I cant sleep...
So. Here I am again. I couldnt take advantage of more sleep time cuz Im not used to being in bed early, so hey, why not? Post a blog...
I honestly dont feel well. Not sick as in fever.. cough.. sore throat.. I feel weak, as if I just may be losing my mind. My patience. My will to even continue. Im in the middle of a tug of war. Im caught in the middle of crap, and Im being pulled on from every direction, it seems. Sometimes, Im scared. I sit in this chair and I think to myself. Long and hard. I havent really felt this type of fear for a long while. Yet, its back.
I dunno.. Maybe I just want something great to happen to me already. Im just sulking in the bad shyt too much. I need to break free, almost. How can I though, when I dont know what I want? When I dont know what would make me happy exactly? What if I never find it...?
A day at a time, I guess. Thats all I have to give, and thats all I have left. The will to just keep allowing the sun to rise and bring me a new day to allow me a chance to find something, or someone, out there.
Someone, whoever you are, find me.. Call it a cry for help, cuz I cant help myself anymore. I refuse to help myself anymore becuz Im scared. And Im scared becuz I keep failing. I keep failing becuz Im weak. Im weak becuz I refuse to help myself...
...and the cycle repeats.
Theres a light, indeed. I see it. I just dont know where its coming from. I cant seem to find power or strength to stand up and walk towards it. I feel paralyzed. Tied down, maybe. Tied down by what? Fear? Sense of hesitation? Lack of heart... Ill be able to break these chains that hold me down one day... I just gotta keep waiting and searching I guess. I dunno, maybe I need to lighten up a bit. Get out more. Lose some fucking weight. heh.
I used to be able to just brush shyt off my shoulders. Nothing got to me. Nothing bothered me. If something got in the way, I was able to walk around it or jump over it with ease. Its not so easy anymore... Maybe becuz I forgot how? Or maybe Im still aching over someone? Cant be my family. Cant be my job. Im fine with family matters and my work atmosphere.
This heart of mine needs to cut it out and quit whining so much.. really.. someone needs to grab a hold of it and not let go.. maybe itll shut the fuck up.. I dunno.. It just seems that my heart has been through the worst game of hot potato.. Its been taken, played with, bobbled around with, and then thrown back at me. heh. Feels like a puppy that no one wants to play with anymore. So the puppy grows up to be a stray dog, and lives alone, and always kicked around, not fed, having to live on its own for the rest of its live, and alot of them are not so lucky to find someone with a kind enough heart to allow them to come in, get out of the rain, sit by the fire, feel loved... So they die out, alone.
[shrugs]
I need some sleep. It shall do me well. Goodnight, everyone.
-Myself
"This shit right here is for you. All your faces I can see. You all think its about me. Im about to break. This is my fate. Am I still damned to a life of misery and hate? You will never know what Ive done for you. What you all put me through. Id do it for you. I could have never lived if it wasnt for you..." -Korn / 4 U