Chapter 19- The Mirror of Galadriel
Frodo: Himself
Sam: Fiona
Pippin: Riga
Merry: Meara
Aragorn: Cristy
Legolas: Stephanie
Boromir: John
Gimli: Scila
Trees: Elanor
Radagast the Brown/Tawny Man/Fairy Boy/Garbof Man/Dharma Bum: Stickman
Galadriel: Katherine
Celeborn: Russel/Katherine’s boyfriend
Assorted elves: Mr. Tohulka, Ms. Bower(s), Victoria, M. Martinez
Cute Hobbit Boy: Joel
“The sun was sinking behind the mountains, and the shadows were deepening in the woods, when they went on again. Their paths now went into thickets where the dusk had already gathered. Night came beneath the trees as they walked, and the Elf uncovered his silver lamp” (Tolkien, 344). Snort~
“Are we there yet?!” asked Fiona as she pulled her hoodie tighter to her bare shoulders.
“You are such a slut, Fiona, honestly! Don’t wear tank tops if you can’t handle the weather!” chafed Riga.
“Hey, Fiona! Your epidermis is showing!” shouted the warrior dude gleefully.
“That was not funny, John!” remarked Cristy stiffly.
“Well, it was not supposed to be this cold!” retorted Fiona oblivious.
Riga, on turning around and gazing at the frozen Fiona, suddenly noticed the color of her hoodie and lunged on the poor unsuspecting hobbit, pinching her as hard as humanly possible…for her at least….which really isn’t that much…but her pelvis is the DEVIL…made of steel really.
“OOOOWWWWWWW!!!!! WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?” screamed the terrified Fiona as Meara helped her up.
“You weren’t wearing green!!!!!” shrieked the ecstatic Riga. “It’s Saint Patrick’s day!!!!”
“It’s not green, it’s garbof!!!” remarked the Tawny Man from nowhere in particular.
“You know what? You are not allowed to talk anymore, Dharma Bûm!!! And you too, Riga, if you continue to lunge at unsuspecting hypodermic people!” growled Meara threateningly.
“Cool t-shirt by the way, Alex,” remarked a nearby biology-teaching elf as he appeared from behind a tree and pretended to punch Meara and Riga…he does that a lot…?
“I don’t get it,” stated Meara firmly as Fiona suddenly plopped down on the path and took out a box of crayola crayons and proceeded to draw the pretty flowers nearby.
“Chicas, we should really continue if we want to make it to Lórien by nightfall. The nice French man has cafes to manage!” scoffed Cristy as she tried to pry Fiona off the floor…it didn’t work.
Scila, on seeing a box of crayons and pretty white paper, quickly grabbed a handful of crayons and proceeded to draw COVERTLY, covering her picture if Riga or Meara tried to look over. After a few minutes she passed a paper over to Riga, who burst into laughter. Meara quickly snatched the paper out of her hands.
On the paper was a portrait of Frodo, a big round smiley face with HUMONGOUS blue eyes. If you must know exactly, the eyes took up 1/3 of the volume of the entire face. That’s just not normal!
“That is not what he looks like!” she screamed indignantly. “You guys are just evil!”
“Very realistic, eh?” remarked Scila smugly.
Meara quickly lunged on the dwarf.
“Hypocrite!” muttered Riga as the ranger pried the hobbit off the artistic cave person.
“Let’s draw a portrait of youu!” suggested Fiona, and her and Riga happily continued to color as the rest of the fellowship waited, not very patiently, I might add.
Meara sat down and began to draw a portrait of Fiona. When she was done, she showed it to Fiona, who remarked, “My right eye is not that big!”
“I am trying to fix it!” replied a very perplexed Meara. After several minutes, she gave up and said, “Yes, your eyes are different sizes! Accept it!”
“Well, her hair doesn’t have enough body.” The bossy elf, who had left some poor, unfortunate tree labeling Congregation t-shirts, peered over Meara’s shoulder. Meara began to violently draw more “body” on Fiona’s portrait, until poor Fiona looked like some deranged, disproportionate wraith.
“Enough body for you now?!”
“Well, that is not how I would have drawn it.” The bossy elf shrugged and began to walk away. Riga and Fiona had to stop Meara from attacking her from behind.
“Can we go now?!?!?” John growled.
“QUIET YOU LESSER MINDED PERSONS!!!!! Enough with the distractions! We need to be in Lórien by nightfall! You blondie, in the front! The one with the pan, in the back! Dwarf, walk by the warrior guy and the little one in the middle, next to the one with the bug eyes! NOW!” Screamed Mr. M as he shoved them forcefully in position.
----
An hour later, after a few minor scuffles in which Riga mistakenly mistook the pigeon bearer for a tree root, they made it to the entrance of Lórien, which happened to be a lot more packed and loud than they had expected after the tranquility of Rivendell. The lawn in between the tall trees was packed with white trailers. Farm animals made raucous noise in a low pavilion to the right and the rest of the forest was packed with fairground rides and games, not to mention HOT DOGS! Did we mention it was all gre…garbof!?
“I LOVE THIS PLACE!” shrieked Riga ecstatically as she made an attempt to run to the deep fried twinkie stall, but was stopped by the warrior dude as he tripped her with his foot.
“I guess I forgot to mention that Lórien is hosting this year’s Praise Anar-ar-Isil Elf Congregation (Elves are much too elegant to call it a Fair),” muttered the elf as he led them past the entrance where they were each given silver beads to wear.
“I suppose that explains why the bossy elf lady was sooo bossy,” Scila remarked to Meara as they lagged behind.
“No, not really. She’s always like that…” started Meara, when suddenly, an old toothless elf dude walked up to her and attempted to give her another bead necklace.
Meara shook her head to say that she didn’t want it, and the man frowned as Scila grabbed it happily and placed it over her head. Meara then grabbed Scila, who had obviously never learned not to take candy from strangers, and they ran to catch up with the group.
“Why didn’t you take the necklace, Meara? It’s pretty!” queried the dwarf as she twisted it into a star.
“Because I don’t take things random men give me, Scila, and neither should you! This Fair is bane; you are guaranteed to get violated just walking in!” growled Meara as they approached the others.
They were all standing around the front pavilion, in which sat two glorious, well, one glorious and one moderately… ok… just one glorious elf and her lesser husband elf guy.
“Welcome, my friends, to Lórien,” stated the Lady of the Golden Wood solemnly.
“For shizzle,” added Russel courteously.
“You must ignore my… co-ruler Russel. The Fair excites him; I fear he has been among the ride attendants for too long…ahem. Here there are eight, yet nine there were that set out from Rivendell. Tell me where is Scott, for I long desired to speak with him,” stated Katherine all ethereal and such.
“Was that the dude I saw with a giant spliffy behind the Merry-Go-Round?” quirked Russel as he made a kiss towards Meara and Fiona. “Hey hotties!”
“ARGH, Russel, you are such a WENCH! I refuse to work with you anymore!” screamed Katherine suddenly, losing her composure.
SUDDENLY A WIND SWEPT THROUGH THE TENT AND RUSSEL WAS MYSTERIOUSLY REPLACED BY AN INVISIBLE FORCE AND KATHERINE’S BOY FRIEND, CHRIS, SAT ON THE THRONE LOOKING SMUGLY AT THE FELLOWSHIP!
“Well… that was cool,” remarked John.
“Chris!” squealed Katherine as she jumped out of her chair and into his lap! What followed really has no business being in this story, but let’s just say they were happy to see each other.
“Ahem,” coughed Katherine as she resettled into her chair some minutes afterward. “Yeah, so where is Scott?”
“He’s dead.”
“Oh, really… well that’s too bad. These are the most evil tidings I have received for some while now… even more so than the pop stoichiometry test. Why has nothing of this been told to me before?” Katherine asked solemnly.
“We didn’t tell Mr. M yet; he seemed upset enough already,” said Stephanie.
“That’s the understatement of the century,” whispered Meara.
“Scott was our guide, and he led us through Moria; and when our escape seemed beyond hope he saved us and fell,” piped in Frodo.
“I have pictures!” chirped Fiona ecstatically.
The Fellowship turned around and frowned at her.
Fiona: Meep!
“It was entirely his fault!” John pointed at Frodo.
