Hello Chapter 3. Because i can.
soooo, some things about my plans for leaving didn't go the way we expected, so! i'm not leaving as early as i thought, and since i was pretty happy with the comments on the last few chapters, i decided to put up chapter three also. but this WILL be the last before i leave xD honestly. don't wanna give out too much just yet ;]
anyway, here's chapter three, because i love you. PLEASE SHOW ME THAT YOU LOVE ME IN RETURN. COMMENT <3
Title: Hello
Length: [3/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD videos, not fics
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane
Author's Note: PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF ENTRY DATES AND NUMBERS. SKIPS ARE INTENTIONAL.
{ Chapter 1} { Chapter 2}
January 25, 2003
Entry Thirty
I was almost certain that this week would end well. Aside from Heechul’s condition going downhill since he stopped seeing Hangeng and Jaejoong’s occasional strangeness, everything was going just fine (Jaejoong’s strangeness was normal after all.) My life has never been very stressful to begin with; just a few patients who refused to cooperate got me frustrated every now and then… Today changed that.
For the first time since I started my work as a psychiatrist, I let something a patient said seriously affect me. I guess it wouldn’t come as a surprise that that patient was Jaejoong.
Our session started off normally; Jaejoong curled up on the couch and stayed quiet except for an occasional ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to answer my questions. But about forty minutes in, Jaejoong started to speak on his own.
“My birthday is tomorrow,” he said out of nowhere.
I looked up from my notebook to see him staring at the curtains draped over my window as if he could still see outside, his sad eyes looking off into the distance. “Happy birthday,” I said with a smile.
Jaejoong seemed to not hear me. “They said I don’t have to come here anymore if I don’t want to. No one can make me.”
My smile faltered and my mind lit up with realization; January 26, 2003: Jaejoong’s eighteenth birthday aka the day his mother can no longer force him to see a psychiatrist.
I shifted slightly. “Do you want to come back?”
Jaejoong raised his loosely balled fist to his lips and his eyebrows knitted together. “Would Umma be sad if I didn’t?” he asked quietly.
My chest tightened, my lungs seeming to twist with grief at his insinuation. He didn’t want to come back. If he did, why would he ask about it? As much as I hated to tell him my honest answer, I had to be honest with him; making the same mistake I did with Heechul could NOT happen again. If Jaejoong broke down, he broke down. If he didn’t, well that was a good sign. At least I was able to sugar coat it some. “She cares a lot about you Jaejoong,” I answered, pretending to write something in my notebook when in reality I couldn’t form a single character. “She only wants you to get better, and she knows I can help you with that- help you both to be happy.”
My patient’s beautiful face smoothed out as words spilled from my mouth, his gaze still locked on the covered window and teeth nibbling away at his bottom lip. He had such dark circles under his eyes… Is this why he hasn’t been sleeping? From day one I’ve known that his mother’s happiness was important to him, but does it really affect him enough to make him lose sleep at night? Aish… “You don’t want to make your umma sad, do you?”
Jaejoong didn’t answer. Instead, he asked me a question of his own. “Would you be sad if I didn’t come back?”
I finally got to look straight into Jaejoong’s eyes for the first time during our session, the dark orbs begging for something I couldn’t quite place. Of course I wanted him to come back; he was my patient and it was my job to treat him. If he leaves before I can properly diagnose his condition, prescribe a proper medication, and provide him with therapy, he might as well have not come at all and saved his mother a few thousand bucks. On the other hand, I can’t give him a definitive answer about my own feelings. And… I wasn’t sure that I knew the answer myself. “My feelings about it shouldn’t influence your opinion Jaejoong. The choice is yours.”
That was when he said what I haven’t been able to let go.
“I don’t want to make you sad either Yunho-shii.”
I don’t know why that session bothered me so much. I mean, it just shows that Jaejoong is an independent and considerate person, which is good. Nothing wrong with that at all. So… why can’t I get it out of my head?
January 26, 2003
Entry Thirty-One
I have nothing to say today.
January 27, 2003
Entry Thirty-Two
I’ll find out Jaejoong’s choice in less than an hour. I just hope he made the right one.
January 27, 2003
Entry Thirty-Three
Forgive me father for I have sinned. I can’t even… I don’t even know what I thought I was doing. It just happened and… God I loved it so much. I shouldn’t have. I should have stopped it even though I had no idea how it started. I should have done something but… I just couldn’t stop him. It happened so fast.
From the second Jaejoong walked into my office I knew something was different about him. A darkness lingered behind his eyes that I’d never seen there before, faint but very much there. Nevertheless, I smiled as he came in. My relief at the moment was just too hard to contain. “It’s good to see you today Jaejoong,” I said as he stood in front of the couch. I really thought this was a good sign; he came back, so he must want to accept treatment.
