*when you're feeling low do you wanna call, when you're on your own does it hurt at all
do you ever think about me*
i miss sixth form
i miss my friends
i miss my family
i miss all the people who made my everyday life more wonderful than i appreciated
i miss vague contentment.
looking back, iwasnt happy in the days im longing for. does this mean im doomed to a life that just gives me more and more regrets?
i know all the positive thinking stuff, and im doing my best i just feel like im choking on my own forced happiness. everyone is NICE and if you said hello first theyd say hello back, theyd lend you a pen, maybe even like your hair. but theres no depth, theres no KNOWING. and i have clarey and jayme and they are wonderful and loving, and all their college people are all NICE i just feel so...hollow. like im waiting for this epiphany to hit me, but maybe the epiphany is that there isnt one coming at all and im just making a fool of myself wallowing in life hoping for some direction to spin me around and take me off this path. but right now i cant see any other paths, i cant make my own.
and besides all that, im sad at my daddy. he never calls, he doesnt care how i am, he knows i have nothing and doesnt mind as long as he has juan. he got hospital results today and i texted him and called him and he didnt reply and juan pretended that she couldnt hear me. as usual. i just feel like im ebbing away, whats the point of loving people that dont love you back, dont even waste their energy on resenting you, just dont even notice you. im like dead wood in the tree of life. (haha that is a little melodramatic i must admit, but i want to leave it there for future amusement at my self pity) and my new 'friends' at college are all nicee but im just any other person to them, a girl they see in lessons twice a week and im all loving them because thats half my lessons, and because i havent been here for a year or two like the rest of them, and im used to a 6th form where i knew and loved them all and they knew if i was sad, and cared and made me laugh and played fun games and cuddled and snuggled and cared. and i know ive led a charmed life in that department up until now, but im just finding it really hard being a nobody. and when i come back to clares all the cator people are at uni or busy with their other halves....i just feel all alone now. and bitter that I dont have this busy exciting life to be getting on with.
this all sounds ungrateful. clare knows how much i love and appreciate her, and that this isnt directed at her or her house. its more....the rest of my life. i feel like a shadow of my old life, like soon i'm going to be bleached away by the sun.
other news, went to brighton in the middle of the night last week, went cinema in bromley and saw TRAUMATISING film (wolf creek) made me cry and is still depressing me, went to liverpool thursday - sunday with jayme and clarey and saw emmmmma<3....and havent done a lot since. i now have a beautiful tinkerbell calculator to match all my college stuff. and i miss my cats so so so much i cant sleep and i just think about them and hope theyre okay and how ill miss them getting older and they wont understand and will think i dont love them anymore and i dont care if this sounds pathetic i feel like a part of me is dead without them.massive family fights, with my mum......issues with rachel....my dad doesnt give a damn and im meant to be seeing the family from norfolk at the weekend and playing happy families in my ex house with my evil stepmother who actually makes me bubble up with rage just thinking about. i feel so much more full of hate and resent, deep down in me, a softness is being squashed and crushed into nothingness, and soon ill have no goodness at all, ill just be cold and hard and hate everything. but at the moment im desperately trying to ignore it and wanting love and laughter more than ever, but i dont have people all around me that could even begin to understand, or are obligated to.
The Cranberries - When You're Gone
Hold on to love. That is what I do,
Now that I've found you.
And from above, everything's stinking,
They're not around you.
And in the night, I could be helpless
I could be lonely, sleeping without you.
And in the day, everything's complex
There's nothing simple, when I'm not around you.
But, I miss you when you're gone.
That is what I do
And it's going to carry on,
That is what I knew
Hold on to my hand,
I feel I'm sinking, sinking without you.
And to my mind, everything's stinking
Stinking without you.
And in the night, I could be helpless,
I could be lonely, sleeping without you.
And in the day, everything's complex,
There's nothing simple, when I'm not around you.
And I miss you when you're gone.