“Hey, this is not the blame game!” replied Cristy steadily.
“Needless where none of the deeds of Scott in life. Those who followed him knew not his mind and cannot report his full purpose. Your quest now stands upon the edge of a knife; stray but a little and it will fail to the ruin of us all. Yet hope remains will the company is true. Do not let your hearts be troubled. Go now and rest, and visit the Fair if you wish, for you are weary and worn with sorrow and much toil,” stated the fair Lady of the Wood as she dismissed them to their quarters.
“Can I go get my Twinkie now?!” Riga whined.
“Ya know what?! I can’t take this anymore!!” John screamed in a high-pitched voice. “I’m going to sleep so don’t bother me!!” He walked away angrily, and Cristy followed him, mumbling that she was tired as well.
“Let’s go on the swings!!” screamed an ecstatic Riga. The hobbits, dwarf, and elf got in line for the first ride. They watched the happy elves swing around and around above them in the chairs.
Stephanie stared at the rusty ride in horror. “Ugh!” she shuddered, “I am not touching anything in this place! I am so going to my room to fix my hair!” She walked away, climbing the stairs up a tree to her room.
Just when they were about to get on the ride, Meara stepped aside and let them pass.
“I don’t trust these things. I’ll wait here for you guys… on the ground.”
The hobbits looked at her puzzled, but Scila quickly grabbed them by their backpacks and threw them ahead in line. When it was their turn, they all sat down in the hanging chairs and pulled the bars over their heads. The swings began to rise higher into the air and off they went!
One dizzy ride later, the dwarf and hobbits got back on solid ground, Meara was missing…. PRESUME!!!
“Now, where is the wench off to!?” growled Riga.
“What should we do now?” queried a breathless Meara as she appeared from behind the group. Frodo and Fiona looked about ready to ask where she had been but Riga quickly interrupted them…
“BUMPER CARS!!!” Riga squealed, and the rest were forced to follow her as she ran over to the tent, where 12 happy elves were driving around, crashing violently into each other. It was Meara’s idea of heaven!!
They gave their ride cards to the elf at the entrance to the ride. He slid Meara’s card through the little machine repeatedly, a confused look on his face as it beeped and read out ERROR. Elves may maintain a reputation for being wise, but it’s not necessarily the most truthful one; some of them just aren’t the brightest swords in the shed.
“It’s unlimited!” a nearby tree whacked the stupid elf with a branch. “I honestly don’t understand how you can be so moronic, Xela!”
“Hey! I resent that subtle attack at my intellect, Elanor!” Dharma Bum complained.
(Read it backwards, people… read it backwards.)
Other authors from story: OHHHHHHH!!!!!
“Shut up, Fairy Boy!” Ellie the Tree magically turned into a hobbit amidst excessive sparks and clouds of golden and green smoke. “Hi!” she waved.
“Woooow!” Riga said.
“I know… I’m good, aren’t I? That’s why it’s a magical forest!” replied the transformed hobbit smugly.
“Tawny Man, that’s it! I WANT A RESTRAINING ORDER!!! NOW!!!!” screamed Meara as she attempted to hit him with her flip-flop, oblivious to Elanor’s magical appearance.
“Ooooh… I get it! You just have to read it backwards!” Fiona looked pleased at the fact that she finally got the joke without help from anyone. Meara rolled her eyes.
“Yes! I did it!” the stupid elf Xela (backwards, you nitwits!) handed them back their cards, sticking his tongue out at the new hobbit/tree. She whacked him again as they walked towards the bumper cars.
“Wheeeeeee!!!” Riga was running happily towards the purple car, when she was violently cut off by a 12-year-old elf. “Children are the devil!” she whined as she reluctantly sat down in a yellow car.
Soon, the hobbits were driving like maniacs around the track.
Riga drove straight at the back of Frodo’s pink car, the impact causing the perplexed hobbit to hit his head against the seat. “Hahahahaha!” Riga laughed madly, encouraged to have found a ride that might cause his ultimate destruction!
“I saw that, Riga!” Meara came to a sudden stop, whirled her car around, and drove straight at the laughing Riga. They collided and went off spinning in opposite directions.
In a corner by herself, Fiona drove her car around and around and around and around in circles, smiling happily.
“Look out!” All the hobbits and elves drove straight at each other, getting tangled up in one big mess of bumper cars. No one could get out.
“You stupid people can’t drive! Turn your steering wheels!” Scila grumbled.
“Which way!?” screamed Meara as she lustfully eyed Riga’s car as it untangled itself and headed straight toward Frodo. “TURN, DAMN MACHINE!!!!”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…” screamed Riga madly as she and Elanor headed toward his car, when suddenly Fiona appeared out of nowhere and rammed them head on! Meara burst into applause!
“I am supposed to protect Mr. Frodo you guys, don’t be so difficult!” chirped Fiona as the ride ended and the dizzy fellowship dislodged themselves from the ride. Riga growled.
“FUNHOUSE!!!!!” screamed Elanor suddenly as she pulled Meara ahead and skipped past the crowds of revelers. The two hobbits approached a scary looking funhouse with pictures of scantily clad surfers on it. Two swarthy looking elves stood at the entrance.
“Is this ride open?” whimpered Elanor bravely.
“I dunno, you think you can handle Smurf City?” one of the leering elves asked as he stepped towards them. He flashed them a dirty-toothed grin.
“It says Surf City mister, not Smurf,” continued Elanor as the elf got closer.
“Ok; I don’t feel like going on this anyway… let’s go, Elanor,” whimpered Meara as she grabbed her arm and they ran away to the rest of the group, who were in line for the Ferris Wheel.
“That’s twice already!!! Ellie, you are almost as bad as Fiona. STOP ATTRACTING RAPISTS!” mumbled Meara as they settled on the ride.
“Twice?! I only met you people like one page ago! You’re attracting them, too!” Elanor protested.
“Argh, I hate Ferris Wheels!!! They are the devil!! They go soo high!!!!” whimpered Riga as they closed the door and the ride started.
“I know!!!” screamed Elanor suddenly. “YOU DOING THAT THING YOU DO!!! BREAKING MY HEART INTO A MILLION PIECES LIKE YOU ALWAYS DOOOOO!!! AND YOU!!!!” Riga joined in and started singing the happy music!
“Stop singing!!! Not in public!!!!! You are sooo embarrassing!!!” cried Meara as she tried to cover her ears and ignore them.
“Hey look, we are really high!!!!” screamed Scila suddenly as the ride stopped and Riga began to sing even louder in an attempt to block out the height!
Meara looked over the side when suddenly her eyes misted over.
“Uh, Meara?” started Frodo.
“Hmm?” she asked as a dazed look appeared on her face.
“Hey, Meara!” chirped the irrepressible rapist as he sat down next to her. Meara suddenly shook her head and gave him the most pathetically sad look anyone had ever seen.
“Oh, hi,” she mumbled as she sat back down in her seat and covered her face in her hands.
“Meara, what were you looking at?” piped Riga as she braved a glance out of the hanging basket.
“You bastard! You just thwarted her out of a husband!” Riga reprimanded the intruding rapist orc as she saw what Meara had been looking at.
“A what?!” mumbled Frodo as he jumped to look out the side of the ride.
“I was only trying to protect you from rapists, Meara,” replied the orc smugly.
“Like yourself?” chirped Scila.
“Oh, hi, Pamela!” replied the orc as he saw the irate dwarf.
“That is not my name, evil kid!” growled the dwarf, and so Meara’s love dilemma was forgotten…for the time being.
~ Later! ~
Riga and Meara were eating corn dogs, Scila was poking at a half-melted ice cream with her spoon, and Elanor was chomping on her corn while waiting for Fiona to come back from the bathroom. Frodo was off checking numerous elves out.
“Hey! Can we go to the Haunted House?” Riga asked.
Fiona got back just in time to hear this. “Oh my gosh… I’m not going, it’s so scary!”
Scila shook her terrified head in agreement.
“Fine, then wait for us here,” Meara said as she and Riga stood up, grabbing Elanor and Frodo, and got into the haunted house line.
Elanor and Meara were waiting happily in line when suddenly… more rapists!! Three orcs in back of them were pushing forward, laughing and saying who-knows-what type of horrible things.
