The Ugly Duckling & Other Miseries
Maybe it is time for me to just lay it straight and just be true about who exactly I am and what type of a person I used to be and have become.
I used to be sinful. I used to be greedy. I used to be self-centered. I used to lie to make myself look better. I used to be the one that got picked on at school. I used to be the one that no one really noticed. I used to be the one that only only warm hearted people knew. I used to be the one that could careless about relationships. I used to let myself become walked on. I used to let myself become someone elses puppet. I used to think of myself high and mighty. I used to be the one to rat. I used to not care...
Yet, I lived a good life. My mother and father were well in what they were doing, what they did, brought home money and hope. Together. Such a typical family. I would see on TV. Movies. The kids who had to go through divorce. Who had to live the bad life and become strong from the hurt and pain.
pfft. No way, not me. I was the one who was perfect...
One day, I experianced mom and dads divorce.
I became scared. I became worthless. I became sad. I became someone who cared for no one. I became one who thought nothing of anything. I became one who layed in bed everynight, tears rolling down my sore cheeks. I became dark. I became someone who hated. I became someone who rebeled. I became someone who hurt others. I became someone who had no remorse. I failed at school. I failed with friends. I failed my family. I failed myself. My life.
The day I almost committed suicide was prolly the day that my life was going to do its 180. I have my mother to thank for walking in on me. If she wouldve walked by my room and not opened the door? Of course, you all can do the math, but I wouldnt be typing this today. Its pretty ugly to think about...
Pills. Rehab. Lectures and lessons. More pills. More rehab.
After about a year and a half, I see this light. This light told me something. It felt so good to hear it, though. It told me to change. Be someone. Be something. Do whatever it takes and overcome all. And you know what? I did.
I am now saught out by people. I am now invited to places. I am now called upon for help. I am now someones friend. I am now someones brother. I am now someones hope. I am now honest. I am now open. I am now friendly. I am now caring. I am now someone who has beaten the odds to become something and someone from when those above me back in the day used to play with the strings attatched to my shoulders. I am now better. I am now loved. I am now liked. I am now noticed. I am now one of those that get recognized for something I have accomplished. I am now involved. I am now working a job. I am now earning my pay. I am now grown up.
Pretty much, I am now living a good life.
...SO WHY THE FUCK IS ALL THIS STUPID BULLSHYT HAPPENING TO ME ?!
Maybe its just God's way of telling me that in this dark heart I have inside still holds deep the persona I used to have before anything ever happened. Maybe Im just too honest. Maybe Im just too nice. Maybe I just need to go back to what I used to be. Seems like my life was pretty well off not being noticed by anyone. Being the ugly ducking seemed to work out for me quite fucking well.
...or am I wrong?
Or am I just lost in this stupid fucking enigma...
Theres gotta be another tunnel here somewhere with another light at he end that has a better answer in life for me.. and I needa find it quick..