(no subject)
I'm spending too much time on food. I'm still binging but I'm also wasting my hours on trigger pics (even if I am not starving I have a strange fascination / affinity for them) & food information (recipes, low cal. food, meal plans, etc.). I usually do this instead of my homework. Yeah, I feel like a loser.
I've almost run out of money on my food card. Augh. It is so hard to realize how much money I am spending on this god-awful "habit" when I pay for it all with plastic. It doesn't register for me. It doesn't seem real. I've spent so many years on food stamps (because of my mother) that I am not used to ever spending "real" cash or money on food. I told myself I wouldn't waste my funds on junk. I made myself a liar again.
This is especially bad since I am a poor college student.
Maybe... I shouldn't refill my card cash. I'll just leave it alone & not eat instead. When I really want something... I'll either pay for it with cash or charge it to my bank card. Hopefully that will make me think twice about eating anything.
I keep telling myself it will be different once I get the appartment... like this time with the dorm & the dining center is some sort of abstract & inconsequential place where I can slack off and eat whatever and whenever I want to. It's delusional of me.
I wonder if a fruit & vegetable fast is at all a good idea? Obviously, I know it's not really a good idea - unless all I'm trying to do is clean out my system for a couple days - & I'm not. I just want to starve myself. (I want to starve and binge...)
Jesus, I don't know what to do. I doubt I can last on just fruit (mentally & physically). But I don't know how else to restrict here... with the food available here (it is all either so unhealthy or so high in calories & fat). And then... when I do restrict... before I get that good feeling of shrinking... I feel so fucking frustrated. I wonder why I put myself through that when I could be putting myself into oblivion - finding that feelingless void a binge brings - blocking everything out. It's even harder now, too, since January... after the big depression and the record breaking weight gain. My bones are farther away, the rewards of restriction take longer to notice, the pay off, the finish line, the goal... it's so much harder to feel happening. It'd take 30lbs now to get down to my "regular" weight... to that point where I recognize myself shrinking. I don't know how long it would take me to notice it from here.
But it is something that has to be done eventually. Am I going to stop deluding myself or keep going for the oblivous coping?
I've almost run out of money on my food card. Augh. It is so hard to realize how much money I am spending on this god-awful "habit" when I pay for it all with plastic. It doesn't register for me. It doesn't seem real. I've spent so many years on food stamps (because of my mother) that I am not used to ever spending "real" cash or money on food. I told myself I wouldn't waste my funds on junk. I made myself a liar again.
This is especially bad since I am a poor college student.
Maybe... I shouldn't refill my card cash. I'll just leave it alone & not eat instead. When I really want something... I'll either pay for it with cash or charge it to my bank card. Hopefully that will make me think twice about eating anything.
I keep telling myself it will be different once I get the appartment... like this time with the dorm & the dining center is some sort of abstract & inconsequential place where I can slack off and eat whatever and whenever I want to. It's delusional of me.
I wonder if a fruit & vegetable fast is at all a good idea? Obviously, I know it's not really a good idea - unless all I'm trying to do is clean out my system for a couple days - & I'm not. I just want to starve myself. (I want to starve and binge...)
Jesus, I don't know what to do. I doubt I can last on just fruit (mentally & physically). But I don't know how else to restrict here... with the food available here (it is all either so unhealthy or so high in calories & fat). And then... when I do restrict... before I get that good feeling of shrinking... I feel so fucking frustrated. I wonder why I put myself through that when I could be putting myself into oblivion - finding that feelingless void a binge brings - blocking everything out. It's even harder now, too, since January... after the big depression and the record breaking weight gain. My bones are farther away, the rewards of restriction take longer to notice, the pay off, the finish line, the goal... it's so much harder to feel happening. It'd take 30lbs now to get down to my "regular" weight... to that point where I recognize myself shrinking. I don't know how long it would take me to notice it from here.
But it is something that has to be done eventually. Am I going to stop deluding myself or keep going for the oblivous coping?