i wish i could tie you up in my shoes, make you feel unpretty too
i feel really weird today. i havent done a lot over the last few days, felt hungover although im not, and been really really tired and hardly slept. everything just seems a bit........bleak. im in one of those moods where i can just see the sadness, everyone i look at has empty eyes, i feel like my heart is empty. i talked to my daddy today and then i curled up under the covers and wished i could curl up till i was inverted and my life turned into sparkles...not like die, just pause EVERYTHING for a while, so i could just be without expectations and worries and feelings or even thoughts. i sometimes wish that i was selfish in that way where i was so up myself that i didnt even really realise other people COULD think, let alone care what they could be thinking about. but then those people seem so shallow and retarded in a way where theyll never have any real feeling, so i guess i dont really feel like that.
im getting behind on my college work ALREADY which was oh-so-predictable but has still depressed me.
today i dragged amy and lucas from college to bromley which was a weird combination except that they actually have lots of things in common. i also got an odd urge to delve into my life story in the middle of The Bell and i dont think lucas knew what to do, but he seems sweet and im loving amy. i got back to clares today and misssssed her and felt like we were housemates which i know we are but awww. and jaymes on her way round which is good cos clare is sleeeeeping and i wish i was but i cant because all im doing is thinking about things that are shapeless and dont have any substance. maybe the problem is that im not busy enough and i have too much time to think, except that even when im doing stuff my mind just drifts off, i have no concentration anymore.
and im soo moody recently...i dont know if its cos my hormones or weird, or my life is being weird, or im a bitch, or what, but im not liking it.
i just saw a heartbreaking video of cats and dogs being skinned it was really sick and it made me cry and want to go on a protest.
i feel like everywhere i look is sadness, and deep down i know that there is happiness out there too and im just not seeing it because of my frame of mind, but im finding that really hard to change.
and then i look at people i know and all their suffering and bravery and wonder whats wrong with me, why do i feel the need to saturate myself in situations instead of getting myself up and out and moving on?
its rachels birthday tomorrow and i miss her and love her and couldnt afford to get her a present.
im getting behind on my college work ALREADY which was oh-so-predictable but has still depressed me.
today i dragged amy and lucas from college to bromley which was a weird combination except that they actually have lots of things in common. i also got an odd urge to delve into my life story in the middle of The Bell and i dont think lucas knew what to do, but he seems sweet and im loving amy. i got back to clares today and misssssed her and felt like we were housemates which i know we are but awww. and jaymes on her way round which is good cos clare is sleeeeeping and i wish i was but i cant because all im doing is thinking about things that are shapeless and dont have any substance. maybe the problem is that im not busy enough and i have too much time to think, except that even when im doing stuff my mind just drifts off, i have no concentration anymore.
and im soo moody recently...i dont know if its cos my hormones or weird, or my life is being weird, or im a bitch, or what, but im not liking it.
i just saw a heartbreaking video of cats and dogs being skinned it was really sick and it made me cry and want to go on a protest.
i feel like everywhere i look is sadness, and deep down i know that there is happiness out there too and im just not seeing it because of my frame of mind, but im finding that really hard to change.
and then i look at people i know and all their suffering and bravery and wonder whats wrong with me, why do i feel the need to saturate myself in situations instead of getting myself up and out and moving on?
its rachels birthday tomorrow and i miss her and love her and couldnt afford to get her a present.