5 years ago...
so my last entry was five years ago, and it has been a roller coaster. so much has happened, changed, evolved. let's start from the beginning.
2007
i ended up not being able to walk with my classmates at graduation. i had failed a few classes because i was smoking pot and skipping class and not doing my homework and failing tests. it hurt. real bad. i think i ended up sleeping for like 3 weeks straight after i got the news. somehow i managed to get out of it though. after the summer ended i moved to worcester, mass to be in an internship program called dynamy. we had to do an outward bound excursion before the start to, bond us in a way. it was great fun and i met some wonderful people. some i wish i was still in contact with. however, like everything else, i somehow fucked those relationships up too. i lived in a building with 3 floors, 5 other girls, and 11 guys. what a party house we were. my first internship was at a hotel in the sales department. i did love it there. i got to help set up different events, whether it was meetings or baby showers or even weddings. so many memories to cherish.
2008
after winter break i ended up moving to a different house with 3 brand new girls, and 5 guys living just a few feet away. again, we were partiers. there was always a round of beer pong or kings going on. i started my second internship at a little family owned restaurant, where i helped in the kitchen, played hostess at night, and even got to do inventory. great food, great people, and again, great memories. soon after i ended that one, i met dani. she, and yes i wrote she, was great. i hung out with her more than i did with my roommates. we were falling for each other. i stayed with her while working at a horrible seafood restaurant. basically i didn't learn shit and was bored half the time. after dynamy ended i drove back to atlanta, in my new car, with dani. we moved in with my best friend, whom i miss to this day. and that's when trouble broke out. i drove her back up to mass to leave her on her father's doorstep. i was done.
2009
life then continued on. i went to AIA for culinary but ended up leaving a mere 3 semesters into my college career. i then moved out of the current apt and found one of my own. i then worked at petsmart, during which time i made a lot of choices i am ashamed of. i played poker and drank almost every night. i began smoking, and dealing, more pot. i started doing cocaine. i started taking more pills. i even dabbled into the awful world of meth, however that was at the end of my stay in atlanta. i met, and fucked, a lot of men, most of whom i can't remember. one i do remember clearly was jp. he was an enabler for me and the worst kind. however he was also the one that probably got away.
2010
i had a lot of fucked up nights with jp. we would stay up late smoking chronic. drinking till the wee hours of the morning. fuck all night long. and not leave my apt for days. we never went on dates. we never hung out after work. heck, we would fight more than we would talk. he abused me. mentally. emotionally. he down right fucked me up. so when july came around and then of my lease agreement, i knew it was time to change. i had to get away. from him, from atlanta, from the drugs. so i packed my car up and drove. heading west. still high on meth though, i decided to stop at the rest stop across the alabama/georgia line. and it was there that i threw my teddy bear, my birth bear, in the trash. then the tears started flowing. i knew that bear represented jp on the deepest level, and the only way to get rid of him was to throw him away. finally after 3 long agonizing days on the road i made it to my current place of residence, albuquerque, nm.
2011
i lived with my parents for about a year, getting myself sober, clean, and healthy once again. during this time i met frankie, my therapist, and her 3 pugs, rosie, lily, and jack. she pulled all the pieces of my life back onto the table and help me put them back together. she has truly been my savior these past 2 years. i also got a job. first it was helping my father with his shaved ice business. it was fun. it was also boring. so i went back to poker. it was there, i met the boss of the poker room at ROUTE 66 CASINO/HOTEL. he commented on my dealing skills and told me to come in and practice. so i did. i then got hired april 2011. i was officially a poker dealer. i started saving my money, since there was no rent at my parent's house, and finally got my own place. a little studio apt in town, right near the highway so easy access. i also got a new neighbor a few months into my stay. his name, ronnie. and boy was he a guido. he was from boston, so already we had something in common. and the relationship/turmoil began. i stayed in his bed almost every single night, except when i was working the late shift. even then i would sneak in and sleep next to him. also, the sex was fantastic. but then the arguments began. the constant bickering and fighting and slamming doors. so it ended. very abruptly. and he found someone new while i was dealing with heartbreak. i tried to keep him out, but he always weaseled himself back in.
2012
finally i gave up on him. he was gone from my life. i decided to focus more on work, sleep, and alone time. depression kicked in several times during the first few months of this year. yet somehow i always managed to find the light. around my 1 year anniversary of being at 66, i began to learn the game of blackjack. it was nothing like the movie 21. however, being a quick study, i picked it up almost immediately and moved out into the main pit. also around this time i met my current boyfriend, daniel. i had met him last year and we hit it off, but due to work schedules and personal issues, we took a break. however i'm happy he's back in my life. because i am a full time blackjack dealer now, i only get to see him two days out of the week, but we still make it work. we just hit our 4 month mark, and i'm falling hard. however i'm not going to fuck things up this time. we are happy with where WE are in our relationship and i know i can trust him to the point that when the next level comes along, he'll be holding my hand every step of the way.
so i have been clean for over 2 years now, i don't drink as much anymore. heck i have maybe a beer every two weeks. i have a full time job that i love, and know i can take anywhere in the world. i have parents that love and trust me again. and i have my life. that's all that matters.
everything else is material, in a material world.
