oh look at that...
Title: Hello
Length: 13/?
Pairing: Yunjae
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama
Warnings: mental illness, romanticizing mental illness, self harm, mentions of abuse, prescription drug use, attempted suicide, thoughts of suicide, age gap, dub-con (non sexual), and possibly many others.
Disclaimer: i am not a psychiatrist. i haven't been to med school yet and although i have done month's worth of research on this topic, it is nowhere near perfect and i pretty much still have no idea what i'm doing. the medications i will use are real, the side effects that come with these medications are real. however, without talking to a psychiatrist who knows my fictional Jaejoong's unique situation, everything i have done in this fic may be completely wrong. please don't take what you learn from this fic as fact. i took a lot of artistic liberties with some of these things as well. i have romanticized Jaejoong's condition. Yunho violates almost every rule in the book, plays with the lines on concent in some cases, and sometimes completely crosses them (in non-sexual ways). this story is for fictional purposes only.
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane
Author's Note: does anyone still read this anymore? yeah? no?
{ Chapter 1} { Chapter 2} { Chapter 3} { Chapter 4} { Chapter 5} { Chapter 6} { Chapter 7} { Chapter 8} { Chapter 9} { Chapter 10a} { Chapter 10b} { Chapter 11} { Chapter 12}
“Tell me why… and I’ll let you finish.”
A full-on shiver made its way through Jaejoong’s body at my words. His trembling hand sought refuge clutching at my thigh while the other tightened around my fingers. “I… can’t,” he forced out, gripping my pants tighter and visibly clenching his teeth.
I dropped my voice and leaned forward to let my throat vibrate against his skin, pitching myself at just the right level to bring out what I wanted. “You can.”
All the dirty fantasies I’d tried to suppress suddenly burst through their chains as Jaejoong let a breathless little moan slip past his lips. Countless images flashed before my eyes and lust burned deep in the pit of my stomach, fueling my desire and making me only more determined to get this over with. My body worked on its own, canting my hips up and pressing an open mouthed kiss to Jaejoong’s neck.
He loved it.
Desperate pants assaulted my shoulder as Jaejoong struggled to find words. His own desire pressed insistently against my thigh, and I knew I had him. “I… I want to,” he admitted with a shaky breath. “I like this.”
I hummed.
“U-know likes this.”
“Yes… Yunho likes this a lot,” I purred. “But you have to tell me Jaejoong: why is that different?”
My tongue dragging along the shell of Jaejoong’s ear delayed his response, drawing a shuddering moan from his lips instead. The sound spurred me on and I knew I was losing control. Losing sense. My hips lifted and ground against him in a slow, steady rhythm, pressing flush against him only to pull away and return with more force- more burn. “I don’t… I don’t like… with him… you’re not… doing that…” Jaejoong babbled between thrusts. His chest heaved with pent-up release, and I was just waiting for him to beg for it.
I no longer cared about the words that left his panting mouth or that I shouldn’t be shamelessly taking advantage of my patient in the same bed I’d slept with another woman in; all I wanted was to see him- watch his face as the pleasure became too much for the both of us and witness euphoria dance in his eyes when desire consumed him completely.
My own want flared at the mere thought and I knew the end was near. Jaejoong’s nails scraped helplessly down my thigh, desperate to find purchase anywhere that would keep him grounded to this world, but it was all in vain. My lips had returned to mouth at a birthmark just below his jawline as my hips pushed up in a particularly well-angled thrust, and he lost it.
The most beautiful sound I’d ever heard escaped his gasping lips as his body went rigid- a high pitched, trembling wail that went straight to my cock and pushed me over the edge with him. The force of it slammed our bodies against each other, every inch of skin burning for more contact as we rode out our high together. My eyes could barely hold themselves open through the overwhelming pleasure that was crashing over me, but I refused to let them shut. I needed to engrave that face in my memory forever- every curve, every line, every single detail of Jaejoong’s flushed skin that was displayed before me.
I drank it all in greedily before I let my lips cover his and swallowed the rest of his soft mewls, the solid press dissolving into slow, lingering kisses as we floated back down to Earth. Contentment thrummed through my veins as my fingers twined into Jaejoong’s soft hair, tugging ever so slightly when he dropped his head to rest on my shoulder and let our panting breaths fill the silence.
My body was sated- so much more than it had been when I was finished with Hyori- but a part of me still wanted more. I knew exactly what it was I yearned for, but for now I was content with just this; the feeling that rushed through me as I held Jaejoong in my arms and watched the edges of exhaustion nag at his tired mind was nothing short of incredible. He fell under the spell of sleep slowly, tension gradually easing out of his fingers until they lay limp in my hold.
