is this real life?
um.... yes :]
Title: Hello
Length: [11/?]
Pairing: Yunjae
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama
Warnings: mental illness, romanticizing mental illness, self harm, mentions of abuse, prescription drug use, attempted suicide, thoughts of suicide, age gap, dub-con (non sexual), and possibly many others.
Disclaimer: i am not a psychiatrist. please do not take anything you learn from this fic as absolute fact; i take a lot of artistic liberty, have a lot of inaccuracies, romanticize a mental illness, and play with the lines of consent and legality. this is a work of fiction in every way
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane
Author's Note: PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF ENTRY DATES AND NUMBERS. SKIPS ARE INTENTIONAL.
{ Chapter 1} { Chapter 2} { Chapter 3} { Chapter 4} { Chapter 5} { Chapter 6} { Chapter 7} { Chapter 8} { Chapter 9} { Chapter 10a} { Chapter 10b}
February 27, 2003
Entry Ninety-Two
It was by nothing more than the sheer power of not wanting an additional inconvenience in my life that I didn’t burn my sheets the moment Hyori left last night. Instead, I settled on pouring almost half a bottle of bleach into my washing machine with them and throwing myself into the shower- haphazardly put on clothes and all.
I wanted the feeling of her off of me by any means necessary, which meant that I ended up scrubbing my skin raw after stripping off my clothes and scrubbing them until my fingers almost bled.
I hate myself for what I’ve done.
Yes, my plan served its purpose. I wanted to get laid so my mind would stop playing Jaejoong-centric pornography at every possible second, but last night… I couldn’t even look at him without wanting to slam my face into the nearest solid object. And that doesn’t even take into consideration the fact that he needed me last night. So badly.
It was only after throwing up twice that I felt like I had the stomach to go pick up Jaejoong, and I’m certain it had nothing to do with the minute amount of alcohol I’d consumed only hours before. Even though I had finally been sated, my body was in absolute turmoil.
Had I been thinking clearly and done something different- say, oh I don’t know, maybe not slept with my secretary- I wouldn’t have gone to pick Jaejoong up that night and made other arrangements, but I wasn’t, so I did.
I only found him out of sheer luck really. I’d made a wrong turn somewhere along the line to Jaejoong’s house and gotten horribly lost, frustration building up further with every unfamiliar street name I passed. I only pulled over to collect myself, but the second I stopped, someone jumped up from the ground beside my window and started screaming bloody murder.
Panic consumed my senses, crushing my chest and propelling me out of the car to go after the person as they stumbled back towards a streetlight and clawed at their head.
“Get away from me!” they cried, voice high and unrecognizable.
“It’s okay!” I shouted back, raising my hands in surrender. “I’m a doctor; I can help you!”
“LEAVE ME ALONE!”
“Please! My name is Dr. Jung Yunho. If you’re hurt, I can-”
The figure suddenly collapsed, knees smacking the ground and effectively cutting off my words as light from the streetlamp above flooded their face. “Yunho…” Jaejoong whimpered. Crimson trails ran down his cheeks from where his tears passed through multiple gashes littering his porcelain skin. “You promised…” he whimpered as gripped fistfuls of frozen grass and clung to them for dear life. “You… promised…”
All thoughts trying to enter my mind completely disintegrated; even breathing felt impossible. “Who did this to you?” I asked, my voice raw and horribly unstable.
“I did,” he whispered back. “I couldn’t let him see.”
“Jaejoong I… I don’t understand.”
“This!” Jaejoong screamed. “He can’t see me! He can’t see such a horrible ugly child!”
Just like that, he was reduced to a hysterical mess. His entire body shook with the force of his sobbing, and high-pitched gasps of agony left his throat with every breath. As much as I wanted to do something- anything- to comfort him… I couldn’t. My body wouldn’t move.
I’m not entirely sure how it happened, but somewhere along the line I managed to pull myself together enough to carry Jaejoong to my car. I don’t remember how long it took for me to finally find the strength to move or even if Jaejoong had resisted my efforts- all I know is that we ended up back at my house, him sitting on the countertop in my bathroom while I cleaned his wounds.
“Why did you do this to yourself Jaejoong?”
The boy in question stayed perfectly still on the tile surface, his eyes closed and breath slow and even. “He was there,” he answered. “If I didn’t do it, Xiah and Micky said that he would.”
“He?”
“Yes. He’s there. He was waiting,” he muttered.
Jaejoong’s body went rigid as I looked down at him, his hands tightly grasping the edge of the counter despite his calm breathing. “What was he waiting for?” I asked as I dabbed peroxide onto his marred skin. He didn’t even flinch.
