Lost in the sea of life
I am just this poor, submissive, broken girl. It seems I always come back to this. Do we ever truly recover from trauma and become whole again? Then again, was I ever really whole, considering how my life began? It's hard to say. But time and again I find myself here, in this place, lost and feeling very alone. I can't seem to allow myself to connect and I close up in these walls and find it almost impossible to truly let someone in. Then, when I think I couldn't be more lost, I finally let someone in and it's almost agonizing because I am so terrified and so scared they will hurt me like so many before. I have so much difficulty standing up for myself, for doing what is needed to protect me. I just hunger for someone to get me, to understand me, to know what it is I need. I do not need someone to fix me, no one can do that but me. I don't need someone, I only need me. But I want... I want someone who understands my struggles and will hold me when I am feeling lost and lonely. I want someone who won't hurt me, who won't make me feel worthless, who won't feed the beast that lives inside me. I wonder if I can ever truly be human, and have the human experience of shared love, shared joy, shared sense of belonging. I wonder if there will ever be a time that I feel comfortable in my own skin, in my own world, in my own life. I wonder if there will ever be a time that I feel like I belong in the world, that I can connect with others. I know I am the problem, because I endlessly push people away and feel hurt and betrayed by them. I feel anger at my mother for her allowing all that happened to me. I feel anger in my love life, and lost for that matter, because I can't seem to get it right. I can't seem to make it work and I always feel like someone is misleading me, using me, or abusing me. I feel like I draw out the worst in everyone around me, like I am this toxic substance that permeates life around me and brings out something ugly and vile. I simply want to be human, happy, and loved. I want to love. I want to know that the one who loves me will care for me when I am my most vulnerable. I want them to allow me to do that for them. I want to give them all this love that is stuck inside me that I haven't been able to share. All of my emotions are so ragingly strong, and my love is no exception. But the storms that brew behind it can't be tamed either. There is no taming me... and this is what leaves me loveless and alone. How can I finally be free of this thing called me? How can I release myself from this chain called my past? I have been through so much therapy and they all tell me how well I am doing in spite of the torture I survived, but it's hard to see that when life is such an elusive thing that I can't connect with. I just wade in the surface of the ocean, watching life flow on the land, wishing I could be a part of it, wishing I could embrace it. And I hurt. I hurt and hurt and hurt. And I can't cry, because there is this barrier within me that holds any emotion that isn't positive in because so many have trained me that negative emotions have no place. They would see my tears and slap me, they would see my tears and give me a reason to cry.... always with the reasons. Tears are a weakness and there is no place for weakness in my life. It's a vulnerability that the cruel can use to satisfy their dark desires. And this world is full of dark desires, is it not? I see it all the time, have experienced the depth of depravity. I wish for a dream instead of a nightmare. Oh how I wish... I wish... and I wish.