Reflections on growing older
I had a birthday this week, my 53rd. Seems hard to believe I've made it this far. I never dreamed I'd get this old. So far I've managed to outlive 2 of my 3 younger siblings. That shouldn't be. But fate is very fickle. I still have my youngest brother and his family so we try to keep up, but I have discovered that raising 3 kids is a handful and my brother and his wife don't always seem to have a handle on things. So we only get together occasionally. Which is probably ok. I always knew I'd never be a dad, I don't handle kids too well, except in limited capacities. Being an uncle is enough kid time for me.
I did celebrate with one friend on my birthday and another this weekend. Enjoyed myself both days. Saw a great movie and a great musical. I also received several cards and at least one gift that I truly didn't deserve. Of course the one thing I'd really want for a gift is something I'm not likely to find; a boyfriend, partner, significant other. Seems I'm the kind of guy who is liked by many people, but not the kind of guy to be in love with. I should have acted upon things at a much younger age. Now I think the parade has passed me by. I stood along the sidelines and watched as it all marched forward. And here I still stand, on the sidelines, watching and hoping and waiting.
I have spent some nice times recently with Gayle playing cards with her elderly mother. While it's definitely a fun time, it makes me think that this is what the older generation does, sitting around and playing cards for entertainment. I have been active in the theatre group for many years now but I grown tired of some of the people and I'm thinking of resigning. They are doing a show this summer I wouldn't mind being involved with, but the other people who I know will be there I'd rather not see for a while. They have gotten on my last nerve. (Guess I'm also getting a little cranky in my elder disposition.) I also don't get to spend much time with my best bud as I'd like. But he, like my brother is a father and that added to his other pursuits makes spare time a precious commodity. It's hard to be single when most everyone you know is partnered or familied. Do the other single people I know feel this way too? Maybe, maybe not. But I have noticed it more and more as I've gotten older.
I treated myself to a cut and color yesterday. (Well I don't know if it's a treat or not. My black roots were really bad and my hair was falling into my eyes, so it was really more of a necessity than a treat.) My guy does a very nice job and it looked good. But when I looked in the mirror what looked back didn't make me feel all too great. I have been growing my beard for the past month to see how Santa Claus'y it will look like at Christmas. (I have played Santa for the Whiting C of C the past few years. Its fun and brings in a few bucks. But I hate the phony beard.) Now while my beard is sufficiently white now (except for a few dark hairs in the mustache) it could be ok if I continue to let it grow. The problem is that I look much older and sadder with it. And I'm wondering if that's making me feel older and sadder.
I saw a friend the other night I hadn't seen in a while. We first met when she had just had her second daughter. That second daughter is now 27 and living in New York making a living as a professional photographer. It made me feel suddenly older, because I still remember the daughter as a very small child. Interesting how we remember things and how time slips away when we stop looking. Maybe I need to start looking more. Maybe I need to step off of the sidelines. Maybe I need to find another parade to join. Maybe I just need to get a good night's sleep and wake up to a new day and see what it brings. ...Maybe I'll flap my arms and fly to the moon.
I did celebrate with one friend on my birthday and another this weekend. Enjoyed myself both days. Saw a great movie and a great musical. I also received several cards and at least one gift that I truly didn't deserve. Of course the one thing I'd really want for a gift is something I'm not likely to find; a boyfriend, partner, significant other. Seems I'm the kind of guy who is liked by many people, but not the kind of guy to be in love with. I should have acted upon things at a much younger age. Now I think the parade has passed me by. I stood along the sidelines and watched as it all marched forward. And here I still stand, on the sidelines, watching and hoping and waiting.
I have spent some nice times recently with Gayle playing cards with her elderly mother. While it's definitely a fun time, it makes me think that this is what the older generation does, sitting around and playing cards for entertainment. I have been active in the theatre group for many years now but I grown tired of some of the people and I'm thinking of resigning. They are doing a show this summer I wouldn't mind being involved with, but the other people who I know will be there I'd rather not see for a while. They have gotten on my last nerve. (Guess I'm also getting a little cranky in my elder disposition.) I also don't get to spend much time with my best bud as I'd like. But he, like my brother is a father and that added to his other pursuits makes spare time a precious commodity. It's hard to be single when most everyone you know is partnered or familied. Do the other single people I know feel this way too? Maybe, maybe not. But I have noticed it more and more as I've gotten older.
I treated myself to a cut and color yesterday. (Well I don't know if it's a treat or not. My black roots were really bad and my hair was falling into my eyes, so it was really more of a necessity than a treat.) My guy does a very nice job and it looked good. But when I looked in the mirror what looked back didn't make me feel all too great. I have been growing my beard for the past month to see how Santa Claus'y it will look like at Christmas. (I have played Santa for the Whiting C of C the past few years. Its fun and brings in a few bucks. But I hate the phony beard.) Now while my beard is sufficiently white now (except for a few dark hairs in the mustache) it could be ok if I continue to let it grow. The problem is that I look much older and sadder with it. And I'm wondering if that's making me feel older and sadder.
I saw a friend the other night I hadn't seen in a while. We first met when she had just had her second daughter. That second daughter is now 27 and living in New York making a living as a professional photographer. It made me feel suddenly older, because I still remember the daughter as a very small child. Interesting how we remember things and how time slips away when we stop looking. Maybe I need to start looking more. Maybe I need to step off of the sidelines. Maybe I need to find another parade to join. Maybe I just need to get a good night's sleep and wake up to a new day and see what it brings. ...Maybe I'll flap my arms and fly to the moon.