Chapter 20: Farewell to Lórien
Frodo: Himself
Sam: Fiona
Pippin: Riga
Merry: Meara
Aragorn: Cristy
Boromir: John
Legolas: Stephanie
Gimli: Scila
Celeborn: Chris
Galadriel: Katherine
Lots of people are missing from this list... deal with it.
As Fiona began making breakfast for the rest of the fellowship, Riga and Meara decided to run off into the woods and try out Meara’s new sword on the unsuspecting elf population of Lóthlorien. Although we all know Meara had a certain elf in
Stickman: PRESUME! PRESUME! PRESUME!! PRES....smack
John sat around the campfire grumbling about not getting enough sleep the night before because certain little people were prone to fall out of trees. Stephanie was combing her hair and trying to rub of a smudge on her nose she had obtained in Moria. Scila tried to tell her it was a bruise, but she refused to believe that elves could get contusions. Frodo was asleep.
“WOOHHOOO!!! I love this thing!!!!” screamed Meara as she attacked random bushes and lunged around corners.
“Ow! Watch the trees you hit with that, Meara! I was sleeping!” Elanor cried grumpily as an overly enthusiastic Meara whacked her.
“Put that thing away little person! That is dangerous! WHAT MORON GAVE THAT KID A SWORD?!” screamed Mr. M as he turned a corner and was assailed with multiple blows to the head.
“That would be Frodo.” Replied Riga cheerfully as the grumbling francophone walked away. “Eunuch you know. Wonderful singing voice. Ahem. Personally, I am shocked Fruity could give such a great gift.”
“Me too, Joel mentioned it yesterday but I didn’t think...hey where is Joel? Isn’t he up yet?” queried Meara.
SUDDENLY A DARK SHAPE RAN ACROSS THE CLEARING WHERE THEY WERE STANDING.
“WHAT WAS THAT?!” squealed Meara.
“I didn’t see anything. Breakfast?” asked Riga and they walked back to camp.
They returned to camp to see Mr. M addressing their companions as they quickly packed up their belongings.
“I’m charged to see you off safely out of the borders of our forest. By the riverbank are some boats which you may take as far as your journey will allow. By taking the Great River you can ensure some safety until you reach the falls. Although you will soon enough have to decide whether to take the West bank to Minas Tirith or the East bank to Mordor.”
“Boats?!” whimpered Fiona as she gulped audibly, recalling the last rowing incident and holding her finger protectively.
“Is my hair going to get wet?” Stephanie asked worriedly.
The members of the fellowship finished eating their breakfast, and then followed Mr. M to the river, where three boats were anchored to a tree.
“Ok! You warrior dude, with these two!” the French elf commanded. “You’ll probably have to do all the work.” He finished as he summed up the two hobbits and pushed Riga and Meara towards a very miffed John.
“HEY! Riga and Meara the collective force take offensive at that!!!!” was the simultaneous reply.
“Not again!” moaned Scila.
“The other two little people, with you Cristy! And I guess that leaves the dwarf and the elf.” Finished the francophone oblivious.
“Wait! I want to come, too!” screamed Elanor as she switched into hobbit mode and climbed hurriedly on one of the boats.
“...and the tree.” Mr. M added with a grunt. “I suppose I should be glad my forest won’t be dirtied anymore, but I will miss you people...a little, anyways.”
“Dirtied isn’t a verb, Mr. M.” Riga replied condescendingly.
“FINE THEN LEAVE!!! Oh no, wait, one last thing...the Lady left some food for you all to take on your journey.”
Riga and Meara looked up hopefully.
“We actually ran out of the usual lembas.”
Growl!
“So I suppose these will have to do...” the elf brought out three large packets of food, taking out a bar of some sort enclosed in a wrapping that said...
“FLAPJACKY CAKEY THINGS! OH MY GOSH, THE LOVE!!!” Riga squealed excitedly as she grabbed the bar greedily. John quickly took the rest of the pack and hid it under his seat.
“One bite of lembas is usually enough to fill the stomach of a grown man, so it would help you out on the more...erm...unpleasant parts of your journey. BUT I HAVE NO CLUE ABOUT THESE THINGS! GOOD LUCK EH!” and with that he disappeared.
Dharma Bum: I object! Flapjacky Cakey Things are leavened!
Riga: HAHA!
Scila: Riga, you are such an atheist!
Riga: I am not!
Stickman: Yeah, don’t label, Priscila!
Scila: But you have to have a religion!
Ellie: No, you don’t!
Stickman: That’s right! Riga and Elanor... are nothing.
Scila: I already know they don’t have a religion. They’re going to hell.
Riga: Ooooh... pretty!
Stickman: No, Scila! They are nothing!
Scila: Shut up, evil kid! You’re going to hell, too!
Riga: ... There’s balloons and fire and flowers in hell! And nice, drunk
people!
Ellie: But he can’t go to hell in his little world because he thinks Jesus
wasn’t the messiah... but he can in your world, Scila! looks confused
That’s the problem with religions! So complicated!
Riga: How do we even know religion exists??
Stickman: Ah ha, good point!
Ellie: Philosophy is confusing!
Stickman: You should try theology!
Stephie: (to Scila) ... wouldn’t let my mother in the church because the
Pope would get turned on!
Ellie: Huh?! I always listen in at the wrong time!!
Scila: Have you guys even been to church?
Riga and Ellie: Yeah! Long time ago...
Stephie: Alex has probably been to church more than you guys have.
Ellie: Probably... I used to go.
Riga: Me too. I was forced to go with my nanny on Sundays.
Scila: That’s horrible! You don’t go to someone’s house if you don’t have a
religion!
Stickman: That doesn’t make any sense!
Scila: God’s house!
Riga: I like churches because they’re pretty!
Stephie: Roman Catholic churches are pretty... lots of stained glass... but
Protestant churches are ugly!
Scila: Protestants are evil!
Meara: Growl
Stephie: What?!
Scila: Catholics and Protestants don’t like each other! Mr. Webb told me
so!
Meara and Scila: WE DON’T!
Stickman: That was, like, in the 16th century!
Scila and Meara: SO?
Stickman: If we were in medieval times, we wouldn’t be having this
conversation and you’d be hanging me up on a cross!
Riga: Ooh! I want to see that!
Stephie: That’s disgusting!
Ellie: rolls on the ground, laughing
Comic Book Guy: Worst religious conversation EVER!
Stickman: CONFUUUUUUSION!
Meara: Arg you are soo irritating!!
Stickman: Hey, I didn’t even say anything remotely negative towards you...ahem..yet!!!!
Meara: SO!
Stickman: SO YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE MAJOR ISSUES!
Meara: AND WHAT? YOU ARE NORMAL?!!! YOU PROVOKE ME!
Stickman: I PROVOKE YOU!? I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING!!!
Meara: YOU GIVE OFF NEGATIVE VIBES!!!
Stickman: WHAT VIBES!?! DON’T GO ALL FENG SHUI ON ME NOW...
YOU KNOW, ALL THIS FIGHTING COULD BE CONSIDERED
FLIRTING!!
Silence
Meara: Oh shut up Alex!!!
Stickman: geeeeshhhh! I PITY YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND AND ANYONE WHO
CONSIDERS APPROACHING YOU AT CLUBS!
Riga: (Aside) Only you Stickman! (Aloud) Oh SHUT UP!
They pushed off the riverbank and guided their boats out to the middle of the river and began to paddle forward.
“Bye Mr. M wherever you are!!!” screamed the hobbits as they waved to the random elves they saw on shore.
Fiona sniffed. “I’m gonna miss him...”
“Stroke!!! Stroke!!! Stroke!!!!!! My, what a pretty boat...ship!!!! LOOK AT THE TREEESSS!!!!” screamed Riga as she coxed the very annoyed warrior down the river.
The boats quickly moved downstream pasts the forest of Lóthlorien. Riga and Meara soon became very bored and after a very intense battle with John managed to steal the pack of Flapjacky Cakey Things.
“Hey! There’s something else in here!” exclaimed Meara as she pulled out a bottle of RED BULL.
“HOLY FREAKIN’ TATERS!! YES!!” screamed Riga as she grabbed the bottle and pulled out two cups.
“Get that bottle away from her!!!” screamed the other hobbits simultaneously, but John felt like ignoring them at the moment and wanted to see what would happen.
TEN MINUTES LATER
“THIS STUFF IS SOOOOOO CRAZYYYYYY!!!!! WAIT!? HOW CAN IT HAVE 250% VITAMINS?!” hiccupped Meara loudly as she started laughing.
“LOOK AT THE PRETTY BIRDIES!!!!” screamed Riga as she guzzled another glass.
“I CAN SMELL THE SUGAR FROM OVER HERE! MEARA PUT THAT THING DOWN!” screamed Frodo.
Riga and Meara turned to each other and burst into a fit of laughter.
“We are so going to get caught!!!” whimpered Elanor.
“Here! Take some!” Meara said, handing the distraught tree a cup brimming to the top with Red Bull.
“No, no, I don’t want any, that’s okay, “Elanor protested as the cup was pushed into her hands. She set it down carefully on the bottom of the boat. Yes, it was a tremendous mistake in retrospect: As the canoe made a sharp turn (Mrs. M: REVERSE SWEEP! REVERSE SWEEP!), the cup was knocked over and its contents spilled all over Elanor’s feet.
“Eeeew...” she whined as she stuck her feet out of the boat into the water, trying to wash away the stickiness. The whole place reeked of highly concentrated powerful sugar and caffeine substitutes.
