Never enough . . .
I was watching some show today on the television and there was this girl (kirsten dunst) and she was saying what my heart felt. I know that I screw everything up and I know that I am not perfect but can't you just love me? -- is it so hard to do???
My disclaimer for this entry is that i am not a fan of pity parties, but i am tired. Tired of being strong and always having to be the example when there is no one who i can say that i look up to, everyone is either superficial or they have very happy lives or they are just as incredibly fucked up as i am.
I guess that I am just tired of always feeling like I have to be everything to everyone and i am tired of striving after perfection which is so clear yet so ambiguous and ever so out of reach.
I just want things to work. I want something to go just as I want it to. But, nothing ever does. Everything has to be a struggle. While graduating was great, I am still not 100% finished because of the fucking papers and I was supposed to get together with one of my ex's within the next couple of days and he was going to come to anchorage and i talked with him tonight and he told me that he is not coming. I have been staying with my cousins who treat me as though they love me -- and they do. But their marriage is falling apart and they both turn to me for what to do. I love them and I want what is best for them and I hope for what is best for them but I just dont know what it is.
And I am going to alaska, and granted that is better than lying awake all night at my grandparents in expectation that my grandfather will again come to me for sexual pleasure, I know that Alaska is a place where i am on my own, where my mother is close enough to break my heart, and where i am forever a failure before my aunt who is never satisfied with just me.
I am sorry for coming to y'all but I know that you are perhaps the only people who understand, even a little and can emphasize with me. I am sorry that I am such a wimp and that i am always upset and complaining, i just wish things would just work. I feel like two and two are not four when looking through my eyes and that must mean that I am screwing up somewhere and that I am not trying hard enough. but alas, i am just tired.
I hate my life as much as i try to make it better, and as hard as i fight for what is right, i just cant do it. it is such a difficult realization but i guess that my mother is right, i am just not enough, 2+2=??? shit i guess ???
My disclaimer for this entry is that i am not a fan of pity parties, but i am tired. Tired of being strong and always having to be the example when there is no one who i can say that i look up to, everyone is either superficial or they have very happy lives or they are just as incredibly fucked up as i am.
I guess that I am just tired of always feeling like I have to be everything to everyone and i am tired of striving after perfection which is so clear yet so ambiguous and ever so out of reach.
I just want things to work. I want something to go just as I want it to. But, nothing ever does. Everything has to be a struggle. While graduating was great, I am still not 100% finished because of the fucking papers and I was supposed to get together with one of my ex's within the next couple of days and he was going to come to anchorage and i talked with him tonight and he told me that he is not coming. I have been staying with my cousins who treat me as though they love me -- and they do. But their marriage is falling apart and they both turn to me for what to do. I love them and I want what is best for them and I hope for what is best for them but I just dont know what it is.
And I am going to alaska, and granted that is better than lying awake all night at my grandparents in expectation that my grandfather will again come to me for sexual pleasure, I know that Alaska is a place where i am on my own, where my mother is close enough to break my heart, and where i am forever a failure before my aunt who is never satisfied with just me.
I am sorry for coming to y'all but I know that you are perhaps the only people who understand, even a little and can emphasize with me. I am sorry that I am such a wimp and that i am always upset and complaining, i just wish things would just work. I feel like two and two are not four when looking through my eyes and that must mean that I am screwing up somewhere and that I am not trying hard enough. but alas, i am just tired.
I hate my life as much as i try to make it better, and as hard as i fight for what is right, i just cant do it. it is such a difficult realization but i guess that my mother is right, i am just not enough, 2+2=??? shit i guess ???