“He’s always been waiting...”
I was about to prod him further, but Jaejoong suddenly grabbed my wrist, making my mind and body freeze completely.
“Can we stop? This hurts.”
My hands dropped like lead to the countertop beside his hips, slowly curling into fists around the cotton balls in my palm as I glanced up at his face. Although it showed absolutely no signs of discomfort, if Jaejoong said he was in pain, I had to believe him. “I’m sorry Jaejoong…” I breathed out. I’m so sorry… “Just… take a shower and we’ll talk more about this afterwards, okay?”
He hesitated briefly before nodding and sliding off the counter, his eyes still closed tight. “Will you still be here when I’m done?” he asked.
I blinked. “Of course I will. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Oh.”
As if to solidify my answer, Jaejoong blindly groped for my hand, gripping it tightly when I helped our palms meet.
“Don’t let him in,” was all he said before we parted ways.
I don’t know what he meant by that or why Jaejoong’s voice held such a sense of urgency when he said it, but then again, I didn’t exactly give myself much time to think about it.
From the moment I closed the bathroom door behind me, my mind set off in an explosion of thoughts, hitting me hard enough to make me lightheaded and reach out for the wall beside me. I was wrong- I was doing everything wrong- and yet Jaejoong still trusts me more than anyone. He still reaches for me when he feels his world falling apart. But… so far… I’ve done nothing but betray him.
The thought made me dizzy with the rush of guilt it sent through my body, and I must have stayed in the hallway for a good ten minutes before regaining myself, but while I was out there I had an idea- one much better than my last. Or at least… I think it will be.
Jaejoong stood hesitantly in my doorway, looking down at me with uncertain eyes and water still dripping from his hair.
“What’s wrong?” I asked from my place on the floor in front of my bed, laptop resting on my knees and untouched files scattered at my feet.
He didn’t answer right away, but from the look in his eyes, I knew I wouldn’t like his response. “I just… thought you wouldn’t want me here,” he answered as his fingers began to fidget with the hem of his shirt.
I retaliated immediately. “Why would you think that?” I questioned, making him flinch slightly at the unintended edge in my words.
“U-know says you don’t want to touch me but Micky told him to shut the fuck up. I don’t know who to listen to,” he admitted. Jaejoong looked away momentarily and bit his lip. “I understand if you don’t want me.”
An image of me slamming my head into the nearest wall flashed in front of my eyes, and before I knew it, I was on my feet and walking towards him. “Of course I want you here,” I murmured as I hesitantly reached my arms out to wrap around his body. He leaned into the touch and grabbed on to my shirt almost automatically, burying his face into my neck as I spoke again. “That’s actually part of why I wanted to ask you something.”
He adjusted his head slightly and I took it as a sign to go on, but the words were still heavy on my tongue. “There’s… a lot of things that I’ve neglected lately. Things that affect you, and… I only neglected them because I was being selfish.” I sighed deeply and willed my voice to stop shaking so much. “You have no reason to anymore, but… I wanted to know why you still trust me.”
The truth burned hot in my throat as I finally released it to the open, and I almost didn’t want to hear Jaejoong’s answer; no matter what he said it would only make me feel worse. If he said that he didn’t trust me at all or that his trust in me was wearing thin, I could handle that. I’d feel awful, but I could handle it. But if he answered with a confession of blind, unwarranted faith… I wouldn’t know what to do.
And of course, nothing in my life ever went right when Jaejoong was concerned.
He bit his lip lightly and his eyelashes fluttered to a close against my neck, head tilted slightly to listen. “They… say that you won’t hurt me,” he muttered. “They don’t like you sometimes, but that’s one thing they all agree on. They say you’re trying.”
“I didn’t ask for what they are saying Jaejoong,” I shot back immediately. “I asked why you trust me.”
As much as I should have been content with his first answer and moved on, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Regardless of whatever kind of heartache his own answer would be, I had to know- for his sake and mine. “I don’t deserve your trust anymore… Maybe I never did from the beginning, but I definitely don’t now. So… I have to know why. Please Jaejoong, just answer me this.”
“…I don’t think you want to hurt me either.”
My heart sang- a beautiful song of anguish and disaster that flooded through my veins and destroyed my very being. I didn’t deserve this… I didn’t deserve him.
Before I even knew what was going on, tears had begun to pour from my eyes, blurring reality and turning me into a sobbing mess. I hated myself for clinging to his shoulders so tightly- for trying to bury myself in his very essence and forget that everything else had ever happened.