That is what I do,
And it's going to carry on,
That is what I do,
<3
i miss sixth form
i miss my friends
i miss my family
i miss all the people who made my everyday life more wonderful than i appreciated
i miss vague contentment.
looking back, iwasnt happy in the days im longing for. does this mean im doomed to a life that just gives me more and more regrets?
i know all the positive thinking stuff, and im doing my best i just feel like im choking on my own forced happiness. everyone is NICE and if you said hello first theyd say hello back, theyd lend you a pen, maybe even like your hair. but theres no depth, theres no KNOWING. and i have clarey and jayme and they are wonderful and loving, and all their college people are all NICE i just feel so...hollow. like im waiting for this epiphany to hit me, but maybe the epiphany is that there isnt one coming at all and im just making a fool of myself wallowing in life hoping for some direction to spin me around and take me off this path. but right now i cant see any other paths, i cant make my own.
and besides all that, im sad at my daddy. he never calls, he doesnt care how i am, he knows i have nothing and doesnt mind as long as he has juan. he got hospital results today and i texted him and called him and he didnt reply and juan pretended that she couldnt hear me. as usual. i just feel like im ebbing away, whats the point of loving people that dont love you back, dont even waste their energy on resenting you, just dont even notice you. im like dead wood in the tree of life. (haha that is a little melodramatic i must admit, but i want to leave it there for future amusement at my self pity) and my new 'friends' at college are all nicee but im just any other person to them, a girl they see in lessons twice a week and im all loving them because thats half my lessons, and because i havent been here for a year or two like the rest of them, and im used to a 6th form where i knew and loved them all and they knew if i was sad, and cared and made me laugh and played fun games and cuddled and snuggled and cared. and i know ive led a charmed life in that department up until now, but im just finding it really hard being a nobody. and when i come back to clares all the cator people are at uni or busy with their other halves....i just feel all alone now. and bitter that I dont have this busy exciting life to be getting on with.
this all sounds ungrateful. clare knows how much i love and appreciate her, and that this isnt directed at her or her house. its more....the rest of my life. i feel like a shadow of my old life, like soon i'm going to be bleached away by the sun.
other news, went to brighton in the middle of the night last week, went cinema in bromley and saw TRAUMATISING film (wolf creek) made me cry and is still depressing me, went to liverpool thursday - sunday with jayme and clarey and saw emmmmma<3....and havent done a lot since. i now have a beautiful tinkerbell calculator to match all my college stuff. and i miss my cats so so so much i cant sleep and i just think about them and hope theyre okay and how ill miss them getting older and they wont understand and will think i dont love them anymore and i dont care if this sounds pathetic i feel like a part of me is dead without them.massive family fights, with my mum......issues with rachel....my dad doesnt give a damn and im meant to be seeing the family from norfolk at the weekend and playing happy families in my ex house with my evil stepmother who actually makes me bubble up with rage just thinking about. i feel so much more full of hate and resent, deep down in me, a softness is being squashed and crushed into nothingness, and soon ill have no goodness at all, ill just be cold and hard and hate everything. but at the moment im desperately trying to ignore it and wanting love and laughter more than ever, but i dont have people all around me that could even begin to understand, or are obligated to.
The Cranberries - When You're Gone
Hold on to love. That is what I do,
Now that I've found you.
And from above, everything's stinking,
They're not around you.
And in the night, I could be helpless
I could be lonely, sleeping without you.
And in the day, everything's complex
There's nothing simple, when I'm not around you.
But, I miss you when you're gone.
That is what I do
And it's going to carry on,
That is what I knew
Hold on to my hand,
I feel I'm sinking, sinking without you.
And to my mind, everything's stinking
Stinking without you.
And in the night, I could be helpless,
I could be lonely, sleeping without you.
And in the day, everything's complex,
There's nothing simple, when I'm not around you.
And I miss you when you're gone.
That is what I do,
And it's going to carry on,
That is what I do,
<3