Chapter 18- Lothlórien
Frodo: Himself
Aragorn: Cristy
Pippin: Riga
Merry: Meara
Sam: Fiona
Boromir: John
Legolas: Stephanie
Gimli: Scila
Haldir: Mr. Martinez
Galadriel: Katerine
Celeborn: Russel
Random Elves: Ben
After about ten minutes of CPR and chest compressions Frodo revived. By this time however, Meara had had it up to here with Riga’s obsessive and elaborate death plans for the pigeonbearer, and refused to talk to anyone, including Frodo and marched through the exit and out of the Misty Mountains in a huff. The only person who had been moderately serious and capable of leading the fellowship had met with an untimely end and the ranger, Cristy, now led the Fellowship away from the dark mountain halls, and toward the home of Stephanie’s kin, Lothlorien, where everyone had a French accent. Wink~
Frodo was silent for most of the journey, Scott was dead, Meara wasn’t talking to him, and John had been giving him more and more evil, sly, underhanded looks, even more than usual!!! As for Fiona, she was having trouble keeping up with the group; she CLAIMED her swollen finger messed up her motor skills. The Fellowship was forced to stop many times for what she called “pretty landscape breaks”! When Cristy tried to urge them on ahead, Fiona would moan and collapse on the floor claiming she was “handicapped”. Scila laughed.
After Riga’s unsuccessful murder escapade, she decided to lie low for the time being and not piss Meara off anymore than usual, plus she rather missed Scott, even though he was a bitch because he had blocked her. Besides, Fiona and John were getting annoying!!! Just when she was starting to consider mutiny they approached the golden wood, home of....MR. MARTINEZ!!!!!!
All was silent once they reached the outer borders of the forest. The trees cast strange dark shadows on the group, while the Nimrodel River nearby bubbled in a muted trill.
“This place gives me the creeps!” whimpered Fiona.
“It’s cause stupid elf kids live here!” growled Scila, she had not liked Scott very much but this going to the elves for help was not much better.
“Hey I take offense at that!” chirped Stephanie as she came out of the daze she was in in which she was trying to solve the very difficult dilemma of whether she was more of a Fall or Winter Complexion.
Riga: I am a fall!
Meara: I am a Spring!!!
Fiona: I am a Summer!!
John: More like a hurricane! Arg, I’m going be sick! I hate women!!!
Riga: Machista!!
“Just where do you think you are going?” announced a strange ethereal voice from the canopy of the forest.
“Huh?!” grumbled Frodo.
“You heard me!!! State your name and business with these woods!” the voice announced angrily.
“That’s your line.” Mumbled Meara aside to Cristy.
“Oh right...uhm...ya...well...Scott is kind of...indisposed at the moment and uhm...we accidentally upset a few tourists, about thirty orcs, and a Balrog back in Moria.” Started Cristy.
“It was sooo cooool!!!!!! I have pictures!!!” chirped Fiona happily forgetting all about the bloody finger incident.
“SHHH!!!!! Don’t interrupt!” barked Scila angrily.
Cristy smiled happily. “As I was saying...ya so we have this hawk...”
“PIGEON!” screamed the rest of the Fellowship.
“Oh right, like I said we have this pigeon and it’s crazy evil, so we have to kill it. And so we are on our way to this scary fiery place called Munich...
“MORDOR!”
“Ya, like I said Munich, and we uhm, kind a need a place to stay the night or month or so.” She finished.
Suddenly, the hidden speaker of the trees popped up from behind an exceptionally talk oak and helloed the group.
“Riga: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYA!!!!!
“Get off me little person, you are messing up my cashmere cardigan.” Muttered the French elf prissily as he adjusted his beret and pried the happy-to-see-ya hobbit off of his leather couture pants.
“Buenos Dias Fiona. Still infatuated by my lavishly brilliant cheveaux?” he continued as he saw Fiona appear from behind the bushes batting away stray “mean” branches that got in her way with her uninjured hand while she cradled the other like a lost puppy.
“You are soo full of yourself!” she retorted angrily and then began to blush when she realized she had just back talked a teacher.
“He deserved it.” She whispered aside to Meara.
“I will pretend that I did not hear that.” replied the Elf smugly.