It felt almost unreal that I could still stand with him in my arms after all I’d done, his body curling into mine like I’d done nothing at all. His soft skin against my neck, his heart beating softly and perfectly in synch with mine…
I was willing to start over. Willing to try it again and get it right.
“Jaejoong-ah.”
The boy raised his head slightly and hummed, tightening his fingers at the call of his name.
“Do you think we could sleep in your room tonight instead of mine?” I asked, bracing myself for his negative reaction.
Just as I thought, Jaejoong’s body went rigid and his breathing stopped. “What?” he forced out before becoming frantic. “But you said I could stay in here with you!” he wailed. “You promised!”
I nodded and pulled him tighter against me. “Listen to what I said Jaejoong: ‘we,’ not ‘you.’ I’ll still be with you; we just aren’t going to be in this room. Do you understand?”
I waited a moment for my words to sink in and breathed out a sigh of relief when Jaejoong hesitantly accepted my new offer. Thankfully he didn’t ask questions as to why I wanted the change, and obediently followed me into the room that hadn’t been stained with the essence of my betrayal.
All of this leads me to where I am now: sitting at the very edge of the bed in my spare room at 2 o’clock in the morning with this notebook in hand and Jaejoong sleeping soundly a few feet away.
My guilt kept me from touching him, but it did nothing to stop me from looking- from wondering. What if I can cure him, or at least treat him enough to give him a shot at normal life? What if he decides that he still wants to be with me even when he is able to understand the magnitude of what I’ve done? Or what if… after all of this… he decides that he doesn’t need me, or even want me anymore?
If I’d been asking myself this a month ago, I probably would have thought that Jaejoong dissolving his feelings for me was a good thing. The best thing that he could have done, really. But now… watching his delicate frame sleeping so close to me, I can’t imagine his feelings being any other way. Even when Jaejoong is restored to a proper state of mind, there’s still a part of me that wants this one thing to stay the same.
February 27, 2003
Entry Ninety-Three
My thoughts from this morning haven’t changed, but I am taking a different approach to them. Surprisingly enough, my head is clearer today than it has been in a long time despite yesterday’s anxiety and almost no sleep, and I decided to use this new-found clarity to my advantage.
Hyori was just as shocked as I was when I made the call to her earlier, telling her that I wouldn’t be coming in to the office at all today.
There was a long silence on the other line, and for a second I thought Hyori had even stopped breathing. “I’m sorry?” she finally rasped out after coughing and clearing her throat twice.
I cleared my own throat. “Yeah, I guess I drank a lot more than I thought last night,” I lied. “Meeting with any of my patients today would only end in disaster.”
She hesitated with her next question, voice uncertain and laced with mild worry. “Are you really not feeling well?” she asked softly.
As much as I hated lying to anyone (especially those involved with my job,) I felt the lies pouring easily from my lips. “Yeah. I’m really sorry Hyori, I just don’t think I’d be able to consult a patient when I’m puking every twenty minutes. Make sure you call them enough ahead of time to let them know I can’t meet with them today, though. It might be a bit of a stretch with Jinki-shii since his appointment is first thing this morning, but-”
“Do you want me to come by to bring you something?” Hyori interjected, almost as if she hadn’t heard my last statement at all.
“No, it’s fine. I’m just going to sleep it off for most of the day anyway. Thanks though, and please do make those calls,” I answered before flipping my phone shut and ending the call. Admittedly, I did feel somewhat guilty about blatantly lying to the woman I’d slept with less than 12 hours ago, but it was nothing compared to the guilt I still felt when I thought of Jaejoong. She could live.
With all that said and done, I’m determined for today to be the day that I make everything right with Jaejoong again. He’s still asleep for now, but as soon as he wakes up we have a lot of work to do.
February 27, 2003
Entry Ninety-Four
I’m going to go out on a bit of a limb and say that today was a pretty big success. Unlike my last plan, no one got hurt in the process (not really anyway) and it didn’t result in guilt trying to eat me alive. Yes, I’d say it’s the most success I’ve had in a while.
He held on to my hand and wouldn’t let go. It was as if on reflex the moment Jaejoong opened his eyes, he reached out for me and held tight. There was no trace of desperation in his face, but his trembling arms made me think less of his blank expression.
“Is there something wrong?” I asked as calmly as possible, ignoring the fact that his sudden action scared the living hell out of me.
“I don’t want you to go,” he answered quietly. “He’ll find me.”