“Riga, maybe we shouldn’t of had cheesecake for breakfast this morning?” whispered Meara as she turned towards Riga.
“NAHHHH!!!”
“Hello there! The angel from my nightmare! The shadow in the background of the morgue. The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley. We can live like Jack and Sally if we want to. And you can always find me. And we’ll have Halloween on Christmas and in the night we’ll wish this never ends. We’ll wish this never ends!” sang Riga loudly and off key.
“MISS YOU MISS YOU!!!!!! DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME ON MY YOUR’E ALREADY THE VOICE INSIDE MY HEAD!!! MISS YOU MISS YOU!!! screamed Meara.
“NOT THAT SONG!!! STOP SINGING!!! STOP SINGING!!!” screamed Elanor.
It was nearing sundown when they turned down a large bend in the river and saw a large swan moving slowly towards them.
“AHHHHH IT WANTS MY SOUL!” screamed Fiona suddenly as she jumped under the boat.
“Hey, it’s a boat!” chirped Cristy.
“Hello, my friends. You did not think we would let you leave without a goodbye did you?” The Lady Katherine asked as the boat moored up right along Cristy’s.
Chris stood next to her. “Follow me.”
As the fellowship disembarked and entered the boat Katherine and Chris came forward.
“Now it is time to drink the cup of farewell. Drink, Lord of the Galadhrim! And let not your heart be sad, though night must follow noon, and already our evening draweth nigh.” Stated Katherine solemnly as she passed the cup to Chris’s lips.
She then brought the cup to each of the Company, and bade them drink and farewell. Which really wasn’t such a good idea seeing as how Riga was still mildly and Meara was 100% drunk.
“We have drunk the cup of parting and the shadows fall between us. But before you go, I have brought in my ship gifts which the Lord and Lady now offer you in memory of your time spent here.” Then she called to each of them in turn.
“Here is the gift of Chris and Katherine to the leader of your Company....Cris...”
Meara had burst into a fit of laughter but was quickly silenced by Elanor and Fiona.
“To you, Ranger of the North, I give you these two worms, to place in the soles of your shoes, may your steps never falter.”
Meara: SNORT!!!!
SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
“To you, our Northern Kin, I give you these fishnet stockings and these colorful thongs.”
“I would watch them if I were you.” She added as she glared at Frodo menacingly.
Riga and Ellie look at each other simultaneously and burst into laughter (very stan-partickishly)!
“And to you, Man of Gondor, I give you this Apu hat and the words “THANK YOU COME AGAIN!”
“Hey I want one!!!” exclaimed Ellie loudly. “Being a tree sucks...”
“STOP THE INTERRUPTIONS!!!!” screamed Katherine menacingly.
Hobbits: Meep!
“Scila, I give you this arsonist leprechaun, I can’t think of a good reason at the moment, but it may come in use someday.”
“Fiona, I give you rope.”
“But, I kind of...I mean...I already...thank you.” Fiona grumbled miserably as she accepted her third flank of rope. It had been a popular birthday present for her.
Authors: And now... in a momentous event in this story, we are proud to present:
Fiona’s Soliloquy in Pros
In a matter of seconds that went unnoticed by the others, Fiona casually walked aside from the bunch and traveled towards a secluded corner to think about the present she had just received.
“Speaks to mind’s ear:”
(WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?)
“Rope again!!!! I guess they just keep forgetting that I have gotten rope from them for every occasion for the past 100 years. I can tie up the universe many times before I run out of rope. I can’t stand it anymore!!! I love them all, but honestly, I want something different, a surprise for once.
Perhaps a pan so that I can whack them senseless (not really because I love them all too much). Well, I must be getting back to the bunch, they must be wondering where I have gone.”
Authors: O o
0
Stephanie: That’s not how you spell soliloquy. And does she mean prose?
Elanor: Stop being discouraging!
“To you, Riga and ....ahem...Meara I give you these antennae. For...your own amusement.” Riga and Meara beamed, quickly grabbed the two pairs of shamrock antennae put the on their heads and attacked each other like deer. Cristy soon separated them.
“And to you pigeon bearer I give you these googly eye glasses, which will help you to see in dark places when all other lights go out.”
Frodo quickly put them on and faced Riga, Meara and Ellie.
“Hey girls!”
Ellie: How adorably pathetic...
Riga: Don’t encourage IT...
Meara who is still drunk screamed and hide behind Fiona.
Smack
“I JUST FRACTURED MY AEORTA!”
Riga smiles.
“And these, my friends, are trench coats. Sewn by me and my ladies in waiting from our finest thread. May they protect you and hide you from harm when in direst need. Though you are soon to leave our borders, I wish to invite you to sup with us one last time. We have a surprise for you.” Katherine finished mysteriously as she summoned two elves to her.
Meara and Elanor: GASP!!!! NOT YOU!!!!!
Scila: BOSSY ELF LADY!!!!
“Hi you guys!!” smile “I’m in charge of your surprise party!!! Probably shouldn’t have told you that! Hope you like it!!!! I could really use your help though. Fiona! Meara? We need to get the band ready, and the decorations, and the food, and the.....” chirped the annoyed lady as she dragged the two hobbits away.
“Is she still drunk?” asked Frodo.
“Yep!” smiled Elanor.
“Well, ahem. In that case, I should go find her.” And with that, he took out the googly eye-glasses he had just obtained and walked off peering at every female he could find. It was his way of “looking for Meara.” Little did anyone know, the eye-glasses on springs provided him with a very...ahem...different point of view of these women. Let’s just say he was looking at them from a whole new ANGLE!
Meara: That doesn’t make any sense, bloody pervs!
Ellie and Riga were watching him and laughing hysterically.
“You kind of feel sorry for him,” said Ellie pensively.
“Yes, but mostly its just funny,” giggled Riga.
Ellie shook her head, “For his own good, I hope he doesn’t find Meara.”
Meanwhile, Stephanie was (you won’t believe it) fraternizing with the ENEMY! (orcs) Priscila, who was looking for someone to bother, discovered her “canoodling” with an excessively disgusting looking orc thing with a squishy face (Chris). Intent upon their destruction, Scila leapt up from behind them and began to question the orc non-stop about a certain Balrog who had not shown her face at the party.
Meara’s dictionary: Canoodling= Cuddling and a little more!
Intent upon their destruction, Scila leapt up from behind them and began to question the orc non-stop about the absentee Balrog. Stephanie, shocked at the fact that someone dared disturb her canoodling time, leapt into the air, freeing Chris from his previous pinned down position...Chris was on his feet, backing away from Scila.
“She was tired, alright?!” Chris yelped, “She said to tell people she was sleeping! Personally, I think she has indigestion. She’s been eating way too many wizards these days, without being picky. Understand, annoying wizards lead to annoying stomach pains. I’ve told her this countless times, it is NOT my fault if she doesn’t listen!”
Scila decided to let the orc off the hook, “OK, you can live, but the next time I catch you trying to rape my elf, this axe is going right in the center of that squishy face of yours.” And with that, Scila grabbed Stephanie and trotted off to find a good place to yell at her for consorting with rapists.
Elanor and Riga, bored, decided to find Meara and Fiona so as to save them from both Frodo and the bossy elf. Having no leads, and knowing how drunk Meara was, they thought it was a good idea to check the bar first. After twisting through the crowd, the two hobbits came upon a table with a cooler and 20 boxes of pizza on it. Behind the table, Ben the elf was sitting in a chair, his face hidden by a book.
Chris, seeing the hobbits approach the bar, ran over to them excitedly. He was carrying with one arm a box of pizza, with half of a pizza inside. With the other hand, he was stuffing a slice in his mouth. Between bites, he said enthusiastically, “Hey girls...Want a slice of my pizza?!”
Ellie rolled her eyes disgustedly, “Chris, I wouldn’t eat your pizza if it was the last pizza in Middle-Earth!”
Riga’s mouth was watering, “I want a slice, Chris! Mmmmm, pizza!”
Ellie smacked Riga with a tree branch and berated her for falling for the worst pick-up line ever.
Riga, disheartened at the fact that she wouldn’t be getting a slice of pizza, turned to the bartender, “What’re you reading??”
Ben looked up, miffed, and said, “Huh?”
Riga sighed, “I wanted to know what you were reading! And if you can get around to it, some alcohol would be nice...”
Elanor smacked Riga again, “We’re looking for Meara and Fiona, we aren’t here to drink!”
Ben smiled and said, “I’m reading The Count of Monte Cristo, and it’s really good!”
Riga smiled back, “I’m sure it is! My book is really good too! But I’m almost done with it, and that’s sad, because I only brought one on this journey, quest, thing...”
Elanor sighed, “Ya, I’m almost done with my book too. Riga, we can switch when we finish! Ben, have you seen Meara and Fiona??”
Ben looked pensive for a moment, and finally said, “Nope! But if you see them, you can tell them to come visit the bar and grace it with their loveliness!”
And with that, Ellie and Riga gave Ben great big hugs and began to think about where they should look next.
Meanwhile, Meara and Fiona were busy writing nametags for all of the guests and band members at the party, while the evil bossy elf wench watched over them.
“You guys will have to do that one over; you put an extra ‘n’ in the name!”
Meara was very angrivated (John term), “Why do we have to do this?!”
“So that people don’t forget who they are,” was the tart reply.
Fiona was sobbing, “She’s worse than birds!”
