This is what defeat tastes like
What lessons do we learn in life? Or do we just continue making the same damn mistakes time and again? Do we move through life, thinking we are learning when really we are just fooling ourselves into believing we are?
I feel too damn much. I had done so good for a while, locking it all down, building my fortress, letting no one really in. And then it all collapses. You can't escape all the feeling. Not ever. I try. I tried. And when I first started feeling it was good, it was so good, because there was a good focus to those feelings. But then I just kept feeling and feeling and feeling. I don't know how it happened.... was it the acid I took a few months ago? Was it my past catching up with me and reopening wounds? Was it the almost sexual assault that I encountered? Was it this guy, who got himself behind my walls? I can't quite say what broke them down, all I know is they are gone, all of them, and all this raw emotion courses through me and I feel so lost, left out of the world.... not that I felt part of it before the destruction of the walls, but it's definitely more poignant now. I feel as if I can do no right. I struggle with the image I have of myself, as I always have... it's all so much more, magnified by 1000. I don't know which situation is worse, burying all that I feel and being more robotic in life or being consumed by the amplified emotions I have always tried to manage. I am sure there is a mental health condition associated with this. I know I have body dysmorphia or what ever the hell it's called. I know I have PTSD. I know I have dissociative disorder.... which is most likely what I have let myself fall into to not feel so much. I am such a lost cause. I am a burden to those I am around. And yet, I can't try to end it again. As much as I feel disconnected and useless, I know my kids would suffer should I end what pitiful existence I am experiencing. And therein lies the cruelest joke to me ever.... I am stuck here, living this life that does not love me, that cannot ever accept me as I am, because I made the choice to give life to two people who I hope do so much better than me. Who I love more than I could ever express, so I guess it all balances somehow, right? But this life... I just can't get it right. I open my mouth and say what I think is the right thing to only figure out it's absolutely the wrong thing. I fall flat, over and over again. I try to gain a grasp on love, and fail over and over because what comes out of my mouth is all wrong, all wrong, all wrong. Everyone wants to mold me into what they want. Everyone. There are no exceptions here. I don't make sense to the world, never did...
This current relationship is a perfect example of it. I am not sure why he hasn't just given up on me. How can you love someone who doesn't say the right things, look the right way, do the right things? How can you love me, when I cannot find it in me anymore to love myself? I thought I did for a time. I thought I was doing so good.... but looking back, and reading through this, well... it's a record of how much I just am not doing well. Life broke me, and I can't put myself back together anymore. Maybe I never really could. I just want it to be over. This life just drags on, reminding me of how little I get right, and me feeling so damned lonely and lost. When I was sick and dying, I fought to live. It's funny, isn't it? When you are living you want to die, but when you are dying you want to live. I realize fully this is a pity party. But for today it's the best I can do.
I just want to be understood. I just want someone that "gets" me and doesn't take all that I am wrong or try to change me or try to fix me. I just want, for once in my life, to feel loved in spite of myself, which likely is a selfish thing anyways. So I guess I'm just selfish. Ugh... even this isn't really helping anymore tonight. I imagine there isn't anything that can help. I would love to say time. Time will help. But it never seems to in reality, does it? I hang on to optimism because I hope, but maybe I am finally broken to the point even that escapes me.
I feel too damn much. I had done so good for a while, locking it all down, building my fortress, letting no one really in. And then it all collapses. You can't escape all the feeling. Not ever. I try. I tried. And when I first started feeling it was good, it was so good, because there was a good focus to those feelings. But then I just kept feeling and feeling and feeling. I don't know how it happened.... was it the acid I took a few months ago? Was it my past catching up with me and reopening wounds? Was it the almost sexual assault that I encountered? Was it this guy, who got himself behind my walls? I can't quite say what broke them down, all I know is they are gone, all of them, and all this raw emotion courses through me and I feel so lost, left out of the world.... not that I felt part of it before the destruction of the walls, but it's definitely more poignant now. I feel as if I can do no right. I struggle with the image I have of myself, as I always have... it's all so much more, magnified by 1000. I don't know which situation is worse, burying all that I feel and being more robotic in life or being consumed by the amplified emotions I have always tried to manage. I am sure there is a mental health condition associated with this. I know I have body dysmorphia or what ever the hell it's called. I know I have PTSD. I know I have dissociative disorder.... which is most likely what I have let myself fall into to not feel so much. I am such a lost cause. I am a burden to those I am around. And yet, I can't try to end it again. As much as I feel disconnected and useless, I know my kids would suffer should I end what pitiful existence I am experiencing. And therein lies the cruelest joke to me ever.... I am stuck here, living this life that does not love me, that cannot ever accept me as I am, because I made the choice to give life to two people who I hope do so much better than me. Who I love more than I could ever express, so I guess it all balances somehow, right? But this life... I just can't get it right. I open my mouth and say what I think is the right thing to only figure out it's absolutely the wrong thing. I fall flat, over and over again. I try to gain a grasp on love, and fail over and over because what comes out of my mouth is all wrong, all wrong, all wrong. Everyone wants to mold me into what they want. Everyone. There are no exceptions here. I don't make sense to the world, never did...
This current relationship is a perfect example of it. I am not sure why he hasn't just given up on me. How can you love someone who doesn't say the right things, look the right way, do the right things? How can you love me, when I cannot find it in me anymore to love myself? I thought I did for a time. I thought I was doing so good.... but looking back, and reading through this, well... it's a record of how much I just am not doing well. Life broke me, and I can't put myself back together anymore. Maybe I never really could. I just want it to be over. This life just drags on, reminding me of how little I get right, and me feeling so damned lonely and lost. When I was sick and dying, I fought to live. It's funny, isn't it? When you are living you want to die, but when you are dying you want to live. I realize fully this is a pity party. But for today it's the best I can do.
I just want to be understood. I just want someone that "gets" me and doesn't take all that I am wrong or try to change me or try to fix me. I just want, for once in my life, to feel loved in spite of myself, which likely is a selfish thing anyways. So I guess I'm just selfish. Ugh... even this isn't really helping anymore tonight. I imagine there isn't anything that can help. I would love to say time. Time will help. But it never seems to in reality, does it? I hang on to optimism because I hope, but maybe I am finally broken to the point even that escapes me.