I wanted to stay that way all night. Realistically, I still had a good two hours or so of paperwork I needed to catch up on before I could call it a night, and the fact that Jaejoong had passed out so quickly after such a… light activity concerned me a bit, but my muscles refused to move. As much as I knew I shouldn’t have, I decided to put off my work for tonight and made a deal with myself: be with Jaejoong tonight, pick up the slack tomorrow. It was such an easy decision to make at the time… I just had no idea how badly I would regret it not two hours later.
The anxiety hit me first. I’d carefully rolled Jaejoong off of me and adjusted his position, cradling him to my side as I let his steady breath fan out against my neck. After finally taking the edge off of my insane desire, I figured spending another night with him next to me would be easy. And for a while, it was. I didn’t mind the stickiness of my boxers until they were almost dry and the oxytocin had mostly cleared from my system, but then the feeling of it was all I could think about.
Did Jaejoong feel it too? Did it bother him at all? What would he think when he woke up? Should I move? What if I wake him up? Are our clothes ruined? Would he care? How long have we been like this?
The thoughts consumed me. My heart raced and I was horrified that Jaejoong could hear it hammering in my rib cage- the fluttering beat of unwarranted terror sounding like a thunderstorm in my ears. My chest was ready to explode from the apprehension… but then it shifted. Guilt seeped through the anxiety, mutating and amplifying it until a sheen of sweat coated my skin.
What had I done?
My hand trembled on Jaejoong’s scarred shoulder, conflicted between recoiling in horror and staying still to keep him from suspecting anything. Every point of contact with him burned me to the core, disgust for my actions running wild and making me sick.
I’d lost control. I swore to myself I wouldn’t do this, but I completely lost it. I failed him, failed myself, failed everything. I couldn’t even bring myself to look at the innocent boy I’d corrupted, but the images that plagued me when I closed my eyes were worse; his bright smile when he walked into my office, his submissive eyes giving in to everything I wanted… He trusted me. Followed blindly until I got what I wanted. Never doubted me.
I could scarcely breathe with the weight of this horrible guilt crushing my chest, but the feelings didn’t stop. Desire slowly crept into the mixture as I stared at Jaejoong’s pale face, completely smooth as he slept. Defenseless. I could have woken him up, traced wet kisses down his neck until he blinked bleary eyes up at me and smiled. I could have pressed my mouth against his and wrapped my fingers around his wrists. His still kiss-swollen lips would part willingly without me having to say a word, his mouth giving in without hesitation. He wouldn’t be able to refuse me anything; he wouldn’t want to.
The new fantasy smothered me with unbearable lust- the guilt and anxiety drowned by the massive wave of it suddenly crashing over me. My fingers no longer burned to get away from him but to touch more. I wanted to trace every single line of Jaejoong’s gorgeous body- with my fingers, my tongue, anything- just to feel him squirm beneath me. Within minutes I was almost painfully hard from just imagining what it would be like to take him for real… and at that point, I couldn’t stand it anymore.
Every ounce of shattering willpower went into pulling myself away from his limp form, all concerns about him waking up gone as I raced to the bathroom. I made quick work of finishing myself off before sliding to the floor in a miserable heap of regret and shame, body shaking and mind running at a million miles a second. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t move.
I lost all sense of time while sitting on this bathroom floor. Maybe I’ve been in here for hours- maybe only a few minutes. At some point I must have composed myself enough to return to my room for this stupid journal and stop shaking enough to actually write legible sentences, but I really have no idea how. I don’t know what the fuck came over me; I just know for certain that I never want to go through that kind of torture again.
All that mental anguish and rapidly shifting emotions have left me absolutely exhausted, almost to the point that I can’t see straight anymore. I need to stop. I need to go to bed. But I can’t- he’s still there.
February 28, 2003
Entry Ninety-Five
I practically had sex with Jaejoong last night. Holy fuck.
February 28, 2003
Entry Ninety-Six
I’m tired. Last night was such a mess…
I wish I could say that I don’t remember what I did, but honestly, it comes back to me with striking clarity. Jaejoong wasn’t exactly subtle in reminding me about it either.
The first thing I could think of when I put my pen down was that I needed sleep. Desperately. Good things never come from me being sleep deprived, and I really didn’t need to add to the pile of shit that was already sitting on my conscience.
Everything tipped sideways for a moment as I extracted myself from the bathroom floor and I shakily rose to my feet. I didn’t know where I was going to go, so I ended up aimlessly wandering my house until my feet brought me back to my room on their own accord. Jaejoong was still sound asleep nestled into my pillows, completely oblivious to the mental turmoil I’d suffered through all night because of him. His fingers were lightly curled around the edge of my blanket and an expression of absolute calm had settled over his features; for a moment, I couldn’t even breathe.
He stayed perfectly still as I watched him in silence, only stirring when I caved in and collapsed beside him. I put the last of my energy into perching on the very edge of my bed, as far away from Jaejoong as physically possible in such a small space. Still, his outstretched arm brought his fingertips dangerously close to my face, and I was powerless to do anything about it. With mute desire thrumming through my veins and guilt towering over my mind, I fell into a fitful, dreamless sleep.