“Like I said before, you have now entered the realm of the Lord and Lady of the Golden Wood. We have heard rumors of your coming, for the messengers of Lord Geoffrey passed by Lorien on their way up the Dimrill Stair not two days ago. However, we had not heard of hobbits, or Halflings, for many a long year and did not know that any yet dwelt in Middle-Earth. You do not look evil...although you are rather dirty and stink...ahem. Yet...who am I kidding you guys look awful I am so not letting you come in and mess up my carpeting!!!” he finished abruptly on a girlish high-pitched whine.
“But we are in danger!!!! We need your help!!” screamed Meara getting outraged at Cristy’s bad oratory skills and the elf’s attention to interior design.
“I never liked you much did I?” queried the francophone.
Meara frowned.
Cristy turned around and looked for Scott to ask what they should do, but was sadly reminded that this choice was her own, and that should she ask, no answer would come...sigh...
“Please, this quest is important. All of Middle Earth stands in danger of this one evil. All the free peoples must unite in any way we can to destroy it, or we will all fall together into darkness.” Started Cristy suddenly.
Meara looked around confusedly to see who was supplanting this girl with the good speech.
“Well, when you put it that way....ALRIGHT!!!! COME WITH ME!!!!” quipped the bipolar interior designing beret wearing elf.
“Do you have Pe Tonk!?”
“Shut up John! That was supposed to be a serious, melancholy moment.” growled Meara as they started off into the trees.
“Yes, well I never fancied you much either!!!” touchéd the warrior as he marched off in a huff.
“Did you know that tomatoes are fruits?!” shrieked Riga in a happy childhood-remembrance daze suddenly for no apparent reason.
“My elementary school teacher said they were vegetables. But she was in denial. She always used to make me sit with all the people no one liked because I could “get along with everyone.’” She continued.
“I find that very hard to believe.” Muttered the warrior under his breath.
“It’s true!” she continued in a high pitched shrill.
“That is faulty Riga! Just because tomatoes have seeds, it doesn’t mean they are fruits!!” muttered the irrepressible tawny man from nowhere.
A certain chemistry teacher had helped him hook up his radio station so that he could now annoy Meara anyplace anytime.
“Yes it does!” shrieked Riga loudly.
“No it doesn’t!! That means nuts are fruits too!” retorted the ham radio dude.
“Yes, well....”
What follows is really of no consequence to this story, and had you been there you would have probably not been able to understand any of the conversation or follow the orator’s train of thought anyway. I highly doubt even Stickman and Riga knew what they where talking about for most of it. All that matters is what Riga said as she finished her ten minute debate on food classification.
“After all, they’re all vegetables!”
John, who had been trying to block out this whole banal conversation complained loudly “Couldn’t you have just said that in the first place?!”
“And avocados are fruits too!!! I love avocados!!!!!” shrieked Riga happily to herself.
“A mi no me gustan los avocados!” replied the Tawny Gentlemen smugly.
“YOU SPEAK SPANISH?!” muttered Meara and Riga amazed!!!
“Yep.”
“SAY MACHISTA!!!” exclaimed Riga.
“Machista.” He replied happily.
“WOW YOU HAVE AN ACCENT TOO!!! TAWNY MAN IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE I MIGHT ACTUALLY FIND THAT ATTRACTIVE!!!” supplied Meara happily.
Frodo frowned.
“Yes, it’s so unbelievably sexy!!!” piped Riga.
And so Meara and Riga ran ahead arm-in-arm talking to the radio as they made their way along the path.
This is going to be a long day!” sighed the tired elf.
~ Later ~
An elf lady jumped out of a tree and walked up to Mr. Martinez.
“Hi Mr. Martinez!” she smiled.
“How are you, Victoria?” he said stiffly.
“I’m looking for a hobbit Fiona... is she anywhere around here?”
“EEP!” Fiona was skipping with Meara when saw the elf lady. Unfortunately, she couldn’t hide quickly enough. “Oh my gosh... it’s her! I signed up to help her collect acorns for her Praise Anar-ar-Isil (that means Sun-and- Moon, for all you non-elvish speaking people...) Elf Congregation while Stickman and Riga were fighting about the tomatoes... and now she won’t leave me alone!!”