My young patient remained standing though- something he’d never done before- and stared at me with his darkened eyes. “I’m ready to show you the bad things now,” he said hesitantly while my eyebrows knitted together.
“Show me?”
Jaejoong nodded. “They said I can now. They said… it’s not bad anymore. U-know… said I could so I… I want to.”
“What are you talking abo-” My words were cut off by Jaejoong’s lips crushing against my own. Everything about it was completely insane, but the only thing I could still think about was how Jaejoong’s lips were just as soft as I’d imagined them to be. The soft petals moved demandingly against mine, his tongue begging for something I knew I couldn’t let him have, something I shouldn’t even have had to think about… but I did it anyway.
I don’t know what I was thinking when I parted my lips for him, granting the young boy access to his forbidden desire. His tongue found mine in a heartbeat, dancing and twisting and driving me crazy. I should have ended it when he pulled back for air, I should have stopped it from going further… but… my lips were silently begging for more, and he relented without hesitation.
“Jaejoong…” I breathed against his skin. “Jaejoong this is… we have to… stop…”
I thought my protests had fallen on deaf ears, but Jaejoong slowly began to stop, pulling away at last with a gentle push from my hands.
I was met with an endless sea of ebony when I finally opened my eyes, and my heart raced beyond my control. Heat seeped through my skin from Jaejoong’s soft hands on my neck and… other places I don’t care to write down. This couldn’t go on. I couldn’t let him think this is okay. “Jaejoong,” I started with a sigh. “We can’t do this. It’s not right.”
“Why not?” he snapped.
“You’re too young Jaej-”
“No I’m not! I’m eighteen now! I waited just like they told me to. I waited until it wasn’t bad anymore!” His arms tightened around my neck as he spoke and his head dropped against my chest.
“No Jaejoong, that’s not true.”
The weight on my chest lifted. “What do you mean?”
“You becoming the legal age doesn’t change anything,” I tried to say calmly. It’s a hard thing to do when a gorgeous eighteen year old just willingly made out with you- a thirty (almost thirty-one) year old who hasn’t gotten any action since college- and was still pressing flush against you with lips kiss swollen and beautiful. God it felt so good… No. It had to stop. “You’re still my patient Jaejoong, and I’m still your psychiatrist. I know you might think you feel something for me, but it’s not real. I’ll help you-”
“I don’t need help!” Jaejoong protested. “I know what I want!”
The young boy leaned in to kiss me again, but I was forced to push him away. “No Jaejoong.” Why couldn’t I stop saying his name? “You’re just confused right now, a-and that’s okay. These things happen some-”
“I’m not confused!” he shouted back at me. “Ever since I started coming here I’ve dreamed about being with you. And… I liked it. I like you…” his voice trailed off at his own words, his eyes dropping to stare at the place we were connected; his legs straddling my body, hips demandingly pressed against my own as if our lives depended on the connection. The obvious heat of his excitement was pressed against me and every move either of us made only made it worse. I knew it was so wrong on so many levels, but the desperation in his eyes kept me from doing anything further like I knew I should have. He just needed someone- anyone- to return the love he had for the world… and I wasn’t sure I could deny him of that.
“Jaejoong…” The name fell from my lips in a hallow plea as he slowly threaded his fingers through my hair. I couldn’t think of anything else to say, and before I knew it Jaejoong was kissing me again. That time I didn’t stop him.
January 28, 2003
Entry Thirty-Four
Reasons Why Jung Yunho Cannot be With Kim Jaejoong:
1) Jaejoong is Dr. Jung Yunho’s psychiatric patient
2) Jaejoong is a schizophrenic and, by law, is mentally incapable of consenting to anything without being properly medicated
3) Jaejoong is 18
4) Yunho is days away from turning 31
5) Both are males
6) Jaejoong doesn’t understand what he’s doing or what he wants
7) Yunho is a horny bastard who shouldn’t take advantage of his patients
8) Yunho has never had a real relationship in his life. Starting with something that taboo would be romantic suicide
9) It just is. not. right.
Reasons Why Jung Yunho Can be With Kim Jaejoong:
1)
January 28, 2003
Entry Thirty-Five
Things might not be nearly as bad as I thought with Jaejoong. Yes, the concept itself is completely ridiculous, but what I mean is that Jaejoong wasn’t so adamant about his feelings for me during our session today. I guess it’s harder to explain than I thought.
I didn’t let our situation get too far out of hand yesterday; we just sat there with Jaejoong straddling my hips and kissing me until neither of us could breathe. There was no groping, no fondling, no anything else. Okay, maybe there was a bit of grinding, but that could have just been Jaejoong trying to prevent his legs from slipping or falling asleep or something. And maybe I liked it when he did that, but that doesn’t mean anything.