Despite myself, I smile and squeezed Jaejoong’s hand in reassurance. “No one is going to find you Jaejoong,” I muttered before closing my eyes and lying back down beside him. I didn’t have to do anything else for Jaejoong to instinctively curl into my side, and my arms wound tightly around his waist. “We’re not going anywhere today.”
In truth, it took a lot more than just my one phone call to Hyori in order to make this day happen, and judging by the shocked look on Jaejoong’s face, he at least had some idea of the significance of my statement. What he didn’t know however, is that I shifted practically everything just for him.
Within the two hour difference between the time I made my call to Hyori and the time Jaejoong woke up, I’d already made days worth of arrangements. The first (and easiest) step of the morning was to call Jaejoong’s mother and let her know that he probably wouldn’t be coming home today.
“Yoboseyo?”
“Hello Mrs. Kim, this is Dr. Jung Yunho. I was just calling to let you know that Jaejoong will be staying for some additional testing today. There’s no extra cost to you and he’ll be back at my office for you to pick him up at the usual time tomorrow morning,” I said with practiced ease, voice low and professional. Even though what I’d told her was 100% true, I still felt the bitter aftertaste of deception on my tongue when she accepted.
“Oh, that’s fine. Actually that’s- yes, it’s perfectly fine. Thank you.” And the conversation was over. Fast, simple, done.
And the next wasn’t much different.
It took only two rings for the pharmacist’s assistant to pick up the phone and fill my ears with a greeting I’ve heard way too many times.
“Lee Pharmaceuticals, this is Donghae speaking. How may I help you?” the young boy answered, voice all too cheery for six thirty in the morning.
“Um… yes, this is Dr. Jung Yunho. I’m calling about a few of my patients’ medication. I won’t be able to make it into the office today, so I was wondering if you’d be available to make a few deliveries for me. The earlier you can do it the better,” I said quickly as I waved a pen back and forth between my fingers, absently tapping it on the file laid out before me.
Donghae smiled through the phone (yes, you can practically hear this kid smiling) and clicked his mouse a few times. “Of course Dr. Jung,” he chirped. “I just need some patient and prescription information and I’ll get the medications out right away.”
With the quietest voice I could manage, I read off different patient’s files and prescription numbers, trying my best to make my words clear while also being mindful of the boy sleeping not far away. I couldn’t help but to glance over at him every now and then as I sifted through files, and even after my phone had long been closed, my gaze still lingered on the gentle rise and fall of Jaejoong’s chest.
It got me to thinking of all the things that could have been- all the things that could still be when my work with him is done. He has so much potential… I truly believe that with proper treatment, Jaejoong can do almost anything.
It’s true that the longer the symptoms of schizophrenia go untreated in a patient, the more damage is done to their brain (both physically and psychologically,) but Jaejoong’s case seems to be mild enough that he has a very large possibility of being restored to a generally normal state. No, he will never be completely normal and it will take years of medication and therapy to get to that point, but the possibility is very much there; I just have to get this right from now on.
With that thought in mind, I made several other calls to various other people- some work related and some not. Lee Jinki was the first on the very long list of people I needed to speak to today, and I started by giving him a personal apology for not being able to see him this morning and to inform him that Donghae would be dropping his medication at any minute. Similar calls were made to some of my other patient’s, followed by one to Dr. Lee and another to Siwon. It was boring, professional work I really had no interest in this early in the morning, and every now and then I found myself stealing glances at Jaejoong’s sleeping form just to keep going.
He looked so perfect lying there, vulnerable to anything and yet trusting me completely when I didn’t deserve it… Even as I stared at him I couldn’t dismiss the electricity sparking in my veins, making me hyper aware of the way his dark lashes splayed out against porcelain cheeks. I wanted him so much…
But no. It’s supposed to all stop here. I was going to turn it all around change it, make it better, and this was just the beginning. If I could just get through this one day alone with him, everything would be different. For once, I would be able to say that I’ve truly succeeded with Jaejoong, and I was determined to make it happen. Desire be damned.
A/N: holy shit this chapter took me sooo long and oh how i hate everything it stands for ;~; this is probably the worst chapter of hello i've ever written and i'm just really not satisfied with it at all ((hence why it took me so long.)) this was actually ready to go a few days ago, but i had a complete mental breakdown the other day and yesterday, so i wasn't exactly up to posting. tysm for everyone who stayed patient with me <3
AND IF YOU HAVEN'T YET PLEASE TAKE MY POLL :]
this bitch wants to hear from you~ <3
Title: Hello
Length: [11/?]
