Holy shit
It's really amazing how fast life goes by. I remember thinking I had been using livejournal for such a long time when I took that photo and now all I'm thinking is "wow, I must have been fucking young to use a photo like that as my profile pic, especially to think it made me look good" haha what a stupid kid. Looking at that pic just brings back so many memories and emotions. On the streetcar today I actually kept getting this wift resembling that of the Ashbury boys dormitory. Anyway...
Life...right now, seems at such a dead end. I remember writting these things and sometimes end up analyzing my life with so many metaphors. It's funny, as well, how much less meaning everything has now than when it used to. When I was 16, I'd come to a conclusion and that was that. Now everything is just a hypothesis.
Anyway, back to the basics. Things have been pretty lame lately. Before my trip to Ottawa things were pretty hectic, trying to work as many hours as possible and basically working all of the time. Montreal was pretty much one big stress ball...I mean it was fun. But just knowing that I was ready to throw so much money out the window was stressing me out at the back of my head. Even though I promised myself a large budget for the trip and ended up recieving a couple hundred dollars in the mail from the government unexpectedly. The first night was good. Unity...the familiar Montreal bar. Ended up meeting people and having good times after as well, which is always a mission accomplished in regards to a good night out. The other thing that was stressing me out was how I was allowing myself to drink a couple nights in a row. At this stage of my life, drinking has just become a liability. It's a shame too because its something I would have enjoyed so much at this age had I not abused the recreation when I was younger. There are now so many factors that keep me from drinking. It reminds me of when I had my whole debate about smoking pot, whether it was something I should continue pursuing and get into, or something I should avoid. Whether it was good for me or not. It's hard to give up something you love that's bad for you. I can't imagine how people give up so many things later in life. So the rest of the trip, for me was basically just a stressball. The whole meeting with ricky's cousin and her annoyingly arrogant friends was such a buzzkill. I could have gotten along with them, but I felt like I was 14 again and had something to hide. Her cousin know's he's gay but he's not officially "out" to her. Which is the stupidest concept ever....how not being out to people just makes situations impossible to deal with. Whether you're 16 or 46. I hate when I get into those antisocial funks though...it's one of those things that I've never been able to overcome despite my confidence levels. That night the clubs we went to all sucked and got drunk in a very strange and negative manor. The next day we basically just had lunch and missed the parade. All in all, I don't regret it, because I got to spend some much needed quality time with ricky. And in my case, with ricky, even the most amount of quality time isn't enough.
Coming back to Ottawa was good as well, but I just had so many plans in my head. Even at the cottage I couldn't really relax. My dad and mike were working on the new sunroom and I felt like a slug for just lying around. Of course Dad recognized that I was just up there for a rest but I couldn't help to think that Mike thought I was being lazy. I feel like if I had a vag I could get so much more R&R done at the cottage. Saw all of the grandparents. Saw candouche. Also saw her new place in Shitsville which was rly nice, but something about it seemed so wrong. It reminded me of when you're playing the sims and you finally have enough money to buy that bigger, nicer house at the other side of the neighbourhood and once your sims are settled in there...you're all of a sudden bored of playing. Haha best comparison ever.
Went out with Ricky and Matt on thursday which was definitely something I wanted to do. Of course I drank too much though. Chilling with Matt is totally dangerous because he just feeds you free booze. The night was a blur, but I mean whatever. That seems to happen everytime I drink now...another reason why I want to stop. Next day I left...which was relieving. Th bus ride was HORRIBLE though. Worst one yet. The whole bus smelt mildly of shit coming from the bathroom, of course I was sitting right at the back as usual. The smell only got worse and by the end of the trip I had a massive headache and people around me were gagging. Meanwhile I had a talker sitting next to me...all spiritual and life lesson-ish as well. Which would have been cool minus my mood and the foul smell. She was on her way to a ehabilitation center somewhere in the middle of nowhere. I really do wish her well.
So now here I am....the real bitching will start tomorrow. This felt really good so far though.
Life...right now, seems at such a dead end. I remember writting these things and sometimes end up analyzing my life with so many metaphors. It's funny, as well, how much less meaning everything has now than when it used to. When I was 16, I'd come to a conclusion and that was that. Now everything is just a hypothesis.
Anyway, back to the basics. Things have been pretty lame lately. Before my trip to Ottawa things were pretty hectic, trying to work as many hours as possible and basically working all of the time. Montreal was pretty much one big stress ball...I mean it was fun. But just knowing that I was ready to throw so much money out the window was stressing me out at the back of my head. Even though I promised myself a large budget for the trip and ended up recieving a couple hundred dollars in the mail from the government unexpectedly. The first night was good. Unity...the familiar Montreal bar. Ended up meeting people and having good times after as well, which is always a mission accomplished in regards to a good night out. The other thing that was stressing me out was how I was allowing myself to drink a couple nights in a row. At this stage of my life, drinking has just become a liability. It's a shame too because its something I would have enjoyed so much at this age had I not abused the recreation when I was younger. There are now so many factors that keep me from drinking. It reminds me of when I had my whole debate about smoking pot, whether it was something I should continue pursuing and get into, or something I should avoid. Whether it was good for me or not. It's hard to give up something you love that's bad for you. I can't imagine how people give up so many things later in life. So the rest of the trip, for me was basically just a stressball. The whole meeting with ricky's cousin and her annoyingly arrogant friends was such a buzzkill. I could have gotten along with them, but I felt like I was 14 again and had something to hide. Her cousin know's he's gay but he's not officially "out" to her. Which is the stupidest concept ever....how not being out to people just makes situations impossible to deal with. Whether you're 16 or 46. I hate when I get into those antisocial funks though...it's one of those things that I've never been able to overcome despite my confidence levels. That night the clubs we went to all sucked and got drunk in a very strange and negative manor. The next day we basically just had lunch and missed the parade. All in all, I don't regret it, because I got to spend some much needed quality time with ricky. And in my case, with ricky, even the most amount of quality time isn't enough.
Coming back to Ottawa was good as well, but I just had so many plans in my head. Even at the cottage I couldn't really relax. My dad and mike were working on the new sunroom and I felt like a slug for just lying around. Of course Dad recognized that I was just up there for a rest but I couldn't help to think that Mike thought I was being lazy. I feel like if I had a vag I could get so much more R&R done at the cottage. Saw all of the grandparents. Saw candouche. Also saw her new place in Shitsville which was rly nice, but something about it seemed so wrong. It reminded me of when you're playing the sims and you finally have enough money to buy that bigger, nicer house at the other side of the neighbourhood and once your sims are settled in there...you're all of a sudden bored of playing. Haha best comparison ever.
Went out with Ricky and Matt on thursday which was definitely something I wanted to do. Of course I drank too much though. Chilling with Matt is totally dangerous because he just feeds you free booze. The night was a blur, but I mean whatever. That seems to happen everytime I drink now...another reason why I want to stop. Next day I left...which was relieving. Th bus ride was HORRIBLE though. Worst one yet. The whole bus smelt mildly of shit coming from the bathroom, of course I was sitting right at the back as usual. The smell only got worse and by the end of the trip I had a massive headache and people around me were gagging. Meanwhile I had a talker sitting next to me...all spiritual and life lesson-ish as well. Which would have been cool minus my mood and the foul smell. She was on her way to a ehabilitation center somewhere in the middle of nowhere. I really do wish her well.
So now here I am....the real bitching will start tomorrow. This felt really good so far though.