Anyway, enough about yesterday. Today was a new day with different things. I waited anxiously for 9:30 to come around, and yet I still jumped when my beautiful patient stepped through my door. For the first time I saw a dazzling smile light up his face and a glow surrounding his slender body. It was so… amazing. I couldn’t even bring myself to protest when he closed his eyes to plant a delicate kiss on my cheek.
“Morning!” he chirped, smile still glittering on his lips. Aish…
“Jaejoong, we need to talk about… what happened yesterday,” I said slowly. My hands came up to gently push him away from me and finally give myself room to breathe normally, even if it was only for that short second.
Now at a safe distance from his reflection, Jaejoong opened his eyes and stared straight at me. “I like you too Yunho-shii,” he said softly. “What else is there to talk about?”
“That! You can’t act on the feelings you think you have for me or that I might have for you. It just can’t happen.” I fought hard to maintain my composure under Jaejoong’s intense gaze. He looked so genuinely confused by my words, like he really didn’t understand why it was wrong.
“I like you and you like me too. There’s nothing bad about that.”
“How do you know I li-”
“It’s obvious.” What? “Don’t you notice the way you say my name? You say it like it’s special.” He paused and stared at my overly shocked expression before his lips turned up into a smile again. “Like you care.”
I hated to be the one to extinguish the fire shimmering in Jaejoong’s eyes, but I knew it had to be done. He wouldn’t understand any other way. “I do care about you J-… I do care. But just because someone cares about you doesn’t mean they like you,” I said carefully.
Just as I though would happen, Jaejoong’s radiance went away as my words sunk in to his mind. “You don’t like me?”
The sheer pain in his quiet voice broke my heart, the tears gathering in the corner of his eyes forcing moisture to my own as words gushed out of my mouth. “No no, that’s not it Jaejoong,” I said without thinking. “I do like you! We just…” What was I saying? Did I really just tell him that? Aish… There’s no taking this one back. “We can’t make it work.”
Despite my rejection, Jaejoong’s eyes sparkled. “So there’s hope?”
“No.”
“You said you like me too.” I shouldn’t have.
“And that we could not make this work. What I do or don’t feel doesn’t matter. What does matter is that we can’t have anything more that a professional, doctor-patient relationship between us.” I tried to make my explanation as clear as possible, but Jaejoong’s features only twisted in confusion.
“They said it will,” he said softly, his narrowed eyes shifting to stare at something beside him I couldn’t see. “U-know said… it will work if we wanted to. We just can’t tell.”
“Jaejoong I…”
“I won’t tell if you won’t,” he whispered.
“It doesn’t matter,” I protested half heartedly, but I knew I’d lost the argument when Jaejoong closed his eyes, wrapped his pale arms around my waist, and snuggled his face against my neck.
January 29, 2003
Entry Thirty-Six
I’m not sure I can handle facing Jaejoong today. Only one hour of sleep calls for weak defenses, and I need all the help I can get to resist temptation. I do like him, I’ll admit that. I mean… what’s not to like about him? His schizophrenia is something I’ve trained for years to deal with, and it’s such a mild case that it should be no trouble at all. He’s kind-hearted, beautiful, innocent… Right. Innocent. And I would take that innocence away from him and corrupt it- strip him of everything he has to make him my own. His body would be mine to do with as I please the second he gave me consent, his skin mine to taste, to feel. I would take my time with him, make everything slow and drawn out to savor every part of him I could get a hold of. Just the thought of his pale cheeks flushed with desire for my touch make me want him more than anything else. Maybe I’m not so unsure about this after all.
January 29, 2003
Entry Thirty-Seven
Reading the entry I just wrote and seeing the stain on my desk made me sick.
January 29, 2003
Entry Thirty-Eight
It’s almost midnight now but I can’t sleep. I know I need to, I just can’t. After my first entry for today (and after… taking care of myself apparently) I passed out on my living room couch and missed my first two appointments for the day (Jaejoong’s not being one of them.) My mind was in ruin when I finally got in, my hair and clothes screwed up, and my glasses still on my face.
I walked in to see my bubbly little Sungmin waiting for me in the lobby. Lee Sungmin: one of my first success stories. When he first came to me he had severe depression, and his parents were desperate to find a solution for their agonizing son. It was a simple case to handle considering depression is easily treated, but the incredible change in his demeanor was what got me my good reputation. Where four other psychiatrists had failed him, I had Sungmin laughing and playing instruments in less than two months with little medication at all. In fact, he hasn’t been taking depression medication for years, and yet he’s one of the happiest people I know. It’s hard to believe that the bubbly, borderline hyperactive, boy I only see once a month had tried to kill himself four times and needed sessions every day. In all reality, he didn’t need to see me at all anymore, yet there he was popping his bubble gum and texting away on a bright pink cell phone.
