(no subject)
"You seem driven."
Someone said this about Lichen, a character I was playing, but I think that's because a lot of me shows through in him.
The last year was a trial. I realized that there was no way that my life was going to get fixed unless I did it. I also realized that the world will move with or without me, that I will get old, and I will die. I took this to heart - maybe a little too much to heart - and started moving, although not in any particular direction.
I'm finding a direction now. I'm looking over the faculty of Health Sciences page right now, and wondering if I should apply, or try to actually live my life for a year, and then apply - probably part-time as COPE will want me in the fall of 2008, and there's the SFSS and there's other things. And there's volunteering, and creative work, and then I think slow down.
I'm too busy prepping for some future life to really get my teeth into living today. This is a common mistake.
I have many great gifts: I can absorb information from class and get grades without the same amount of work as others; I have some luck with money; my health is good; I don't get into fights. If I'm looking for physical security and a means to feeling engaged, I should acknowledge that I already have it. I should enjoy it. If some other portion of my life is deficient, I should stand on the safety I have and address that, but I should remember that things are good.
This is not a statement about gratitude- it's a statement about overcoming fear. There is no wolf at my door; nothing is trying to kill me. I can let my guard down. I could stop showing up to class, not study, and not hand in papers, and, as long as showed up for the exam, I'd be okay. My grades wouldn't be great and it would reduce my ability to get into grad school, but if my reaction to school is to drive myself around in circles, then maybe a higher, harder level of school isn't the way to go.
In any case, there's lots of time to think.
Someone said this about Lichen, a character I was playing, but I think that's because a lot of me shows through in him.
The last year was a trial. I realized that there was no way that my life was going to get fixed unless I did it. I also realized that the world will move with or without me, that I will get old, and I will die. I took this to heart - maybe a little too much to heart - and started moving, although not in any particular direction.
I'm finding a direction now. I'm looking over the faculty of Health Sciences page right now, and wondering if I should apply, or try to actually live my life for a year, and then apply - probably part-time as COPE will want me in the fall of 2008, and there's the SFSS and there's other things. And there's volunteering, and creative work, and then I think slow down.
I'm too busy prepping for some future life to really get my teeth into living today. This is a common mistake.
I have many great gifts: I can absorb information from class and get grades without the same amount of work as others; I have some luck with money; my health is good; I don't get into fights. If I'm looking for physical security and a means to feeling engaged, I should acknowledge that I already have it. I should enjoy it. If some other portion of my life is deficient, I should stand on the safety I have and address that, but I should remember that things are good.
This is not a statement about gratitude- it's a statement about overcoming fear. There is no wolf at my door; nothing is trying to kill me. I can let my guard down. I could stop showing up to class, not study, and not hand in papers, and, as long as showed up for the exam, I'd be okay. My grades wouldn't be great and it would reduce my ability to get into grad school, but if my reaction to school is to drive myself around in circles, then maybe a higher, harder level of school isn't the way to go.
In any case, there's lots of time to think.