Alec: Scrumptiously crunchable birdses!
Meara suddenly got an idea, and said to the elf, “Oh my gosh! One of the band members over there just threw his name tag on the floor!”
Then, almost like she was one of the wenches sensing the presence of the Pigeon of Doom, the bossy elf hissed and jerked around, running over to send the band member who had just defiled his name tag to hell! And she has the power to send people to hell; I wouldn’t underestimate that power of hers.
Meara grabbed Fiona and they ran, heading for the bar, which was the only place they figured that the bossy elf would never follow them to. However, they had underestimated the stubborn determination of elves, and got to the bar only to find that Bossy Elf Girl had indeed followed them, and, sensing where they were going, had arrived there before they did.
Meara and Fiona: GASP!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
(The elf was one of those people who regularly run miles for fun, and thus was more fit and agile than the helpless hobbits.) Fortunately, Ellie and Riga were still at the bar when Bossy Elf Girl had arrived, and managed to subdue her long enough for Ben to find an empty bottle and break it on her head. (bartenders are so useful, aren’t they?)
Ben: Hey! I would never do that, you guys! Don’t make me mean!
Authors: gracefully ignore Ben’s protests
Reunited at last, the four hobbits and Ben (I wonder whatever happened to Frodo...) gave each other big hugs and pondered over what they should do next. Seeing a whole bunch of orcs by the wall, and not wanting to be seen, Meara plopped down on the floor and said, “Let’s play poker!”
The hobbits and Ben sat down next to her. Riga, thinking, said, “What should we use to bet with?”
Fiona thought for a while, and then shouted, “Let’s bet like the people in Benny and Joon!”
There was a communal, “YAY!” and everyone set about writing their bets on slips of paper.
Meara covertly stole a peak at Fiona’s paper while she furtively wrote her items on the scratches of paper.
Riga did the same...so did Ellie...Fiona and Ben did not! Losers!
“DONE!” screamed Riga and they each put their pieces of paper into their respective Dixie cups.
“Ok, so everyone gets one card and they hold it over their head and.....” started Meara.
“MEARA WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING! WHAT ABOUT THE NAME TAGS!!!!” screamed the evil lady as she came back to life!!!
“WHY WON’T YOU DIE!!!!” wailed Meara as she collapsed in a fit of tears.
Ben looked about ready to grab another bottle when suddenly Riga stopped him and smiled wickedly at the bossy elf.
“Why don’t you play a round love?”
“What are we betting?”
“SOULS!!!!”
“NOW WAIT JUST A MINUTE!” screamed Scila.
“WHAT!?!” exclaimed the elf hysterically.
“Just kidding! Anything you want.” Laughed Riga suspiciously.
“Meara, there you are! Feeling any better?” asked Frodo as he popped out from among the crowd still wearing his googly eye glasses.
“Who are you!?” whimpered Meara still hidden behind Fiona.
“Why I’m....that is a tough question.... does she know!?” whispered Frodo to himself.
Suddenly, Meara’s face glazed over in understanding (the red bull had worn off) and she turned toward the pervy hobbit. On seeing his glasses and realizing how they...ahem....worked she lunged at the poor creature! Riga and Ellie burst into a fit of laughter.
“I’m in!” screamed the bossy elf and she put her pieces of paper in the cup and Meara got up from tackling Frodo.
Riga: Snort Copy.....smack!!!!!!!
“OK, now...settles hair...where were we...oh yes. Everyone gets a card and holds it over their foreheads not looking at it. You then look at everyone else’s cards and decide whether to bet or fold depending on how high their cards are. Understood?”
“Yep”
And so they passed out the cards.... Some time later.
“Got any twos?”
“Arg, Fiona we are not playing GO FISH!” growled Riga as she lost to Fiona for the 5th time in a row.
“Yayayayayaya, happy o’s I won again!” chirped Fiona as she picked up all the pieces of paper in the pot.
“Let’s see, A tree!!!!! Meara’s left sneaker!! A moldy bra!! A SMILE!!!! YAYAYAYAYA!!! THE SHIRE!!!!! AND....permission to decorate the Sophomore board??? Who wrote this one?!” mumbled a discouraged Fiona.
Everyone glared at the elf.
“Alright, hurry up, I want my shoe back. Next round!” mumbled Meara as she passed out the deck.
Everyone grabbed their card and placed it over their forehead.
Riga squinted and eyed the others with a look of contempt. Fiona chewed on her lip in concentration. Ellie started coughing loudly and inconspicuously stole one of Meara’s cards. Meara was too busy humming.
“Oookkkk....I bet my right shoe.” Mumbled Meara pensively as she regretfully placed the paper in the cup.
“Ok, I bet HAPPINESS!!!” exclaimed Fiona enthusiastically.
“I bet the shark mascot outfit.” Replied the elf.
“I’ll bet trout.” chirped Ben.
Silence
Ellie whispered over at Riga and they both smiled evilly.
“I bet Frodo!”
“WHAT!?” screamed Meara.
“THAT’S NOT ALLOWED!!!!!”
“YOU CAN’T BET HUMAN BEINGS!!!!”
“YA YOU CAN THIS IS BENNY AND JOON STYLE!!!” shrieked Riga evilly.
“AND I BET DOM!”
GASP
“NO FAIR!!!”
“And...” replied Ellie. “I win!”
“WHAT!?”
Riga had a look of pure loathing on her face, Meara was weeping.
“Here, Meara you can have the smile, and your shoes back.” Started Fiona consolingly.
“That’s alright Fiona. Thanks anyway.” Whimpered Meara as she shuffled the deck.
“Oooooh, Can I play?!” asked a tall elf named Raymond as he approached the group.
“Alright, but we are betting people!!!” chirped Elli happily as she distributed the cards.
“No prob.”
They carefully placed the cards on their foreheads and glared at each other menacingly.
“I bet BILLY!” screamed Meara as she slapped the paper into the cup.
“HEY!” screamed Ellie angrily. “I thought we already decided he was mine!”
“I bet....ROPE!!!!” exclaimed Fiona happily as she mentally crossed off one sling of rope she would not have to bring to Mordor.
“I bet...Alec, the product of hasty and unprotected ahem, unborn child of Geoffrey and .... Father unknown.” Replied Riga happily.
“I bet more trout!” mumbled Ben.
“Glittery paint!” mumbled the elf.
“The palantir!” chirped Ellie.
“Frodo!” exclaimed Raymond.
“NOW WAIT JUST A BLOODY MOMENT! PEOPLE, YOU CAN’T KEEP DOING THAT!!!!!!” screamed Meara.
“I WIN!!!!” screamed Fiona happily.
“NOOOO!!!!! BILLY IS MINE!!! I’LL TRADE YOU FIONA!!!” exclaimed Ellie desperately.
“No way!” chirped Fiona.
ARG, THIS TIME IT’S FOR KEEPS!!!!!” screamed Riga angrily and they shuffled one last time.
Meara still fuming sorted the deck and threw the cards to the players. They placed them on their heads.
“Alright, I bet ...Capt. Jack Sparrow!” growled Meara as she forcefully tossed the paper into the cup.
“The rights to the presidency!” smirked the elf.
Meara glowered!
“A BIG HUG!”
“ALEC 2, the hasty product of.....”
“The Count of Monte Cristo”
“THE ENTIRE CAST OF LOTR!!!”
SILENCE
“Can she do that?” Fiona whispered to Meara.
“Yep, I’d say she could!”
“Who said that?!?!” Meara screamed.
“ME! HI!”
Everyone turned around and saw....
“OH MY GOSH IT’S DOM!!!!!!!!!!” Riga squealed!
Dominic Monaghan waved back at them.
“Oi, man, aren’t you going to introduce us?” Someone else interjected.
Dom gave a giant bow, and said: “Presenting.... The irrepressible Billy Boyd!
Elijah Wood! (Meara swoons) Sean Astin! Orlando Bloom! Andy Serkis! (hello, my loves!) Bernard Hill! Ian McKellen! Peter Jackson! Phillipa Boyens! Fran Walsh! Ian Holmes! Liv Tyler! Sean Bean! Mark Odesky! Rick Porras! (Gonzalo the Tree’s Brother: I told you he was gay...) Howard Shore! OK, I’m tired, people! You get the gist, we’re all here!”
John Rhys-Davies shook his head. “I resent always being forgotten...”
Viggo Mortensen pushed to the front of the crowd.
"How could you forget me, kid?! I'm the most important!"
Fiona nodded in agreement.
His attention was suddenly diverted however as he saw Frodo, who sat with a two of spades on his forehead looking blankly at the famous people.
"What the-- YOU STOLE MY PANTS!"
Frodo covertly looked around, got up, and ran off, with a very miffed cowboy at his heels.
Meara blinked. “I knew those looked familiar.”
“YOU MEAN TO TELL ME NOBODY SAW THAT?! NOBODY SAW THAT!!” Riga squeaked as she pointed towards some nearby bushes.
“Saw what?” Fiona replied.
Riga muttered something about a dark figure and nobody paying attention.
“I saw it,” Dom said to her with a confused look on his face.
“What’s going on? Are we playing poker or not?! May I remind everyone that you all currently belong to me!” Elanor yelled as she forced everyone back to the poker game. “These are very high stakes here!”
With everyone sitting back around the cards, Meara proceeded to deal out cards again to all 15 people playing. (Yeah, we don’t know where they came from either.)
Meara dramatically called, “Go.”
All the players raised a card to their foreheads and looked around.