“Sungmin?”
The bright blonde looked up from his message and graced me with one of his candy smiles. “Annyeong~” he greeted as he jumped to his feet.
I stared at him in confusion for a second before glancing at my watch. “There’s only ten minutes left of your appointment. Why are you still here?” I asked incredulously.
Sungmin popped his gum again and stuffed his cell phone into his pocket, his smile never ceasing to shine. “Because I knew you would come. You always do,” he said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
“Oh. Right…” I followed him to my office, taking note that he let himself in without a care, and sat in my usual place across from him with my notebook sitting uselessly in my lap. It’s not like I needed to take notes on him, I just liked to have it. Besides, I felt bad for cutting his time short when he had so much faith in me; I had to at least look like I was making an effort. “So, Sungmin-ah, if you feel the need to, I’m sure we can reschedule your appointment for another day seeing as we only have about…” I quickly glanced at my watch, “… nine minutes left until my next patient comes in for their session. If you talk to Ms. Kwon I’m sure she can get you in somewhere,” I said smoothly with my pen scribbling imaginary notes on my paper.
Sungmin took no mind to it. “No that’s okay. Kyu makes sure I stay busy.” The blonde’s legs swung back and forth as a mischievous smirk formed on his lips. “But I should probably save those details for next month.” Oh lord… “By the way, I meant to tell you that one of them came in when I got here. He said his name was… um… Junsu? No… Jae… Jae something. I don’t remember. He was pretty hot though.”
I could have sworn my heart skipped a beat. “Jaejoong,” I corrected.
“Yeah that was it!” Sungmin beamed at me like I’d just given him a cookie or something. “I told him that you were going to be here soon but he just left.”
My throat was suddenly very dry. “Did he say what he came in for?”
Sungmin picked up on my distress right away, his expression quickly falling into concern. “He wasn’t hurt or freaking out or anything Yunho-shii. I think he just wanted to see you,” the boy reassured. How strange… a patient trying to console a psychiatrist…
“Did he say anything specific?” I couldn’t stand that my voice sounded so desperate, but thankfully Sungmin didn’t seem to notice this time.
“Nope,” the blonde boy answered, feet still swinging carelessly back and forth in a hypnotic rhythm as he took out his phone once again. “He just came in, asked for you, told me to tell you he came, then left. Sorry I can’t tell you more Yunho-shii, but Kyuhyun’s here and he promised we could have sex when I get home.”
I just blinked at my smiling patient as he got up and left my office with a childish wave. It was truly shocking that someone so… innocent looking could be so blunt about such a thing.
The next few hours were a blur to me, but I knew they should have been the most important. Heechul was just as distant as I was during his session, his eyes glazed over and looking into a far away place while I did nothing to bring him back. None of the mumbled answers were in Korean when I bother to ask him a question, and I didn’t try to make him clarify. We were worlds apart from each other while sitting in the same room, and our regard for each other was practically nonexistent. There was none of Heechul’s usual animation, no biting honesty, no elegant self-praise… and I didn’t do a damn thing to draw any of it out of him.
My mind was stuck on one thing and one thing only: Kim Jaejoong. I wanted to know what he came so early for- what he needed to say that I wasn’t around to hear. It drove me crazy that I let him down like this. What if it was something important? What if something really was wrong with him? I know Sungmin told me Jaejoong looked fine but… who knows how good Jaejoong is at hiding?
None of my questions were answered even when the beautiful boy walked through my office doors a short while later.
From the second he came in I could sense that something was wrong with him. No bright smile greeted me like I’d grown accustomed to, no chaste kiss on the cheek I won’t admit I wanted. He was the same withdrawn, fidgety boy he had been at the beginning. His eyes wouldn’t settle on me not matter what I did or said, but damnit I tried.
“Sungmin told me you came in earlier,” I said smoothly. I put all my effort into trying to sound indifferent, but my efforts were in vain; Jaejoong didn’t seem to care.
He fixed his eyes on the corner and his long, thin fingers pulled at the sleeve of his emerald jacket. “I did,” he muttered.
My lips pressed together at his vague response. “Did you need something?”
Again, Jaejoong seemed to disregard my failed attempt to sound indifferent. “I just wanted to see you. That’s all,” he answered.
But that wasn’t good enough for me. How could he be so on-edge now if there was nothing wrong? With a light sigh, I decided to press on. “I’m sorry for not being here when you came for me Jaejoong, but I’m here now. You can tell me.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Everything you have to say matters,” I shot back without thinking. The truth of just how much I meant those words didn’t hit me until Jaejoong was long gone.
January 30, 2003
Entry Thirty-Nine
It’s a little past midnight now… I’d been asleep for about an hour before I woke up out of nowhere. I realized that I’d worn my glasses all day yesterday.
