Harry Potter and the Receding Hairline
Title: Harry Potter and the Receding Hairline
Author: potteresque_Ire
Word Count: (9 Chapters + Epilogue) X 100 = 1000 (titles excluded)
Rating: G
Pairing: Harry/Draco
House: Gryffindor (we like a full mane too; our mascot is a lion, dammit!)
Challenge: Demand a rewrite
Author’s Notes: First fiction piece, thus will definitely appreciate reviews! Written somewhat hastily on the road and so please excuse any mistakes. A crackfic tribute to Draco’s, um, maturity. X-posted in hd100.
Disclaimer: Everything of course belongs to Ms. Rowling, who wrote those wonderful books (I actually like the epilogue!).
===================================================
1. Rise of A Dark Lord
Daily Prophet’s Guide to the New You-Know-Who
“Badder than Voldemort” - Anonymous Deatheater
“Hair raising!” - Anonymous Burkin & Borges employee
“Evilly slick.” - Anonymous Snake
VollvomHaar, formerly known as Draco Malfoy, has rapidly risen to power following the widely publicized shocker regarding his receding hairline. His minions, the Hairblowers, terrorize the Wizarding World by performing unforgivable spells that lead to instant hair loss. These curses include “Androgenetic Alopecia!”, the pattern curse; “Telogen Effluvium!”, the stress curse, and “Anagen Effluvium!”, the chemical curse.
The threat of Lord VollvomHaar is expected to surpass that of Voldemort, who lacked the power to induce hair growth.
---------------------------------------------------------------
2. Response of the Order
Shacklebolt addressed The Order of the Combover.
“We need Potter.”
Trump frowned. “He already defeated Voldemort. I want to see more teamwork.” He paused and pulsed his hand towards the other Order members for effect. “He’s fired.”
Shacklebolt’s face lowered in thought. “Harry knew love, and defeated Riddle who didn’t believe it.” His vision then leveled to look intently at the attendees. “Today, The Chosen One once again possesses something that the Dark Lord knows not”.
“Which is?”
Shacklebolt gazed at the photo of VollvomHarr on the table, his silent tone once again a study of gravitas and hope.
“Haircolor.”
---------------------------------------------------------------
3. The Chosen One Chosen
“You’re destined to save the world again, Harry.”
The Head Auror rolled his eyes.
“The prophecy’s been circulating among Muggles,” Shacklebolt accioed a heap of paper, “in a Virtual Hall of Prophecy known as -" he glanced at the printouts “Fanfiction.net.”
Harry sighed. “Is there proof that these muggle artifacts are magical?”
“My lynx,” Shacklebolt shot his patronus a worried look, “has been flushed and hyperventilating since he studied the predictions.”
“Right. What’s the prophecy?”
“Your hair’s jet-black, dark as midnight, raven…”
“Um. Okay.”
“And you pwn! Malfoy.”
“pwn!?”
“Own. Cryptic divinations as such, Harry, are definitely worth respect.”
---------------------------------------------------------------
4. Quest for The Blackstick
“Come you have, Young Potter.” The giant squid gurgled.
“I heard you own the Blackstick.”
“Yes. The Unbleachable. The dye that dyes all dyes,“ the twinkle in the saucepan eyes instantly killed surrounding zooplanktons. “Borrow it, you want?”
Harry nodded as he downed more gillyweed. He had a feeling that this would take long -
“As the new Ancient, Wise and Powerful Wizard, I’m obliged to give you meaningless clues and obscure words of wisdom.” A jellyfish kebob materialized to bespectacle the gigantic creature.
Indeed, thought Harry.
“So, uh, bring sexy back,” the squid chanted as it handed Harry a canister.
---------------------------------------------------------------
5. The First Trial
The Battle of Hogwarts v.2.0 (beta) followed a long-awaited appointment with VollvomHaar, who, when Harry arrived at the Great Hall, had his silverblond hair spread like fine silk concealing the entire surface of a House Table.
Hairblowers stood alongside, faithfully serving their Lord. One caught sight of Harry and dropped his comb.
“Androgenetic Alopecia!”, drawled Vollvomhaar. An island of scalp opened among the tresses of the offending servant.
Such evilness! Harry retrieved the canister and aimed at the platinum mane -
Vollvomhaar didn’t care to look up. “Never asked why that ink was made, did you.”
Harry squealed and ran.
---------------------------------------------------------------
6. Hidden Pains, Part One
VollvomHaar returned to his reading once the speccy git darted out of sight.
Under the cover that read “The Art of Getting Even” hid “Dark Lord for Dummies.” For hours Vollvomhaar agonized over its checklist.
Goal-oriented foreign name.
Check. “Full of hair” earned him the endorsement of a full line of salon products.
Impressive image.
Check. His black coat was traded for blowdryers.
Minions.
Check. Replaced his nameless ex-wife.
Dark haired lover.
Vollvomhaar sighed as he imagined that priceless someone.
Hotter than Aunt Bella. Not bitchy. Obsessed with him.
Most importantly, must satisfy his utmost secretive fetish for knobbly knees.