“Fiona!” chimed the elf lady. “Hi! (*laughs*) Can you come help me count the acorns we found?! Ok, thanks!”
She grabbed Fiona by the wrist and led her over to a tree, under which no less than 1,367 acorns were lying around.
“We have to put them into this jar, but first they have to be shelled! Thanks for volunteering to do it for me while I go tear down the Congregation’s bulletin board and do it over... honestly, it’s such an ugly board!”
Fiona grunted.
“Hey, Meara! Thanks for volunteering to help with the board!” She grabbed the very miffed Meara and began to lead her into the forest away from the fellowship.
“Wait!” Frodo called after the bossy elf lady, widening his big blue eyes. “Mr. Martinez is asking for Meara... she must come right away!!”
The elf lady shrugged and let go of Meara’s arm and went off to find someone else to help her label the new 86 Praise Anar-ar-Isil Elf Congregation t-shirts that had just come in. Frodo grabbed Meara, and they ran back to the group.
Riga narrowed her eyes at the blue-eyed hobbit.
“We all know why he saved her, don’t we?” Stephanie whispered to Riga when she saw the look on her face.
Riga grumbled. “Trying to unethically worm his way into her bed!!! The little pervy wench!”
“C’mon, Fiona! Everyone’s leaving!” Meara said as they passed by the hobbit under the tree.
“1,258... 1,259... 1,260...” Fiona counted, hunched over several little organized groups of acorns all around her. She heard a bird caw above her head and looked up to see it zooming down on her. (Well, the bird just wanted an acorn... but who can convince Fiona that the birds really aren’t after her blood??)
She shrieked and ran away, acorns flying everywhere as she escaped.
_______
The fellowship had been walking behind Mr. Martinez through the forest for the last 3 hours, so naturally, some of the members of the group were a little bit bored.
Fiona sighed. Riga sighed.
“Riga, I’m bored,” Fiona whispered.
“So am I.”
“Can we go look for some bugs or something to play with?”
“Yeah!”
The two hobbits waited until no one was looking, and then they dashed off in another direction to look for bugs. Soon, they found the type of avocado tree Mr. Martinez would faint to see, with slightly rotten fruit that had gathered several flies around it.
“Fruit flies!” Riga squealed. Fiona clapped happily. She ran up to the tree, the jar that she had used to hold the 1,260 (as far as Fiona was concerned) acorns in her hands. Together, the two hobbits managed to lure most of the flies into the jar.
“Wow! There are so many of them! You think they’ll find their soulmates if we leave them in there?” Fiona asked, gazing at the little flies.
“How can you tell which ones are females and which ones are males??” Riga asked.
Stickman’s voice resounded through the forest. “Well, the females generally have a pointy, lighter abdomen than the males, which have sex combs on their front legs...”
“Look! That one has a red butt!” said Fiona, pointing to a very distraught fly with vestigial wings.
“Those are its eyes, Fiona,” Tawny Man groaned. “Honestly, you hobbits don’t know anything about scoring flies...”
Tawny Man was in the middle of a long tirade about how hobbits should stick to gardening instead of science and Fiona and Riga were busy looking for a button to turn the radio voice off, when suddenly, an orc ran out from behind the avocado tree, snatched the fly jar from Fiona’s hands, and dumped ran away deeper into the forest.
“NOOOO!!!!!!!!!” Riga and Fiona wailed. They would have chased after the orc, but they were distracted by the muffled sounds of punching (don’t let your pervy minds get carried away) nearby.
“You are so unethical! You little...” they heard a voice say. But what or who was unethical we shall never know.
“We can only presume!” piped in Riga.
Fiona and Riga heard Mr. Martinez calling for them. “HELLLOOOO?!?! WHOOOOO HOOOO!!! LITTLE HOBBITS!!!! WHY DID YOU GO OFF TO DIRTY MY WOODS!?!”
“We’d better go back,” Fiona said, and the two of them ran back to the clearing where the fellowship was standing around.
“About time!” growled John. He looked at them. “You mean the other two aren’t with you?! My God! I’ve had enough of these hobbits!!!”
“We’re right here!” an angry-looking Meara and a dazed Frodo appeared behind the warrior dude.