As the orcs got uncomfortably closer, Meara looked at Elanor pointedly, “You know, I don’t really think I want to go on this anymore… seems rather scary.”
“Yeah, yeah, let’s get out of here!” Elanor said as she was being shoved forward. She and Meara ducked under the railings and ran away. “That was like the fifth time today!” Meara said, shaking her head.
“Huh?? Why are they leaving?” Riga inquired. (She hadn’t been right in front of the violators!)
“No! Don’t leave me here with this one!!” Frodo whined.
Riga chuckled evilly as the line moved forward and they stepped into the cart. With a jolt, the little cart began to move slowly forwards into the dark ride.
Frodo: Eeek!
Riga: MWAHAHAHAHA!
They moved up a dark passageway that smelled a bit like cow, when suddenly, a fake bloody hand dropped from the ceiling onto Frodo’s lap! He shrieked!
“Shut up, you idiot!” Riga said as she whacked him. She was getting very tired of his stupid, girly screams…
Her usual chance for attempting to harm the pigeon bearer finally came when the cart began to spin in circles. Riga lifted up the handlebars, and pushed the screaming Frodo out of the cart!
“HAHAHAHA!” Riga laughed as she moved away, leaving Frodo in the dark hall.
Frodo got up and started to look for a way out (it was pretty dark in there), walking around with his hands outstretched in front of him. Suddenly, he bumped into something!
“What the--? Can’t we just have some peace?!?!” Katherine the Lady of the Golden Wood grabbed the terrified Frodo and led him away from the place where her and Chris had been… ahem… getting to know each other.
“You stupid hobbit!” she complained as she walked into a gre-garbof room with leaves on the ground and little white Christmas lights all around. In the middle stood one funhouse mirror.
Frodo looked around in confusion.
“The lights are there to make my eyes look pretty, and the mirror-” Katherine stopped to fix her dress. “Ahem…
Here is the Mirror of Galadriel. I have brought you here so that you may look in it, if you will.”
Frodo looked up at the tall Elf-lady. “What shall I see?” he asked all serious-like.
She continued solemnly, “Even the wisest cannot tell. For the mirror shows many things: things that are… things that were… and some things that have not yet come to pass. Will you look?”
Frodo got up and neared the mirror, looking dubiously at his reflection.
As he gazed in, the mirror began to darken, the haze around it edges swirling into nothingness. As he peered closer, the mirror immediately cleared and he saw a twilit land. Mountains loomed dark in the distant pale sky, and a long gray road passed between the grassy plains towards the mountains and out of sight. He saw a shadowy figure garbed in white with a staff in hand and head bowed walking along the path.
The mirror darkened once again and when it cleared, Frodo saw his companions, all weary of strength and spirit. The mirror changed again and he saw the sea, then the black outline of a tall-ship, a bloodshot horizon, a white fortress, a mighty river flowing amongst the trees; he saw bloodshed, the smoke and fire of war.
Suddenly he saw the Shire all in flames, the holes destroyed, large brick buildings standing in their places. The mirror went altogether dark and he looked into emptiness. Then in the black abyss appeared a single eye, lidless, wreathed in flame, watchful and intent, that began to rove as if looking for something. Then suddenly, it locked its gaze when it spotted the hobbit. The mirror seemed to be growing hot and steam rose from the corners. Frodo slipped forward.
"Do not touch the glass!" Katherine commanded.
Frodo fell back onto the floor as he pulled away from the mirror in fear.
Meanwhile…
“Riga, what did you do to Frodo?!” Meara screamed when Riga came out of the Haunted House looking smug.
“He fell out of the cart,” she replied calmly, “nothing I could do about it.”
Meara ran to the haunted house and began to ask the elf at the entrance questions.
While she was distracted, Riga, Elanor, and Fiona began to plot.
“OK! We need to get Meara to go on the Hanglider! We all really want to go, and we all know she’ll like it once she gets over the idea that she might see her future husband from up there! Here’s the plan…” Elanor and Riga briefed Fiona as to what would happen.
Stickman: That’ll never work!
Elanor smacked him across the head. “Shut up, you!” Riga said.
The irrepressible Fairy Boy continued: They don’t let hobbits like you on those rides! They’re made for elves only! I know! Once, I tried to get in because I thought from up there I could see the circus showgirls chang-ahem, I mean, my friend wanted to ride it, but right before the ride started, someone came around and carded us to see if we were elves or not (wizards kinda look like elves), and me and my friend got kicked out! You guys don’t even look remotely like elves… you don’t have a chance of getting in unnoticed!
“Ohh…” Elanor looked worried. Well, if you had heard all that from anyone, even Stickman, it’d have demoralized you, too!
“Never mind him!” Riga told Elanor and Fiona. “He’s an idiot!” She flipped the radio button off to shut Stickman up.
“I can’t find him! You evil wench, you killed him!” Meara came back in an angry huff.
“No, I didn’t! Get over it, Meara, he was annoying anyways!” Riga replied. She gave the signal to Fiona and Elanor.
“I gotta go to the bathroom!” Fiona said, “Meara, can you come with me?”
“Oh! But you just went!” Meara replied.
Despite her complaints, Fiona led Meara away.
“Wait, wait!” Elanor went over and stopped them, trying to INCONSPICUOSLY wink at Fiona. “We’re proceeding directly to Step 3!” she whispered to the other conspirator, who then said loudly, “I changed my mind! I don’t need to go to the potty anymore!”
A very confused Meara was dragged over to where Riga was standing.
Riga said, “OK! Let’s go!”
“Go where?!” Meara said, and when no one answered her she stopped in her tracks. “GO WHERE?”
You see, this had been the weak point in their otherwise perfectly planned scheme; they failed to realize that Meara would want to know where they were going. So all Fiona and Elanor could do was push Meara forward, following Riga to the big hanglider ride. This made her mad.
“So, Meara, how’s the family?” Fiona asked in an attempt to distract Meara. “Wow! Look at the daisies!” She pointed down at the ground.
“They aren’t daisies, Fiona!” Meara grumbled, but she was nevertheless distracted and didn’t realize they had walked into the ride. Riga winked at Fiona, who began to swing around her pack madly.
This was the pivotal point in their plan, where success depended solely on the execution: Fiona had to throw her bag onto the seat, so that Meara would have to climb on to help her collect her things, and she would then have unknowingly boarded the ride.
Too bad Fiona has terrible aim.
“Damn it, Fiona!” Riga exclaimed as she saw Fiona’s pack land about ten feet away from the hangliders. This gave Meara a chance to look up and take in her surroundings.
“What in bloody hell?!?” she screamed.
Elanor: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Fiona, Riga, and Elanor ran desperately onto the hanglider things.
“C’mon, Meara!” Fiona pleaded, but Meara crossed her arms and shook her head. Fiona began to bite her lip.
“Do not yield, Fiona!” Riga yelled. But the excessively nice hobbit got off the ride and went over to join Meara.
“Oh well,” Elanor shrugged, and her and Riga stayed on the hangliders. (Notice that no one kicked them out… HA, Fairy Boy!) It turned out to be one of the bestest movies ever!
_________
Frodo came out of the Haunted House in a daze.
“I’ve been waiting for you, bug eyes!” Scila grabbed him by the ears and met up with the other hobbits, who were explaining the finer points of their failed plan to Meara.
“Wow…” she said, “you guys put a lot of thought into this. Takes true idiots to mess something like that up!”
“I know!” replied Riga, “It shoulda worked! Next time, we’ll-”
“Frodo!” Meara exclaimed when she saw the hobbit, and Fiona said, “Are you hurt, Mr. Frodo?”, and Elanor and Riga continued to plot.
“Hey! Let’s go on the ski lift thing!” Scila suggested, so everyone walked over to the lift to get an easy ride back to the other side of the forest.
When they got to the entrance though, Fiona, Riga, and Scila decided that the chair lift went too high and that the possibility of falling out of the chair was too great. “We’ll walk!” Riga said, “Let’s go find some deep fried twinkies…”
Meara and Elanor boarded the lift, riding over the park rides through the treetops.
“Oh my gosh! Do you hear that?” Meara said.
“I LOVE THAT SONG!”
