Failing at life
So I'm dating a guy who takes really good care of me, who listens to me, who does things no guy has EVER done for me before. Yet here I am fucking up, you know, that thing I'm really good at. I'm so damned broken, I don't know if there is even the beginning of a way to fix me. Humpty Dumpty can't be put back together again. I feel so damned much, it's out of control. And everything is swinging around me and I'm pushing everyone away just as soon as they are there. Why does he stay and put up with my absolute bullshit? I'm so fucking screwed up, and he deals with all the fallout, and yet he just keeps standing beside me. I don't get it. I look in the mirror, it's not like I'm drop dead gorgeous or something that makes it worth it. I'm just this broken, discarded thing that has spent a lifetime wishing I could be anything at all but what I am. How fucked up is all of this. I am spiraling. Very much spiraling. And I don't know how to catch myself. I see my selfishness and I try so hard to put it aside, but there it is again, isn't it. This is what falling apart at the seams looks like, boys and girls. It's a fucking nightmare. I just want to be something good, something worthwhile, something that deserves that wonderful happiness I hear about. And I don't know how to get there. It's like I'm the rat in the maze that didn't get the training course and I'm trying to find that fucking carrot or whatever other treat is at the end and I just can't do it because my dumb ass can't figure it out. There was no guide, there were no instructions, I was just dropped in the maze and told go find it. I fail. Over and over again.