Tired of being fat
Ever since i have been in Alaska I have hated myself more, and been more intense about how i dont eat. I hate it, I hate living at home and feeling like i am always being watched. My mother looked at the scale when I was in the Doc's office on Friday and exclaimed, 123 -- blah blah blah, no biggie right? Well then she is telling me that i have a fat ass and that i am too fat and maybe i should go on the fucking atkins diet. Blah, blah blah, well then she is telling me that i dont eat enough, i just want to be left alone, i can handle myself.
But another reason that i have been so fucked up lately is because i am in the worlds smallest no nothing town where my best gal pal and i are the two best looking girls around, so we can choose any guy that we want and then have them -- as horrible as that sounds, please dont judge me for saying that, as i have taken only taken up two of the multiplicity of guys for a random make-out. But, I have been trying to be very good, but we are very wanted girls, we make an appearance at the bar and we have never ever bought our own alcohol. again, please dont judge me for this.
But the point being, most people in my situation would feel more comfortable with the way that they look, however with the recognition that if i were in a city in the lower 48 then this would not be the case, at least not as extreme anyhow. I have never really paid for my alcohol when i go out, random guys always do, but here it is lots of alcohol. I have been here two weeks to the day and i am talking at least over 200.00. But it makes me fiercely insecure because i feel like I would not be good enough for them if i were not in a village in Alaska.So i feel like I need to keep losing in order to live with myself.
I eat less here and between friday and monday lost about 3 lbs, as i had to go back to the doctors again on monday. I tried to tell myself that it was simply water weight but i know that all of my clothes are too big and even the newer smaller sized pants are hanging off of me. I bought them small so that i had some thinspiration.
Also, my heart rate and my blood pressure have seriously been fluctuating, and when i was in the docs office i was reading an old magazine and there was a huge thing about ephedra and all of these people that suffered major heart attacks or stroke or even just died, the only reason that i second guess is because i am having all of my wisdom teeth taken out tomorrow and so i am a little apprehensive about it.
I hope that it will all be fine and dandy. But the good thing is that i cannot go out this weekend which gives me a break from all of the boys . . . a much needed break.
Don't y'all ever just get tired of always feeling like its never enough, i cant remember the last time that i weigh 120, it was probably middle school, i was a fatty. i am wearing pants that i could not fit into when i was in high school, i bought them anticipating losing weight and never did, they are a little out dated but they work just fine for up here in the sticks. Even the small pants that I bought last summer and could not wear again until now are loose. But I feel so much fatter tha i ever felt before and there is no one here who understands . . . when will enough be enough to make me satisfied . . . 5'8 and 120 it looks ok on other people, but not in my mirror . . .
But another reason that i have been so fucked up lately is because i am in the worlds smallest no nothing town where my best gal pal and i are the two best looking girls around, so we can choose any guy that we want and then have them -- as horrible as that sounds, please dont judge me for saying that, as i have taken only taken up two of the multiplicity of guys for a random make-out. But, I have been trying to be very good, but we are very wanted girls, we make an appearance at the bar and we have never ever bought our own alcohol. again, please dont judge me for this.
But the point being, most people in my situation would feel more comfortable with the way that they look, however with the recognition that if i were in a city in the lower 48 then this would not be the case, at least not as extreme anyhow. I have never really paid for my alcohol when i go out, random guys always do, but here it is lots of alcohol. I have been here two weeks to the day and i am talking at least over 200.00. But it makes me fiercely insecure because i feel like I would not be good enough for them if i were not in a village in Alaska.So i feel like I need to keep losing in order to live with myself.
I eat less here and between friday and monday lost about 3 lbs, as i had to go back to the doctors again on monday. I tried to tell myself that it was simply water weight but i know that all of my clothes are too big and even the newer smaller sized pants are hanging off of me. I bought them small so that i had some thinspiration.
Also, my heart rate and my blood pressure have seriously been fluctuating, and when i was in the docs office i was reading an old magazine and there was a huge thing about ephedra and all of these people that suffered major heart attacks or stroke or even just died, the only reason that i second guess is because i am having all of my wisdom teeth taken out tomorrow and so i am a little apprehensive about it.
I hope that it will all be fine and dandy. But the good thing is that i cannot go out this weekend which gives me a break from all of the boys . . . a much needed break.
Don't y'all ever just get tired of always feeling like its never enough, i cant remember the last time that i weigh 120, it was probably middle school, i was a fatty. i am wearing pants that i could not fit into when i was in high school, i bought them anticipating losing weight and never did, they are a little out dated but they work just fine for up here in the sticks. Even the small pants that I bought last summer and could not wear again until now are loose. But I feel so much fatter tha i ever felt before and there is no one here who understands . . . when will enough be enough to make me satisfied . . . 5'8 and 120 it looks ok on other people, but not in my mirror . . .