“But you weren’t thirty seconds ago! Where the hell did you go off to?!?” John grumbled. But the rest of the fellowship had begun on its way again and no one was left to answer warrior dude’s question.
Like I said, we shall never know.
~Later ~
“YOU!!!!! DOING THAT THING YOU DOOOOOO!!!! BREAKING MY HEART INTO A MILLION PIECES LIKE YOU ALWAYS DOOOOOO!!!! AND YOU!!!! DON’T MEAN TO BE CRUEL!!!! YOU NEVER EVEN KNEW ABOUT THE HEARTACHE I’VE BEEN GOING THROUGH!!!!!!!!”
“AND I TRY AND TRY TO FORGET YOU GIRL, BUT IT’S JUST SOO HARD TO DO!!!! EVERYTIME YOU DO THAT THING YOU DOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”
“I LOVE THAT SONG!!!!” screamed an ecstatic Fiona as Riga and Meara sang the bestest song in the world for the umpteenth time that afternoon.
John and Scila looked about ready to impale them both with pool furniture, and even Cristy was getting a bit fed up with the “happy” music.
“Couldn’t you guys sing another song?” she asked hopefully.
Riga, who had now almost completely forgotten the whole fruit fly incident (happy French forests will do that to you) looked long at Meara and Fiona for a few moments as if in deep thought.
“No.” she replied happily.
“YA, WELL I’LL MAKE YOU STOP SINGING YOU.....” started the angry warrior as he grabbed Riga and Meara by their necks and lifted them roughly off the ground. Fiona immediately grabbed her masking tape out of her pocket. Frodo looked very worried and wondered if it was just the song or if the pigeon was making him do this. Scila was beaming.
“OK BREAK IT UP CHICAS!!!!!!!” screamed Cristy as she pulled out her pie cookie cutter and held it to John’s throat.
“I don’t know what that stupid Isildur dude was talking about. I don’t care how evil that pigeon is! HOBBITS ARE BANE!!!!” screamed the angry warrior in a hefty tirade.
Riga tried to hug him, only to be pushed away. “Don’t touch me!” he hissed.
“I love you tooo John!!!!!” piped Riga in a high-pitched trill.
Frodo: Himself
Aragorn: Cristy
Pippin: Riga
Merry: Meara
Sam: Fiona
Boromir: John
Legolas: Stephanie
Gimli: Scila
Haldir: Mr. Martinez
Galadriel: Katerine
Celeborn: Russel
Random Elves: Ben
After about ten minutes of CPR and chest compressions Frodo revived. By this time however, Meara had had it up to here with Riga’s obsessive and elaborate death plans for the pigeonbearer, and refused to talk to anyone, including Frodo and marched through the exit and out of the Misty Mountains in a huff. The only person who had been moderately serious and capable of leading the fellowship had met with an untimely end and the ranger, Cristy, now led the Fellowship away from the dark mountain halls, and toward the home of Stephanie’s kin, Lothlorien, where everyone had a French accent. Wink~
Frodo was silent for most of the journey, Scott was dead, Meara wasn’t talking to him, and John had been giving him more and more evil, sly, underhanded looks, even more than usual!!! As for Fiona, she was having trouble keeping up with the group; she CLAIMED her swollen finger messed up her motor skills. The Fellowship was forced to stop many times for what she called “pretty landscape breaks”! When Cristy tried to urge them on ahead, Fiona would moan and collapse on the floor claiming she was “handicapped”. Scila laughed.
After Riga’s unsuccessful murder escapade, she decided to lie low for the time being and not piss Meara off anymore than usual, plus she rather missed Scott, even though he was a bitch because he had blocked her. Besides, Fiona and John were getting annoying!!! Just when she was starting to consider mutiny they approached the golden wood, home of....MR. MARTINEZ!!!!!!
All was silent once they reached the outer borders of the forest. The trees cast strange dark shadows on the group, while the Nimrodel River nearby bubbled in a muted trill.
“This place gives me the creeps!” whimpered Fiona.
“It’s cause stupid elf kids live here!” growled Scila, she had not liked Scott very much but this going to the elves for help was not much better.
“Hey I take offense at that!” chirped Stephanie as she came out of the daze she was in in which she was trying to solve the very difficult dilemma of whether she was more of a Fall or Winter Complexion.