When my eyes opened again Jaejoong was already sitting straight up in bed, body still and face horribly pale. His wide eyes were fixed on the sheets covering his lower body and white knuckles gripped the comforter.
“Jaejoong-ah?” I muttered as I shifted slightly to face him. His chest rose and fell with deep, shuddering breaths and his lips trembled as he formed words.
“He’s angry,” Jaejoong whispered.
Muscles protested as I raised my arms to press my fingertips to the headboard, an unconscious sigh leaving my lips. “Angry about what?” I asked absent-mindedly as I continued to stretch in my limited space.
My mind hadn’t woken up enough to fully grasp our situation quite yet. All I could think about was how beautiful Jaejoong looked with sleep-tousled hair sticking to his porcelain skin, but when he lifted an unsteady hand to point to his jeans that had somehow magically made their way to the other side of the room, it all came rushing back. The desire, the almost sex, the guilt- all of it flooded over me in a tidal wave of emotion and self-hatred.
The sudden weight of it momentarily knocked me off balance and sent a jolt of nausea through my stomach, tilting Jaejoong’s frozen image and forcing my eyes to close. “Jaejoong… I’m so-” I began, but was quickly cut off.
“He’s right, isn’t he?!” Jaejoong suddenly shouted, stiffening his arm and clutching the sheets more tightly. “He is!”
“I don’t know what you-”
“I’m not allowed! I was never allowed. It makes me ugly! Terrible! Only whores are allowed to enjoy it!” he screamed as his arms suddenly jerked away from his body, sheets still clutched tightly between delicate fingers.
My eyes snapped open. “Jaejoong what ar-”
“That’s all you’ve ever been!” Jaejoong screamed, fingers tearing at the sheets as tears gathered in his eyes. “Useless, disgusting whore! Burn in hell!” The accusations flew from his lips as strangled sobs and his entire body shook with the sheer force of them. Something within me snapped.
Without thinking, I drew Jaejoong’s rigid form into my arms, holding him securely when he began writhing and screaming obscenities at an enemy I could not see. His body contorted in any way it could to get away from me, but I wasn’t going to have it. “Look at me Jaejoong!” I shouted as his thin arms pushed against mine in vain, nails desperate to scrape at flesh he couldn’t reach. “I said look-at-me!”
His head snapped to the side at my repeated command, and his struggling weakened the slightest bit. “Look at me Jae…” I said again and again, lowering my voice more as his thrashing dwindled to nothing and his eyes finally rose to look at my face.
“You’re not useless Jaejoong,” I spoke softly as my breath ghosted over his chapped lips and fingers loosened their hold. “You are not a whore, you are not disgusting… You aren’t any of those things, do you understand me? Don’t you dare let anyone tell you otherwise. I don’t care what he says Jaejoong; he is wrong. Don’t ever doubt that.”
My voice shook with every word that escaped my lips, but Jaejoong stopped. His shoulders relaxed and his entire body molded into mine in a lifeless heap, sobs going quiet and eyes losing their focus. Our lips were only centimeters apart as he whispered to me: “You’re lying.”
Those two little words have haunted me all day, scratching at the edges of my brain like tiny mice with nothing better to eat than my sanity. I didn’t answer him. I didn’t stay with him. Not ten seconds after the words had hit my ears had Jaejoong’s head hit my shoulder and sleep overcame him once again.
I’m still shaking. I never stopped.
He watched me with empty, haunted eyes as I stumbled my way through making breakfast and getting ready to leave. It was like being with an entirely different person than he had been just a few hours before.
Had I pushed him too far? Is that what he really thinks of being with me- that it makes him a… disgusting whore? No. He… Jaejoong wanted what we did last night… Didn’t he? He initiated everything. He tempted me first. I tried to stop him. He was the one that moaned my name and came from my touch.
But none of that matters. I should have known better. I should have been in control. He’s my patient- practically a child- and can’t make these decisions for himself God damnit. This is my fault- it doesn’t matter how much I try to put the blame on someone else, I’m the one responsible for what happened. How could I have been so stupid? So selfish?
I can’t… I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t understand how I let myself get so far down into this hole I’ve dug for the both of us; all I know is that we need to get out and I really, truly don’t know how. Sure, I can say that I’m going to be professional from now on, but how long will that actually last? A few days? A few hours? A few minutes? What will happen tonight when we start the whole process over again? I can’t control myself. I know I can’t. I’ve tried to delude myself into thinking that I could maintain this tepid balance between being a lover and a psychiatrist, and my failure to do so is only making everyone suffer.
People who should have never been involved are paying for my mistakes: my other patients, their families, Hyori… Hyori. Fuck.