---------------------------------------------------------------
7. Hidden Pains, Part Two
“What are the -“ Harry glared at his squishy mentor “- skeletons - ” then the open lake floor “- in your closet?”
The Squid sighed.
“My sister had a tentacle tainted with soya sauce. Never the same since. The Unbleachable was meant to dye all sea dwellers unpresentable.”
Harry gasped. He loved sashimi.
“For the Greater Good, I thought. Young I was. Foolish. I forgot they could still make tempura and calamari.”
“Please accept my apology Harry, for this and my absence in the last war. In my quest for spirituality, I got carried away doing the yoga pretzel.”
---------------------------------------------------------------
8. Checkmate
Harry returned to the Great Hall, still dripping with lake water.
VollvomHaar’s hair, a soft cascade of silver, gleamed in the morning sun. Harry hoisted the canister once again.
The Dark Lord sniggered. “Tsk tsk. Saint Potter willing to surrender a Muggle cuisine.”
Harry was calm. “Save it, Malfoy. My HDL was too high anyway.”
VollvomHaar blanched; he always underestimated Potter - including his cholesterol level. Once again he regarded his child nemesis, but soon his eyes hit a violent stop at the knobbly knees protruding from the damp trousers.
VollvomHaar’s legs weakened with passion as Harry pulled the lever.
---------------------------------------------------------------
9. Victory Once More
The Battle of Hogwarts v.2.0 occurred without much fanfare.
As the black mist settled, VollvomHaar was lying at the feet of Harry, who held the Blackstick high in his left hand.
This Kodak moment ended as the Great Hall erupted with the howl of blowdryers as Hairblowers hastened to style their freshly regrown hair.
Harry looked down. The former Dark Lord was still alive, his face flushed.
His eyes were nevertheless rapidly drawn to the long mane.
Jet black, shiny, as if greased in its dampness.
A fusion of Dumbledore’s style and Snape’s texture.
Albus Severus.
Harry was in love.
---------------------------------------------------------------
- Epilogue -
The Autumn breeze embraced the ancient coastal fortress.
Draco sat majestically on a bronze artillery, amidst a moat of luggages. Behind was the vessel in which he and Harry would soon sail afar for months, or even years.
“You’re sitting on a historic monument.”
“Screw the cannon.” Draco drawled as he watched Scorpius and Al, architects of the new ship, performing the final check.
Ginny, waiting for Al on the dock, was French kissing a stranger. Harry’s nod at her went unnoticed.
Harry sighed and settled on the cold metal.
“Screw cannon too,” he muttered. Draco smirked.
All was well.
Author: potteresque_Ire
Word Count: (9 Chapters + Epilogue) X 100 = 1000 (titles excluded)
Rating: G
Pairing: Harry/Draco
House: Gryffindor (we like a full mane too; our mascot is a lion, dammit!)
Challenge: Demand a rewrite
Author’s Notes: First fiction piece, thus will definitely appreciate reviews! Written somewhat hastily on the road and so please excuse any mistakes. A crackfic tribute to Draco’s, um, maturity. X-posted in hd100.
Disclaimer: Everything of course belongs to Ms. Rowling, who wrote those wonderful books (I actually like the epilogue!).
===================================================
1. Rise of A Dark Lord
Daily Prophet’s Guide to the New You-Know-Who
“Badder than Voldemort” - Anonymous Deatheater
“Hair raising!” - Anonymous Burkin & Borges employee
“Evilly slick.” - Anonymous Snake
VollvomHaar, formerly known as Draco Malfoy, has rapidly risen to power following the widely publicized shocker regarding his receding hairline. His minions, the Hairblowers, terrorize the Wizarding World by performing unforgivable spells that lead to instant hair loss. These curses include “Androgenetic Alopecia!”, the pattern curse; “Telogen Effluvium!”, the stress curse, and “Anagen Effluvium!”, the chemical curse.
The threat of Lord VollvomHaar is expected to surpass that of Voldemort, who lacked the power to induce hair growth.
---------------------------------------------------------------
2. Response of the Order
Shacklebolt addressed The Order of the Combover.
“We need Potter.”
Trump frowned. “He already defeated Voldemort. I want to see more teamwork.” He paused and pulsed his hand towards the other Order members for effect. “He’s fired.”
Shacklebolt’s face lowered in thought. “Harry knew love, and defeated Riddle who didn’t believe it.” His vision then leveled to look intently at the attendees. “Today, The Chosen One once again possesses something that the Dark Lord knows not”.
“Which is?”
Shacklebolt gazed at the photo of VollvomHarr on the table, his silent tone once again a study of gravitas and hope.
“Haircolor.”
---------------------------------------------------------------
3. The Chosen One Chosen
“You’re destined to save the world again, Harry.”
The Head Auror rolled his eyes.
“The prophecy’s been circulating among Muggles,” Shacklebolt accioed a heap of paper, “in a Virtual Hall of Prophecy known as -" he glanced at the printouts “Fanfiction.net.”
Harry sighed. “Is there proof that these muggle artifacts are magical?”