Below them, the Elven Chorus were dressed in tight unisuits and holding make-believe electric guitars, singing loudly along to a tape of the Darkness.
Elven Chorus: “Can’t explain all the feelings that you’re making me feeel! My heart’s in overdrive and you’re behind the steering wheel! Touching yoooouu… Touching meeee!!! I believe in a thing called love, just listen to the rhythm of my heart!”
Elanor and Meara: “There’s a chance da da da da daa dooo doo dooroo doo… I BELIEVE IN A THING CALLED LOOOOOOOOOVE!! Oooooh!” (To this day, they still don’t know the words to that song.)
Meara waved to the hobbits and dwarf below. She could see Riga blotting her deep-fried Milky Way bar with a napkin.
“That won’t help, Riga!” Elanor yelled. “Your arteries are gonna clog up anyways!”
Just then, they passed by two other hobbits on another lift!
“Wow! I didn’t know there were so many hobbits in Lothlórien,” said Meara.
“Probably trees.” Elanor began to prick at her nails.
One of the hobbits, who was wearing the hottest yellow pants, waved at Meara. “Hi! I’m Joel!”
“I’m Meara!”
“Hi, Meara!”
“Nice pants!”
“Thanks! Wanna ride my horse??” Joel pointed to a horse in the crowd below (honestly, you pervs).
“YES!!”
Elanor rolled her eyes, “That’s the seventh time!” She jumped off the lift, and with a blast she turned back into a tree before landing on the ground. Then she grabbed Joel and Meara and put them down on the ground together. “I’ll be with Riga,” she said, turning back into a hobbit and walking away.
“Want to go get something to eat?” Joel asked.
“Sure!” A very happy Meara walked off arm in arm with Joel towards an ice cream stand.
Frodo watched incredulously as the two hobbits shared a large root beer float and boarded the Ferris wheel (Meara went again!). “That little [explicit content] thinks he can come over here and [explicit content] everything up just when I was going to [explicit content] and [explicit content]. Who does that [explicit content] think he is?!” he finished in a high-pitched whine.
Riga: “Wheeeeeeee! Explicit content is fun!” She and Elanor sat down on a nearby bench to watch the whole episode. Fiona had gone off to see the horses, the abandoning wench.
“I can’t let him get away with this!” Frodo said to himself as he saw them get off the Ferris wheel, “but she looks so happy! I’m never going to get her back! Unless…”
“Hey, people, I’m tired!” Scila complained, “and it’s late! Can we go to our rooms already?!”
Frodo, Riga, Elanor, Scila, Joel, Meara, and Fiona all started to walk closer to the entrance of the park. Naturally, they were distracted yet again. (As if this chapter weren’t already long enough…)
They saw a large, cheering crowd, circled all around a boxing ring. Overhead, there was a large sign that said:
THE LOTHLORIEN JOUSTING CHAMPIONSHIP: SEMI-FINALS!
“Wheee! Jousting!” Meara ran forward, pushing her way to the front of the crowd.
“So violent…” Scila shook her head in disgust.
Announcer: Heeeelllo everybody! I’m Mr. Tohulka, coming to you live from the Annual Lothlórien Jousting Championship! Entering the ring, we have…
And who else could the fellowship see jousting except:
Mr. Tohulka: Stickman and Ms. Bowers!! Ladies and gentle-elves, it’s the jousting match of the millennium! And off they go!
A bell clanged from somewhere in the woods. Dharma Bûm and Bowers took their fighting stances. They began to lunge at each other with their giant plastic lances, each trying to knock each other off their respective pedestals.
“Hey, hey, hey… I got a dime on Bowers, dime on Bowers, anyone willing to place money on Fairy Boy?” Elanor darted around the crowd taking bets. “Anyone for Fairy Boy? Anyone?”
Crowd: WHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOAA!
Bowers had given Stickman one in the face, nearly throwing him off his pedestal onto the ground. Regaining his balance, Stickman retaliated with an exceptionally violent lunge, sending Bowers flying off her pedestal!
Mr. Tohulka: People, we have some tough competition here today! Bowers, my bad, I mean, Bower is down! Remember, two out of three is the winner who will proceed to the finals!
The fight continued on for some time with various near misses and more than one painful hit. Soon, however, Stickman had steamrolled Bowers onto the ground! He was getting out all the pent up violence saved up from a semester of marine biology classes!
Despite the fact that Bowers was getting her behind handed to her, no one really likes Fairy Boy, so the crowd began to chant…
Crowd: BOWERS! BOWERS! BOWERS! BOWERS! BOWERS! BOWERS! BOWERS! BOWERS! BOWERS!
Bowers: DAMN IT, PEOPLE, IT IS BOWER NOT BOWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In her frustration, a harried Bowers, ah excuse me, Ms. Bower (honestly, though, doesn’t it just naturally come with an s at the end? sigh…) toppled off her pedestal for the third time!
Crowd: Awwww….
Stickman raised his arms in triumph and ran over to the fallen marine biology intern and started kicking her!
Meara: Get ‘er while she’s down!! Damn straight, Tawny Man! Whooo hooo!
“And that’s it, ladies and gents! Join us tomorrow for the finals!” Mr. Tohulka finished. He shut off his microphone, went over to the middle of the ring and separated Stickman from a very miffed Bowers.
Bowers: Grrrr…..
“Ah, well that was fun!” Meara said, taking Joel by the hand and walking away from the ring. The rest of the group trudged behind her.
“Are we done with the distractions now, people?” Scila grumbled.
Authors: Yep!
And so the members of the fellowship went off to sleep in their respective flets in the tops of the trees. Everything was finally noneventful… maybe.
While everyone was asleep, Frodo fell down the stairs (documentary reference!) off the tree onto the ground. He was dressed all in black and looked VERY suspicious.
“What are you doing?” John stared at him as he got up.
“What are you doing?”
“I asked you first!”
“Hmmph,” Frodo replied. “I’m going to the bathroom.”
“No, you’re not! Why the hell do hobbits have to be so annoying? Can no one have a suspicious quiet moment to themselves around here?!” John said angrily.
“I ask the same thing!” Frodo sat down next to John. “I was going over to that dude Joel’s bedroom… I need to deal with that kid; he stole my girlfriend!”
John grinned. “He’s annoying, isn’t he? Now you know what it’s like! Always doing something stupid, always getting on your nerves, always rubbing it in your face that he has the ring and not you!” he finished to himself.
“Huh?” Frodo looked at the warrior dude.
“Anyways, you aren’t capable of getting a girl… you’re a pigeon-hogging dork!” John continued.
“Hey! I can too get a girl! In fact…” Frodo glanced around and giggled, “… I stole her panties!”
Nearby, Riga and Elanor launch into a loud laughing fit.
Theater crowd: SHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
John looked at Frodo in disgust.
“What?! They’re clean! And anyways, I don’t see what’s so bad about it… the world must be peopled!!”
“If she doesn’t know you have ‘em, she’s not your girlfriend.” John got up and patted the horny hobbit on his head. “G’night, man.”
After he saw the warrior dude leave, Frodo got up and continued stealthily up a nearby set of stairs to Joel’s room.
“Dude,” Frodo said, poking the sleeping hobbit, “wake up!”
“Do I know you?” Joel said groggily as he sat up.
“You gotta try this stuff, it’s guaranteed to jack you up!” Frodo handed a pen to the sleepy Joel, who shook his head no, then reached over to the nightstand and pulled some tampon applicators out of the drawer.
“Got my own,” he said. “Thanks anyways.”
Author’s note: The events that follow are being removed to keep this story as children-friendly as possible, and were not creations of this pervy writer’s mind, but rather based on certain films. Suffice it to say, however, that Joel ended up passing out. Frodo continued on about his merry way after rummaging through all the other hobbit’s things, taking what possessions he deemed would help him win back Meara. In short, he stole his identity, the wench!
~ The next day… ~
“Good morning, Meara! Look what I got you!” said Frodo, who happened to be wearing a pair of yellow pants, as he held out an oddly shaped package with a card that said ‘From Frodo, To Meara’. Right before Frodo’s name, the word Joel had been crossed out.
Meara took the package and opened it to reveal… A TOY SWORD!
“Wooow! Thanks!” she said, and ran off to show Riga her new weapon. Frodo looked disappointed.
