Where Winning Is Losing
I can't believe that this thing is really happening or has happened. In fact I am writing this from his house. Chris, my supervisor has expressed great love for me, more than I can say I have for him. Last night I shared his bed and it felt so good. I wanted to do this for a long time--almost two years I have waited just for the simple chance to touch him and now I am waking up to his kissing me goodbye.
But even in this moment I have had to stop to ask myself--what am I doing? Why am I here? The truth is, now that I know Chris gets down and having my way with him is nothing more than me saying the words, I've found that I really don't want him. Really I don't, I thought about it in our kisses, in our touches, in our stares, in every waking moment we have spent together and I just can't change the fact that I DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH THIS MAN. Its like I have won and have lost at the same time. Now he is telling me why he loves me and wants to be with me and expects the same from me especially since I am the one who initiated this affair. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
BOTH of our concerns is the same regardless of how I feel and that is--THIS CAN'T GET OUT ON THE JOB. If they knew about Chris and I they would have a heart attack and fire us both. They being MIKE--the big boss of the department and I need my job as much as Mike needs his but let this love affair cross the ears of Mike and he will be handing Chris and myself our pink slips. One reason this would piss Mike off is because a long time go Mike asked Chris to be someone of a mentor to me-- a fact Chris just told me about--which is one of Chris's personal reasons he does not want mike to hear about our togetherness.
I always thought that I was the guy who would get to have my cake and eat it too. well I had my cake and I did get to eat it--but in this case I took a bit greater than what I can chew...
But even in this moment I have had to stop to ask myself--what am I doing? Why am I here? The truth is, now that I know Chris gets down and having my way with him is nothing more than me saying the words, I've found that I really don't want him. Really I don't, I thought about it in our kisses, in our touches, in our stares, in every waking moment we have spent together and I just can't change the fact that I DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH THIS MAN. Its like I have won and have lost at the same time. Now he is telling me why he loves me and wants to be with me and expects the same from me especially since I am the one who initiated this affair. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
BOTH of our concerns is the same regardless of how I feel and that is--THIS CAN'T GET OUT ON THE JOB. If they knew about Chris and I they would have a heart attack and fire us both. They being MIKE--the big boss of the department and I need my job as much as Mike needs his but let this love affair cross the ears of Mike and he will be handing Chris and myself our pink slips. One reason this would piss Mike off is because a long time go Mike asked Chris to be someone of a mentor to me-- a fact Chris just told me about--which is one of Chris's personal reasons he does not want mike to hear about our togetherness.
I always thought that I was the guy who would get to have my cake and eat it too. well I had my cake and I did get to eat it--but in this case I took a bit greater than what I can chew...