A/N: WELL?? :D
anyway, here's chapter three, because i love you. PLEASE SHOW ME THAT YOU LOVE ME IN RETURN. COMMENT <3
Title: Hello
Length: [3/?]
Author: HolyStarDown
Pairing: Yunjae
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama
Disclaimer: if i owned them i would be posting HD videos, not fics
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane
Author's Note: PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF ENTRY DATES AND NUMBERS. SKIPS ARE INTENTIONAL.
{ Chapter 1} { Chapter 2}
January 25, 2003
Entry Thirty
I was almost certain that this week would end well. Aside from Heechul’s condition going downhill since he stopped seeing Hangeng and Jaejoong’s occasional strangeness, everything was going just fine (Jaejoong’s strangeness was normal after all.) My life has never been very stressful to begin with; just a few patients who refused to cooperate got me frustrated every now and then… Today changed that.
For the first time since I started my work as a psychiatrist, I let something a patient said seriously affect me. I guess it wouldn’t come as a surprise that that patient was Jaejoong.
Our session started off normally; Jaejoong curled up on the couch and stayed quiet except for an occasional ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to answer my questions. But about forty minutes in, Jaejoong started to speak on his own.
“My birthday is tomorrow,” he said out of nowhere.
I looked up from my notebook to see him staring at the curtains draped over my window as if he could still see outside, his sad eyes looking off into the distance. “Happy birthday,” I said with a smile.
Jaejoong seemed to not hear me. “They said I don’t have to come here anymore if I don’t want to. No one can make me.”
My smile faltered and my mind lit up with realization; January 26, 2003: Jaejoong’s eighteenth birthday aka the day his mother can no longer force him to see a psychiatrist.
I shifted slightly. “Do you want to come back?”
Jaejoong raised his loosely balled fist to his lips and his eyebrows knitted together. “Would Umma be sad if I didn’t?” he asked quietly.
My chest tightened, my lungs seeming to twist with grief at his insinuation. He didn’t want to come back. If he did, why would he ask about it? As much as I hated to tell him my honest answer, I had to be honest with him; making the same mistake I did with Heechul could NOT happen again. If Jaejoong broke down, he broke down. If he didn’t, well that was a good sign. At least I was able to sugar coat it some. “She cares a lot about you Jaejoong,” I answered, pretending to write something in my notebook when in reality I couldn’t form a single character. “She only wants you to get better, and she knows I can help you with that- help you both to be happy.”
My patient’s beautiful face smoothed out as words spilled from my mouth, his gaze still locked on the covered window and teeth nibbling away at his bottom lip. He had such dark circles under his eyes… Is this why he hasn’t been sleeping? From day one I’ve known that his mother’s happiness was important to him, but does it really affect him enough to make him lose sleep at night? Aish… “You don’t want to make your umma sad, do you?”
Jaejoong didn’t answer. Instead, he asked me a question of his own. “Would you be sad if I didn’t come back?”
I finally got to look straight into Jaejoong’s eyes for the first time during our session, the dark orbs begging for something I couldn’t quite place. Of course I wanted him to come back; he was my patient and it was my job to treat him. If he leaves before I can properly diagnose his condition, prescribe a proper medication, and provide him with therapy, he might as well have not come at all and saved his mother a few thousand bucks. On the other hand, I can’t give him a definitive answer about my own feelings. And… I wasn’t sure that I knew the answer myself. “My feelings about it shouldn’t influence your opinion Jaejoong. The choice is yours.”
That was when he said what I haven’t been able to let go.
“I don’t want to make you sad either Yunho-shii.”
I don’t know why that session bothered me so much. I mean, it just shows that Jaejoong is an independent and considerate person, which is good. Nothing wrong with that at all. So… why can’t I get it out of my head?
January 26, 2003
Entry Thirty-One
I have nothing to say today.
January 27, 2003
Entry Thirty-Two
I’ll find out Jaejoong’s choice in less than an hour. I just hope he made the right one.
January 27, 2003
Entry Thirty-Three
Forgive me father for I have sinned. I can’t even… I don’t even know what I thought I was doing. It just happened and… God I loved it so much. I shouldn’t have. I should have stopped it even though I had no idea how it started. I should have done something but… I just couldn’t stop him. It happened so fast.
From the second Jaejoong walked into my office I knew something was different about him. A darkness lingered behind his eyes that I’d never seen there before, faint but very much there. Nevertheless, I smiled as he came in. My relief at the moment was just too hard to contain. “It’s good to see you today Jaejoong,” I said as he stood in front of the couch. I really thought this was a good sign; he came back, so he must want to accept treatment.