2007
i ended up not being able to walk with my classmates at graduation. i had failed a few classes because i was smoking pot and skipping class and not doing my homework and failing tests. it hurt. real bad. i think i ended up sleeping for like 3 weeks straight after i got the news. somehow i managed to get out of it though. after the summer ended i moved to worcester, mass to be in an internship program called dynamy. we had to do an outward bound excursion before the start to, bond us in a way. it was great fun and i met some wonderful people. some i wish i was still in contact with. however, like everything else, i somehow fucked those relationships up too. i lived in a building with 3 floors, 5 other girls, and 11 guys. what a party house we were. my first internship was at a hotel in the sales department. i did love it there. i got to help set up different events, whether it was meetings or baby showers or even weddings. so many memories to cherish.
2008
after winter break i ended up moving to a different house with 3 brand new girls, and 5 guys living just a few feet away. again, we were partiers. there was always a round of beer pong or kings going on. i started my second internship at a little family owned restaurant, where i helped in the kitchen, played hostess at night, and even got to do inventory. great food, great people, and again, great memories. soon after i ended that one, i met dani. she, and yes i wrote she, was great. i hung out with her more than i did with my roommates. we were falling for each other. i stayed with her while working at a horrible seafood restaurant. basically i didn't learn shit and was bored half the time. after dynamy ended i drove back to atlanta, in my new car, with dani. we moved in with my best friend, whom i miss to this day. and that's when trouble broke out. i drove her back up to mass to leave her on her father's doorstep. i was done.
2009
life then continued on. i went to AIA for culinary but ended up leaving a mere 3 semesters into my college career. i then moved out of the current apt and found one of my own. i then worked at petsmart, during which time i made a lot of choices i am ashamed of. i played poker and drank almost every night. i began smoking, and dealing, more pot. i started doing cocaine. i started taking more pills. i even dabbled into the awful world of meth, however that was at the end of my stay in atlanta. i met, and fucked, a lot of men, most of whom i can't remember. one i do remember clearly was jp. he was an enabler for me and the worst kind. however he was also the one that probably got away.
2010
i had a lot of fucked up nights with jp. we would stay up late smoking chronic. drinking till the wee hours of the morning. fuck all night long. and not leave my apt for days. we never went on dates. we never hung out after work. heck, we would fight more than we would talk. he abused me. mentally. emotionally. he down right fucked me up. so when july came around and then of my lease agreement, i knew it was time to change. i had to get away. from him, from atlanta, from the drugs. so i packed my car up and drove. heading west. still high on meth though, i decided to stop at the rest stop across the alabama/georgia line. and it was there that i threw my teddy bear, my birth bear, in the trash. then the tears started flowing. i knew that bear represented jp on the deepest level, and the only way to get rid of him was to throw him away. finally after 3 long agonizing days on the road i made it to my current place of residence, albuquerque, nm.
2011
i lived with my parents for about a year, getting myself sober, clean, and healthy once again. during this time i met frankie, my therapist, and her 3 pugs, rosie, lily, and jack. she pulled all the pieces of my life back onto the table and help me put them back together. she has truly been my savior these past 2 years. i also got a job. first it was helping my father with his shaved ice business. it was fun. it was also boring. so i went back to poker. it was there, i met the boss of the poker room at ROUTE 66 CASINO/HOTEL. he commented on my dealing skills and told me to come in and practice. so i did. i then got hired april 2011. i was officially a poker dealer. i started saving my money, since there was no rent at my parent's house, and finally got my own place. a little studio apt in town, right near the highway so easy access. i also got a new neighbor a few months into my stay. his name, ronnie. and boy was he a guido. he was from boston, so already we had something in common. and the relationship/turmoil began. i stayed in his bed almost every single night, except when i was working the late shift. even then i would sneak in and sleep next to him. also, the sex was fantastic. but then the arguments began. the constant bickering and fighting and slamming doors. so it ended. very abruptly. and he found someone new while i was dealing with heartbreak. i tried to keep him out, but he always weaseled himself back in.
2012
finally i gave up on him. he was gone from my life. i decided to focus more on work, sleep, and alone time. depression kicked in several times during the first few months of this year. yet somehow i always managed to find the light. around my 1 year anniversary of being at 66, i began to learn the game of blackjack. it was nothing like the movie 21. however, being a quick study, i picked it up almost immediately and moved out into the main pit. also around this time i met my current boyfriend, daniel. i had met him last year and we hit it off, but due to work schedules and personal issues, we took a break. however i'm happy he's back in my life. because i am a full time blackjack dealer now, i only get to see him two days out of the week, but we still make it work. we just hit our 4 month mark, and i'm falling hard. however i'm not going to fuck things up this time. we are happy with where WE are in our relationship and i know i can trust him to the point that when the next level comes along, he'll be holding my hand every step of the way.
so i have been clean for over 2 years now, i don't drink as much anymore. heck i have maybe a beer every two weeks. i have a full time job that i love, and know i can take anywhere in the world. i have parents that love and trust me again. and i have my life. that's all that matters.
everything else is material, in a material world.