“Damn it! I fold!” Riga said as she looked around, and so did most of the other players.
Meara hesitated when she saw the horrible elf’s card. “Umm... I suppose I’ll stay in...”
Meara and Bossy Elf put their cards down.
Meara: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Wow! I win! What’d I win again? Ooh! All of you!! ... I’m gonna need you guys to please follow me to the river, we’ve got to clean up all the trash the party people left...”
The entire cast and crew of the Lord of the Rings groaned loudly as the trudged along behind the elf. Elanor and Meara sat in a furious rage, Riga was muttering unintelligently to the voices in her head, and Fiona began to cry. (“The world is against us!!!)
Billy whispered something to Dom, who nodded back and proceeded to repeat the message to everyone else in the group. Suddenly, everyone ran up, grabbed the Bossy Elf, dragged her off to the water, and threw her in!
Meara: Whooooo hoo!!
Vicki: Et tu, Meara?
Meara: I’m Cassius, not Brutus! Shut up and go away already, jeesh!
The Bossy Elf floated down the Silverlode, down the Great River Anduin, and finally out to sea, where she passed out of the realm of Middle-Earth for all eternity.
“Yayaya! She’s gone! You guys rule!!” The hobbits jumped on top of the entire cast and crew of the Lord of the Rings and gave them all BIG HUGS!
Suddenly a loud voice was discernable from the other end of the boat...
“I’ve never had much luck with the ladies.”
“Well, maybe if you stopped stealing their panties!!!!”
“PATRICK!!!!” screamed Ellie and Riga instantaneously as they disentangled themselves from the hobbit pile and ran off to hug the pervy technician.
Patrick staggered under the weight of the two hobbits who’ll like anyone. Meara trudged along grumpily, not at all happy with his mysterious appearance.
“You’re adorably pathetic!” Elanor beamed to Patrick.
“Everyone forgetting his pervy tendencies I see.” Grumbled Meara inaudibly.
“Nope!” they replied cheerfully as they hugged him tighter.
“Umm... thanks...” He looked at the two hobbits curiously. “Are you sure you aren’t mistaking me for someone else?”
“Nah, Patrick,” Stan interrupted. “They want their panties back.”
“No, we do not!” Riga said indignantly.
“Typical.” Sighed Meara.
Fiona sat in a corner of the vessel trying in vain to get Viggo to talk to her while he was obviously more interested in fishing.
“You’re so mean!!!!!!!!” squealed Fiona sadly as she tried to keep from drooling more than was healthy.
“Want some fish curry?” he muttered.
WAIL!!!!!
Frodo was mysteriously absent!!! Someone might have tied him up to a Viggo....or maybe he was defenestrated...you never know!
Scila was playing Pe Tonk with John (typical).
Meara was very confused!!! She was now confronted with three look a like Frodos.....wait...make that four....
“Since when did you turn all Sigourney Weaver on us Casey?”
“CASEY!!!!!” screamed Ellie and Riga as they left Patrick for the alien obsessed adorable loser, this time Meara followed happily.
Patrick, looking hurt, followed after them. “Riga? Elanor? I don’t know what I did wrong, but I’m sorry!”
“AHHHHRGGGGH!” Casey yelled as Riga, Elanor and Meara ran towards him. “THEY WANT MY SOUL! DON’T TRUST THEM!! ALIENS! FIENDS, ALL OF YOU, GET AWAY!”
“I reckon he’s spent too much time at that school of his,” Huck Finn sighed.
“Why has no one ever seen my movie?” wailed the guy from Ash Wednesday, trying to find some person who at least knew his name!
Frodo came back from nowhere. “Is the Ranger still hunting for me?” he asked Elanor.
“Elijah!” she replied happily, giving him a hug.
“What? No!” Frodo looked confused as he looked around and saw... his clones.
“Wow!” Casey said, “The aliens have the ability to mimic appearances...”
“What aliens, Patrick?” Stan asked Casey.
“The ones that erased my memory! I know I’ve seen all these guys before! They look so familiar!” Patrick replied as he studied the faces of all the people around him.
“What the hell is going on?” Elijah Wood exclaimed. “I’ve heard of some scary fans before, but I didn’t know I had any!”
“Where am I?” Barney inquired.
Meara: I AM SO CONFUUUSED!!!!!!!!
And to that Jones said, “Have you seen my pen anywhere? I seem to have misplaced it...”
“Are there any dolphins in this river?” asked Sandy as he peered at the water.
“Help me!!” a distraught kid ran in between all them. “Macaulay Culkin is coming to get me!!!”
“It’s the end of the world!!! Run away while you can!!!!!” Leo shrieked.
“THEY ARE COMING!!!” Casey joined in the shrieking.
ALL OF THEM AT ONCE IN A TERRIBLY LOUD AND GIRLISH MANNER: “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!”
“Ok, ya know what? I’ve had enough!” Elanor screamed above all the shrieking, and she went off to find Billy.
“HOTDOGS!” Riga squealed happily.
Ellie and Riga dragged Meara away from the shrieking hoard and walked over to the other end of the boat.
“Hey, you guys, you gotta try this stuff!” Fiona offered as she held out a dish of curry. She had a cowboy hat on.
Ian McKellen, Elijah, Dom and Billy were sitting down drinking Red Bull. Meara and Riga instantly winked at each other and slide between them each grabbing a bottle.
Elanor reached Billy and asked, “Did you miss me?”
“Hmm?” he said. “You’re right here.”
Ellie looked hurt.
“Ahem, I mean, yes, I do!”
“I guess that means we’re married!” Elanor said happily as she hugged the confused Scottish man and jumped in his lap.
“Ouuuff!”
“HEY THAT WAS UNDERHANDED COURTING!” screamed Meara hysterically as she jumped up rather dizzily and was quickly pulled back down.
“MY TURN!” screamed Riga as she grabbed Dom’s hand. “LET’S GO CONQUER SOMETHING!!!”
“RIGA!!” exclaimed an astounded Meara.
And so the general merrymaking and partying went on for several more hours, but seeing as how you’ve already had about 20 pages of this stuff, we’re going to start thinking about wrapping it up...
"Hmm... There is only one thing that can make this any better..." muttered Meara to herself.
"YOU DOING THAT THING YOU DO!!! BREAKING MY HEART INTO A MILLION PIECES LIKE YOU ALWAYS DOOOO!!! AND YOOUUUUUUUU!!!!
“Actually, that was not who I would have put....”
Authors: Guess who?
Audience: THE ONEDERS!!!!!
Authors: Wonders, people, The Wonders!
Stickman: Actually, they didn't really invent the song. Another group called-
Authors: SHUT UP, ALEX!
And so the Fellowship’s time at Lothlórien came to its end as the swan boat sailed through the Golden Wood and the entire cast and crew of the Lord of the Rings, Frodo’s clones, the hobbits, the elves, the wizards, the dwarf, and the tree go-go danced to the happy, happy music. Soon, the time came for them to go back to their elven canoes and say goodbye to all the happy people.
Elanor: sniff I’m crying!
“It’ll be okay...” Billy said as he gingerly patted Elanor on the back.
Riga: I OBJECT I WANT ANOTHER DOM HUG!!! ENOUGH CANOODLING ELLIE!!!!
“WHAAAAAA!” Ellie wailed as she gave him yet another huge hug.
Ellie: Wink
Looking over his shoulder, she winked at Meara, who threw her hands up exasperatedly and began to dart around the boat, giving all the elves handshakes. Finished with her goodbyes, she climbed down the stairs to get out of the boat; but unfortunately, she slipped and ended up rolling down the steps, landing gracefully on the floor.
“Are you okay?” Elijah Wood asked, going to help Meara up.
She nodded and bowed and gave Elijah another hug!
“Hey, Meara, I’m not leaving without my copy job!” Dom quirked.
“Oh no... now you’ve asked for it...” Fiona muttered shaking her head.
“Be quiet, you lesbian! This is all your fault!” Meara hissed to the innocent hobbit. “And you, Dom, you’re going to get seriously hurt!!”
“Run!” Fiona screamed to Dom, who tried vainly to get away from the very miffed little person with the red converse.
Meara: I LOVE MY CONVERSE!!!! HAPPY SHOES!!!!!
“I don’t know why she didn’t get high tops,” Wenchdude sighed.
“YOU!” screamed Meara and Fiona instantaneously.
“Hey, I want a hug!” Riga whined as she looked pointedly at Dom. [Insert all the CANOODLING you want to, Riga!!!!!)
“What about me?” asked a very miffed Sean Bean.
Riga consequently went over and gave him a BIG HUGE hug.
“You see how they forget about people?” Viggo replied sadly.
Fiona looked very put off!
“It’s because they’re evil children!” Scila said. John Rhys-Davies, Sean Astin, and Stephanie nodded in agreement.
“WAIT! I LOVE SAM!!!!!” exclaimed Meara happily as she hugged Sean tightly. “Just don’t be so political!”
“So I use salmon, lightly salted, and saffron? Make my own blend of curry powder? Uh huh, uh huh, ok...” Fiona said to Viggo, taking notes on the recipe for the fish curry. “Thank you!!” she exclaimed as he finished, and Fiona got her hug, too.
Ok, so, after everyone said goodbye, which took quite a bit of time, the Fellowship left the swan boat and entered the canoes. They began to paddle down the river, and with a last wave at all the people on the swan boat, they turned a bend, leaving the land of Lothlórien forever.
