(no subject)
Well it's about time you had video hosting, livejournal. I would've loved that when I was youtubing.
Reading back helps. Whew, for real, man.
I'm feeling the need to decompress and verbalize and pin things down again. Jason is.... well, still around. Still kind of a dick. Still really sorry for being a dick and wanting to change and be good for me. But there are still so many warning signals, that if I weren't in so deep I should be running away from.
He'll yell at me to open up to him. What the fuck do you do, then? He'll start fights when he's staying over, and refuse to leave. He'll relentlessly criticize my driving when I drive him places-- What the fuck am I even doing?
To top off the insanity, he wants me to move to Pittsburgh with him. Out of the blue. That is the biggest abusive relationship no-no in the book, isn't it? "Let me isolate you from all of your support sources and make you solely dependent on me in a strange new place! All the people you know here are losers, anyway. I know what's best for you." HAHAHAHAHAH. Fuck.
But my knee-jerk reaction wasn't "hell no." I want to move my stuff into storage, and come over to visit the place. I'm essentially unattached anyway. I keep on saying, "I could use a change of scenery." But I'm not predisposed to move all of my shit there. What would I be without these snow-capped mountains and craggy shores? Washington isn't Alaska, but it's the only northwest I've got right now.
I need a wake-up call, that's for sure. What I really want is to take this trip in a way that isn't insane. Moving across the country with my estranged boyfriend is insane.
But at least he's listening. Or trying very hard to. I asked for a phone call tonight when he gets off work. The last thing I've wanted was his requirement of talking in person, which entails "inviting" him to stay at my place, which he will not leave if I were to ask him to.
I'm starting to feel like sort of a pro at this thing of dealing with emotionally draining people who just won't go away. I've learned that I really am incredibly resilient and tolerant, and that's kind of what attracts them. All my life I've wanted to get away from people, but as a survivor of a high-density living situation, sharing a bedroom with two sisters, with three brothers in the other room, I'm equipped to cope to a degree that many people just aren't. If it weren't for being raised Mormon, I'd probably be a complete sociopath. But maybe if I were an only child, I would feel more yearning to be social.
....okay. Back to trying to be an artist for a living, I guess.
Reading back helps. Whew, for real, man.
I'm feeling the need to decompress and verbalize and pin things down again. Jason is.... well, still around. Still kind of a dick. Still really sorry for being a dick and wanting to change and be good for me. But there are still so many warning signals, that if I weren't in so deep I should be running away from.
He'll yell at me to open up to him. What the fuck do you do, then? He'll start fights when he's staying over, and refuse to leave. He'll relentlessly criticize my driving when I drive him places-- What the fuck am I even doing?
To top off the insanity, he wants me to move to Pittsburgh with him. Out of the blue. That is the biggest abusive relationship no-no in the book, isn't it? "Let me isolate you from all of your support sources and make you solely dependent on me in a strange new place! All the people you know here are losers, anyway. I know what's best for you." HAHAHAHAHAH. Fuck.
But my knee-jerk reaction wasn't "hell no." I want to move my stuff into storage, and come over to visit the place. I'm essentially unattached anyway. I keep on saying, "I could use a change of scenery." But I'm not predisposed to move all of my shit there. What would I be without these snow-capped mountains and craggy shores? Washington isn't Alaska, but it's the only northwest I've got right now.
I need a wake-up call, that's for sure. What I really want is to take this trip in a way that isn't insane. Moving across the country with my estranged boyfriend is insane.
But at least he's listening. Or trying very hard to. I asked for a phone call tonight when he gets off work. The last thing I've wanted was his requirement of talking in person, which entails "inviting" him to stay at my place, which he will not leave if I were to ask him to.
I'm starting to feel like sort of a pro at this thing of dealing with emotionally draining people who just won't go away. I've learned that I really am incredibly resilient and tolerant, and that's kind of what attracts them. All my life I've wanted to get away from people, but as a survivor of a high-density living situation, sharing a bedroom with two sisters, with three brothers in the other room, I'm equipped to cope to a degree that many people just aren't. If it weren't for being raised Mormon, I'd probably be a complete sociopath. But maybe if I were an only child, I would feel more yearning to be social.
....okay. Back to trying to be an artist for a living, I guess.