Riga: I am a fall!
Meara: I am a Spring!!!
Fiona: I am a Summer!!
John: More like a hurricane! Arg, I’m going be sick! I hate women!!!
Riga: Machista!!
“Just where do you think you are going?” announced a strange ethereal voice from the canopy of the forest.
“Huh?!” grumbled Frodo.
“You heard me!!! State your name and business with these woods!” the voice announced angrily.
“That’s your line.” Mumbled Meara aside to Cristy.
“Oh right...uhm...ya...well...Scott is kind of...indisposed at the moment and uhm...we accidentally upset a few tourists, about thirty orcs, and a Balrog back in Moria.” Started Cristy.
“It was sooo cooool!!!!!! I have pictures!!!” chirped Fiona happily forgetting all about the bloody finger incident.
“SHHH!!!!! Don’t interrupt!” barked Scila angrily.
Cristy smiled happily. “As I was saying...ya so we have this hawk...”
“PIGEON!” screamed the rest of the Fellowship.
“Oh right, like I said we have this pigeon and it’s crazy evil, so we have to kill it. And so we are on our way to this scary fiery place called Munich...
“MORDOR!”
“Ya, like I said Munich, and we uhm, kind a need a place to stay the night or month or so.” She finished.
Suddenly, the hidden speaker of the trees popped up from behind an exceptionally talk oak and helloed the group.
“Riga: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYA!!!!!
“Get off me little person, you are messing up my cashmere cardigan.” Muttered the French elf prissily as he adjusted his beret and pried the happy-to-see-ya hobbit off of his leather couture pants.
“Buenos Dias Fiona. Still infatuated by my lavishly brilliant cheveaux?” he continued as he saw Fiona appear from behind the bushes batting away stray “mean” branches that got in her way with her uninjured hand while she cradled the other like a lost puppy.
“You are soo full of yourself!” she retorted angrily and then began to blush when she realized she had just back talked a teacher.
“He deserved it.” She whispered aside to Meara.
“I will pretend that I did not hear that.” replied the Elf smugly.
“Like I said before, you have now entered the realm of the Lord and Lady of the Golden Wood. We have heard rumors of your coming, for the messengers of Lord Geoffrey passed by Lorien on their way up the Dimrill Stair not two days ago. However, we had not heard of hobbits, or Halflings, for many a long year and did not know that any yet dwelt in Middle-Earth. You do not look evil...although you are rather dirty and stink...ahem. Yet...who am I kidding you guys look awful I am so not letting you come in and mess up my carpeting!!!” he finished abruptly on a girlish high-pitched whine.
“But we are in danger!!!! We need your help!!” screamed Meara getting outraged at Cristy’s bad oratory skills and the elf’s attention to interior design.
“I never liked you much did I?” queried the francophone.
Meara frowned.
Cristy turned around and looked for Scott to ask what they should do, but was sadly reminded that this choice was her own, and that should she ask, no answer would come...sigh...
“Please, this quest is important. All of Middle Earth stands in danger of this one evil. All the free peoples must unite in any way we can to destroy it, or we will all fall together into darkness.” Started Cristy suddenly.
Meara looked around confusedly to see who was supplanting this girl with the good speech.
“Well, when you put it that way....ALRIGHT!!!! COME WITH ME!!!!” quipped the bipolar interior designing beret wearing elf.
“Do you have Pe Tonk!?”
“Shut up John! That was supposed to be a serious, melancholy moment.” growled Meara as they started off into the trees.
“Yes, well I never fancied you much either!!!” touchéd the warrior as he marched off in a huff.
“Did you know that tomatoes are fruits?!” shrieked Riga in a happy childhood-remembrance daze suddenly for no apparent reason.
“My elementary school teacher said they were vegetables. But she was in denial. She always used to make me sit with all the people no one liked because I could “get along with everyone.’” She continued.
“I find that very hard to believe.” Muttered the warrior under his breath.
“It’s true!” she continued in a high pitched shrill.
“That is faulty Riga! Just because tomatoes have seeds, it doesn’t mean they are fruits!!” muttered the irrepressible tawny man from nowhere.
A certain chemistry teacher had helped him hook up his radio station so that he could now annoy Meara anyplace anytime.