Fiona: Aww! You mean there’s no more happy music?
Elanor: Jeez! Could that have been anymore depressing?
Riga: I dunno, probably.
Meara: For Pete’s sake it’s not sad! You hormonal women! You’re the ones that wrote it! Don’t make it sad if you don’t want to!
Elanor: I know, but I couldn’t think of anything funny to say. We’re leaving all the famous people and all the pretty trees behind forever! It’s sad!
Riga: Yeah, it does suck.
(Ellie and Riga break into laughter.)
Fiona: The world is against me!
Meara: Oooooooooooooooooooh, crabs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Silence
Meara: Where’s Joel?
Frodo: Himself
Sam: Fiona
Pippin: Riga
Merry: Meara
Aragorn: Cristy
Boromir: John
Legolas: Stephanie
Gimli: Scila
Celeborn: Chris
Galadriel: Katherine
Lots of people are missing from this list... deal with it.
As Fiona began making breakfast for the rest of the fellowship, Riga and Meara decided to run off into the woods and try out Meara’s new sword on the unsuspecting elf population of Lóthlorien. Although we all know Meara had a certain elf in
Stickman: PRESUME! PRESUME! PRESUME!! PRES....smack
John sat around the campfire grumbling about not getting enough sleep the night before because certain little people were prone to fall out of trees. Stephanie was combing her hair and trying to rub of a smudge on her nose she had obtained in Moria. Scila tried to tell her it was a bruise, but she refused to believe that elves could get contusions. Frodo was asleep.
“WOOHHOOO!!! I love this thing!!!!” screamed Meara as she attacked random bushes and lunged around corners.
“Ow! Watch the trees you hit with that, Meara! I was sleeping!” Elanor cried grumpily as an overly enthusiastic Meara whacked her.
“Put that thing away little person! That is dangerous! WHAT MORON GAVE THAT KID A SWORD?!” screamed Mr. M as he turned a corner and was assailed with multiple blows to the head.
“That would be Frodo.” Replied Riga cheerfully as the grumbling francophone walked away. “Eunuch you know. Wonderful singing voice. Ahem. Personally, I am shocked Fruity could give such a great gift.”
“Me too, Joel mentioned it yesterday but I didn’t think...hey where is Joel? Isn’t he up yet?” queried Meara.
SUDDENLY A DARK SHAPE RAN ACROSS THE CLEARING WHERE THEY WERE STANDING.
“WHAT WAS THAT?!” squealed Meara.
“I didn’t see anything. Breakfast?” asked Riga and they walked back to camp.
They returned to camp to see Mr. M addressing their companions as they quickly packed up their belongings.
“I’m charged to see you off safely out of the borders of our forest. By the riverbank are some boats which you may take as far as your journey will allow. By taking the Great River you can ensure some safety until you reach the falls. Although you will soon enough have to decide whether to take the West bank to Minas Tirith or the East bank to Mordor.”
“Boats?!” whimpered Fiona as she gulped audibly, recalling the last rowing incident and holding her finger protectively.
“Is my hair going to get wet?” Stephanie asked worriedly.
The members of the fellowship finished eating their breakfast, and then followed Mr. M to the river, where three boats were anchored to a tree.
“Ok! You warrior dude, with these two!” the French elf commanded. “You’ll probably have to do all the work.” He finished as he summed up the two hobbits and pushed Riga and Meara towards a very miffed John.
“HEY! Riga and Meara the collective force take offensive at that!!!!” was the simultaneous reply.
“Not again!” moaned Scila.
“The other two little people, with you Cristy! And I guess that leaves the dwarf and the elf.” Finished the francophone oblivious.
“Wait! I want to come, too!” screamed Elanor as she switched into hobbit mode and climbed hurriedly on one of the boats.
“...and the tree.” Mr. M added with a grunt. “I suppose I should be glad my forest won’t be dirtied anymore, but I will miss you people...a little, anyways.”
“Dirtied isn’t a verb, Mr. M.” Riga replied condescendingly.
“FINE THEN LEAVE!!! Oh no, wait, one last thing...the Lady left some food for you all to take on your journey.”
Riga and Meara looked up hopefully.
“We actually ran out of the usual lembas.”
Growl!
“So I suppose these will have to do...” the elf brought out three large packets of food, taking out a bar of some sort enclosed in a wrapping that said...
“FLAPJACKY CAKEY THINGS! OH MY GOSH, THE LOVE!!!” Riga squealed excitedly as she grabbed the bar greedily. John quickly took the rest of the pack and hid it under his seat.
“One bite of lembas is usually enough to fill the stomach of a grown man, so it would help you out on the more...erm...unpleasant parts of your journey. BUT I HAVE NO CLUE ABOUT THESE THINGS! GOOD LUCK EH!” and with that he disappeared.
Dharma Bum: I object! Flapjacky Cakey Things are leavened!
Riga: HAHA!
Scila: Riga, you are such an atheist!
Riga: I am not!
Stickman: Yeah, don’t label, Priscila!
Scila: But you have to have a religion!
Ellie: No, you don’t!
Stickman: That’s right! Riga and Elanor... are nothing.
Scila: I already know they don’t have a religion. They’re going to hell.
Riga: Ooooh... pretty!
Stickman: No, Scila! They are nothing!
Scila: Shut up, evil kid! You’re going to hell, too!
Riga: ... There’s balloons and fire and flowers in hell! And nice, drunk
people!
Ellie: But he can’t go to hell in his little world because he thinks Jesus
wasn’t the messiah... but he can in your world, Scila! looks confused
That’s the problem with religions! So complicated!
Riga: How do we even know religion exists??
Stickman: Ah ha, good point!
Ellie: Philosophy is confusing!
Stickman: You should try theology!
Stephie: (to Scila) ... wouldn’t let my mother in the church because the
Pope would get turned on!
Ellie: Huh?! I always listen in at the wrong time!!
Scila: Have you guys even been to church?
Riga and Ellie: Yeah! Long time ago...
Stephie: Alex has probably been to church more than you guys have.
Ellie: Probably... I used to go.
Riga: Me too. I was forced to go with my nanny on Sundays.
Scila: That’s horrible! You don’t go to someone’s house if you don’t have a
religion!
Stickman: That doesn’t make any sense!
Scila: God’s house!
Riga: I like churches because they’re pretty!
Stephie: Roman Catholic churches are pretty... lots of stained glass... but
Protestant churches are ugly!
Scila: Protestants are evil!
Meara: Growl
Stephie: What?!
Scila: Catholics and Protestants don’t like each other! Mr. Webb told me
so!
Meara and Scila: WE DON’T!
Stickman: That was, like, in the 16th century!
Scila and Meara: SO?
Stickman: If we were in medieval times, we wouldn’t be having this
conversation and you’d be hanging me up on a cross!
Riga: Ooh! I want to see that!
Stephie: That’s disgusting!
Ellie: rolls on the ground, laughing
Comic Book Guy: Worst religious conversation EVER!
Stickman: CONFUUUUUUSION!
Meara: Arg you are soo irritating!!
Stickman: Hey, I didn’t even say anything remotely negative towards you...ahem..yet!!!!
Meara: SO!
Stickman: SO YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE MAJOR ISSUES!
Meara: AND WHAT? YOU ARE NORMAL?!!! YOU PROVOKE ME!
Stickman: I PROVOKE YOU!? I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING!!!
Meara: YOU GIVE OFF NEGATIVE VIBES!!!
Stickman: WHAT VIBES!?! DON’T GO ALL FENG SHUI ON ME NOW...
YOU KNOW, ALL THIS FIGHTING COULD BE CONSIDERED
FLIRTING!!
Silence
Meara: Oh shut up Alex!!!
Stickman: geeeeshhhh! I PITY YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND AND ANYONE WHO
CONSIDERS APPROACHING YOU AT CLUBS!
Riga: (Aside) Only you Stickman! (Aloud) Oh SHUT UP!
They pushed off the riverbank and guided their boats out to the middle of the river and began to paddle forward.
“Bye Mr. M wherever you are!!!” screamed the hobbits as they waved to the random elves they saw on shore.
Fiona sniffed. “I’m gonna miss him...”
“Stroke!!! Stroke!!! Stroke!!!!!! My, what a pretty boat...ship!!!! LOOK AT THE TREEESSS!!!!” screamed Riga as she coxed the very annoyed warrior down the river.
The boats quickly moved downstream pasts the forest of Lóthlorien. Riga and Meara soon became very bored and after a very intense battle with John managed to steal the pack of Flapjacky Cakey Things.
“Hey! There’s something else in here!” exclaimed Meara as she pulled out a bottle of RED BULL.
“HOLY FREAKIN’ TATERS!! YES!!” screamed Riga as she grabbed the bottle and pulled out two cups.
“Get that bottle away from her!!!” screamed the other hobbits simultaneously, but John felt like ignoring them at the moment and wanted to see what would happen.
TEN MINUTES LATER
“THIS STUFF IS SOOOOOO CRAZYYYYYY!!!!! WAIT!? HOW CAN IT HAVE 250% VITAMINS?!” hiccupped Meara loudly as she started laughing.
“LOOK AT THE PRETTY BIRDIES!!!!” screamed Riga as she guzzled another glass.
“I CAN SMELL THE SUGAR FROM OVER HERE! MEARA PUT THAT THING DOWN!” screamed Frodo.
Riga and Meara turned to each other and burst into a fit of laughter.
“We are so going to get caught!!!” whimpered Elanor.