“My lynx,” Shacklebolt shot his patronus a worried look, “has been flushed and hyperventilating since he studied the predictions.”
“Right. What’s the prophecy?”
“Your hair’s jet-black, dark as midnight, raven…”
“Um. Okay.”
“And you pwn! Malfoy.”
“pwn!?”
“Own. Cryptic divinations as such, Harry, are definitely worth respect.”
---------------------------------------------------------------
4. Quest for The Blackstick
“Come you have, Young Potter.” The giant squid gurgled.
“I heard you own the Blackstick.”
“Yes. The Unbleachable. The dye that dyes all dyes,“ the twinkle in the saucepan eyes instantly killed surrounding zooplanktons. “Borrow it, you want?”
Harry nodded as he downed more gillyweed. He had a feeling that this would take long -
“As the new Ancient, Wise and Powerful Wizard, I’m obliged to give you meaningless clues and obscure words of wisdom.” A jellyfish kebob materialized to bespectacle the gigantic creature.
Indeed, thought Harry.
“So, uh, bring sexy back,” the squid chanted as it handed Harry a canister.
---------------------------------------------------------------
5. The First Trial
The Battle of Hogwarts v.2.0 (beta) followed a long-awaited appointment with VollvomHaar, who, when Harry arrived at the Great Hall, had his silverblond hair spread like fine silk concealing the entire surface of a House Table.
Hairblowers stood alongside, faithfully serving their Lord. One caught sight of Harry and dropped his comb.
“Androgenetic Alopecia!”, drawled Vollvomhaar. An island of scalp opened among the tresses of the offending servant.
Such evilness! Harry retrieved the canister and aimed at the platinum mane -
Vollvomhaar didn’t care to look up. “Never asked why that ink was made, did you.”
Harry squealed and ran.
---------------------------------------------------------------
6. Hidden Pains, Part One
VollvomHaar returned to his reading once the speccy git darted out of sight.
Under the cover that read “The Art of Getting Even” hid “Dark Lord for Dummies.” For hours Vollvomhaar agonized over its checklist.
Goal-oriented foreign name.
Check. “Full of hair” earned him the endorsement of a full line of salon products.
Impressive image.
Check. His black coat was traded for blowdryers.
Minions.
Check. Replaced his nameless ex-wife.
Dark haired lover.
Vollvomhaar sighed as he imagined that priceless someone.
Hotter than Aunt Bella. Not bitchy. Obsessed with him.
Most importantly, must satisfy his utmost secretive fetish for knobbly knees.
---------------------------------------------------------------
7. Hidden Pains, Part Two
“What are the -“ Harry glared at his squishy mentor “- skeletons - ” then the open lake floor “- in your closet?”
The Squid sighed.
“My sister had a tentacle tainted with soya sauce. Never the same since. The Unbleachable was meant to dye all sea dwellers unpresentable.”
Harry gasped. He loved sashimi.
“For the Greater Good, I thought. Young I was. Foolish. I forgot they could still make tempura and calamari.”
“Please accept my apology Harry, for this and my absence in the last war. In my quest for spirituality, I got carried away doing the yoga pretzel.”
---------------------------------------------------------------
8. Checkmate
Harry returned to the Great Hall, still dripping with lake water.
VollvomHaar’s hair, a soft cascade of silver, gleamed in the morning sun. Harry hoisted the canister once again.
The Dark Lord sniggered. “Tsk tsk. Saint Potter willing to surrender a Muggle cuisine.”
Harry was calm. “Save it, Malfoy. My HDL was too high anyway.”
VollvomHaar blanched; he always underestimated Potter - including his cholesterol level. Once again he regarded his child nemesis, but soon his eyes hit a violent stop at the knobbly knees protruding from the damp trousers.
VollvomHaar’s legs weakened with passion as Harry pulled the lever.
---------------------------------------------------------------
9. Victory Once More
The Battle of Hogwarts v.2.0 occurred without much fanfare.
As the black mist settled, VollvomHaar was lying at the feet of Harry, who held the Blackstick high in his left hand.
This Kodak moment ended as the Great Hall erupted with the howl of blowdryers as Hairblowers hastened to style their freshly regrown hair.
Harry looked down. The former Dark Lord was still alive, his face flushed.
His eyes were nevertheless rapidly drawn to the long mane.
Jet black, shiny, as if greased in its dampness.
A fusion of Dumbledore’s style and Snape’s texture.
Albus Severus.
Harry was in love.
---------------------------------------------------------------
- Epilogue -
The Autumn breeze embraced the ancient coastal fortress.
Draco sat majestically on a bronze artillery, amidst a moat of luggages. Behind was the vessel in which he and Harry would soon sail afar for months, or even years.
“You’re sitting on a historic monument.”
“Screw the cannon.” Draco drawled as he watched Scorpius and Al, architects of the new ship, performing the final check.
Ginny, waiting for Al on the dock, was French kissing a stranger. Harry’s nod at her went unnoticed.
Harry sighed and settled on the cold metal.
“Screw cannon too,” he muttered. Draco smirked.
All was well.