(no subject)
…so we’re all eating at Coyote Paws. This place reminds me of a diner that they would’ve ate at in Kill Bill, in the town where Uma gets married and everyone gets killed, like somewhere in Texas or New Mexico, or Tucson. Anyways, so we’re all having a dandy time and eating and then Marcus the Hymenator starts making me laugh, OUCH, fuck, I start having pains in my side and it kills when I laugh. Like jigga man Jay-z, I dust the dirt off my shoulder and finish out the meal. We all head back to the crib and the Huy feels no bueno. The plan for the night was to go to this lil U of A run carnival called Spring Fling so I decide to just try and sleep it off so I’ll be cool for the night. What do you know, as time went on, the pain got worse. After a few hours, I went from just laying on the recliner to screaming like Pavoratti in my room, it was like a dodge pickup rammed straight into my stomach and the redneck that was driving it got out and slayed the same spot with a kindergardner’s pair of scissors (the plastic kind that won’t cut paper) then proceeded to pee in the wound, yeah, it was kinda bad. But being the Deity that I am, I refused to go to the hospital, I mean shit, we had to go to spring fling. Well enough was enough proclaimed Ms. April Barrett. She called a town meeting and everyone made me go to the hospital. Being the resourceful daisy that she is, she looked up the nearest urgent care that accepted my health insurance policy and that was also on the other side of the fucking galaxy. Everyone throws me in the car, my car, hahaha and we’re off. The whole way there I couldn’t fully breathe and was laying sideways in the passenger seat with my face against the window, yeah, I looked like a fucking retard that just nut his pants, it was a sight for sore eyes.
So after traveling across the white plains, the sahara, the atlantic, and the milky way, we finally arrive at urgent care. I hobble in and instantly receive VIP treatment, “Right this way sir…” That’s right bitch. Anyways, they get me right in and the nurse takes my pulse yada yada, doc comes in, taps around and tells me, “son, you’re gonna have to go to the ER.” So as I hear this I’m thinking fuck, I hate that place. Chill for a bit and an ambulance comes and picks me up, load me up on a stretcher and back to hell I go. The ambulance was aight, just talked to the tech the whole way there, got a cool blanket out of it too. So I get back to the hospital and they get me in the back door, just the way I like to go. Long story short, waited for awhile, saw a few doctors, still planned on going to spring fling, saw some more doctors, pressed on my stomach a lil, and yeah. So it’s been a few hours now and my parents have arrived. I’m just chilling still, pain’s subsided a bit but don’t touch me please. So they want to do x-rays and an mri. So I get stretched down to x-ray and they shoot some rays in me. I’m laying there as these techs are looking at my x-rays and they start telling each other that I have long and great lungs, hahahaha. If they only knew… So the dude tells me that he’s never seen anyone’s lungs that did not fit on one x-ray slide, HAHAHAHAHAH. Next up is the mri, they made me drink some dye shit that sucked goat ass. Flash forward to a few hours later, they tell me I gots a big blood clot in my abdominopelvic region and they gotta go in as they don’t know what else could be wrong. No biggy. Few hours later, it’s Saturday now and I’m being wheeled into surgery. I have like 20 things sticking in and out of me. Suddenly they’re like, “hey bro, your blood pressure has dropped like whoa, that ain’t cool with us, we’re probably gonna have to transfuse some other mofuckers blood into you, that coo with you?” I oblige and consent to the possible transmittance of bad ish or even worse, not being able to accept it and dying. Whatev. They load me up with drugs and before you know it I’m the main course on the table, 10, 9, 8, I’m out.
Wake up and I’m being wheeled to ICU. I have this bandage that spans my whole six pac abs, a tube sticking out the side of stomach into a reservoir with what looks like Hawaiian punch in it, a tube sticking out of my dick, 3 iv’s in my left arm/wrist, 1 or 2 in my right, a oxygen tube across my nose, blood pressure monitor on my left arm, electrodes all across my body, morphine/ saline bags all around, my piss bag, it was pretty weird. Atleast I still had my… health? Well, while I was asleep, they go in and do what Dr. Hendersen calls an “exploratory procedure.” Well Christopher fuckin Columbus explored alright. He never found a passageway to Asia but he did find a softball sized Bohemath of a blood clot and 3 liters of blood where it ain’t spossed to be. Good news tho, they ended up recirculating that shit back into me. Oh yeah, they left me with a scar the size of a rhinoceros dong, equivalent to about 7-8 inches straight down my ab line and skirtin to the left to dodge my belly button. Judges ruling, surgery sucks…
So after traveling across the white plains, the sahara, the atlantic, and the milky way, we finally arrive at urgent care. I hobble in and instantly receive VIP treatment, “Right this way sir…” That’s right bitch. Anyways, they get me right in and the nurse takes my pulse yada yada, doc comes in, taps around and tells me, “son, you’re gonna have to go to the ER.” So as I hear this I’m thinking fuck, I hate that place. Chill for a bit and an ambulance comes and picks me up, load me up on a stretcher and back to hell I go. The ambulance was aight, just talked to the tech the whole way there, got a cool blanket out of it too. So I get back to the hospital and they get me in the back door, just the way I like to go. Long story short, waited for awhile, saw a few doctors, still planned on going to spring fling, saw some more doctors, pressed on my stomach a lil, and yeah. So it’s been a few hours now and my parents have arrived. I’m just chilling still, pain’s subsided a bit but don’t touch me please. So they want to do x-rays and an mri. So I get stretched down to x-ray and they shoot some rays in me. I’m laying there as these techs are looking at my x-rays and they start telling each other that I have long and great lungs, hahahaha. If they only knew… So the dude tells me that he’s never seen anyone’s lungs that did not fit on one x-ray slide, HAHAHAHAHAH. Next up is the mri, they made me drink some dye shit that sucked goat ass. Flash forward to a few hours later, they tell me I gots a big blood clot in my abdominopelvic region and they gotta go in as they don’t know what else could be wrong. No biggy. Few hours later, it’s Saturday now and I’m being wheeled into surgery. I have like 20 things sticking in and out of me. Suddenly they’re like, “hey bro, your blood pressure has dropped like whoa, that ain’t cool with us, we’re probably gonna have to transfuse some other mofuckers blood into you, that coo with you?” I oblige and consent to the possible transmittance of bad ish or even worse, not being able to accept it and dying. Whatev. They load me up with drugs and before you know it I’m the main course on the table, 10, 9, 8, I’m out.
Wake up and I’m being wheeled to ICU. I have this bandage that spans my whole six pac abs, a tube sticking out the side of stomach into a reservoir with what looks like Hawaiian punch in it, a tube sticking out of my dick, 3 iv’s in my left arm/wrist, 1 or 2 in my right, a oxygen tube across my nose, blood pressure monitor on my left arm, electrodes all across my body, morphine/ saline bags all around, my piss bag, it was pretty weird. Atleast I still had my… health? Well, while I was asleep, they go in and do what Dr. Hendersen calls an “exploratory procedure.” Well Christopher fuckin Columbus explored alright. He never found a passageway to Asia but he did find a softball sized Bohemath of a blood clot and 3 liters of blood where it ain’t spossed to be. Good news tho, they ended up recirculating that shit back into me. Oh yeah, they left me with a scar the size of a rhinoceros dong, equivalent to about 7-8 inches straight down my ab line and skirtin to the left to dodge my belly button. Judges ruling, surgery sucks…