Frodo: Himself
Sam: Fiona
Pippin: Riga
Merry: Meara
Aragorn: Cristy
Legolas: Stephanie
Boromir: John
Gimli: Scila
Trees: Elanor
Radagast the Brown/Tawny Man/Fairy Boy/Garbof Man/Dharma Bum: Stickman
Galadriel: Katherine
Celeborn: Russel/Katherine’s boyfriend
Assorted elves: Mr. Tohulka, Ms. Bower(s), Victoria, M. Martinez
Cute Hobbit Boy: Joel
“The sun was sinking behind the mountains, and the shadows were deepening in the woods, when they went on again. Their paths now went into thickets where the dusk had already gathered. Night came beneath the trees as they walked, and the Elf uncovered his silver lamp” (Tolkien, 344). Snort~
“Are we there yet?!” asked Fiona as she pulled her hoodie tighter to her bare shoulders.
“You are such a slut, Fiona, honestly! Don’t wear tank tops if you can’t handle the weather!” chafed Riga.
“Hey, Fiona! Your epidermis is showing!” shouted the warrior dude gleefully.
“That was not funny, John!” remarked Cristy stiffly.
“Well, it was not supposed to be this cold!” retorted Fiona oblivious.
Riga, on turning around and gazing at the frozen Fiona, suddenly noticed the color of her hoodie and lunged on the poor unsuspecting hobbit, pinching her as hard as humanly possible…for her at least….which really isn’t that much…but her pelvis is the DEVIL…made of steel really.
“OOOOWWWWWWW!!!!! WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?” screamed the terrified Fiona as Meara helped her up.
“You weren’t wearing green!!!!!” shrieked the ecstatic Riga. “It’s Saint Patrick’s day!!!!”
“It’s not green, it’s garbof!!!” remarked the Tawny Man from nowhere in particular.
“You know what? You are not allowed to talk anymore, Dharma Bûm!!! And you too, Riga, if you continue to lunge at unsuspecting hypodermic people!” growled Meara threateningly.
“Cool t-shirt by the way, Alex,” remarked a nearby biology-teaching elf as he appeared from behind a tree and pretended to punch Meara and Riga…he does that a lot…?
“I don’t get it,” stated Meara firmly as Fiona suddenly plopped down on the path and took out a box of crayola crayons and proceeded to draw the pretty flowers nearby.
“Chicas, we should really continue if we want to make it to Lórien by nightfall. The nice French man has cafes to manage!” scoffed Cristy as she tried to pry Fiona off the floor…it didn’t work.
Scila, on seeing a box of crayons and pretty white paper, quickly grabbed a handful of crayons and proceeded to draw COVERTLY, covering her picture if Riga or Meara tried to look over. After a few minutes she passed a paper over to Riga, who burst into laughter. Meara quickly snatched the paper out of her hands.
On the paper was a portrait of Frodo, a big round smiley face with HUMONGOUS blue eyes. If you must know exactly, the eyes took up 1/3 of the volume of the entire face. That’s just not normal!
“That is not what he looks like!” she screamed indignantly. “You guys are just evil!”
“Very realistic, eh?” remarked Scila smugly.
Meara quickly lunged on the dwarf.
“Hypocrite!” muttered Riga as the ranger pried the hobbit off the artistic cave person.
“Let’s draw a portrait of youu!” suggested Fiona, and her and Riga happily continued to color as the rest of the fellowship waited, not very patiently, I might add.
Meara sat down and began to draw a portrait of Fiona. When she was done, she showed it to Fiona, who remarked, “My right eye is not that big!”
“I am trying to fix it!” replied a very perplexed Meara. After several minutes, she gave up and said, “Yes, your eyes are different sizes! Accept it!”
“Well, her hair doesn’t have enough body.” The bossy elf, who had left some poor, unfortunate tree labeling Congregation t-shirts, peered over Meara’s shoulder. Meara began to violently draw more “body” on Fiona’s portrait, until poor Fiona looked like some deranged, disproportionate wraith.
“Enough body for you now?!”
“Well, that is not how I would have drawn it.” The bossy elf shrugged and began to walk away. Riga and Fiona had to stop Meara from attacking her from behind.
“Can we go now?!?!?” John growled.
“QUIET YOU LESSER MINDED PERSONS!!!!! Enough with the distractions! We need to be in Lórien by nightfall! You blondie, in the front! The one with the pan, in the back! Dwarf, walk by the warrior guy and the little one in the middle, next to the one with the bug eyes! NOW!” Screamed Mr. M as he shoved them forcefully in position.
----
An hour later, after a few minor scuffles in which Riga mistakenly mistook the pigeon bearer for a tree root, they made it to the entrance of Lórien, which happened to be a lot more packed and loud than they had expected after the tranquility of Rivendell. The lawn in between the tall trees was packed with white trailers. Farm animals made raucous noise in a low pavilion to the right and the rest of the forest was packed with fairground rides and games, not to mention HOT DOGS! Did we mention it was all gre…garbof!?
“I LOVE THIS PLACE!” shrieked Riga ecstatically as she made an attempt to run to the deep fried twinkie stall, but was stopped by the warrior dude as he tripped her with his foot.
“I guess I forgot to mention that Lórien is hosting this year’s Praise Anar-ar-Isil Elf Congregation (Elves are much too elegant to call it a Fair),” muttered the elf as he led them past the entrance where they were each given silver beads to wear.
“I suppose that explains why the bossy elf lady was sooo bossy,” Scila remarked to Meara as they lagged behind.
“No, not really. She’s always like that…” started Meara, when suddenly, an old toothless elf dude walked up to her and attempted to give her another bead necklace.
Meara shook her head to say that she didn’t want it, and the man frowned as Scila grabbed it happily and placed it over her head. Meara then grabbed Scila, who had obviously never learned not to take candy from strangers, and they ran to catch up with the group.
“Why didn’t you take the necklace, Meara? It’s pretty!” queried the dwarf as she twisted it into a star.
“Because I don’t take things random men give me, Scila, and neither should you! This Fair is bane; you are guaranteed to get violated just walking in!” growled Meara as they approached the others.
They were all standing around the front pavilion, in which sat two glorious, well, one glorious and one moderately… ok… just one glorious elf and her lesser husband elf guy.
“Welcome, my friends, to Lórien,” stated the Lady of the Golden Wood solemnly.
“For shizzle,” added Russel courteously.
“You must ignore my… co-ruler Russel. The Fair excites him; I fear he has been among the ride attendants for too long…ahem. Here there are eight, yet nine there were that set out from Rivendell. Tell me where is Scott, for I long desired to speak with him,” stated Katherine all ethereal and such.
“Was that the dude I saw with a giant spliffy behind the Merry-Go-Round?” quirked Russel as he made a kiss towards Meara and Fiona. “Hey hotties!”
“ARGH, Russel, you are such a WENCH! I refuse to work with you anymore!” screamed Katherine suddenly, losing her composure.
SUDDENLY A WIND SWEPT THROUGH THE TENT AND RUSSEL WAS MYSTERIOUSLY REPLACED BY AN INVISIBLE FORCE AND KATHERINE’S BOY FRIEND, CHRIS, SAT ON THE THRONE LOOKING SMUGLY AT THE FELLOWSHIP!
“Well… that was cool,” remarked John.
“Chris!” squealed Katherine as she jumped out of her chair and into his lap! What followed really has no business being in this story, but let’s just say they were happy to see each other.
“Ahem,” coughed Katherine as she resettled into her chair some minutes afterward. “Yeah, so where is Scott?”
“He’s dead.”
“Oh, really… well that’s too bad. These are the most evil tidings I have received for some while now… even more so than the pop stoichiometry test. Why has nothing of this been told to me before?” Katherine asked solemnly.
“We didn’t tell Mr. M yet; he seemed upset enough already,” said Stephanie.
“That’s the understatement of the century,” whispered Meara.
“Scott was our guide, and he led us through Moria; and when our escape seemed beyond hope he saved us and fell,” piped in Frodo.
“I have pictures!” chirped Fiona ecstatically.
The Fellowship turned around and frowned at her.
Fiona: Meep!
“It was entirely his fault!” John pointed at Frodo.