She was on her feet the second she saw me walking up the sidewalk toward the glass doors, Jaejoong in tow but still eerily silent. Despite her thick makeup, I could still see the dark circles adorning her concerned eyes and immediately regretted everything I had ever put her through. Her slight bow to Jaejoong went unreturned, but I doubt she cared; her gaze was focused solely on me.
“Jaejoong-shii’s mother has already arrived,” she said a she gestured to the woman sitting in the corner of the lobby, eyes still trained the top button of my collar. The pair left without Jaejoong saying a word and Hyori took it as her cue to let everything out. “I was worried about you yesterday,” she admitted after only a few beats of silence. “You didn’t answer your phone.”
“I’m sorry. I was just… sleeping it off. I’m fine now,” I answered with a tight smile, edging my way toward my office as Hyori fretted over what to say next. Her pretty little mouth opened and shut around words she couldn’t bring herself to say, and before she finally made up her mind I was already opening my office door and sticking one foot through. “Is there anything I need to attend to that I missed yesterday?” I asked with my hand on the door handle.
She shook her head and that was that.
I know it was rude. I know it was insensitive. But I had bigger, much more pressing issues to deal with than someone who was putting too much meaning into a drunken romp between the sheets. I really do care for her, but… I couldn’t afford to focus on that today; there was already way too much on my mind.
Gut-churning guilt spurred me into getting a significant chunk of work done after seeing the state my sudden absence yesterday had left Henry in. Had I been paying more attention to him the past few weeks, I would have known that he’d been skimping on his medication lately and remembered that I meant to up his dose of anti-anxiety meds a little over a month ago.
But this revelation got me started: one correction led to another as I edited his case file and moved on to other patients, several of which needed their medications adjusted as well. I ran on complete autopilot as I forced myself to spew out words onto the pages, pointedly ignoring the waves of exhaustion and mental turmoil threatening to spill over the dam I’d put up during my time with Henry. It took me about three hours in total to make all of the necessary corrections (with pauses in between for sessions of course,) and once I began to feel the dull ache in my wrist from the excessive writing I remembered just how long it had been since I’d actually worked on any other case than Jaejoong’s. Granted, my handwriting was sloppy as hell from my shaking hands and I’ll most likely have to go over everything again to make sure it’s actually correct instead of the mindless babble it’s all bound to be, but it was the closest I’ve been in ages to putting real effort into this again.
Just as I was about to call the pharmacy to make the prescription adjustments, another thought flitted through my mind and made my hand freeze in midair above my phone. The little whisper taunted me with it mixture of truth and temptation, and I knew that no matter how dangerous the train of thought was, I couldn’t ignore it.
Jaejoong was still my patient. He still needed medication.
As torturous as last night may have been, yesterday was still largely successful in providing the information I need to at least start Jaejoong off on something. It was very clear to me from the beginning that I needed to put him on some type of antianxiety (although not nearly as strong as the ones for Henry,) an antipsychotic, and possibly a mild antidepressant. The extra research was more about determining what types of these meds in which combinations would be the most suitable for him to start with given the state of his condition and the history behind it.
Since- as far as his medical history and his mother have told me- he’s never been on any kind of prescription drugs before, I don’t have to worry about giving him something that would conflict with a current medication, but I need to be careful with overloading him with all of this. It’s hard enough to get psychiatric patients to stick with their medicine, and given Jaejoong’s young age, condition, and overall circumstances, it’s going to be a challenge to get him mentally prepared for using them consistently long-term and the side effects that go with it. The desired effects can take a few weeks to fully kick in, but it’s entirely possible that the side effects will start sooner and he’ll lose the motivation to stick with them until the hallucinations and other symptoms start to go away.
For this reason, I decided to start him off with a moderately low dose of Ziprazidone for the next six to eight weeks, and given the nature of the drug, I’m foregoing the antianxiety medications for now. Ziprazidone is somewhat of a “starter” antipsychotic for schizophrenic patients like Jaejoong and since it has fewer adverse side effects than some of my other options, it’s a good place to start and I can always change it if things don’t go well. Of course, regardless of what the chances for negative side effects are, I’ll still have to watch him closely for the next few months to make sure he’s progressing well and see where adjustments need to be made. Which, for any other case, would be just fine. For Jaejoong’s… not so much.
Now that I desperately need to get my focus away from Jaejoong, it’s crucial to his health and general wellbeing that I pay special attention to him. It’ll be a completely different type of attention, but given my current track record, I’m not entirely sure I’ll be able to make the distinction.
His session is still a few hours away, but I’m dreading the hours to come. I don’t know how I’m going to react- I don’t know how he’s going to react- and I still have two more nights scheduled with him. But then again… after the episode we had this morning, I’m not even sure he’ll even come tonight at all.
A/N: so it's been a while... nothing like starting off a chapter with almost-porn to celebrate a hiatus break, no? ;] not leaving spots (aside from two) because i really don't know who even reads this anymore/ who is still on livejournal anymore. let me know if you want one in the future :3
Length: 13/?