My young patient remained standing though- something he’d never done before- and stared at me with his darkened eyes. “I’m ready to show you the bad things now,” he said hesitantly while my eyebrows knitted together.
“Show me?”
Jaejoong nodded. “They said I can now. They said… it’s not bad anymore. U-know… said I could so I… I want to.”
“What are you talking abo-” My words were cut off by Jaejoong’s lips crushing against my own. Everything about it was completely insane, but the only thing I could still think about was how Jaejoong’s lips were just as soft as I’d imagined them to be. The soft petals moved demandingly against mine, his tongue begging for something I knew I couldn’t let him have, something I shouldn’t even have had to think about… but I did it anyway.
I don’t know what I was thinking when I parted my lips for him, granting the young boy access to his forbidden desire. His tongue found mine in a heartbeat, dancing and twisting and driving me crazy. I should have ended it when he pulled back for air, I should have stopped it from going further… but… my lips were silently begging for more, and he relented without hesitation.
“Jaejoong…” I breathed against his skin. “Jaejoong this is… we have to… stop…”
I thought my protests had fallen on deaf ears, but Jaejoong slowly began to stop, pulling away at last with a gentle push from my hands.
I was met with an endless sea of ebony when I finally opened my eyes, and my heart raced beyond my control. Heat seeped through my skin from Jaejoong’s soft hands on my neck and… other places I don’t care to write down. This couldn’t go on. I couldn’t let him think this is okay. “Jaejoong,” I started with a sigh. “We can’t do this. It’s not right.”
“Why not?” he snapped.
“You’re too young Jaej-”
“No I’m not! I’m eighteen now! I waited just like they told me to. I waited until it wasn’t bad anymore!” His arms tightened around my neck as he spoke and his head dropped against my chest.
“No Jaejoong, that’s not true.”
The weight on my chest lifted. “What do you mean?”
“You becoming the legal age doesn’t change anything,” I tried to say calmly. It’s a hard thing to do when a gorgeous eighteen year old just willingly made out with you- a thirty (almost thirty-one) year old who hasn’t gotten any action since college- and was still pressing flush against you with lips kiss swollen and beautiful. God it felt so good… No. It had to stop. “You’re still my patient Jaejoong, and I’m still your psychiatrist. I know you might think you feel something for me, but it’s not real. I’ll help you-”
“I don’t need help!” Jaejoong protested. “I know what I want!”
The young boy leaned in to kiss me again, but I was forced to push him away. “No Jaejoong.” Why couldn’t I stop saying his name? “You’re just confused right now, a-and that’s okay. These things happen some-”
“I’m not confused!” he shouted back at me. “Ever since I started coming here I’ve dreamed about being with you. And… I liked it. I like you…” his voice trailed off at his own words, his eyes dropping to stare at the place we were connected; his legs straddling my body, hips demandingly pressed against my own as if our lives depended on the connection. The obvious heat of his excitement was pressed against me and every move either of us made only made it worse. I knew it was so wrong on so many levels, but the desperation in his eyes kept me from doing anything further like I knew I should have. He just needed someone- anyone- to return the love he had for the world… and I wasn’t sure I could deny him of that.
“Jaejoong…” The name fell from my lips in a hallow plea as he slowly threaded his fingers through my hair. I couldn’t think of anything else to say, and before I knew it Jaejoong was kissing me again. That time I didn’t stop him.
January 28, 2003
Entry Thirty-Four
Reasons Why Jung Yunho Cannot be With Kim Jaejoong:
1) Jaejoong is Dr. Jung Yunho’s psychiatric patient
2) Jaejoong is a schizophrenic and, by law, is mentally incapable of consenting to anything without being properly medicated
3) Jaejoong is 18
4) Yunho is days away from turning 31
5) Both are males
6) Jaejoong doesn’t understand what he’s doing or what he wants
7) Yunho is a horny bastard who shouldn’t take advantage of his patients
8) Yunho has never had a real relationship in his life. Starting with something that taboo would be romantic suicide
9) It just is. not. right.
Reasons Why Jung Yunho Can be With Kim Jaejoong:
1)
January 28, 2003
Entry Thirty-Five
Things might not be nearly as bad as I thought with Jaejoong. Yes, the concept itself is completely ridiculous, but what I mean is that Jaejoong wasn’t so adamant about his feelings for me during our session today. I guess it’s harder to explain than I thought.
I didn’t let our situation get too far out of hand yesterday; we just sat there with Jaejoong straddling my hips and kissing me until neither of us could breathe. There was no groping, no fondling, no anything else. Okay, maybe there was a bit of grinding, but that could have just been Jaejoong trying to prevent his legs from slipping or falling asleep or something. And maybe I liked it when he did that, but that doesn’t mean anything.