“Hey, this is not the blame game!” replied Cristy steadily.
“Needless where none of the deeds of Scott in life. Those who followed him knew not his mind and cannot report his full purpose. Your quest now stands upon the edge of a knife; stray but a little and it will fail to the ruin of us all. Yet hope remains will the company is true. Do not let your hearts be troubled. Go now and rest, and visit the Fair if you wish, for you are weary and worn with sorrow and much toil,” stated the fair Lady of the Wood as she dismissed them to their quarters.
“Can I go get my Twinkie now?!” Riga whined.
“Ya know what?! I can’t take this anymore!!” John screamed in a high-pitched voice. “I’m going to sleep so don’t bother me!!” He walked away angrily, and Cristy followed him, mumbling that she was tired as well.
“Let’s go on the swings!!” screamed an ecstatic Riga. The hobbits, dwarf, and elf got in line for the first ride. They watched the happy elves swing around and around above them in the chairs.
Stephanie stared at the rusty ride in horror. “Ugh!” she shuddered, “I am not touching anything in this place! I am so going to my room to fix my hair!” She walked away, climbing the stairs up a tree to her room.
Just when they were about to get on the ride, Meara stepped aside and let them pass.
“I don’t trust these things. I’ll wait here for you guys… on the ground.”
The hobbits looked at her puzzled, but Scila quickly grabbed them by their backpacks and threw them ahead in line. When it was their turn, they all sat down in the hanging chairs and pulled the bars over their heads. The swings began to rise higher into the air and off they went!
One dizzy ride later, the dwarf and hobbits got back on solid ground, Meara was missing…. PRESUME!!!
“Now, where is the wench off to!?” growled Riga.
“What should we do now?” queried a breathless Meara as she appeared from behind the group. Frodo and Fiona looked about ready to ask where she had been but Riga quickly interrupted them…
“BUMPER CARS!!!” Riga squealed, and the rest were forced to follow her as she ran over to the tent, where 12 happy elves were driving around, crashing violently into each other. It was Meara’s idea of heaven!!
They gave their ride cards to the elf at the entrance to the ride. He slid Meara’s card through the little machine repeatedly, a confused look on his face as it beeped and read out ERROR. Elves may maintain a reputation for being wise, but it’s not necessarily the most truthful one; some of them just aren’t the brightest swords in the shed.
“It’s unlimited!” a nearby tree whacked the stupid elf with a branch. “I honestly don’t understand how you can be so moronic, Xela!”
“Hey! I resent that subtle attack at my intellect, Elanor!” Dharma Bum complained.
(Read it backwards, people… read it backwards.)
Other authors from story: OHHHHHHH!!!!!
“Shut up, Fairy Boy!” Ellie the Tree magically turned into a hobbit amidst excessive sparks and clouds of golden and green smoke. “Hi!” she waved.
“Woooow!” Riga said.
“I know… I’m good, aren’t I? That’s why it’s a magical forest!” replied the transformed hobbit smugly.
“Tawny Man, that’s it! I WANT A RESTRAINING ORDER!!! NOW!!!!” screamed Meara as she attempted to hit him with her flip-flop, oblivious to Elanor’s magical appearance.
“Ooooh… I get it! You just have to read it backwards!” Fiona looked pleased at the fact that she finally got the joke without help from anyone. Meara rolled her eyes.
“Yes! I did it!” the stupid elf Xela (backwards, you nitwits!) handed them back their cards, sticking his tongue out at the new hobbit/tree. She whacked him again as they walked towards the bumper cars.
“Wheeeeeee!!!” Riga was running happily towards the purple car, when she was violently cut off by a 12-year-old elf. “Children are the devil!” she whined as she reluctantly sat down in a yellow car.
Soon, the hobbits were driving like maniacs around the track.
Riga drove straight at the back of Frodo’s pink car, the impact causing the perplexed hobbit to hit his head against the seat. “Hahahahaha!” Riga laughed madly, encouraged to have found a ride that might cause his ultimate destruction!
“I saw that, Riga!” Meara came to a sudden stop, whirled her car around, and drove straight at the laughing Riga. They collided and went off spinning in opposite directions.
In a corner by herself, Fiona drove her car around and around and around and around in circles, smiling happily.
“Look out!” All the hobbits and elves drove straight at each other, getting tangled up in one big mess of bumper cars. No one could get out.
“You stupid people can’t drive! Turn your steering wheels!” Scila grumbled.
“Which way!?” screamed Meara as she lustfully eyed Riga’s car as it untangled itself and headed straight toward Frodo. “TURN, DAMN MACHINE!!!!”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…” screamed Riga madly as she and Elanor headed toward his car, when suddenly Fiona appeared out of nowhere and rammed them head on! Meara burst into applause!
“I am supposed to protect Mr. Frodo you guys, don’t be so difficult!” chirped Fiona as the ride ended and the dizzy fellowship dislodged themselves from the ride. Riga growled.
“FUNHOUSE!!!!!” screamed Elanor suddenly as she pulled Meara ahead and skipped past the crowds of revelers. The two hobbits approached a scary looking funhouse with pictures of scantily clad surfers on it. Two swarthy looking elves stood at the entrance.
“Is this ride open?” whimpered Elanor bravely.
“I dunno, you think you can handle Smurf City?” one of the leering elves asked as he stepped towards them. He flashed them a dirty-toothed grin.
“It says Surf City mister, not Smurf,” continued Elanor as the elf got closer.
“Ok; I don’t feel like going on this anyway… let’s go, Elanor,” whimpered Meara as she grabbed her arm and they ran away to the rest of the group, who were in line for the Ferris Wheel.
“That’s twice already!!! Ellie, you are almost as bad as Fiona. STOP ATTRACTING RAPISTS!” mumbled Meara as they settled on the ride.
“Twice?! I only met you people like one page ago! You’re attracting them, too!” Elanor protested.
“Argh, I hate Ferris Wheels!!! They are the devil!! They go soo high!!!!” whimpered Riga as they closed the door and the ride started.
“I know!!!” screamed Elanor suddenly. “YOU DOING THAT THING YOU DO!!! BREAKING MY HEART INTO A MILLION PIECES LIKE YOU ALWAYS DOOOOO!!! AND YOU!!!!” Riga joined in and started singing the happy music!
“Stop singing!!! Not in public!!!!! You are sooo embarrassing!!!” cried Meara as she tried to cover her ears and ignore them.
“Hey look, we are really high!!!!” screamed Scila suddenly as the ride stopped and Riga began to sing even louder in an attempt to block out the height!
Meara looked over the side when suddenly her eyes misted over.
“Uh, Meara?” started Frodo.
“Hmm?” she asked as a dazed look appeared on her face.
“Hey, Meara!” chirped the irrepressible rapist as he sat down next to her. Meara suddenly shook her head and gave him the most pathetically sad look anyone had ever seen.
“Oh, hi,” she mumbled as she sat back down in her seat and covered her face in her hands.
“Meara, what were you looking at?” piped Riga as she braved a glance out of the hanging basket.
“You bastard! You just thwarted her out of a husband!” Riga reprimanded the intruding rapist orc as she saw what Meara had been looking at.
“A what?!” mumbled Frodo as he jumped to look out the side of the ride.
“I was only trying to protect you from rapists, Meara,” replied the orc smugly.
“Like yourself?” chirped Scila.
“Oh, hi, Pamela!” replied the orc as he saw the irate dwarf.
“That is not my name, evil kid!” growled the dwarf, and so Meara’s love dilemma was forgotten…for the time being.
~ Later! ~
Riga and Meara were eating corn dogs, Scila was poking at a half-melted ice cream with her spoon, and Elanor was chomping on her corn while waiting for Fiona to come back from the bathroom. Frodo was off checking numerous elves out.
“Hey! Can we go to the Haunted House?” Riga asked.
Fiona got back just in time to hear this. “Oh my gosh… I’m not going, it’s so scary!”
Scila shook her terrified head in agreement.
“Fine, then wait for us here,” Meara said as she and Riga stood up, grabbing Elanor and Frodo, and got into the haunted house line.
Elanor and Meara were waiting happily in line when suddenly… more rapists!! Three orcs in back of them were pushing forward, laughing and saying who-knows-what type of horrible things.