Pairing: Yunjae
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama
Warnings: mental illness, romanticizing mental illness, self harm, mentions of abuse, prescription drug use, attempted suicide, thoughts of suicide, age gap, dub-con (non sexual), and possibly many others.
Disclaimer: i am not a psychiatrist. i haven't been to med school yet and although i have done month's worth of research on this topic, it is nowhere near perfect and i pretty much still have no idea what i'm doing. the medications i will use are real, the side effects that come with these medications are real. however, without talking to a psychiatrist who knows my fictional Jaejoong's unique situation, everything i have done in this fic may be completely wrong. please don't take what you learn from this fic as fact. i took a lot of artistic liberties with some of these things as well. i have romanticized Jaejoong's condition. Yunho violates almost every rule in the book, plays with the lines on concent in some cases, and sometimes completely crosses them (in non-sexual ways). this story is for fictional purposes only.
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane
Author's Note: does anyone still read this anymore? yeah? no?
{ Chapter 1} { Chapter 2} { Chapter 3} { Chapter 4} { Chapter 5} { Chapter 6} { Chapter 7} { Chapter 8} { Chapter 9} { Chapter 10a} { Chapter 10b} { Chapter 11} { Chapter 12}
“Tell me why… and I’ll let you finish.”
A full-on shiver made its way through Jaejoong’s body at my words. His trembling hand sought refuge clutching at my thigh while the other tightened around my fingers. “I… can’t,” he forced out, gripping my pants tighter and visibly clenching his teeth.
I dropped my voice and leaned forward to let my throat vibrate against his skin, pitching myself at just the right level to bring out what I wanted. “You can.”
All the dirty fantasies I’d tried to suppress suddenly burst through their chains as Jaejoong let a breathless little moan slip past his lips. Countless images flashed before my eyes and lust burned deep in the pit of my stomach, fueling my desire and making me only more determined to get this over with. My body worked on its own, canting my hips up and pressing an open mouthed kiss to Jaejoong’s neck.
He loved it.
Desperate pants assaulted my shoulder as Jaejoong struggled to find words. His own desire pressed insistently against my thigh, and I knew I had him. “I… I want to,” he admitted with a shaky breath. “I like this.”
I hummed.
“U-know likes this.”
“Yes… Yunho likes this a lot,” I purred. “But you have to tell me Jaejoong: why is that different?”
My tongue dragging along the shell of Jaejoong’s ear delayed his response, drawing a shuddering moan from his lips instead. The sound spurred me on and I knew I was losing control. Losing sense. My hips lifted and ground against him in a slow, steady rhythm, pressing flush against him only to pull away and return with more force- more burn. “I don’t… I don’t like… with him… you’re not… doing that…” Jaejoong babbled between thrusts. His chest heaved with pent-up release, and I was just waiting for him to beg for it.
I no longer cared about the words that left his panting mouth or that I shouldn’t be shamelessly taking advantage of my patient in the same bed I’d slept with another woman in; all I wanted was to see him- watch his face as the pleasure became too much for the both of us and witness euphoria dance in his eyes when desire consumed him completely.
My own want flared at the mere thought and I knew the end was near. Jaejoong’s nails scraped helplessly down my thigh, desperate to find purchase anywhere that would keep him grounded to this world, but it was all in vain. My lips had returned to mouth at a birthmark just below his jawline as my hips pushed up in a particularly well-angled thrust, and he lost it.
The most beautiful sound I’d ever heard escaped his gasping lips as his body went rigid- a high pitched, trembling wail that went straight to my cock and pushed me over the edge with him. The force of it slammed our bodies against each other, every inch of skin burning for more contact as we rode out our high together. My eyes could barely hold themselves open through the overwhelming pleasure that was crashing over me, but I refused to let them shut. I needed to engrave that face in my memory forever- every curve, every line, every single detail of Jaejoong’s flushed skin that was displayed before me.
I drank it all in greedily before I let my lips cover his and swallowed the rest of his soft mewls, the solid press dissolving into slow, lingering kisses as we floated back down to Earth. Contentment thrummed through my veins as my fingers twined into Jaejoong’s soft hair, tugging ever so slightly when he dropped his head to rest on my shoulder and let our panting breaths fill the silence.
My body was sated- so much more than it had been when I was finished with Hyori- but a part of me still wanted more. I knew exactly what it was I yearned for, but for now I was content with just this; the feeling that rushed through me as I held Jaejoong in my arms and watched the edges of exhaustion nag at his tired mind was nothing short of incredible. He fell under the spell of sleep slowly, tension gradually easing out of his fingers until they lay limp in my hold.