“Here! Take some!” Meara said, handing the distraught tree a cup brimming to the top with Red Bull.
“No, no, I don’t want any, that’s okay, “Elanor protested as the cup was pushed into her hands. She set it down carefully on the bottom of the boat. Yes, it was a tremendous mistake in retrospect: As the canoe made a sharp turn (Mrs. M: REVERSE SWEEP! REVERSE SWEEP!), the cup was knocked over and its contents spilled all over Elanor’s feet.
“Eeeew...” she whined as she stuck her feet out of the boat into the water, trying to wash away the stickiness. The whole place reeked of highly concentrated powerful sugar and caffeine substitutes.
“Riga, maybe we shouldn’t of had cheesecake for breakfast this morning?” whispered Meara as she turned towards Riga.
“NAHHHH!!!”
“Hello there! The angel from my nightmare! The shadow in the background of the morgue. The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley. We can live like Jack and Sally if we want to. And you can always find me. And we’ll have Halloween on Christmas and in the night we’ll wish this never ends. We’ll wish this never ends!” sang Riga loudly and off key.
“MISS YOU MISS YOU!!!!!! DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME ON MY YOUR’E ALREADY THE VOICE INSIDE MY HEAD!!! MISS YOU MISS YOU!!! screamed Meara.
“NOT THAT SONG!!! STOP SINGING!!! STOP SINGING!!!” screamed Elanor.
It was nearing sundown when they turned down a large bend in the river and saw a large swan moving slowly towards them.
“AHHHHH IT WANTS MY SOUL!” screamed Fiona suddenly as she jumped under the boat.
“Hey, it’s a boat!” chirped Cristy.
“Hello, my friends. You did not think we would let you leave without a goodbye did you?” The Lady Katherine asked as the boat moored up right along Cristy’s.
Chris stood next to her. “Follow me.”
As the fellowship disembarked and entered the boat Katherine and Chris came forward.
“Now it is time to drink the cup of farewell. Drink, Lord of the Galadhrim! And let not your heart be sad, though night must follow noon, and already our evening draweth nigh.” Stated Katherine solemnly as she passed the cup to Chris’s lips.
She then brought the cup to each of the Company, and bade them drink and farewell. Which really wasn’t such a good idea seeing as how Riga was still mildly and Meara was 100% drunk.
“We have drunk the cup of parting and the shadows fall between us. But before you go, I have brought in my ship gifts which the Lord and Lady now offer you in memory of your time spent here.” Then she called to each of them in turn.
“Here is the gift of Chris and Katherine to the leader of your Company....Cris...”
Meara had burst into a fit of laughter but was quickly silenced by Elanor and Fiona.
“To you, Ranger of the North, I give you these two worms, to place in the soles of your shoes, may your steps never falter.”
Meara: SNORT!!!!
SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
“To you, our Northern Kin, I give you these fishnet stockings and these colorful thongs.”
“I would watch them if I were you.” She added as she glared at Frodo menacingly.
Riga and Ellie look at each other simultaneously and burst into laughter (very stan-partickishly)!
“And to you, Man of Gondor, I give you this Apu hat and the words “THANK YOU COME AGAIN!”
“Hey I want one!!!” exclaimed Ellie loudly. “Being a tree sucks...”
“STOP THE INTERRUPTIONS!!!!” screamed Katherine menacingly.
Hobbits: Meep!
“Scila, I give you this arsonist leprechaun, I can’t think of a good reason at the moment, but it may come in use someday.”
“Fiona, I give you rope.”
“But, I kind of...I mean...I already...thank you.” Fiona grumbled miserably as she accepted her third flank of rope. It had been a popular birthday present for her.
Authors: And now... in a momentous event in this story, we are proud to present:
Fiona’s Soliloquy in Pros
In a matter of seconds that went unnoticed by the others, Fiona casually walked aside from the bunch and traveled towards a secluded corner to think about the present she had just received.
“Speaks to mind’s ear:”
(WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?)
“Rope again!!!! I guess they just keep forgetting that I have gotten rope from them for every occasion for the past 100 years. I can tie up the universe many times before I run out of rope. I can’t stand it anymore!!! I love them all, but honestly, I want something different, a surprise for once.
Perhaps a pan so that I can whack them senseless (not really because I love them all too much). Well, I must be getting back to the bunch, they must be wondering where I have gone.”
Authors: O o
0
Stephanie: That’s not how you spell soliloquy. And does she mean prose?
Elanor: Stop being discouraging!
“To you, Riga and ....ahem...Meara I give you these antennae. For...your own amusement.” Riga and Meara beamed, quickly grabbed the two pairs of shamrock antennae put the on their heads and attacked each other like deer. Cristy soon separated them.
“And to you pigeon bearer I give you these googly eye glasses, which will help you to see in dark places when all other lights go out.”
Frodo quickly put them on and faced Riga, Meara and Ellie.
“Hey girls!”
Ellie: How adorably pathetic...
Riga: Don’t encourage IT...
Meara who is still drunk screamed and hide behind Fiona.
Smack
“I JUST FRACTURED MY AEORTA!”
Riga smiles.
“And these, my friends, are trench coats. Sewn by me and my ladies in waiting from our finest thread. May they protect you and hide you from harm when in direst need. Though you are soon to leave our borders, I wish to invite you to sup with us one last time. We have a surprise for you.” Katherine finished mysteriously as she summoned two elves to her.
Meara and Elanor: GASP!!!! NOT YOU!!!!!
Scila: BOSSY ELF LADY!!!!
“Hi you guys!!” smile “I’m in charge of your surprise party!!! Probably shouldn’t have told you that! Hope you like it!!!! I could really use your help though. Fiona! Meara? We need to get the band ready, and the decorations, and the food, and the.....” chirped the annoyed lady as she dragged the two hobbits away.
“Is she still drunk?” asked Frodo.
“Yep!” smiled Elanor.
“Well, ahem. In that case, I should go find her.” And with that, he took out the googly eye-glasses he had just obtained and walked off peering at every female he could find. It was his way of “looking for Meara.” Little did anyone know, the eye-glasses on springs provided him with a very...ahem...different point of view of these women. Let’s just say he was looking at them from a whole new ANGLE!
Meara: That doesn’t make any sense, bloody pervs!
Ellie and Riga were watching him and laughing hysterically.
“You kind of feel sorry for him,” said Ellie pensively.
“Yes, but mostly its just funny,” giggled Riga.
Ellie shook her head, “For his own good, I hope he doesn’t find Meara.”
Meanwhile, Stephanie was (you won’t believe it) fraternizing with the ENEMY! (orcs) Priscila, who was looking for someone to bother, discovered her “canoodling” with an excessively disgusting looking orc thing with a squishy face (Chris). Intent upon their destruction, Scila leapt up from behind them and began to question the orc non-stop about a certain Balrog who had not shown her face at the party.
Meara’s dictionary: Canoodling= Cuddling and a little more!
Intent upon their destruction, Scila leapt up from behind them and began to question the orc non-stop about the absentee Balrog. Stephanie, shocked at the fact that someone dared disturb her canoodling time, leapt into the air, freeing Chris from his previous pinned down position...Chris was on his feet, backing away from Scila.
“She was tired, alright?!” Chris yelped, “She said to tell people she was sleeping! Personally, I think she has indigestion. She’s been eating way too many wizards these days, without being picky. Understand, annoying wizards lead to annoying stomach pains. I’ve told her this countless times, it is NOT my fault if she doesn’t listen!”
Scila decided to let the orc off the hook, “OK, you can live, but the next time I catch you trying to rape my elf, this axe is going right in the center of that squishy face of yours.” And with that, Scila grabbed Stephanie and trotted off to find a good place to yell at her for consorting with rapists.
Elanor and Riga, bored, decided to find Meara and Fiona so as to save them from both Frodo and the bossy elf. Having no leads, and knowing how drunk Meara was, they thought it was a good idea to check the bar first. After twisting through the crowd, the two hobbits came upon a table with a cooler and 20 boxes of pizza on it. Behind the table, Ben the elf was sitting in a chair, his face hidden by a book.
Chris, seeing the hobbits approach the bar, ran over to them excitedly. He was carrying with one arm a box of pizza, with half of a pizza inside. With the other hand, he was stuffing a slice in his mouth. Between bites, he said enthusiastically, “Hey girls...Want a slice of my pizza?!”
Ellie rolled her eyes disgustedly, “Chris, I wouldn’t eat your pizza if it was the last pizza in Middle-Earth!”
Riga’s mouth was watering, “I want a slice, Chris! Mmmmm, pizza!”
Ellie smacked Riga with a tree branch and berated her for falling for the worst pick-up line ever.
Riga, disheartened at the fact that she wouldn’t be getting a slice of pizza, turned to the bartender, “What’re you reading??”
Ben looked up, miffed, and said, “Huh?”
Riga sighed, “I wanted to know what you were reading! And if you can get around to it, some alcohol would be nice...”
Elanor smacked Riga again, “We’re looking for Meara and Fiona, we aren’t here to drink!”
Ben smiled and said, “I’m reading The Count of Monte Cristo, and it’s really good!”
Riga smiled back, “I’m sure it is! My book is really good too! But I’m almost done with it, and that’s sad, because I only brought one on this journey, quest, thing...”
Elanor sighed, “Ya, I’m almost done with my book too. Riga, we can switch when we finish! Ben, have you seen Meara and Fiona??”