“Yes it does!” shrieked Riga loudly.
“No it doesn’t!! That means nuts are fruits too!” retorted the ham radio dude.
“Yes, well....”
What follows is really of no consequence to this story, and had you been there you would have probably not been able to understand any of the conversation or follow the orator’s train of thought anyway. I highly doubt even Stickman and Riga knew what they where talking about for most of it. All that matters is what Riga said as she finished her ten minute debate on food classification.
“After all, they’re all vegetables!”
John, who had been trying to block out this whole banal conversation complained loudly “Couldn’t you have just said that in the first place?!”
“And avocados are fruits too!!! I love avocados!!!!!” shrieked Riga happily to herself.
“A mi no me gustan los avocados!” replied the Tawny Gentlemen smugly.
“YOU SPEAK SPANISH?!” muttered Meara and Riga amazed!!!
“Yep.”
“SAY MACHISTA!!!” exclaimed Riga.
“Machista.” He replied happily.
“WOW YOU HAVE AN ACCENT TOO!!! TAWNY MAN IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE I MIGHT ACTUALLY FIND THAT ATTRACTIVE!!!” supplied Meara happily.
Frodo frowned.
“Yes, it’s so unbelievably sexy!!!” piped Riga.
And so Meara and Riga ran ahead arm-in-arm talking to the radio as they made their way along the path.
This is going to be a long day!” sighed the tired elf.
~ Later ~
An elf lady jumped out of a tree and walked up to Mr. Martinez.
“Hi Mr. Martinez!” she smiled.
“How are you, Victoria?” he said stiffly.
“I’m looking for a hobbit Fiona... is she anywhere around here?”
“EEP!” Fiona was skipping with Meara when saw the elf lady. Unfortunately, she couldn’t hide quickly enough. “Oh my gosh... it’s her! I signed up to help her collect acorns for her Praise Anar-ar-Isil (that means Sun-and- Moon, for all you non-elvish speaking people...) Elf Congregation while Stickman and Riga were fighting about the tomatoes... and now she won’t leave me alone!!”
“Fiona!” chimed the elf lady. “Hi! (*laughs*) Can you come help me count the acorns we found?! Ok, thanks!”
She grabbed Fiona by the wrist and led her over to a tree, under which no less than 1,367 acorns were lying around.
“We have to put them into this jar, but first they have to be shelled! Thanks for volunteering to do it for me while I go tear down the Congregation’s bulletin board and do it over... honestly, it’s such an ugly board!”
Fiona grunted.
“Hey, Meara! Thanks for volunteering to help with the board!” She grabbed the very miffed Meara and began to lead her into the forest away from the fellowship.
“Wait!” Frodo called after the bossy elf lady, widening his big blue eyes. “Mr. Martinez is asking for Meara... she must come right away!!”
The elf lady shrugged and let go of Meara’s arm and went off to find someone else to help her label the new 86 Praise Anar-ar-Isil Elf Congregation t-shirts that had just come in. Frodo grabbed Meara, and they ran back to the group.
Riga narrowed her eyes at the blue-eyed hobbit.
“We all know why he saved her, don’t we?” Stephanie whispered to Riga when she saw the look on her face.
Riga grumbled. “Trying to unethically worm his way into her bed!!! The little pervy wench!”
“C’mon, Fiona! Everyone’s leaving!” Meara said as they passed by the hobbit under the tree.
“1,258... 1,259... 1,260...” Fiona counted, hunched over several little organized groups of acorns all around her. She heard a bird caw above her head and looked up to see it zooming down on her. (Well, the bird just wanted an acorn... but who can convince Fiona that the birds really aren’t after her blood??)
She shrieked and ran away, acorns flying everywhere as she escaped.
_______
The fellowship had been walking behind Mr. Martinez through the forest for the last 3 hours, so naturally, some of the members of the group were a little bit bored.
Fiona sighed. Riga sighed.
“Riga, I’m bored,” Fiona whispered.
“So am I.”
“Can we go look for some bugs or something to play with?”
“Yeah!”
The two hobbits waited until no one was looking, and then they dashed off in another direction to look for bugs. Soon, they found the type of avocado tree Mr. Martinez would faint to see, with slightly rotten fruit that had gathered several flies around it.