I wanted to stay that way all night. Realistically, I still had a good two hours or so of paperwork I needed to catch up on before I could call it a night, and the fact that Jaejoong had passed out so quickly after such a… light activity concerned me a bit, but my muscles refused to move. As much as I knew I shouldn’t have, I decided to put off my work for tonight and made a deal with myself: be with Jaejoong tonight, pick up the slack tomorrow. It was such an easy decision to make at the time… I just had no idea how badly I would regret it not two hours later.
The anxiety hit me first. I’d carefully rolled Jaejoong off of me and adjusted his position, cradling him to my side as I let his steady breath fan out against my neck. After finally taking the edge off of my insane desire, I figured spending another night with him next to me would be easy. And for a while, it was. I didn’t mind the stickiness of my boxers until they were almost dry and the oxytocin had mostly cleared from my system, but then the feeling of it was all I could think about.
Did Jaejoong feel it too? Did it bother him at all? What would he think when he woke up? Should I move? What if I wake him up? Are our clothes ruined? Would he care? How long have we been like this?
The thoughts consumed me. My heart raced and I was horrified that Jaejoong could hear it hammering in my rib cage- the fluttering beat of unwarranted terror sounding like a thunderstorm in my ears. My chest was ready to explode from the apprehension… but then it shifted. Guilt seeped through the anxiety, mutating and amplifying it until a sheen of sweat coated my skin.
What had I done?
My hand trembled on Jaejoong’s scarred shoulder, conflicted between recoiling in horror and staying still to keep him from suspecting anything. Every point of contact with him burned me to the core, disgust for my actions running wild and making me sick.
I’d lost control. I swore to myself I wouldn’t do this, but I completely lost it. I failed him, failed myself, failed everything. I couldn’t even bring myself to look at the innocent boy I’d corrupted, but the images that plagued me when I closed my eyes were worse; his bright smile when he walked into my office, his submissive eyes giving in to everything I wanted… He trusted me. Followed blindly until I got what I wanted. Never doubted me.
I could scarcely breathe with the weight of this horrible guilt crushing my chest, but the feelings didn’t stop. Desire slowly crept into the mixture as I stared at Jaejoong’s pale face, completely smooth as he slept. Defenseless. I could have woken him up, traced wet kisses down his neck until he blinked bleary eyes up at me and smiled. I could have pressed my mouth against his and wrapped my fingers around his wrists. His still kiss-swollen lips would part willingly without me having to say a word, his mouth giving in without hesitation. He wouldn’t be able to refuse me anything; he wouldn’t want to.
The new fantasy smothered me with unbearable lust- the guilt and anxiety drowned by the massive wave of it suddenly crashing over me. My fingers no longer burned to get away from him but to touch more. I wanted to trace every single line of Jaejoong’s gorgeous body- with my fingers, my tongue, anything- just to feel him squirm beneath me. Within minutes I was almost painfully hard from just imagining what it would be like to take him for real… and at that point, I couldn’t stand it anymore.
Every ounce of shattering willpower went into pulling myself away from his limp form, all concerns about him waking up gone as I raced to the bathroom. I made quick work of finishing myself off before sliding to the floor in a miserable heap of regret and shame, body shaking and mind running at a million miles a second. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t move.
I lost all sense of time while sitting on this bathroom floor. Maybe I’ve been in here for hours- maybe only a few minutes. At some point I must have composed myself enough to return to my room for this stupid journal and stop shaking enough to actually write legible sentences, but I really have no idea how. I don’t know what the fuck came over me; I just know for certain that I never want to go through that kind of torture again.
All that mental anguish and rapidly shifting emotions have left me absolutely exhausted, almost to the point that I can’t see straight anymore. I need to stop. I need to go to bed. But I can’t- he’s still there.
February 28, 2003
Entry Ninety-Five
I practically had sex with Jaejoong last night. Holy fuck.
February 28, 2003
Entry Ninety-Six
I’m tired. Last night was such a mess…
I wish I could say that I don’t remember what I did, but honestly, it comes back to me with striking clarity. Jaejoong wasn’t exactly subtle in reminding me about it either.
The first thing I could think of when I put my pen down was that I needed sleep. Desperately. Good things never come from me being sleep deprived, and I really didn’t need to add to the pile of shit that was already sitting on my conscience.
Everything tipped sideways for a moment as I extracted myself from the bathroom floor and I shakily rose to my feet. I didn’t know where I was going to go, so I ended up aimlessly wandering my house until my feet brought me back to my room on their own accord. Jaejoong was still sound asleep nestled into my pillows, completely oblivious to the mental turmoil I’d suffered through all night because of him. His fingers were lightly curled around the edge of my blanket and an expression of absolute calm had settled over his features; for a moment, I couldn’t even breathe.
He stayed perfectly still as I watched him in silence, only stirring when I caved in and collapsed beside him. I put the last of my energy into perching on the very edge of my bed, as far away from Jaejoong as physically possible in such a small space. Still, his outstretched arm brought his fingertips dangerously close to my face, and I was powerless to do anything about it. With mute desire thrumming through my veins and guilt towering over my mind, I fell into a fitful, dreamless sleep.