Pairing: Yunjae
Rating: Overall NC-17
Genre: Psychological, romance, angst, drama
Warnings: mental illness, romanticizing mental illness, self harm, mentions of abuse, prescription drug use, attempted suicide, thoughts of suicide, age gap, dub-con (non sexual), and possibly many others.
Disclaimer: i am not a psychiatrist. please do not take anything you learn from this fic as absolute fact; i take a lot of artistic liberty, have a lot of inaccuracies, romanticize a mental illness, and play with the lines of consent and legality. this is a work of fiction in every way
Summary: Love knows no boundaries; it reaches the good, the broken, the hopeless, and even the insane
Author's Note: PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF ENTRY DATES AND NUMBERS. SKIPS ARE INTENTIONAL.
{ Chapter 1} { Chapter 2} { Chapter 3} { Chapter 4} { Chapter 5} { Chapter 6} { Chapter 7} { Chapter 8} { Chapter 9} { Chapter 10a} { Chapter 10b}
February 27, 2003
Entry Ninety-Two
It was by nothing more than the sheer power of not wanting an additional inconvenience in my life that I didn’t burn my sheets the moment Hyori left last night. Instead, I settled on pouring almost half a bottle of bleach into my washing machine with them and throwing myself into the shower- haphazardly put on clothes and all.
I wanted the feeling of her off of me by any means necessary, which meant that I ended up scrubbing my skin raw after stripping off my clothes and scrubbing them until my fingers almost bled.
I hate myself for what I’ve done.
Yes, my plan served its purpose. I wanted to get laid so my mind would stop playing Jaejoong-centric pornography at every possible second, but last night… I couldn’t even look at him without wanting to slam my face into the nearest solid object. And that doesn’t even take into consideration the fact that he needed me last night. So badly.
It was only after throwing up twice that I felt like I had the stomach to go pick up Jaejoong, and I’m certain it had nothing to do with the minute amount of alcohol I’d consumed only hours before. Even though I had finally been sated, my body was in absolute turmoil.
Had I been thinking clearly and done something different- say, oh I don’t know, maybe not slept with my secretary- I wouldn’t have gone to pick Jaejoong up that night and made other arrangements, but I wasn’t, so I did.
I only found him out of sheer luck really. I’d made a wrong turn somewhere along the line to Jaejoong’s house and gotten horribly lost, frustration building up further with every unfamiliar street name I passed. I only pulled over to collect myself, but the second I stopped, someone jumped up from the ground beside my window and started screaming bloody murder.
Panic consumed my senses, crushing my chest and propelling me out of the car to go after the person as they stumbled back towards a streetlight and clawed at their head.
“Get away from me!” they cried, voice high and unrecognizable.
“It’s okay!” I shouted back, raising my hands in surrender. “I’m a doctor; I can help you!”
“LEAVE ME ALONE!”
“Please! My name is Dr. Jung Yunho. If you’re hurt, I can-”
The figure suddenly collapsed, knees smacking the ground and effectively cutting off my words as light from the streetlamp above flooded their face. “Yunho…” Jaejoong whimpered. Crimson trails ran down his cheeks from where his tears passed through multiple gashes littering his porcelain skin. “You promised…” he whimpered as gripped fistfuls of frozen grass and clung to them for dear life. “You… promised…”
All thoughts trying to enter my mind completely disintegrated; even breathing felt impossible. “Who did this to you?” I asked, my voice raw and horribly unstable.
“I did,” he whispered back. “I couldn’t let him see.”
“Jaejoong I… I don’t understand.”
“This!” Jaejoong screamed. “He can’t see me! He can’t see such a horrible ugly child!”
Just like that, he was reduced to a hysterical mess. His entire body shook with the force of his sobbing, and high-pitched gasps of agony left his throat with every breath. As much as I wanted to do something- anything- to comfort him… I couldn’t. My body wouldn’t move.
I’m not entirely sure how it happened, but somewhere along the line I managed to pull myself together enough to carry Jaejoong to my car. I don’t remember how long it took for me to finally find the strength to move or even if Jaejoong had resisted my efforts- all I know is that we ended up back at my house, him sitting on the countertop in my bathroom while I cleaned his wounds.
“Why did you do this to yourself Jaejoong?”
The boy in question stayed perfectly still on the tile surface, his eyes closed and breath slow and even. “He was there,” he answered. “If I didn’t do it, Xiah and Micky said that he would.”
“He?”
“Yes. He’s there. He was waiting,” he muttered.
