"It's Not Fair."
I wonder if I could vent at you once again, dear journal.
I have been feeling sick and sore and unable to cope, and restless to accomplish things while I have a couple weeks of unstructured respite, before another scheduled exhibit changeover at the Science Center. I could be making some more money actually, which would be very welcome, but while I'm a sicky mess it would be beneficial to work on Life at the moment.
J has finally, FINALLY moved his stuff out of my old room, out of my life. Last Friday he came through, bought me dinner, sorted through his stuff, got his own storage unit, and gave me a few sheckles and heaps of praise for my trouble. As it should be. Now I can reflect on our relationship as more a thing I can CHOOSE to deal with, after years of feeling forced to deal with it.
I am exhausted, lonely, still conflicted. being treated nicely and fairly is incredibly hard to take when unfairness has been the standard for so long. I've called it the Quasimodo Complex in the past, when a simple kind gesture leaves you sobbing uncontrollably, realizing how your life has actually been kind of awful, or at least not what you've been wanting. it was okay to complain.
I'm in a relatively good place to recover at present, just not quite there yet. Eager to be fully functional again, weak but impatient. Mom is making soup. Ex (ex? Ex.) is eager to make any reparations necessary. I am glad for that. I'm still bound to him, and it's still difficult to try to sever those ties. once that's properly done, will that warm ready friendship still be there? I feel it's all that I have sometimes, but not enough. it's sad.
I told him he doesn't have what I need. Close, but no cigar. I won't stop feeling lonely, either way. when I've been crying lately, it's not over a break-up, it's over not knowing how to find the kindred spirits I still haven't met yet.
I have been feeling sick and sore and unable to cope, and restless to accomplish things while I have a couple weeks of unstructured respite, before another scheduled exhibit changeover at the Science Center. I could be making some more money actually, which would be very welcome, but while I'm a sicky mess it would be beneficial to work on Life at the moment.
J has finally, FINALLY moved his stuff out of my old room, out of my life. Last Friday he came through, bought me dinner, sorted through his stuff, got his own storage unit, and gave me a few sheckles and heaps of praise for my trouble. As it should be. Now I can reflect on our relationship as more a thing I can CHOOSE to deal with, after years of feeling forced to deal with it.
I am exhausted, lonely, still conflicted. being treated nicely and fairly is incredibly hard to take when unfairness has been the standard for so long. I've called it the Quasimodo Complex in the past, when a simple kind gesture leaves you sobbing uncontrollably, realizing how your life has actually been kind of awful, or at least not what you've been wanting. it was okay to complain.
I'm in a relatively good place to recover at present, just not quite there yet. Eager to be fully functional again, weak but impatient. Mom is making soup. Ex (ex? Ex.) is eager to make any reparations necessary. I am glad for that. I'm still bound to him, and it's still difficult to try to sever those ties. once that's properly done, will that warm ready friendship still be there? I feel it's all that I have sometimes, but not enough. it's sad.
I told him he doesn't have what I need. Close, but no cigar. I won't stop feeling lonely, either way. when I've been crying lately, it's not over a break-up, it's over not knowing how to find the kindred spirits I still haven't met yet.