When my eyes opened again Jaejoong was already sitting straight up in bed, body still and face horribly pale. His wide eyes were fixed on the sheets covering his lower body and white knuckles gripped the comforter.
“Jaejoong-ah?” I muttered as I shifted slightly to face him. His chest rose and fell with deep, shuddering breaths and his lips trembled as he formed words.
“He’s angry,” Jaejoong whispered.
Muscles protested as I raised my arms to press my fingertips to the headboard, an unconscious sigh leaving my lips. “Angry about what?” I asked absent-mindedly as I continued to stretch in my limited space.
My mind hadn’t woken up enough to fully grasp our situation quite yet. All I could think about was how beautiful Jaejoong looked with sleep-tousled hair sticking to his porcelain skin, but when he lifted an unsteady hand to point to his jeans that had somehow magically made their way to the other side of the room, it all came rushing back. The desire, the almost sex, the guilt- all of it flooded over me in a tidal wave of emotion and self-hatred.
The sudden weight of it momentarily knocked me off balance and sent a jolt of nausea through my stomach, tilting Jaejoong’s frozen image and forcing my eyes to close. “Jaejoong… I’m so-” I began, but was quickly cut off.
“He’s right, isn’t he?!” Jaejoong suddenly shouted, stiffening his arm and clutching the sheets more tightly. “He is!”
“I don’t know what you-”
“I’m not allowed! I was never allowed. It makes me ugly! Terrible! Only whores are allowed to enjoy it!” he screamed as his arms suddenly jerked away from his body, sheets still clutched tightly between delicate fingers.
My eyes snapped open. “Jaejoong what ar-”
“That’s all you’ve ever been!” Jaejoong screamed, fingers tearing at the sheets as tears gathered in his eyes. “Useless, disgusting whore! Burn in hell!” The accusations flew from his lips as strangled sobs and his entire body shook with the sheer force of them. Something within me snapped.
Without thinking, I drew Jaejoong’s rigid form into my arms, holding him securely when he began writhing and screaming obscenities at an enemy I could not see. His body contorted in any way it could to get away from me, but I wasn’t going to have it. “Look at me Jaejoong!” I shouted as his thin arms pushed against mine in vain, nails desperate to scrape at flesh he couldn’t reach. “I said look-at-me!”
His head snapped to the side at my repeated command, and his struggling weakened the slightest bit. “Look at me Jae…” I said again and again, lowering my voice more as his thrashing dwindled to nothing and his eyes finally rose to look at my face.
“You’re not useless Jaejoong,” I spoke softly as my breath ghosted over his chapped lips and fingers loosened their hold. “You are not a whore, you are not disgusting… You aren’t any of those things, do you understand me? Don’t you dare let anyone tell you otherwise. I don’t care what he says Jaejoong; he is wrong. Don’t ever doubt that.”
My voice shook with every word that escaped my lips, but Jaejoong stopped. His shoulders relaxed and his entire body molded into mine in a lifeless heap, sobs going quiet and eyes losing their focus. Our lips were only centimeters apart as he whispered to me: “You’re lying.”
Those two little words have haunted me all day, scratching at the edges of my brain like tiny mice with nothing better to eat than my sanity. I didn’t answer him. I didn’t stay with him. Not ten seconds after the words had hit my ears had Jaejoong’s head hit my shoulder and sleep overcame him once again.
I’m still shaking. I never stopped.
He watched me with empty, haunted eyes as I stumbled my way through making breakfast and getting ready to leave. It was like being with an entirely different person than he had been just a few hours before.
Had I pushed him too far? Is that what he really thinks of being with me- that it makes him a… disgusting whore? No. He… Jaejoong wanted what we did last night… Didn’t he? He initiated everything. He tempted me first. I tried to stop him. He was the one that moaned my name and came from my touch.
But none of that matters. I should have known better. I should have been in control. He’s my patient- practically a child- and can’t make these decisions for himself God damnit. This is my fault- it doesn’t matter how much I try to put the blame on someone else, I’m the one responsible for what happened. How could I have been so stupid? So selfish?
I can’t… I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t understand how I let myself get so far down into this hole I’ve dug for the both of us; all I know is that we need to get out and I really, truly don’t know how. Sure, I can say that I’m going to be professional from now on, but how long will that actually last? A few days? A few hours? A few minutes? What will happen tonight when we start the whole process over again? I can’t control myself. I know I can’t. I’ve tried to delude myself into thinking that I could maintain this tepid balance between being a lover and a psychiatrist, and my failure to do so is only making everyone suffer.
People who should have never been involved are paying for my mistakes: my other patients, their families, Hyori… Hyori. Fuck.