Anyway, enough about yesterday. Today was a new day with different things. I waited anxiously for 9:30 to come around, and yet I still jumped when my beautiful patient stepped through my door. For the first time I saw a dazzling smile light up his face and a glow surrounding his slender body. It was so… amazing. I couldn’t even bring myself to protest when he closed his eyes to plant a delicate kiss on my cheek.
“Morning!” he chirped, smile still glittering on his lips. Aish…
“Jaejoong, we need to talk about… what happened yesterday,” I said slowly. My hands came up to gently push him away from me and finally give myself room to breathe normally, even if it was only for that short second.
Now at a safe distance from his reflection, Jaejoong opened his eyes and stared straight at me. “I like you too Yunho-shii,” he said softly. “What else is there to talk about?”
“That! You can’t act on the feelings you think you have for me or that I might have for you. It just can’t happen.” I fought hard to maintain my composure under Jaejoong’s intense gaze. He looked so genuinely confused by my words, like he really didn’t understand why it was wrong.
“I like you and you like me too. There’s nothing bad about that.”
“How do you know I li-”
“It’s obvious.” What? “Don’t you notice the way you say my name? You say it like it’s special.” He paused and stared at my overly shocked expression before his lips turned up into a smile again. “Like you care.”
I hated to be the one to extinguish the fire shimmering in Jaejoong’s eyes, but I knew it had to be done. He wouldn’t understand any other way. “I do care about you J-… I do care. But just because someone cares about you doesn’t mean they like you,” I said carefully.
Just as I though would happen, Jaejoong’s radiance went away as my words sunk in to his mind. “You don’t like me?”
The sheer pain in his quiet voice broke my heart, the tears gathering in the corner of his eyes forcing moisture to my own as words gushed out of my mouth. “No no, that’s not it Jaejoong,” I said without thinking. “I do like you! We just…” What was I saying? Did I really just tell him that? Aish… There’s no taking this one back. “We can’t make it work.”
Despite my rejection, Jaejoong’s eyes sparkled. “So there’s hope?”
“No.”
“You said you like me too.” I shouldn’t have.
“And that we could not make this work. What I do or don’t feel doesn’t matter. What does matter is that we can’t have anything more that a professional, doctor-patient relationship between us.” I tried to make my explanation as clear as possible, but Jaejoong’s features only twisted in confusion.
“They said it will,” he said softly, his narrowed eyes shifting to stare at something beside him I couldn’t see. “U-know said… it will work if we wanted to. We just can’t tell.”
“Jaejoong I…”
“I won’t tell if you won’t,” he whispered.
“It doesn’t matter,” I protested half heartedly, but I knew I’d lost the argument when Jaejoong closed his eyes, wrapped his pale arms around my waist, and snuggled his face against my neck.
January 29, 2003
Entry Thirty-Six
I’m not sure I can handle facing Jaejoong today. Only one hour of sleep calls for weak defenses, and I need all the help I can get to resist temptation. I do like him, I’ll admit that. I mean… what’s not to like about him? His schizophrenia is something I’ve trained for years to deal with, and it’s such a mild case that it should be no trouble at all. He’s kind-hearted, beautiful, innocent… Right. Innocent. And I would take that innocence away from him and corrupt it- strip him of everything he has to make him my own. His body would be mine to do with as I please the second he gave me consent, his skin mine to taste, to feel. I would take my time with him, make everything slow and drawn out to savor every part of him I could get a hold of. Just the thought of his pale cheeks flushed with desire for my touch make me want him more than anything else. Maybe I’m not so unsure about this after all.
January 29, 2003
Entry Thirty-Seven
Reading the entry I just wrote and seeing the stain on my desk made me sick.
January 29, 2003
Entry Thirty-Eight
It’s almost midnight now but I can’t sleep. I know I need to, I just can’t. After my first entry for today (and after… taking care of myself apparently) I passed out on my living room couch and missed my first two appointments for the day (Jaejoong’s not being one of them.) My mind was in ruin when I finally got in, my hair and clothes screwed up, and my glasses still on my face.
I walked in to see my bubbly little Sungmin waiting for me in the lobby. Lee Sungmin: one of my first success stories. When he first came to me he had severe depression, and his parents were desperate to find a solution for their agonizing son. It was a simple case to handle considering depression is easily treated, but the incredible change in his demeanor was what got me my good reputation. Where four other psychiatrists had failed him, I had Sungmin laughing and playing instruments in less than two months with little medication at all. In fact, he hasn’t been taking depression medication for years, and yet he’s one of the happiest people I know. It’s hard to believe that the bubbly, borderline hyperactive, boy I only see once a month had tried to kill himself four times and needed sessions every day. In all reality, he didn’t need to see me at all anymore, yet there he was popping his bubble gum and texting away on a bright pink cell phone.
“Sungmin?”
