(no subject)
I GOT THE JOB.
I'm waiting on my offer letter hopefully by the end of the day for more details (I may of begged the crap out of the nurse manager to just let me know if I got it because my nerves were shot as hell so no one say anything ha.I completely bombed the hell out of the interview and was so disappointed in myself- my anxiety went up to a 9 and my head got messy as hell about it. To the point I can't sleep without a heavy muscle relaxer, hot bath, melatonin and working out til I exhaust myself- even knowing I got the job last night I still couldn't just relax. Dunno what it is about going to sleep, but I guess it's a better time than any to suddenly have anxiety attacks that I can barely physically move through).
I need to play this right. So often I waste good opportunities and step ups to continue to stay where I'm already at. I think a lot of my depression and over compensation with things that don't have any progress or work shown is because I haven't been making any progress (everyone wants to say I've made plenty of progress, but either they're just nice or my over achieving obsession is in higher gear).
I'm nervous as hell because I'm not even kind of qualified for this new job. I don't have the experience, I've still been putting my GED off, etc. It's going to be a whole other level than my current company (and the system is COMPLETELY different).
I'm nervous how I'll deal with working six nights a week. I'm worried I'll be burned out every Sunday, that I won't find proper balance between work, fitness, setting up school (already got the courses set out, which is a whole other boulder I've tied to my feet to drag me further under the waves because JESUS CHRIST KANANI SHOOT LOWER), social life, and most importantly- the kids. Though I'm fine being a workaholic (fitness is an hour a day, I can make sure the little things don't go on the back burner with the kids and commit to "Sunday Funday", I'll still have time to be involved with step kid's school, and this is Texas what social life am I really protecting, my marriage is already dead). It suits me.
Also, in the great words of Ron Swanson "Don't half ass two things- whole ass one thing. I have entirely too much pride in being a team player, being available, going the extra mile, covering everyone's ass and having both jobs will severely damage my ability to do so like I do now. Just last week I covered two days for someone out sick at last minute (half hour before shift call in ya'll yaaay) because god forbid we have any PRNs, which resulted in my Saturday being given to a new girl who only had 10 hours of training so I stopped by (twice) to check on her (also to see Captain America, his birthday is today but I brought him a cake that I sadly attempted to decorate for him- picture at the end!). With the other job I won't be able to pick up the slack like that, I won't even really be able to mid shift like I've wanted to or spend any other time aside from Sunday to do audits (audits and squats are currently the bane of my existence, I've hated nothing more). I hate already starting out at the new place without giving 110%, though if I like it there (and Cap comes with me like he said he will if I get full time and we can have the same shift- Im telling you, this job is such team work and he and I are hella tight- we are all the nurses and doctor's favorite team for a reason. Chemistry is on point, we take care of each other really well) it will become my top priority (A. My loyalty is with Sara B. Pay is higher C. It's more challenging and deal with a ton more things D. Already a fuck ton more professional and invested E. Gonna like having higher ups that know what's up and give a fuck F. "Job isn't about money, it's about fringe benefits- that's where the power is"- Everythings Eventual or whatever, the perks at the new company are rad as hell).
Again, to play it right. Nothing is for sure and we're all one "FUCK!" away from starting back at square one. That being responsible thing I've never gotten very good at is kind of key, and the weight on my chest about it is suffocating. I need an adultier adult.
It's January, so here are some personal goals that probably sound pathetic as shit but are still the progress I need to feel even kind of accomplished
-Just get the damn GED over with jesus. Enroll for bs prereqs I need to finish up.
-Put enough money back I won't be buried in student loans when I start the course stuff next year.
-Just buy the damn house, even if I don't want to be stuck in this stupid town, it's something I need to invest in.
-Hit the fitness/body goals because this fatty bullshit has gone on long enough.
-No more sneaking cigarettes. Just quit already.
-Go home, go to Seattle, take the damn kids to Disneysomewhere this year, book Vail with the some buddies on their annual trip.
-Hit the $20/hr bracket. I don't even really care about money (I know I "need" money, I understand the value of money, but ehhhhhhhhhhh passed sustaining the kids and myself I mean... meeeeeeeeh) but I'm only like a dollar away from hitting that and it's a thing that shows progress. I guess. Idk.
Anyway. Enough rambling. I'm gonna be ok. I can do this. I've already improved my kids' life by 300% compared to mine, I beat a lot of statistics so far for what I should of become coming from where I did (and fulfilled some, too, but lesser evils and all that), I'm smart enough to bullshit my way through when I'm not smart enough to actually pull it off.
This will be fine. I'm fine. Everything is fine.
^^I didn't completely eff that up yay. Brought Avenger plates and cups too. And a child's Captain America birthday card. He's a good sport, since it's not based off his interest but just that I nicknamed him it.