She was on her feet the second she saw me walking up the sidewalk toward the glass doors, Jaejoong in tow but still eerily silent. Despite her thick makeup, I could still see the dark circles adorning her concerned eyes and immediately regretted everything I had ever put her through. Her slight bow to Jaejoong went unreturned, but I doubt she cared; her gaze was focused solely on me.
“Jaejoong-shii’s mother has already arrived,” she said a she gestured to the woman sitting in the corner of the lobby, eyes still trained the top button of my collar. The pair left without Jaejoong saying a word and Hyori took it as her cue to let everything out. “I was worried about you yesterday,” she admitted after only a few beats of silence. “You didn’t answer your phone.”
“I’m sorry. I was just… sleeping it off. I’m fine now,” I answered with a tight smile, edging my way toward my office as Hyori fretted over what to say next. Her pretty little mouth opened and shut around words she couldn’t bring herself to say, and before she finally made up her mind I was already opening my office door and sticking one foot through. “Is there anything I need to attend to that I missed yesterday?” I asked with my hand on the door handle.
She shook her head and that was that.
I know it was rude. I know it was insensitive. But I had bigger, much more pressing issues to deal with than someone who was putting too much meaning into a drunken romp between the sheets. I really do care for her, but… I couldn’t afford to focus on that today; there was already way too much on my mind.
Gut-churning guilt spurred me into getting a significant chunk of work done after seeing the state my sudden absence yesterday had left Henry in. Had I been paying more attention to him the past few weeks, I would have known that he’d been skimping on his medication lately and remembered that I meant to up his dose of anti-anxiety meds a little over a month ago.
But this revelation got me started: one correction led to another as I edited his case file and moved on to other patients, several of which needed their medications adjusted as well. I ran on complete autopilot as I forced myself to spew out words onto the pages, pointedly ignoring the waves of exhaustion and mental turmoil threatening to spill over the dam I’d put up during my time with Henry. It took me about three hours in total to make all of the necessary corrections (with pauses in between for sessions of course,) and once I began to feel the dull ache in my wrist from the excessive writing I remembered just how long it had been since I’d actually worked on any other case than Jaejoong’s. Granted, my handwriting was sloppy as hell from my shaking hands and I’ll most likely have to go over everything again to make sure it’s actually correct instead of the mindless babble it’s all bound to be, but it was the closest I’ve been in ages to putting real effort into this again.
Just as I was about to call the pharmacy to make the prescription adjustments, another thought flitted through my mind and made my hand freeze in midair above my phone. The little whisper taunted me with it mixture of truth and temptation, and I knew that no matter how dangerous the train of thought was, I couldn’t ignore it.
Jaejoong was still my patient. He still needed medication.
As torturous as last night may have been, yesterday was still largely successful in providing the information I need to at least start Jaejoong off on something. It was very clear to me from the beginning that I needed to put him on some type of antianxiety (although not nearly as strong as the ones for Henry,) an antipsychotic, and possibly a mild antidepressant. The extra research was more about determining what types of these meds in which combinations would be the most suitable for him to start with given the state of his condition and the history behind it.
Since- as far as his medical history and his mother have told me- he’s never been on any kind of prescription drugs before, I don’t have to worry about giving him something that would conflict with a current medication, but I need to be careful with overloading him with all of this. It’s hard enough to get psychiatric patients to stick with their medicine, and given Jaejoong’s young age, condition, and overall circumstances, it’s going to be a challenge to get him mentally prepared for using them consistently long-term and the side effects that go with it. The desired effects can take a few weeks to fully kick in, but it’s entirely possible that the side effects will start sooner and he’ll lose the motivation to stick with them until the hallucinations and other symptoms start to go away.
For this reason, I decided to start him off with a moderately low dose of Ziprazidone for the next six to eight weeks, and given the nature of the drug, I’m foregoing the antianxiety medications for now. Ziprazidone is somewhat of a “starter” antipsychotic for schizophrenic patients like Jaejoong and since it has fewer adverse side effects than some of my other options, it’s a good place to start and I can always change it if things don’t go well. Of course, regardless of what the chances for negative side effects are, I’ll still have to watch him closely for the next few months to make sure he’s progressing well and see where adjustments need to be made. Which, for any other case, would be just fine. For Jaejoong’s… not so much.
Now that I desperately need to get my focus away from Jaejoong, it’s crucial to his health and general wellbeing that I pay special attention to him. It’ll be a completely different type of attention, but given my current track record, I’m not entirely sure I’ll be able to make the distinction.
His session is still a few hours away, but I’m dreading the hours to come. I don’t know how I’m going to react- I don’t know how he’s going to react- and I still have two more nights scheduled with him. But then again… after the episode we had this morning, I’m not even sure he’ll even come tonight at all.
A/N: so it's been a while... nothing like starting off a chapter with almost-porn to celebrate a hiatus break, no? ;] not leaving spots (aside from two) because i really don't know who even reads this anymore/ who is still on livejournal anymore. let me know if you want one in the future :3