As the orcs got uncomfortably closer, Meara looked at Elanor pointedly, “You know, I don’t really think I want to go on this anymore… seems rather scary.”
“Yeah, yeah, let’s get out of here!” Elanor said as she was being shoved forward. She and Meara ducked under the railings and ran away. “That was like the fifth time today!” Meara said, shaking her head.
“Huh?? Why are they leaving?” Riga inquired. (She hadn’t been right in front of the violators!)
“No! Don’t leave me here with this one!!” Frodo whined.
Riga chuckled evilly as the line moved forward and they stepped into the cart. With a jolt, the little cart began to move slowly forwards into the dark ride.
Frodo: Eeek!
Riga: MWAHAHAHAHA!
They moved up a dark passageway that smelled a bit like cow, when suddenly, a fake bloody hand dropped from the ceiling onto Frodo’s lap! He shrieked!
“Shut up, you idiot!” Riga said as she whacked him. She was getting very tired of his stupid, girly screams…
Her usual chance for attempting to harm the pigeon bearer finally came when the cart began to spin in circles. Riga lifted up the handlebars, and pushed the screaming Frodo out of the cart!
“HAHAHAHA!” Riga laughed as she moved away, leaving Frodo in the dark hall.
Frodo got up and started to look for a way out (it was pretty dark in there), walking around with his hands outstretched in front of him. Suddenly, he bumped into something!
“What the--? Can’t we just have some peace?!?!” Katherine the Lady of the Golden Wood grabbed the terrified Frodo and led him away from the place where her and Chris had been… ahem… getting to know each other.
“You stupid hobbit!” she complained as she walked into a gre-garbof room with leaves on the ground and little white Christmas lights all around. In the middle stood one funhouse mirror.
Frodo looked around in confusion.
“The lights are there to make my eyes look pretty, and the mirror-” Katherine stopped to fix her dress. “Ahem…
Here is the Mirror of Galadriel. I have brought you here so that you may look in it, if you will.”
Frodo looked up at the tall Elf-lady. “What shall I see?” he asked all serious-like.
She continued solemnly, “Even the wisest cannot tell. For the mirror shows many things: things that are… things that were… and some things that have not yet come to pass. Will you look?”
Frodo got up and neared the mirror, looking dubiously at his reflection.
As he gazed in, the mirror began to darken, the haze around it edges swirling into nothingness. As he peered closer, the mirror immediately cleared and he saw a twilit land. Mountains loomed dark in the distant pale sky, and a long gray road passed between the grassy plains towards the mountains and out of sight. He saw a shadowy figure garbed in white with a staff in hand and head bowed walking along the path.
The mirror darkened once again and when it cleared, Frodo saw his companions, all weary of strength and spirit. The mirror changed again and he saw the sea, then the black outline of a tall-ship, a bloodshot horizon, a white fortress, a mighty river flowing amongst the trees; he saw bloodshed, the smoke and fire of war.
Suddenly he saw the Shire all in flames, the holes destroyed, large brick buildings standing in their places. The mirror went altogether dark and he looked into emptiness. Then in the black abyss appeared a single eye, lidless, wreathed in flame, watchful and intent, that began to rove as if looking for something. Then suddenly, it locked its gaze when it spotted the hobbit. The mirror seemed to be growing hot and steam rose from the corners. Frodo slipped forward.
"Do not touch the glass!" Katherine commanded.
Frodo fell back onto the floor as he pulled away from the mirror in fear.
Meanwhile…
“Riga, what did you do to Frodo?!” Meara screamed when Riga came out of the Haunted House looking smug.
“He fell out of the cart,” she replied calmly, “nothing I could do about it.”
Meara ran to the haunted house and began to ask the elf at the entrance questions.
While she was distracted, Riga, Elanor, and Fiona began to plot.
“OK! We need to get Meara to go on the Hanglider! We all really want to go, and we all know she’ll like it once she gets over the idea that she might see her future husband from up there! Here’s the plan…” Elanor and Riga briefed Fiona as to what would happen.
Stickman: That’ll never work!
Elanor smacked him across the head. “Shut up, you!” Riga said.
The irrepressible Fairy Boy continued: They don’t let hobbits like you on those rides! They’re made for elves only! I know! Once, I tried to get in because I thought from up there I could see the circus showgirls chang-ahem, I mean, my friend wanted to ride it, but right before the ride started, someone came around and carded us to see if we were elves or not (wizards kinda look like elves), and me and my friend got kicked out! You guys don’t even look remotely like elves… you don’t have a chance of getting in unnoticed!
“Ohh…” Elanor looked worried. Well, if you had heard all that from anyone, even Stickman, it’d have demoralized you, too!
“Never mind him!” Riga told Elanor and Fiona. “He’s an idiot!” She flipped the radio button off to shut Stickman up.
“I can’t find him! You evil wench, you killed him!” Meara came back in an angry huff.
“No, I didn’t! Get over it, Meara, he was annoying anyways!” Riga replied. She gave the signal to Fiona and Elanor.
“I gotta go to the bathroom!” Fiona said, “Meara, can you come with me?”
“Oh! But you just went!” Meara replied.
Despite her complaints, Fiona led Meara away.
“Wait, wait!” Elanor went over and stopped them, trying to INCONSPICUOSLY wink at Fiona. “We’re proceeding directly to Step 3!” she whispered to the other conspirator, who then said loudly, “I changed my mind! I don’t need to go to the potty anymore!”
A very confused Meara was dragged over to where Riga was standing.
Riga said, “OK! Let’s go!”
“Go where?!” Meara said, and when no one answered her she stopped in her tracks. “GO WHERE?”
You see, this had been the weak point in their otherwise perfectly planned scheme; they failed to realize that Meara would want to know where they were going. So all Fiona and Elanor could do was push Meara forward, following Riga to the big hanglider ride. This made her mad.
“So, Meara, how’s the family?” Fiona asked in an attempt to distract Meara. “Wow! Look at the daisies!” She pointed down at the ground.
“They aren’t daisies, Fiona!” Meara grumbled, but she was nevertheless distracted and didn’t realize they had walked into the ride. Riga winked at Fiona, who began to swing around her pack madly.
This was the pivotal point in their plan, where success depended solely on the execution: Fiona had to throw her bag onto the seat, so that Meara would have to climb on to help her collect her things, and she would then have unknowingly boarded the ride.
Too bad Fiona has terrible aim.
“Damn it, Fiona!” Riga exclaimed as she saw Fiona’s pack land about ten feet away from the hangliders. This gave Meara a chance to look up and take in her surroundings.
“What in bloody hell?!?” she screamed.
Elanor: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Fiona, Riga, and Elanor ran desperately onto the hanglider things.
“C’mon, Meara!” Fiona pleaded, but Meara crossed her arms and shook her head. Fiona began to bite her lip.
“Do not yield, Fiona!” Riga yelled. But the excessively nice hobbit got off the ride and went over to join Meara.
“Oh well,” Elanor shrugged, and her and Riga stayed on the hangliders. (Notice that no one kicked them out… HA, Fairy Boy!) It turned out to be one of the bestest movies ever!
_________
Frodo came out of the Haunted House in a daze.
“I’ve been waiting for you, bug eyes!” Scila grabbed him by the ears and met up with the other hobbits, who were explaining the finer points of their failed plan to Meara.
“Wow…” she said, “you guys put a lot of thought into this. Takes true idiots to mess something like that up!”
“I know!” replied Riga, “It shoulda worked! Next time, we’ll-”
“Frodo!” Meara exclaimed when she saw the hobbit, and Fiona said, “Are you hurt, Mr. Frodo?”, and Elanor and Riga continued to plot.
“Hey! Let’s go on the ski lift thing!” Scila suggested, so everyone walked over to the lift to get an easy ride back to the other side of the forest.
When they got to the entrance though, Fiona, Riga, and Scila decided that the chair lift went too high and that the possibility of falling out of the chair was too great. “We’ll walk!” Riga said, “Let’s go find some deep fried twinkies…”
Meara and Elanor boarded the lift, riding over the park rides through the treetops.
“Oh my gosh! Do you hear that?” Meara said.
“I LOVE THAT SONG!”