Jaejoong’s body went rigid as I looked down at him, his hands tightly grasping the edge of the counter despite his calm breathing. “What was he waiting for?” I asked as I dabbed peroxide onto his marred skin. He didn’t even flinch.
“He’s always been waiting...”
I was about to prod him further, but Jaejoong suddenly grabbed my wrist, making my mind and body freeze completely.
“Can we stop? This hurts.”
My hands dropped like lead to the countertop beside his hips, slowly curling into fists around the cotton balls in my palm as I glanced up at his face. Although it showed absolutely no signs of discomfort, if Jaejoong said he was in pain, I had to believe him. “I’m sorry Jaejoong…” I breathed out. I’m so sorry… “Just… take a shower and we’ll talk more about this afterwards, okay?”
He hesitated briefly before nodding and sliding off the counter, his eyes still closed tight. “Will you still be here when I’m done?” he asked.
I blinked. “Of course I will. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Oh.”
As if to solidify my answer, Jaejoong blindly groped for my hand, gripping it tightly when I helped our palms meet.
“Don’t let him in,” was all he said before we parted ways.
I don’t know what he meant by that or why Jaejoong’s voice held such a sense of urgency when he said it, but then again, I didn’t exactly give myself much time to think about it.
From the moment I closed the bathroom door behind me, my mind set off in an explosion of thoughts, hitting me hard enough to make me lightheaded and reach out for the wall beside me. I was wrong- I was doing everything wrong- and yet Jaejoong still trusts me more than anyone. He still reaches for me when he feels his world falling apart. But… so far… I’ve done nothing but betray him.
The thought made me dizzy with the rush of guilt it sent through my body, and I must have stayed in the hallway for a good ten minutes before regaining myself, but while I was out there I had an idea- one much better than my last. Or at least… I think it will be.
Jaejoong stood hesitantly in my doorway, looking down at me with uncertain eyes and water still dripping from his hair.
“What’s wrong?” I asked from my place on the floor in front of my bed, laptop resting on my knees and untouched files scattered at my feet.
He didn’t answer right away, but from the look in his eyes, I knew I wouldn’t like his response. “I just… thought you wouldn’t want me here,” he answered as his fingers began to fidget with the hem of his shirt.
I retaliated immediately. “Why would you think that?” I questioned, making him flinch slightly at the unintended edge in my words.
“U-know says you don’t want to touch me but Micky told him to shut the fuck up. I don’t know who to listen to,” he admitted. Jaejoong looked away momentarily and bit his lip. “I understand if you don’t want me.”
An image of me slamming my head into the nearest wall flashed in front of my eyes, and before I knew it, I was on my feet and walking towards him. “Of course I want you here,” I murmured as I hesitantly reached my arms out to wrap around his body. He leaned into the touch and grabbed on to my shirt almost automatically, burying his face into my neck as I spoke again. “That’s actually part of why I wanted to ask you something.”
He adjusted his head slightly and I took it as a sign to go on, but the words were still heavy on my tongue. “There’s… a lot of things that I’ve neglected lately. Things that affect you, and… I only neglected them because I was being selfish.” I sighed deeply and willed my voice to stop shaking so much. “You have no reason to anymore, but… I wanted to know why you still trust me.”
The truth burned hot in my throat as I finally released it to the open, and I almost didn’t want to hear Jaejoong’s answer; no matter what he said it would only make me feel worse. If he said that he didn’t trust me at all or that his trust in me was wearing thin, I could handle that. I’d feel awful, but I could handle it. But if he answered with a confession of blind, unwarranted faith… I wouldn’t know what to do.
And of course, nothing in my life ever went right when Jaejoong was concerned.
He bit his lip lightly and his eyelashes fluttered to a close against my neck, head tilted slightly to listen. “They… say that you won’t hurt me,” he muttered. “They don’t like you sometimes, but that’s one thing they all agree on. They say you’re trying.”
“I didn’t ask for what they are saying Jaejoong,” I shot back immediately. “I asked why you trust me.”
As much as I should have been content with his first answer and moved on, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Regardless of whatever kind of heartache his own answer would be, I had to know- for his sake and mine. “I don’t deserve your trust anymore… Maybe I never did from the beginning, but I definitely don’t now. So… I have to know why. Please Jaejoong, just answer me this.”
“…I don’t think you want to hurt me either.”
My heart sang- a beautiful song of anguish and disaster that flooded through my veins and destroyed my very being. I didn’t deserve this… I didn’t deserve him.