Ben looked pensive for a moment, and finally said, “Nope! But if you see them, you can tell them to come visit the bar and grace it with their loveliness!”
And with that, Ellie and Riga gave Ben great big hugs and began to think about where they should look next.
Meanwhile, Meara and Fiona were busy writing nametags for all of the guests and band members at the party, while the evil bossy elf wench watched over them.
“You guys will have to do that one over; you put an extra ‘n’ in the name!”
Meara was very angrivated (John term), “Why do we have to do this?!”
“So that people don’t forget who they are,” was the tart reply.
Fiona was sobbing, “She’s worse than birds!”
Alec: Scrumptiously crunchable birdses!
Meara suddenly got an idea, and said to the elf, “Oh my gosh! One of the band members over there just threw his name tag on the floor!”
Then, almost like she was one of the wenches sensing the presence of the Pigeon of Doom, the bossy elf hissed and jerked around, running over to send the band member who had just defiled his name tag to hell! And she has the power to send people to hell; I wouldn’t underestimate that power of hers.
Meara grabbed Fiona and they ran, heading for the bar, which was the only place they figured that the bossy elf would never follow them to. However, they had underestimated the stubborn determination of elves, and got to the bar only to find that Bossy Elf Girl had indeed followed them, and, sensing where they were going, had arrived there before they did.
Meara and Fiona: GASP!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
(The elf was one of those people who regularly run miles for fun, and thus was more fit and agile than the helpless hobbits.) Fortunately, Ellie and Riga were still at the bar when Bossy Elf Girl had arrived, and managed to subdue her long enough for Ben to find an empty bottle and break it on her head. (bartenders are so useful, aren’t they?)
Ben: Hey! I would never do that, you guys! Don’t make me mean!
Authors: gracefully ignore Ben’s protests
Reunited at last, the four hobbits and Ben (I wonder whatever happened to Frodo...) gave each other big hugs and pondered over what they should do next. Seeing a whole bunch of orcs by the wall, and not wanting to be seen, Meara plopped down on the floor and said, “Let’s play poker!”
The hobbits and Ben sat down next to her. Riga, thinking, said, “What should we use to bet with?”
Fiona thought for a while, and then shouted, “Let’s bet like the people in Benny and Joon!”
There was a communal, “YAY!” and everyone set about writing their bets on slips of paper.
Meara covertly stole a peak at Fiona’s paper while she furtively wrote her items on the scratches of paper.
Riga did the same...so did Ellie...Fiona and Ben did not! Losers!
“DONE!” screamed Riga and they each put their pieces of paper into their respective Dixie cups.
“Ok, so everyone gets one card and they hold it over their head and.....” started Meara.
“MEARA WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING! WHAT ABOUT THE NAME TAGS!!!!” screamed the evil lady as she came back to life!!!
“WHY WON’T YOU DIE!!!!” wailed Meara as she collapsed in a fit of tears.
Ben looked about ready to grab another bottle when suddenly Riga stopped him and smiled wickedly at the bossy elf.
“Why don’t you play a round love?”
“What are we betting?”
“SOULS!!!!”
“NOW WAIT JUST A MINUTE!” screamed Scila.
“WHAT!?!” exclaimed the elf hysterically.
“Just kidding! Anything you want.” Laughed Riga suspiciously.
“Meara, there you are! Feeling any better?” asked Frodo as he popped out from among the crowd still wearing his googly eye glasses.
“Who are you!?” whimpered Meara still hidden behind Fiona.
“Why I’m....that is a tough question.... does she know!?” whispered Frodo to himself.
Suddenly, Meara’s face glazed over in understanding (the red bull had worn off) and she turned toward the pervy hobbit. On seeing his glasses and realizing how they...ahem....worked she lunged at the poor creature! Riga and Ellie burst into a fit of laughter.
“I’m in!” screamed the bossy elf and she put her pieces of paper in the cup and Meara got up from tackling Frodo.
Riga: Snort Copy.....smack!!!!!!!
“OK, now...settles hair...where were we...oh yes. Everyone gets a card and holds it over their foreheads not looking at it. You then look at everyone else’s cards and decide whether to bet or fold depending on how high their cards are. Understood?”
“Yep”
And so they passed out the cards.... Some time later.
“Got any twos?”
“Arg, Fiona we are not playing GO FISH!” growled Riga as she lost to Fiona for the 5th time in a row.
“Yayayayayaya, happy o’s I won again!” chirped Fiona as she picked up all the pieces of paper in the pot.
“Let’s see, A tree!!!!! Meara’s left sneaker!! A moldy bra!! A SMILE!!!! YAYAYAYAYA!!! THE SHIRE!!!!! AND....permission to decorate the Sophomore board??? Who wrote this one?!” mumbled a discouraged Fiona.
Everyone glared at the elf.
“Alright, hurry up, I want my shoe back. Next round!” mumbled Meara as she passed out the deck.
Everyone grabbed their card and placed it over their forehead.
Riga squinted and eyed the others with a look of contempt. Fiona chewed on her lip in concentration. Ellie started coughing loudly and inconspicuously stole one of Meara’s cards. Meara was too busy humming.
“Oookkkk....I bet my right shoe.” Mumbled Meara pensively as she regretfully placed the paper in the cup.
“Ok, I bet HAPPINESS!!!” exclaimed Fiona enthusiastically.
“I bet the shark mascot outfit.” Replied the elf.
“I’ll bet trout.” chirped Ben.
Silence
Ellie whispered over at Riga and they both smiled evilly.
“I bet Frodo!”
“WHAT!?” screamed Meara.
“THAT’S NOT ALLOWED!!!!!”
“YOU CAN’T BET HUMAN BEINGS!!!!”
“YA YOU CAN THIS IS BENNY AND JOON STYLE!!!” shrieked Riga evilly.
“AND I BET DOM!”
GASP
“NO FAIR!!!”
“And...” replied Ellie. “I win!”
“WHAT!?”
Riga had a look of pure loathing on her face, Meara was weeping.
“Here, Meara you can have the smile, and your shoes back.” Started Fiona consolingly.
“That’s alright Fiona. Thanks anyway.” Whimpered Meara as she shuffled the deck.
“Oooooh, Can I play?!” asked a tall elf named Raymond as he approached the group.
“Alright, but we are betting people!!!” chirped Elli happily as she distributed the cards.
“No prob.”
They carefully placed the cards on their foreheads and glared at each other menacingly.
“I bet BILLY!” screamed Meara as she slapped the paper into the cup.
“HEY!” screamed Ellie angrily. “I thought we already decided he was mine!”
“I bet....ROPE!!!!” exclaimed Fiona happily as she mentally crossed off one sling of rope she would not have to bring to Mordor.
“I bet...Alec, the product of hasty and unprotected ahem, unborn child of Geoffrey and .... Father unknown.” Replied Riga happily.
“I bet more trout!” mumbled Ben.
“Glittery paint!” mumbled the elf.
“The palantir!” chirped Ellie.
“Frodo!” exclaimed Raymond.
“NOW WAIT JUST A BLOODY MOMENT! PEOPLE, YOU CAN’T KEEP DOING THAT!!!!!!” screamed Meara.
“I WIN!!!!” screamed Fiona happily.
“NOOOO!!!!! BILLY IS MINE!!! I’LL TRADE YOU FIONA!!!” exclaimed Ellie desperately.
“No way!” chirped Fiona.
ARG, THIS TIME IT’S FOR KEEPS!!!!!” screamed Riga angrily and they shuffled one last time.
Meara still fuming sorted the deck and threw the cards to the players. They placed them on their heads.
“Alright, I bet ...Capt. Jack Sparrow!” growled Meara as she forcefully tossed the paper into the cup.
“The rights to the presidency!” smirked the elf.
Meara glowered!
“A BIG HUG!”
“ALEC 2, the hasty product of.....”
“The Count of Monte Cristo”
“THE ENTIRE CAST OF LOTR!!!”
SILENCE
“Can she do that?” Fiona whispered to Meara.
“Yep, I’d say she could!”
“Who said that?!?!” Meara screamed.
“ME! HI!”
Everyone turned around and saw....
“OH MY GOSH IT’S DOM!!!!!!!!!!” Riga squealed!
Dominic Monaghan waved back at them.
“Oi, man, aren’t you going to introduce us?” Someone else interjected.
Dom gave a giant bow, and said: “Presenting.... The irrepressible Billy Boyd!
Elijah Wood! (Meara swoons) Sean Astin! Orlando Bloom! Andy Serkis! (hello, my loves!) Bernard Hill! Ian McKellen! Peter Jackson! Phillipa Boyens! Fran Walsh! Ian Holmes! Liv Tyler! Sean Bean! Mark Odesky! Rick Porras! (Gonzalo the Tree’s Brother: I told you he was gay...) Howard Shore! OK, I’m tired, people! You get the gist, we’re all here!”
John Rhys-Davies shook his head. “I resent always being forgotten...”
Viggo Mortensen pushed to the front of the crowd.
"How could you forget me, kid?! I'm the most important!"
Fiona nodded in agreement.
His attention was suddenly diverted however as he saw Frodo, who sat with a two of spades on his forehead looking blankly at the famous people.
"What the-- YOU STOLE MY PANTS!"
Frodo covertly looked around, got up, and ran off, with a very miffed cowboy at his heels.
Meara blinked. “I knew those looked familiar.”
“YOU MEAN TO TELL ME NOBODY SAW THAT?! NOBODY SAW THAT!!” Riga squeaked as she pointed towards some nearby bushes.