Below them, the Elven Chorus were dressed in tight unisuits and holding make-believe electric guitars, singing loudly along to a tape of the Darkness.
Elven Chorus: “Can’t explain all the feelings that you’re making me feeel! My heart’s in overdrive and you’re behind the steering wheel! Touching yoooouu… Touching meeee!!! I believe in a thing called love, just listen to the rhythm of my heart!”
Elanor and Meara: “There’s a chance da da da da daa dooo doo dooroo doo… I BELIEVE IN A THING CALLED LOOOOOOOOOVE!! Oooooh!” (To this day, they still don’t know the words to that song.)
Meara waved to the hobbits and dwarf below. She could see Riga blotting her deep-fried Milky Way bar with a napkin.
“That won’t help, Riga!” Elanor yelled. “Your arteries are gonna clog up anyways!”
Just then, they passed by two other hobbits on another lift!
“Wow! I didn’t know there were so many hobbits in Lothlórien,” said Meara.
“Probably trees.” Elanor began to prick at her nails.
One of the hobbits, who was wearing the hottest yellow pants, waved at Meara. “Hi! I’m Joel!”
“I’m Meara!”
“Hi, Meara!”
“Nice pants!”
“Thanks! Wanna ride my horse??” Joel pointed to a horse in the crowd below (honestly, you pervs).
“YES!!”
Elanor rolled her eyes, “That’s the seventh time!” She jumped off the lift, and with a blast she turned back into a tree before landing on the ground. Then she grabbed Joel and Meara and put them down on the ground together. “I’ll be with Riga,” she said, turning back into a hobbit and walking away.
“Want to go get something to eat?” Joel asked.
“Sure!” A very happy Meara walked off arm in arm with Joel towards an ice cream stand.
Frodo watched incredulously as the two hobbits shared a large root beer float and boarded the Ferris wheel (Meara went again!). “That little [explicit content] thinks he can come over here and [explicit content] everything up just when I was going to [explicit content] and [explicit content]. Who does that [explicit content] think he is?!” he finished in a high-pitched whine.
Riga: “Wheeeeeeee! Explicit content is fun!” She and Elanor sat down on a nearby bench to watch the whole episode. Fiona had gone off to see the horses, the abandoning wench.
“I can’t let him get away with this!” Frodo said to himself as he saw them get off the Ferris wheel, “but she looks so happy! I’m never going to get her back! Unless…”
“Hey, people, I’m tired!” Scila complained, “and it’s late! Can we go to our rooms already?!”
Frodo, Riga, Elanor, Scila, Joel, Meara, and Fiona all started to walk closer to the entrance of the park. Naturally, they were distracted yet again. (As if this chapter weren’t already long enough…)
They saw a large, cheering crowd, circled all around a boxing ring. Overhead, there was a large sign that said:
THE LOTHLORIEN JOUSTING CHAMPIONSHIP: SEMI-FINALS!
“Wheee! Jousting!” Meara ran forward, pushing her way to the front of the crowd.
“So violent…” Scila shook her head in disgust.
Announcer: Heeeelllo everybody! I’m Mr. Tohulka, coming to you live from the Annual Lothlórien Jousting Championship! Entering the ring, we have…
And who else could the fellowship see jousting except:
Mr. Tohulka: Stickman and Ms. Bowers!! Ladies and gentle-elves, it’s the jousting match of the millennium! And off they go!
A bell clanged from somewhere in the woods. Dharma Bûm and Bowers took their fighting stances. They began to lunge at each other with their giant plastic lances, each trying to knock each other off their respective pedestals.
“Hey, hey, hey… I got a dime on Bowers, dime on Bowers, anyone willing to place money on Fairy Boy?” Elanor darted around the crowd taking bets. “Anyone for Fairy Boy? Anyone?”
Crowd: WHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOAA!
Bowers had given Stickman one in the face, nearly throwing him off his pedestal onto the ground. Regaining his balance, Stickman retaliated with an exceptionally violent lunge, sending Bowers flying off her pedestal!
Mr. Tohulka: People, we have some tough competition here today! Bowers, my bad, I mean, Bower is down! Remember, two out of three is the winner who will proceed to the finals!
The fight continued on for some time with various near misses and more than one painful hit. Soon, however, Stickman had steamrolled Bowers onto the ground! He was getting out all the pent up violence saved up from a semester of marine biology classes!
Despite the fact that Bowers was getting her behind handed to her, no one really likes Fairy Boy, so the crowd began to chant…
Crowd: BOWERS! BOWERS! BOWERS! BOWERS! BOWERS! BOWERS! BOWERS! BOWERS! BOWERS!
Bowers: DAMN IT, PEOPLE, IT IS BOWER NOT BOWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In her frustration, a harried Bowers, ah excuse me, Ms. Bower (honestly, though, doesn’t it just naturally come with an s at the end? sigh…) toppled off her pedestal for the third time!
Crowd: Awwww….
Stickman raised his arms in triumph and ran over to the fallen marine biology intern and started kicking her!
Meara: Get ‘er while she’s down!! Damn straight, Tawny Man! Whooo hooo!
“And that’s it, ladies and gents! Join us tomorrow for the finals!” Mr. Tohulka finished. He shut off his microphone, went over to the middle of the ring and separated Stickman from a very miffed Bowers.
Bowers: Grrrr…..
“Ah, well that was fun!” Meara said, taking Joel by the hand and walking away from the ring. The rest of the group trudged behind her.
“Are we done with the distractions now, people?” Scila grumbled.
Authors: Yep!
And so the members of the fellowship went off to sleep in their respective flets in the tops of the trees. Everything was finally noneventful… maybe.
While everyone was asleep, Frodo fell down the stairs (documentary reference!) off the tree onto the ground. He was dressed all in black and looked VERY suspicious.
“What are you doing?” John stared at him as he got up.
“What are you doing?”
“I asked you first!”
“Hmmph,” Frodo replied. “I’m going to the bathroom.”
“No, you’re not! Why the hell do hobbits have to be so annoying? Can no one have a suspicious quiet moment to themselves around here?!” John said angrily.
“I ask the same thing!” Frodo sat down next to John. “I was going over to that dude Joel’s bedroom… I need to deal with that kid; he stole my girlfriend!”
John grinned. “He’s annoying, isn’t he? Now you know what it’s like! Always doing something stupid, always getting on your nerves, always rubbing it in your face that he has the ring and not you!” he finished to himself.
“Huh?” Frodo looked at the warrior dude.
“Anyways, you aren’t capable of getting a girl… you’re a pigeon-hogging dork!” John continued.
“Hey! I can too get a girl! In fact…” Frodo glanced around and giggled, “… I stole her panties!”
Nearby, Riga and Elanor launch into a loud laughing fit.
Theater crowd: SHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
John looked at Frodo in disgust.
“What?! They’re clean! And anyways, I don’t see what’s so bad about it… the world must be peopled!!”
“If she doesn’t know you have ‘em, she’s not your girlfriend.” John got up and patted the horny hobbit on his head. “G’night, man.”
After he saw the warrior dude leave, Frodo got up and continued stealthily up a nearby set of stairs to Joel’s room.
“Dude,” Frodo said, poking the sleeping hobbit, “wake up!”
“Do I know you?” Joel said groggily as he sat up.
“You gotta try this stuff, it’s guaranteed to jack you up!” Frodo handed a pen to the sleepy Joel, who shook his head no, then reached over to the nightstand and pulled some tampon applicators out of the drawer.
“Got my own,” he said. “Thanks anyways.”
Author’s note: The events that follow are being removed to keep this story as children-friendly as possible, and were not creations of this pervy writer’s mind, but rather based on certain films. Suffice it to say, however, that Joel ended up passing out. Frodo continued on about his merry way after rummaging through all the other hobbit’s things, taking what possessions he deemed would help him win back Meara. In short, he stole his identity, the wench!
~ The next day… ~
“Good morning, Meara! Look what I got you!” said Frodo, who happened to be wearing a pair of yellow pants, as he held out an oddly shaped package with a card that said ‘From Frodo, To Meara’. Right before Frodo’s name, the word Joel had been crossed out.
Meara took the package and opened it to reveal… A TOY SWORD!
“Wooow! Thanks!” she said, and ran off to show Riga her new weapon. Frodo looked disappointed.