bipolar emotions
I feel like I'm losing it. I'm feeling bipolar. Even though I'm not. I just have bad coping skills and massive mood swings.
I'm tired of being sick. Every time I eat I get sick with gas and horrid smelling burping, plus cramps. As if I dont already have a problem making myself eat. I'm agitated and all the kids are home. I feel like a lousy mom for putting on the tv or having them use their DS or ipads. Ugh. I don't want to be this mom. I dont want to struggle when they are all home. I want to savor it because they are only little once. I will never get this again. I don't want to be so emotional that I literally sob when I bite my lip in the middle of dinner. wtf is wrong with me?
my breaking point yesterday was when my husband was late. He stopped to get snails for his tank. Didn't tell me. normally I don't care. But yesterday was the kind of day that I was counting down the time until he got home and I had help. So when he was going to be 40 (or so) minutes late I lost it. I just couldn't handle it. Later I bit my lip eating (which I anyway didn't want to do) and sobbed. full blown ugly cried, food in mouth, blubbering like an idiot. My husband must have thought I'd lost my marbles.
Today he let me sleep in, and brought coffee. Which was donkey better than yesterday's wake up. I'm down to 27 inches so I'm shrinking back, but can't weigh myself since hubby is home.
therapy tomorrow
I just feel like such a stretched person. I made everyone if my kids upset yesterday. I feel outnumbered and overwhelmed. And fat. I'm trying to be patient knowing its bloating from my period, and intestinal issues from sickness but it's starting to get to me.
I wish I could live in those fleeing moments of freedom. When I feel happy. When I connect with my family. This is not who I want to be. who I want them to remember me being.
I feel happy and sad today. remnants of yesterday but hopeful it'll be different today. I don't know how to explain it. Like I'm a breath away from tears. or laughter.
I wad thinking yesterday when I was mad at my stomach for being hungry that I've changed a lot since being over weight. When I was fat the feeling of hunger literally terrified me. It felt like I was going to DIE it physically hurt so badly. If I didn't eat then it would send me into a panic. Now hunger is happiness because it means I'm not getting fat. There are times it physically hurts abs I give in but for the most part it comes faintly then it goes a few minutes later. I wonder when this changed? Why it changed?
goals for the day is to finish laundry.
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