(no subject)
Promotion official. New title all on my email signature. Pay increase kicked in.
I have an awful time giving myself any kind of credit, but I'm trying to celebrate this. It's a position I made and got to design. And it became valuable and necessary. And it's mine.
I still get to work nights and the track is I'll pretty much work whatever I want, anyway, as long as I hit the hours (this can take it's time, bc I'd probably have to go salary, and I don't want to).
I did this well, I think. And it's something I want to do (repetitive paperwork where I never have to talk to anyone).
I present stuff in several meetings across the locations next week. I'm a bit nervous because I'm still the younger end and being authoritative feels odd.
I went home last month. Took Glitch with me. It was as wonderful as usual. And so amazing having Glitch to share it with. He's my favorite brohana. I got lucky as hell with that one.
I have a weekend with Koa next month. He's taking me to an aquarium. Excited for the "OMG LOOK AT IT GO ARE YOU KIDDING ME??*sobs*" and downtown drinking (he's a good bro, all this "Know what Kanani needs? Water and tall buildings and lights" cuz it is 100% of the time). Also catching me up on Marvel movies (so, letting me public sleep on him- also 100% what I want to always do). He just gets me and knows how to take care of me (when I'm there , he's shit for distance but hey I'll take it-IMMA SEE SO MUCH FISH YALL).
I finally figured out my meds and they're great. It's been easier. I'm doing things again (running, laughing, sex, general getting out of bed stuff). I handle things well without over thinking first. I'm hilarious and fun again. I'm super pretty again. Etc.
I'm glad I finally did that. Twins were getting old enough to notice "Mommy is tired a lot". Kinda wish it hadn't taken Steven to force me into it (his mothers death was such an intense thing for both of us, i still feel raw and sore and aged from processing it with him- again, I'll never buy romantic relationships being more intimate than friendships, cuz I've never seen any married folk as close as we proved during all that). But progress is progress.
I've stopped speaking to my mother pretty entirely (holiday texts being it). I feel like I've officially reconciled so much from before I was 18 since this. It's been a long time coming, but it was hard accepting life then, who I was then, is absolutely not now.
It's been complicated, because its not something I can easily share, because it is either "But that's your MOM" or "Yeah, I get that, congrats on letting go". No inbetween.
She didn't come to Cheyenne's wedding, was the breaker. No excuse. None. And Chey and I just can't have the time for such negativity and hurt. It had to be "You chose not to be in our lives, and continue to, so... you're not in our lives".
Carrying her with me meant all that history, I'd stay 16 forever, because she hasn't changed. She still makes me anxious and lonely and ashamed.
That's not my life anymore. I'm calm and strong and sure and confident as hell. I'm the adultier adult. And I don't want to be anything but that.
Speaking of adulting- some the fuck how, I've become the "Has it together" friend in my common age friend group.
Everyone told Glitch i made them feel bad sometimes for having it figured out and supporting my family without help and having successful no-drama relationships.
On the plane home he said so, and i spent the two hours trying to figure out wtf they're talking about. My job is basic as hell. I have to Google very basic adult things that everyone knew by HS. my marriage was very power imbalanced and often emotionally abusive.
"Together" where???
But it's always like that. You're always looking around to see if you're with everyone else. And somehow 99% you aren't.
I make as much as most of my bachelor's degree friends, but i still feel awful for never getting accepted/able to access degree programs i want. I have my children full time but still can't be spending enough time with them. I support my family alone but not with enough things. My friendships are amazing, radical love, loyal and fun but I have no interest in romantic or sexual relationships (that FACT feels broken, though i am perfectly happy with my energy and focus on anything not those).
Etc etc etc etc etc etc etc.
Anyway. Trusty lj. There's where I ended up at 27. Happy and doing ok so far. Finally calmed the hell down. Finally loving myself. It took 12 years, but we got here.
I have an awful time giving myself any kind of credit, but I'm trying to celebrate this. It's a position I made and got to design. And it became valuable and necessary. And it's mine.
I still get to work nights and the track is I'll pretty much work whatever I want, anyway, as long as I hit the hours (this can take it's time, bc I'd probably have to go salary, and I don't want to).
I did this well, I think. And it's something I want to do (repetitive paperwork where I never have to talk to anyone).
I present stuff in several meetings across the locations next week. I'm a bit nervous because I'm still the younger end and being authoritative feels odd.
I went home last month. Took Glitch with me. It was as wonderful as usual. And so amazing having Glitch to share it with. He's my favorite brohana. I got lucky as hell with that one.
I have a weekend with Koa next month. He's taking me to an aquarium. Excited for the "OMG LOOK AT IT GO ARE YOU KIDDING ME??*sobs*" and downtown drinking (he's a good bro, all this "Know what Kanani needs? Water and tall buildings and lights" cuz it is 100% of the time). Also catching me up on Marvel movies (so, letting me public sleep on him- also 100% what I want to always do). He just gets me and knows how to take care of me (when I'm there , he's shit for distance but hey I'll take it-IMMA SEE SO MUCH FISH YALL).
I finally figured out my meds and they're great. It's been easier. I'm doing things again (running, laughing, sex, general getting out of bed stuff). I handle things well without over thinking first. I'm hilarious and fun again. I'm super pretty again. Etc.
I'm glad I finally did that. Twins were getting old enough to notice "Mommy is tired a lot". Kinda wish it hadn't taken Steven to force me into it (his mothers death was such an intense thing for both of us, i still feel raw and sore and aged from processing it with him- again, I'll never buy romantic relationships being more intimate than friendships, cuz I've never seen any married folk as close as we proved during all that). But progress is progress.
I've stopped speaking to my mother pretty entirely (holiday texts being it). I feel like I've officially reconciled so much from before I was 18 since this. It's been a long time coming, but it was hard accepting life then, who I was then, is absolutely not now.
It's been complicated, because its not something I can easily share, because it is either "But that's your MOM" or "Yeah, I get that, congrats on letting go". No inbetween.
She didn't come to Cheyenne's wedding, was the breaker. No excuse. None. And Chey and I just can't have the time for such negativity and hurt. It had to be "You chose not to be in our lives, and continue to, so... you're not in our lives".
Carrying her with me meant all that history, I'd stay 16 forever, because she hasn't changed. She still makes me anxious and lonely and ashamed.
That's not my life anymore. I'm calm and strong and sure and confident as hell. I'm the adultier adult. And I don't want to be anything but that.
Speaking of adulting- some the fuck how, I've become the "Has it together" friend in my common age friend group.
Everyone told Glitch i made them feel bad sometimes for having it figured out and supporting my family without help and having successful no-drama relationships.
On the plane home he said so, and i spent the two hours trying to figure out wtf they're talking about. My job is basic as hell. I have to Google very basic adult things that everyone knew by HS. my marriage was very power imbalanced and often emotionally abusive.
"Together" where???
But it's always like that. You're always looking around to see if you're with everyone else. And somehow 99% you aren't.
I make as much as most of my bachelor's degree friends, but i still feel awful for never getting accepted/able to access degree programs i want. I have my children full time but still can't be spending enough time with them. I support my family alone but not with enough things. My friendships are amazing, radical love, loyal and fun but I have no interest in romantic or sexual relationships (that FACT feels broken, though i am perfectly happy with my energy and focus on anything not those).
Etc etc etc etc etc etc etc.
Anyway. Trusty lj. There's where I ended up at 27. Happy and doing ok so far. Finally calmed the hell down. Finally loving myself. It took 12 years, but we got here.