A real journal entry.
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Main:
Many of my friends have many obvious symptoms of deteriorating mental capability as a result of prolonged and chronic drug use. It makes me concerned that perhaps I show similar signs but have lost the capacity to recognize them.
I've always had this thing where, in order to function properly, I need a girl that I idealize. Nothing ever comes of such idealization, but if I don't have one, then I find it difficult to take necessary measures to improve myself and my life. I've never understand why, exactly, it is that I need such an icon as, generally, I'm a rational and intelligent person. So, why can't I continue along the path of self-improvement on my own without the need for an idealized, and frankly always utterly inaccurate, representation of someone that I have no intention of being with anyway?
One of the many mysteries of myself that I don't really understand.
As time passes, I find myself becoming more and more concerned with surrounding myself with people I enjoy. My girlfriend? Occasionally. My roommates? Increasingly infrequently. My family? Maybe once every couple of months. My coworkers? Not most of them. I go to parties and people tell me that I'm "so funny" or "so smart" and that "we should be friends" and, in the interest of honesty, I have no choice but to tell them, subtly or not so subtly, that they've done nothing but irritate me since I met them. Could I lower my standards? Certainly, but that wouldn't really solve the problem so much as circumvent it, and then I would find myself surrounded by people that I don't particularly care for. In all fairness, though, I'm not generally a very likable person, myself; people tend to either love me or hate me right off that bat, and then switch sides as they get to know me better. I could, I'm sure, make the task easier on myself by being more agreeable, more passive, and less critical. I could, but I won't.
There are a few individuals of such caliber that I have found, but they have a tendency to slowly turn into the people they professed to hating or move away. In the case of the latter, I find it difficult to invest energy into cultivating any sort of real friendship if moving away is likely.
I write poetry but few people ever read it. I don't post it where I think it could receive worthwhile critique because I'm paranoid of plagiarism. I don't let most people I know read it because I'm tired of people not understanding it.
Quote:
"A throne is only a bench covered with velvet."
-Napolean Bonaparte
Main:
Many of my friends have many obvious symptoms of deteriorating mental capability as a result of prolonged and chronic drug use. It makes me concerned that perhaps I show similar signs but have lost the capacity to recognize them.
I've always had this thing where, in order to function properly, I need a girl that I idealize. Nothing ever comes of such idealization, but if I don't have one, then I find it difficult to take necessary measures to improve myself and my life. I've never understand why, exactly, it is that I need such an icon as, generally, I'm a rational and intelligent person. So, why can't I continue along the path of self-improvement on my own without the need for an idealized, and frankly always utterly inaccurate, representation of someone that I have no intention of being with anyway?
One of the many mysteries of myself that I don't really understand.
As time passes, I find myself becoming more and more concerned with surrounding myself with people I enjoy. My girlfriend? Occasionally. My roommates? Increasingly infrequently. My family? Maybe once every couple of months. My coworkers? Not most of them. I go to parties and people tell me that I'm "so funny" or "so smart" and that "we should be friends" and, in the interest of honesty, I have no choice but to tell them, subtly or not so subtly, that they've done nothing but irritate me since I met them. Could I lower my standards? Certainly, but that wouldn't really solve the problem so much as circumvent it, and then I would find myself surrounded by people that I don't particularly care for. In all fairness, though, I'm not generally a very likable person, myself; people tend to either love me or hate me right off that bat, and then switch sides as they get to know me better. I could, I'm sure, make the task easier on myself by being more agreeable, more passive, and less critical. I could, but I won't.
There are a few individuals of such caliber that I have found, but they have a tendency to slowly turn into the people they professed to hating or move away. In the case of the latter, I find it difficult to invest energy into cultivating any sort of real friendship if moving away is likely.
I write poetry but few people ever read it. I don't post it where I think it could receive worthwhile critique because I'm paranoid of plagiarism. I don't let most people I know read it because I'm tired of people not understanding it.
Quote:
"A throne is only a bench covered with velvet."
-Napolean Bonaparte