Theres a Monkey
Seems that things have gone back to the same old shit. All I heard all night at the wedding shower was “she could have been this” she could have been that” but what about who I am? SO what I am fat - that’s me, SO what I am artistic and not athletic - that’s me. She needs to learned to take me as I am or just fuck off and die. She never mentioned that I am graduating, nothing about my art, or dance - all negative. She got all caught up in what I am not and probably will never be - and most importantly NEVER want to be. It really upset me a lot, I just can’t understand how like on minutes she is like the best mom ever and everything I asked for and then she just turns back into that bitch, it feels like a good slap in the face. Like her comments about my co-op board - doesn’t she see how incredibly stressed I am. Yesterday I wasn’t really feeling my co-op project, so my grandma took me to Zellers to pick up some crafty things for it and I saw this book like a journal or something and on the front it said “STARRING ME!” and it had these amazing colour schemes and I loved it and that has become my theme for the project and I wish I had the money to get that journal because it absolutely beautiful. SO I come home and start spray painting and all that shit and then it turns out like sooo ugly - I feel like I worked sooo hard and waited so much time for it not to turn out. So the lack of excitement about the project has resurfaced. I tried to kind of start over today and get rid of my bad mood and I just couldn’t I feel like its following me. All I keep thinking is I am getting closer and closer to the project date and I am falling further and further behind in my sleep and I am just not gonna make it on time. And I just want to scream.
Okay - and now the topic I didn’t want to get to but have to;
(Insert name here) - well first of all - why the heck do I always put myself into the worst relationship positions. I don’t need the stress, or do I have the time it will take to go threw that again. Plus she ended it last time when she went away to (insert place here), so what happens when she goes back to ... again? Or say that we did get together and she doesn’t end it she’ll be in ... enjoying her ... and I’ll be here doing nothing missing her and getting fatter. Plus when I dated her before there was the whole stress thing of oh my god what if someone I don’t want to find out finds out, and how do I tell people and yadda yadda yadda and I ‘m not sure I can do that again, and I don’t even think I really feel that way for her anymore, and mean she went away to ... left me here and whored it out there, I don’t really respect that, I mean sure maybe that’s how she wanted to handle it but it Isn’t appealing to me. Maybe because I know a little to much about that. So I guess I don know if I feel she is really worth the hassle anymore. I do know that when I was with John I always felt suffocated because I felt I had been getting somewhere figuring what I am and what I like and who I am and that I did really like him at first but more and more I began to realise that I was stuck with him. Hmmm make sense? Also when my mom started to get suspicious she made the priest of my god damned church come over and talk to me, saying that I was just settling for Julia because I didn’t think I was good enough for any guy. Well that may be there opinion but I have memories of being attracted to …uhmmm…well… not boys since like grade 6 - yes that’s like back when I was 11 or 12 -come on its not a settling, its something inside me. I do like boys but I don’t know - I’m not sure I understand, and I should probably go back to glow I have been so busy lately but ARGHH - its something I have never talked to my counsellors about no one except like Ian and glow people, and I think a told Doyle and well you - that’s it -wait nope I mentioned it in a poem back in writers craft so maybe Banks knows - hmmmm
Well I should get back to my freaking project - I might just skip media tomorrow (it’s a work period) and head right in to see you and work in the LAC on my stuff - I can’t really stay much after art because I have counselling - but maybe I’ll see if I can get Grandma to pick me up at like 2 at the school and take me straight to counselling so I can work for a while on my project
Later Megs
p.s. I have been blessed with some really great people in my life and I know it, and its not all bad but hopefully one day it will be more good than bad
Okay - and now the topic I didn’t want to get to but have to;
(Insert name here) - well first of all - why the heck do I always put myself into the worst relationship positions. I don’t need the stress, or do I have the time it will take to go threw that again. Plus she ended it last time when she went away to (insert place here), so what happens when she goes back to ... again? Or say that we did get together and she doesn’t end it she’ll be in ... enjoying her ... and I’ll be here doing nothing missing her and getting fatter. Plus when I dated her before there was the whole stress thing of oh my god what if someone I don’t want to find out finds out, and how do I tell people and yadda yadda yadda and I ‘m not sure I can do that again, and I don’t even think I really feel that way for her anymore, and mean she went away to ... left me here and whored it out there, I don’t really respect that, I mean sure maybe that’s how she wanted to handle it but it Isn’t appealing to me. Maybe because I know a little to much about that. So I guess I don know if I feel she is really worth the hassle anymore. I do know that when I was with John I always felt suffocated because I felt I had been getting somewhere figuring what I am and what I like and who I am and that I did really like him at first but more and more I began to realise that I was stuck with him. Hmmm make sense? Also when my mom started to get suspicious she made the priest of my god damned church come over and talk to me, saying that I was just settling for Julia because I didn’t think I was good enough for any guy. Well that may be there opinion but I have memories of being attracted to …uhmmm…well… not boys since like grade 6 - yes that’s like back when I was 11 or 12 -come on its not a settling, its something inside me. I do like boys but I don’t know - I’m not sure I understand, and I should probably go back to glow I have been so busy lately but ARGHH - its something I have never talked to my counsellors about no one except like Ian and glow people, and I think a told Doyle and well you - that’s it -wait nope I mentioned it in a poem back in writers craft so maybe Banks knows - hmmmm
Well I should get back to my freaking project - I might just skip media tomorrow (it’s a work period) and head right in to see you and work in the LAC on my stuff - I can’t really stay much after art because I have counselling - but maybe I’ll see if I can get Grandma to pick me up at like 2 at the school and take me straight to counselling so I can work for a while on my project
Later Megs
p.s. I have been blessed with some really great people in my life and I know it, and its not all bad but hopefully one day it will be more good than bad