(no subject)
'I really want this to be over and I want food to not matter. I don't want to need it like an addiction, I don't want to feel like I have to starve myself just to keep from spiraling out of control or that I've got to purge just to make it "Okay".'
I wrote that over two years ago... and yet I still do almost all of those things. Some of them I do even "worse" than before.
Is anyone else afraid to accept themselves because it would mean giving up the e.d.? ... I think I am. I'm afraid if I tell myself it is okay to weigh as much as I do.. that I don't need to hurt myself in order to lose weight... I'll never get thin. I just can't give up on that.
I want to be thin - even if I give up all my unhealthy reasons. I at least want to do it to be "healthy" then and just be more comfortable in every day life. Of course... right now, I still also want to appear fragile, etc.
I'm also afraid I'll weigh this much for the rest of my life. I used to tell myself I'd never be a fat adult... too late.
Restricted for a little while after my last entry... what a stupid time to start, right before my period. That made it harder... and I felt like there was no point in starving when I felt like such shit. :( If I could just get that feeling of weight loss again - then I'd be unstoppable (at least until I fucked up again). It's the fact that I'm not getting anything out of my non-eating right now... I'm not getting that pleasant feeling of empty, or triumph, or the high of shrinking. It's just frustrating. So I'm binging again. :( The only thing that makes me feel better. The only thing that blocks it all out so nothing matters. I sleep a lot now, too. I'd like to sleep all the time, if I could...
I miss my safe foods. Right now all I have to eat is the stuff from the dining center... it is not safe at all and what is safe is not very balanced or healthy and tastes like shit. I actually like things like plain lettuce, etc... but their salad and vegetables taste so awful plain (and who would use salad-bar dressing while restricting?!). I don't know what it is... maybe just the fact that they leave them out all day...
I am moving out of the dorms this winter, though. Then I will return to restriction. I'll be living with my boyfriend - (husband by then, we're getting married so he can live in the U.S.) - so it may be harder. I don't want to worry him. I will be healthier about it - no more fasting or 300 cal. a day. But I still can't see myself managing a 1200 cal. diet if I want to lose weight.
I am so amazed that he takes my problem seriously. A lot of the e.d. is about looking sick - validating my suffering - looking as awful on the outside as I feel on the inside, so everyone will know, and I won't have to tell a single soul. At my current state - fat, gluttonous - I wouldn't expect anyone to worry about whether or not I'm eating or taking care of myself. But he does. It's incredible.
I wrote that over two years ago... and yet I still do almost all of those things. Some of them I do even "worse" than before.
Is anyone else afraid to accept themselves because it would mean giving up the e.d.? ... I think I am. I'm afraid if I tell myself it is okay to weigh as much as I do.. that I don't need to hurt myself in order to lose weight... I'll never get thin. I just can't give up on that.
I want to be thin - even if I give up all my unhealthy reasons. I at least want to do it to be "healthy" then and just be more comfortable in every day life. Of course... right now, I still also want to appear fragile, etc.
I'm also afraid I'll weigh this much for the rest of my life. I used to tell myself I'd never be a fat adult... too late.
Restricted for a little while after my last entry... what a stupid time to start, right before my period. That made it harder... and I felt like there was no point in starving when I felt like such shit. :( If I could just get that feeling of weight loss again - then I'd be unstoppable (at least until I fucked up again). It's the fact that I'm not getting anything out of my non-eating right now... I'm not getting that pleasant feeling of empty, or triumph, or the high of shrinking. It's just frustrating. So I'm binging again. :( The only thing that makes me feel better. The only thing that blocks it all out so nothing matters. I sleep a lot now, too. I'd like to sleep all the time, if I could...
I miss my safe foods. Right now all I have to eat is the stuff from the dining center... it is not safe at all and what is safe is not very balanced or healthy and tastes like shit. I actually like things like plain lettuce, etc... but their salad and vegetables taste so awful plain (and who would use salad-bar dressing while restricting?!). I don't know what it is... maybe just the fact that they leave them out all day...
I am moving out of the dorms this winter, though. Then I will return to restriction. I'll be living with my boyfriend - (husband by then, we're getting married so he can live in the U.S.) - so it may be harder. I don't want to worry him. I will be healthier about it - no more fasting or 300 cal. a day. But I still can't see myself managing a 1200 cal. diet if I want to lose weight.
I am so amazed that he takes my problem seriously. A lot of the e.d. is about looking sick - validating my suffering - looking as awful on the outside as I feel on the inside, so everyone will know, and I won't have to tell a single soul. At my current state - fat, gluttonous - I wouldn't expect anyone to worry about whether or not I'm eating or taking care of myself. But he does. It's incredible.