and get out (and that was back when I was fourteen) and I always got upset when people would say my parents are abusive and Heather says that’s normal to be afraid that you are over exaggerating because there are good times, but she said I need to know that if my parents ever do anything I feel afraid or embarrassed about telling anyone then its wrong, and even though I don’t think highly of myself I need to know that she thinks this, and she said she knows Cotten must think it too, I deserve more than this, and I do really believe that, I don’t want to feel anymore like why not me, and why I am I so hard to love. I want to be able to look at it like this “well, if Miss. Cotten is willing to fight for me and fight with me, and Adrienne is willing to love my unconditionally and always be there no matter what, and Ian thought of me the whole time he was away and missed me terribly and called me first chance he got, then it doesn’t matter that my mother never hugged me or told me that she loved me, it doesn’t matter what terrible thing she can think up to say to me - I don’t care anymore” and that’s starting now, I’m going to try so hard not to care anymore. Now realise you are probably smiling right now thinking finally a break for her (that’s what I am thinking) well heres when I’m going to drop a bomb on you - even better news she’s going to get me on student welfare and get me out of my house, I don’t have to stay on welfare long, I can go off when I am making enough money to support myself, or I can stay on it while I save for school, whatever I want, I am not by any means fixed yet, but I feel so much different than I even felt earlier today. I have decided about the art thing that I will work as hard as I can to get as much done as I can, if I get it all done and pass AWESOME, if I don’t when I come back to Bluevale next year it could a lot easier for me to achieve the marks I can get because I won’t ever have to go home. Heather and I also talked about. Now that this letter has taken you half your day to read - I will tell you all the rest later
And I WILL have a good weekend
Megan
well I didn't cancel my counselling appt. (thankfully) and I felt I have an AMAZING conversation with her and I feel at this moment (as I cry for probably the first time in a LONG time) out of happiness - I feel hopeful I feel like I can do this, I know I'm not over the worse but my god I am sooo happy right now. I am sure you are very glad to hear this. Heather has said that my mother is abusive, that she not only has (and does) SEVERLY abused me to the point of worthlessness but she acts like an abuser with the way she told me my aunt thinks I'm fat and what not so to destroy any relationship possible with my aunt, and to isolate me and make sure that I feel about this big |-----| at all family functions, and the way she refers to Cotten as that little bitch because she assumed that I was telling people our “family secrets” and she wants me never to tell anyone because she knows she’s wrong. She also wants me to have no supports because that’s another way she can isolate me and out all her anger on me. Heather made me say “my mother is the sick one” and I am supposed to say it anytime she does anything that hurts me but like this (in my head) “My mother is the sick one and I am the one who will be better and I can be happy” and I guess I’ve always known that it would be considered abuse I always hid it when I was younger because of fear of being removed from my house. And I used to talk to this guy Brian from the kids help phone back when you were allowed to ask for specific counsellors, and he used to ALWAYS say to me “Megan, I don’t understand how you turned out to be such an amazing person when your parents are such monsters” and he always told me that I should call child and social services and get out (and that was back when I was fourteen) and I always got upset when people would say my parents are abusive and Heather says that’s normal to be afraid that you are over exaggerating because there are good times, but she said I need to know that if my parents ever do anything I feel afraid or embarrassed about telling anyone then its wrong, and even though I don’t think highly of myself I need to know that she thinks this, and she said she knows Cotten must think it too, I deserve more than this, and I do really believe that, I don’t want to feel anymore like why not me, and why I am I so hard to love. I want to be able to look at it like this “well, if Miss. Cotten is willing to fight for me and fight with me, and Adrienne is willing to love my unconditionally and always be there no matter what, and Ian thought of me the whole time he was away and missed me terribly and called me first chance he got, then it doesn’t matter that my mother never hugged me or told me that she loved me, it doesn’t matter what terrible thing she can think up to say to me - I don’t care anymore” and that’s starting now, I’m going to try so hard not to care anymore. Now realise you are probably smiling right now thinking finally a break for her (that’s what I am thinking) well heres when I’m going to drop a bomb on you - even better news she’s going to get me on student welfare and get me out of my house, I don’t have to stay on welfare long, I can go off when I am making enough money to support myself, or I can stay on it while I save for school, whatever I want, I am not by any means fixed yet, but I feel so much different than I even felt earlier today. I have decided about the art thing that I will work as hard as I can to get as much done as I can, if I get it all done and pass AWESOME, if I don’t when I come back to Bluevale next year it could a lot easier for me to achieve the marks I can get because I won’t ever have to go home. Heather and I also talked about. Now that this letter has taken you half your day to read - I will tell you all the rest later
And I WILL have a good weekend
Megan