Before I even knew what was going on, tears had begun to pour from my eyes, blurring reality and turning me into a sobbing mess. I hated myself for clinging to his shoulders so tightly- for trying to bury myself in his very essence and forget that everything else had ever happened.
It felt almost unreal that I could still stand with him in my arms after all I’d done, his body curling into mine like I’d done nothing at all. His soft skin against my neck, his heart beating softly and perfectly in synch with mine…
I was willing to start over. Willing to try it again and get it right.
“Jaejoong-ah.”
The boy raised his head slightly and hummed, tightening his fingers at the call of his name.
“Do you think we could sleep in your room tonight instead of mine?” I asked, bracing myself for his negative reaction.
Just as I thought, Jaejoong’s body went rigid and his breathing stopped. “What?” he forced out before becoming frantic. “But you said I could stay in here with you!” he wailed. “You promised!”
I nodded and pulled him tighter against me. “Listen to what I said Jaejoong: ‘we,’ not ‘you.’ I’ll still be with you; we just aren’t going to be in this room. Do you understand?”
I waited a moment for my words to sink in and breathed out a sigh of relief when Jaejoong hesitantly accepted my new offer. Thankfully he didn’t ask questions as to why I wanted the change, and obediently followed me into the room that hadn’t been stained with the essence of my betrayal.
All of this leads me to where I am now: sitting at the very edge of the bed in my spare room at 2 o’clock in the morning with this notebook in hand and Jaejoong sleeping soundly a few feet away.
My guilt kept me from touching him, but it did nothing to stop me from looking- from wondering. What if I can cure him, or at least treat him enough to give him a shot at normal life? What if he decides that he still wants to be with me even when he is able to understand the magnitude of what I’ve done? Or what if… after all of this… he decides that he doesn’t need me, or even want me anymore?
If I’d been asking myself this a month ago, I probably would have thought that Jaejoong dissolving his feelings for me was a good thing. The best thing that he could have done, really. But now… watching his delicate frame sleeping so close to me, I can’t imagine his feelings being any other way. Even when Jaejoong is restored to a proper state of mind, there’s still a part of me that wants this one thing to stay the same.
February 27, 2003
Entry Ninety-Three
My thoughts from this morning haven’t changed, but I am taking a different approach to them. Surprisingly enough, my head is clearer today than it has been in a long time despite yesterday’s anxiety and almost no sleep, and I decided to use this new-found clarity to my advantage.
Hyori was just as shocked as I was when I made the call to her earlier, telling her that I wouldn’t be coming in to the office at all today.
There was a long silence on the other line, and for a second I thought Hyori had even stopped breathing. “I’m sorry?” she finally rasped out after coughing and clearing her throat twice.
I cleared my own throat. “Yeah, I guess I drank a lot more than I thought last night,” I lied. “Meeting with any of my patients today would only end in disaster.”
She hesitated with her next question, voice uncertain and laced with mild worry. “Are you really not feeling well?” she asked softly.
As much as I hated lying to anyone (especially those involved with my job,) I felt the lies pouring easily from my lips. “Yeah. I’m really sorry Hyori, I just don’t think I’d be able to consult a patient when I’m puking every twenty minutes. Make sure you call them enough ahead of time to let them know I can’t meet with them today, though. It might be a bit of a stretch with Jinki-shii since his appointment is first thing this morning, but-”
“Do you want me to come by to bring you something?” Hyori interjected, almost as if she hadn’t heard my last statement at all.
“No, it’s fine. I’m just going to sleep it off for most of the day anyway. Thanks though, and please do make those calls,” I answered before flipping my phone shut and ending the call. Admittedly, I did feel somewhat guilty about blatantly lying to the woman I’d slept with less than 12 hours ago, but it was nothing compared to the guilt I still felt when I thought of Jaejoong. She could live.
With all that said and done, I’m determined for today to be the day that I make everything right with Jaejoong again. He’s still asleep for now, but as soon as he wakes up we have a lot of work to do.
February 27, 2003
Entry Ninety-Four
I’m going to go out on a bit of a limb and say that today was a pretty big success. Unlike my last plan, no one got hurt in the process (not really anyway) and it didn’t result in guilt trying to eat me alive. Yes, I’d say it’s the most success I’ve had in a while.
He held on to my hand and wouldn’t let go. It was as if on reflex the moment Jaejoong opened his eyes, he reached out for me and held tight. There was no trace of desperation in his face, but his trembling arms made me think less of his blank expression.
“Is there something wrong?” I asked as calmly as possible, ignoring the fact that his sudden action scared the living hell out of me.
“I don’t want you to go,” he answered quietly. “He’ll find me.”