The bright blonde looked up from his message and graced me with one of his candy smiles. “Annyeong~” he greeted as he jumped to his feet.
I stared at him in confusion for a second before glancing at my watch. “There’s only ten minutes left of your appointment. Why are you still here?” I asked incredulously.
Sungmin popped his gum again and stuffed his cell phone into his pocket, his smile never ceasing to shine. “Because I knew you would come. You always do,” he said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
“Oh. Right…” I followed him to my office, taking note that he let himself in without a care, and sat in my usual place across from him with my notebook sitting uselessly in my lap. It’s not like I needed to take notes on him, I just liked to have it. Besides, I felt bad for cutting his time short when he had so much faith in me; I had to at least look like I was making an effort. “So, Sungmin-ah, if you feel the need to, I’m sure we can reschedule your appointment for another day seeing as we only have about…” I quickly glanced at my watch, “… nine minutes left until my next patient comes in for their session. If you talk to Ms. Kwon I’m sure she can get you in somewhere,” I said smoothly with my pen scribbling imaginary notes on my paper.
Sungmin took no mind to it. “No that’s okay. Kyu makes sure I stay busy.” The blonde’s legs swung back and forth as a mischievous smirk formed on his lips. “But I should probably save those details for next month.” Oh lord… “By the way, I meant to tell you that one of them came in when I got here. He said his name was… um… Junsu? No… Jae… Jae something. I don’t remember. He was pretty hot though.”
I could have sworn my heart skipped a beat. “Jaejoong,” I corrected.
“Yeah that was it!” Sungmin beamed at me like I’d just given him a cookie or something. “I told him that you were going to be here soon but he just left.”
My throat was suddenly very dry. “Did he say what he came in for?”
Sungmin picked up on my distress right away, his expression quickly falling into concern. “He wasn’t hurt or freaking out or anything Yunho-shii. I think he just wanted to see you,” the boy reassured. How strange… a patient trying to console a psychiatrist…
“Did he say anything specific?” I couldn’t stand that my voice sounded so desperate, but thankfully Sungmin didn’t seem to notice this time.
“Nope,” the blonde boy answered, feet still swinging carelessly back and forth in a hypnotic rhythm as he took out his phone once again. “He just came in, asked for you, told me to tell you he came, then left. Sorry I can’t tell you more Yunho-shii, but Kyuhyun’s here and he promised we could have sex when I get home.”
I just blinked at my smiling patient as he got up and left my office with a childish wave. It was truly shocking that someone so… innocent looking could be so blunt about such a thing.
The next few hours were a blur to me, but I knew they should have been the most important. Heechul was just as distant as I was during his session, his eyes glazed over and looking into a far away place while I did nothing to bring him back. None of the mumbled answers were in Korean when I bother to ask him a question, and I didn’t try to make him clarify. We were worlds apart from each other while sitting in the same room, and our regard for each other was practically nonexistent. There was none of Heechul’s usual animation, no biting honesty, no elegant self-praise… and I didn’t do a damn thing to draw any of it out of him.
My mind was stuck on one thing and one thing only: Kim Jaejoong. I wanted to know what he came so early for- what he needed to say that I wasn’t around to hear. It drove me crazy that I let him down like this. What if it was something important? What if something really was wrong with him? I know Sungmin told me Jaejoong looked fine but… who knows how good Jaejoong is at hiding?
None of my questions were answered even when the beautiful boy walked through my office doors a short while later.
From the second he came in I could sense that something was wrong with him. No bright smile greeted me like I’d grown accustomed to, no chaste kiss on the cheek I won’t admit I wanted. He was the same withdrawn, fidgety boy he had been at the beginning. His eyes wouldn’t settle on me not matter what I did or said, but damnit I tried.
“Sungmin told me you came in earlier,” I said smoothly. I put all my effort into trying to sound indifferent, but my efforts were in vain; Jaejoong didn’t seem to care.
He fixed his eyes on the corner and his long, thin fingers pulled at the sleeve of his emerald jacket. “I did,” he muttered.
My lips pressed together at his vague response. “Did you need something?”
Again, Jaejoong seemed to disregard my failed attempt to sound indifferent. “I just wanted to see you. That’s all,” he answered.
But that wasn’t good enough for me. How could he be so on-edge now if there was nothing wrong? With a light sigh, I decided to press on. “I’m sorry for not being here when you came for me Jaejoong, but I’m here now. You can tell me.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Everything you have to say matters,” I shot back without thinking. The truth of just how much I meant those words didn’t hit me until Jaejoong was long gone.
January 30, 2003
Entry Thirty-Nine
It’s a little past midnight now… I’d been asleep for about an hour before I woke up out of nowhere. I realized that I’d worn my glasses all day yesterday.
A/N: WELL?? :D