“Fruit flies!” Riga squealed. Fiona clapped happily. She ran up to the tree, the jar that she had used to hold the 1,260 (as far as Fiona was concerned) acorns in her hands. Together, the two hobbits managed to lure most of the flies into the jar.
“Wow! There are so many of them! You think they’ll find their soulmates if we leave them in there?” Fiona asked, gazing at the little flies.
“How can you tell which ones are females and which ones are males??” Riga asked.
Stickman’s voice resounded through the forest. “Well, the females generally have a pointy, lighter abdomen than the males, which have sex combs on their front legs...”
“Look! That one has a red butt!” said Fiona, pointing to a very distraught fly with vestigial wings.
“Those are its eyes, Fiona,” Tawny Man groaned. “Honestly, you hobbits don’t know anything about scoring flies...”
Tawny Man was in the middle of a long tirade about how hobbits should stick to gardening instead of science and Fiona and Riga were busy looking for a button to turn the radio voice off, when suddenly, an orc ran out from behind the avocado tree, snatched the fly jar from Fiona’s hands, and dumped ran away deeper into the forest.
“NOOOO!!!!!!!!!” Riga and Fiona wailed. They would have chased after the orc, but they were distracted by the muffled sounds of punching (don’t let your pervy minds get carried away) nearby.
“You are so unethical! You little...” they heard a voice say. But what or who was unethical we shall never know.
“We can only presume!” piped in Riga.
Fiona and Riga heard Mr. Martinez calling for them. “HELLLOOOO?!?! WHOOOOO HOOOO!!! LITTLE HOBBITS!!!! WHY DID YOU GO OFF TO DIRTY MY WOODS!?!”
“We’d better go back,” Fiona said, and the two of them ran back to the clearing where the fellowship was standing around.
“About time!” growled John. He looked at them. “You mean the other two aren’t with you?! My God! I’ve had enough of these hobbits!!!”
“We’re right here!” an angry-looking Meara and a dazed Frodo appeared behind the warrior dude.
“But you weren’t thirty seconds ago! Where the hell did you go off to?!?” John grumbled. But the rest of the fellowship had begun on its way again and no one was left to answer warrior dude’s question.
Like I said, we shall never know.
~Later ~
“YOU!!!!! DOING THAT THING YOU DOOOOOO!!!! BREAKING MY HEART INTO A MILLION PIECES LIKE YOU ALWAYS DOOOOOO!!!! AND YOU!!!! DON’T MEAN TO BE CRUEL!!!! YOU NEVER EVEN KNEW ABOUT THE HEARTACHE I’VE BEEN GOING THROUGH!!!!!!!!”
“AND I TRY AND TRY TO FORGET YOU GIRL, BUT IT’S JUST SOO HARD TO DO!!!! EVERYTIME YOU DO THAT THING YOU DOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”
“I LOVE THAT SONG!!!!” screamed an ecstatic Fiona as Riga and Meara sang the bestest song in the world for the umpteenth time that afternoon.
John and Scila looked about ready to impale them both with pool furniture, and even Cristy was getting a bit fed up with the “happy” music.
“Couldn’t you guys sing another song?” she asked hopefully.
Riga, who had now almost completely forgotten the whole fruit fly incident (happy French forests will do that to you) looked long at Meara and Fiona for a few moments as if in deep thought.
“No.” she replied happily.
“YA, WELL I’LL MAKE YOU STOP SINGING YOU.....” started the angry warrior as he grabbed Riga and Meara by their necks and lifted them roughly off the ground. Fiona immediately grabbed her masking tape out of her pocket. Frodo looked very worried and wondered if it was just the song or if the pigeon was making him do this. Scila was beaming.
“OK BREAK IT UP CHICAS!!!!!!!” screamed Cristy as she pulled out her pie cookie cutter and held it to John’s throat.
“I don’t know what that stupid Isildur dude was talking about. I don’t care how evil that pigeon is! HOBBITS ARE BANE!!!!” screamed the angry warrior in a hefty tirade.
Riga tried to hug him, only to be pushed away. “Don’t touch me!” he hissed.
“I love you tooo John!!!!!” piped Riga in a high-pitched trill.