I'm waiting on my offer letter hopefully by the end of the day for more details (I may of begged the crap out of the nurse manager to just let me know if I got it because my nerves were shot as hell so no one say anything ha.I completely bombed the hell out of the interview and was so disappointed in myself- my anxiety went up to a 9 and my head got messy as hell about it. To the point I can't sleep without a heavy muscle relaxer, hot bath, melatonin and working out til I exhaust myself- even knowing I got the job last night I still couldn't just relax. Dunno what it is about going to sleep, but I guess it's a better time than any to suddenly have anxiety attacks that I can barely physically move through).
I need to play this right. So often I waste good opportunities and step ups to continue to stay where I'm already at. I think a lot of my depression and over compensation with things that don't have any progress or work shown is because I haven't been making any progress (everyone wants to say I've made plenty of progress, but either they're just nice or my over achieving obsession is in higher gear).
I'm nervous as hell because I'm not even kind of qualified for this new job. I don't have the experience, I've still been putting my GED off, etc. It's going to be a whole other level than my current company (and the system is COMPLETELY different).
I'm nervous how I'll deal with working six nights a week. I'm worried I'll be burned out every Sunday, that I won't find proper balance between work, fitness, setting up school (already got the courses set out, which is a whole other boulder I've tied to my feet to drag me further under the waves because JESUS CHRIST KANANI SHOOT LOWER), social life, and most importantly- the kids. Though I'm fine being a workaholic (fitness is an hour a day, I can make sure the little things don't go on the back burner with the kids and commit to "Sunday Funday", I'll still have time to be involved with step kid's school, and this is Texas what social life am I really protecting, my marriage is already dead). It suits me.
Also, in the great words of Ron Swanson "Don't half ass two things- whole ass one thing. I have entirely too much pride in being a team player, being available, going the extra mile, covering everyone's ass and having both jobs will severely damage my ability to do so like I do now. Just last week I covered two days for someone out sick at last minute (half hour before shift call in ya'll yaaay) because god forbid we have any PRNs, which resulted in my Saturday being given to a new girl who only had 10 hours of training so I stopped by (twice) to check on her (also to see Captain America, his birthday is today but I brought him a cake that I sadly attempted to decorate for him- picture at the end!). With the other job I won't be able to pick up the slack like that, I won't even really be able to mid shift like I've wanted to or spend any other time aside from Sunday to do audits (audits and squats are currently the bane of my existence, I've hated nothing more). I hate already starting out at the new place without giving 110%, though if I like it there (and Cap comes with me like he said he will if I get full time and we can have the same shift- Im telling you, this job is such team work and he and I are hella tight- we are all the nurses and doctor's favorite team for a reason. Chemistry is on point, we take care of each other really well) it will become my top priority (A. My loyalty is with Sara B. Pay is higher C. It's more challenging and deal with a ton more things D. Already a fuck ton more professional and invested E. Gonna like having higher ups that know what's up and give a fuck F. "Job isn't about money, it's about fringe benefits- that's where the power is"- Everythings Eventual or whatever, the perks at the new company are rad as hell).
Again, to play it right. Nothing is for sure and we're all one "FUCK!" away from starting back at square one. That being responsible thing I've never gotten very good at is kind of key, and the weight on my chest about it is suffocating. I need an adultier adult.
It's January, so here are some personal goals that probably sound pathetic as shit but are still the progress I need to feel even kind of accomplished
-Just get the damn GED over with jesus. Enroll for bs prereqs I need to finish up.
-Put enough money back I won't be buried in student loans when I start the course stuff next year.
-Just buy the damn house, even if I don't want to be stuck in this stupid town, it's something I need to invest in.
-Hit the fitness/body goals because this fatty bullshit has gone on long enough.
-No more sneaking cigarettes. Just quit already.
-Go home, go to Seattle, take the damn kids to Disneysomewhere this year, book Vail with the some buddies on their annual trip.
-Hit the $20/hr bracket. I don't even really care about money (I know I "need" money, I understand the value of money, but ehhhhhhhhhhh passed sustaining the kids and myself I mean... meeeeeeeeh) but I'm only like a dollar away from hitting that and it's a thing that shows progress. I guess. Idk.
Anyway. Enough rambling. I'm gonna be ok. I can do this. I've already improved my kids' life by 300% compared to mine, I beat a lot of statistics so far for what I should of become coming from where I did (and fulfilled some, too, but lesser evils and all that), I'm smart enough to bullshit my way through when I'm not smart enough to actually pull it off.
This will be fine. I'm fine. Everything is fine.
^^I didn't completely eff that up yay. Brought Avenger plates and cups too. And a child's Captain America birthday card. He's a good sport, since it's not based off his interest but just that I nicknamed him it.