Despite myself, I smile and squeezed Jaejoong’s hand in reassurance. “No one is going to find you Jaejoong,” I muttered before closing my eyes and lying back down beside him. I didn’t have to do anything else for Jaejoong to instinctively curl into my side, and my arms wound tightly around his waist. “We’re not going anywhere today.”
In truth, it took a lot more than just my one phone call to Hyori in order to make this day happen, and judging by the shocked look on Jaejoong’s face, he at least had some idea of the significance of my statement. What he didn’t know however, is that I shifted practically everything just for him.
Within the two hour difference between the time I made my call to Hyori and the time Jaejoong woke up, I’d already made days worth of arrangements. The first (and easiest) step of the morning was to call Jaejoong’s mother and let her know that he probably wouldn’t be coming home today.
“Yoboseyo?”
“Hello Mrs. Kim, this is Dr. Jung Yunho. I was just calling to let you know that Jaejoong will be staying for some additional testing today. There’s no extra cost to you and he’ll be back at my office for you to pick him up at the usual time tomorrow morning,” I said with practiced ease, voice low and professional. Even though what I’d told her was 100% true, I still felt the bitter aftertaste of deception on my tongue when she accepted.
“Oh, that’s fine. Actually that’s- yes, it’s perfectly fine. Thank you.” And the conversation was over. Fast, simple, done.
And the next wasn’t much different.
It took only two rings for the pharmacist’s assistant to pick up the phone and fill my ears with a greeting I’ve heard way too many times.
“Lee Pharmaceuticals, this is Donghae speaking. How may I help you?” the young boy answered, voice all too cheery for six thirty in the morning.
“Um… yes, this is Dr. Jung Yunho. I’m calling about a few of my patients’ medication. I won’t be able to make it into the office today, so I was wondering if you’d be available to make a few deliveries for me. The earlier you can do it the better,” I said quickly as I waved a pen back and forth between my fingers, absently tapping it on the file laid out before me.
Donghae smiled through the phone (yes, you can practically hear this kid smiling) and clicked his mouse a few times. “Of course Dr. Jung,” he chirped. “I just need some patient and prescription information and I’ll get the medications out right away.”
With the quietest voice I could manage, I read off different patient’s files and prescription numbers, trying my best to make my words clear while also being mindful of the boy sleeping not far away. I couldn’t help but to glance over at him every now and then as I sifted through files, and even after my phone had long been closed, my gaze still lingered on the gentle rise and fall of Jaejoong’s chest.
It got me to thinking of all the things that could have been- all the things that could still be when my work with him is done. He has so much potential… I truly believe that with proper treatment, Jaejoong can do almost anything.
It’s true that the longer the symptoms of schizophrenia go untreated in a patient, the more damage is done to their brain (both physically and psychologically,) but Jaejoong’s case seems to be mild enough that he has a very large possibility of being restored to a generally normal state. No, he will never be completely normal and it will take years of medication and therapy to get to that point, but the possibility is very much there; I just have to get this right from now on.
With that thought in mind, I made several other calls to various other people- some work related and some not. Lee Jinki was the first on the very long list of people I needed to speak to today, and I started by giving him a personal apology for not being able to see him this morning and to inform him that Donghae would be dropping his medication at any minute. Similar calls were made to some of my other patient’s, followed by one to Dr. Lee and another to Siwon. It was boring, professional work I really had no interest in this early in the morning, and every now and then I found myself stealing glances at Jaejoong’s sleeping form just to keep going.
He looked so perfect lying there, vulnerable to anything and yet trusting me completely when I didn’t deserve it… Even as I stared at him I couldn’t dismiss the electricity sparking in my veins, making me hyper aware of the way his dark lashes splayed out against porcelain cheeks. I wanted him so much…
But no. It’s supposed to all stop here. I was going to turn it all around change it, make it better, and this was just the beginning. If I could just get through this one day alone with him, everything would be different. For once, I would be able to say that I’ve truly succeeded with Jaejoong, and I was determined to make it happen. Desire be damned.
A/N: holy shit this chapter took me sooo long and oh how i hate everything it stands for ;~; this is probably the worst chapter of hello i've ever written and i'm just really not satisfied with it at all ((hence why it took me so long.)) this was actually ready to go a few days ago, but i had a complete mental breakdown the other day and yesterday, so i wasn't exactly up to posting. tysm for everyone who stayed patient with me <3
AND IF YOU HAVEN'T YET PLEASE TAKE MY POLL :]
this bitch wants to hear from you~ <3