“Saw what?” Fiona replied.
Riga muttered something about a dark figure and nobody paying attention.
“I saw it,” Dom said to her with a confused look on his face.
“What’s going on? Are we playing poker or not?! May I remind everyone that you all currently belong to me!” Elanor yelled as she forced everyone back to the poker game. “These are very high stakes here!”
With everyone sitting back around the cards, Meara proceeded to deal out cards again to all 15 people playing. (Yeah, we don’t know where they came from either.)
Meara dramatically called, “Go.”
All the players raised a card to their foreheads and looked around.
“Damn it! I fold!” Riga said as she looked around, and so did most of the other players.
Meara hesitated when she saw the horrible elf’s card. “Umm... I suppose I’ll stay in...”
Meara and Bossy Elf put their cards down.
Meara: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Wow! I win! What’d I win again? Ooh! All of you!! ... I’m gonna need you guys to please follow me to the river, we’ve got to clean up all the trash the party people left...”
The entire cast and crew of the Lord of the Rings groaned loudly as the trudged along behind the elf. Elanor and Meara sat in a furious rage, Riga was muttering unintelligently to the voices in her head, and Fiona began to cry. (“The world is against us!!!)
Billy whispered something to Dom, who nodded back and proceeded to repeat the message to everyone else in the group. Suddenly, everyone ran up, grabbed the Bossy Elf, dragged her off to the water, and threw her in!
Meara: Whooooo hoo!!
Vicki: Et tu, Meara?
Meara: I’m Cassius, not Brutus! Shut up and go away already, jeesh!
The Bossy Elf floated down the Silverlode, down the Great River Anduin, and finally out to sea, where she passed out of the realm of Middle-Earth for all eternity.
“Yayaya! She’s gone! You guys rule!!” The hobbits jumped on top of the entire cast and crew of the Lord of the Rings and gave them all BIG HUGS!
Suddenly a loud voice was discernable from the other end of the boat...
“I’ve never had much luck with the ladies.”
“Well, maybe if you stopped stealing their panties!!!!”
“PATRICK!!!!” screamed Ellie and Riga instantaneously as they disentangled themselves from the hobbit pile and ran off to hug the pervy technician.
Patrick staggered under the weight of the two hobbits who’ll like anyone. Meara trudged along grumpily, not at all happy with his mysterious appearance.
“You’re adorably pathetic!” Elanor beamed to Patrick.
“Everyone forgetting his pervy tendencies I see.” Grumbled Meara inaudibly.
“Nope!” they replied cheerfully as they hugged him tighter.
“Umm... thanks...” He looked at the two hobbits curiously. “Are you sure you aren’t mistaking me for someone else?”
“Nah, Patrick,” Stan interrupted. “They want their panties back.”
“No, we do not!” Riga said indignantly.
“Typical.” Sighed Meara.
Fiona sat in a corner of the vessel trying in vain to get Viggo to talk to her while he was obviously more interested in fishing.
“You’re so mean!!!!!!!!” squealed Fiona sadly as she tried to keep from drooling more than was healthy.
“Want some fish curry?” he muttered.
WAIL!!!!!
Frodo was mysteriously absent!!! Someone might have tied him up to a Viggo....or maybe he was defenestrated...you never know!
Scila was playing Pe Tonk with John (typical).
Meara was very confused!!! She was now confronted with three look a like Frodos.....wait...make that four....
“Since when did you turn all Sigourney Weaver on us Casey?”
“CASEY!!!!!” screamed Ellie and Riga as they left Patrick for the alien obsessed adorable loser, this time Meara followed happily.
Patrick, looking hurt, followed after them. “Riga? Elanor? I don’t know what I did wrong, but I’m sorry!”
“AHHHHRGGGGH!” Casey yelled as Riga, Elanor and Meara ran towards him. “THEY WANT MY SOUL! DON’T TRUST THEM!! ALIENS! FIENDS, ALL OF YOU, GET AWAY!”
“I reckon he’s spent too much time at that school of his,” Huck Finn sighed.
“Why has no one ever seen my movie?” wailed the guy from Ash Wednesday, trying to find some person who at least knew his name!
Frodo came back from nowhere. “Is the Ranger still hunting for me?” he asked Elanor.
“Elijah!” she replied happily, giving him a hug.
“What? No!” Frodo looked confused as he looked around and saw... his clones.
“Wow!” Casey said, “The aliens have the ability to mimic appearances...”
“What aliens, Patrick?” Stan asked Casey.
“The ones that erased my memory! I know I’ve seen all these guys before! They look so familiar!” Patrick replied as he studied the faces of all the people around him.
“What the hell is going on?” Elijah Wood exclaimed. “I’ve heard of some scary fans before, but I didn’t know I had any!”
“Where am I?” Barney inquired.
Meara: I AM SO CONFUUUSED!!!!!!!!
And to that Jones said, “Have you seen my pen anywhere? I seem to have misplaced it...”
“Are there any dolphins in this river?” asked Sandy as he peered at the water.
“Help me!!” a distraught kid ran in between all them. “Macaulay Culkin is coming to get me!!!”
“It’s the end of the world!!! Run away while you can!!!!!” Leo shrieked.
“THEY ARE COMING!!!” Casey joined in the shrieking.
ALL OF THEM AT ONCE IN A TERRIBLY LOUD AND GIRLISH MANNER: “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!”
“Ok, ya know what? I’ve had enough!” Elanor screamed above all the shrieking, and she went off to find Billy.
“HOTDOGS!” Riga squealed happily.
Ellie and Riga dragged Meara away from the shrieking hoard and walked over to the other end of the boat.
“Hey, you guys, you gotta try this stuff!” Fiona offered as she held out a dish of curry. She had a cowboy hat on.
Ian McKellen, Elijah, Dom and Billy were sitting down drinking Red Bull. Meara and Riga instantly winked at each other and slide between them each grabbing a bottle.
Elanor reached Billy and asked, “Did you miss me?”
“Hmm?” he said. “You’re right here.”
Ellie looked hurt.
“Ahem, I mean, yes, I do!”
“I guess that means we’re married!” Elanor said happily as she hugged the confused Scottish man and jumped in his lap.
“Ouuuff!”
“HEY THAT WAS UNDERHANDED COURTING!” screamed Meara hysterically as she jumped up rather dizzily and was quickly pulled back down.
“MY TURN!” screamed Riga as she grabbed Dom’s hand. “LET’S GO CONQUER SOMETHING!!!”
“RIGA!!” exclaimed an astounded Meara.
And so the general merrymaking and partying went on for several more hours, but seeing as how you’ve already had about 20 pages of this stuff, we’re going to start thinking about wrapping it up...
"Hmm... There is only one thing that can make this any better..." muttered Meara to herself.
"YOU DOING THAT THING YOU DO!!! BREAKING MY HEART INTO A MILLION PIECES LIKE YOU ALWAYS DOOOO!!! AND YOOUUUUUUUU!!!!
“Actually, that was not who I would have put....”
Authors: Guess who?
Audience: THE ONEDERS!!!!!
Authors: Wonders, people, The Wonders!
Stickman: Actually, they didn't really invent the song. Another group called-
Authors: SHUT UP, ALEX!
And so the Fellowship’s time at Lothlórien came to its end as the swan boat sailed through the Golden Wood and the entire cast and crew of the Lord of the Rings, Frodo’s clones, the hobbits, the elves, the wizards, the dwarf, and the tree go-go danced to the happy, happy music. Soon, the time came for them to go back to their elven canoes and say goodbye to all the happy people.
Elanor: sniff I’m crying!
“It’ll be okay...” Billy said as he gingerly patted Elanor on the back.
Riga: I OBJECT I WANT ANOTHER DOM HUG!!! ENOUGH CANOODLING ELLIE!!!!
“WHAAAAAA!” Ellie wailed as she gave him yet another huge hug.
Ellie: Wink
Looking over his shoulder, she winked at Meara, who threw her hands up exasperatedly and began to dart around the boat, giving all the elves handshakes. Finished with her goodbyes, she climbed down the stairs to get out of the boat; but unfortunately, she slipped and ended up rolling down the steps, landing gracefully on the floor.
“Are you okay?” Elijah Wood asked, going to help Meara up.
She nodded and bowed and gave Elijah another hug!
“Hey, Meara, I’m not leaving without my copy job!” Dom quirked.
“Oh no... now you’ve asked for it...” Fiona muttered shaking her head.
“Be quiet, you lesbian! This is all your fault!” Meara hissed to the innocent hobbit. “And you, Dom, you’re going to get seriously hurt!!”
“Run!” Fiona screamed to Dom, who tried vainly to get away from the very miffed little person with the red converse.
Meara: I LOVE MY CONVERSE!!!! HAPPY SHOES!!!!!
“I don’t know why she didn’t get high tops,” Wenchdude sighed.
“YOU!” screamed Meara and Fiona instantaneously.
“Hey, I want a hug!” Riga whined as she looked pointedly at Dom. [Insert all the CANOODLING you want to, Riga!!!!!)
“What about me?” asked a very miffed Sean Bean.
Riga consequently went over and gave him a BIG HUGE hug.
“You see how they forget about people?” Viggo replied sadly.
Fiona looked very put off!
“It’s because they’re evil children!” Scila said. John Rhys-Davies, Sean Astin, and Stephanie nodded in agreement.
“WAIT! I LOVE SAM!!!!!” exclaimed Meara happily as she hugged Sean tightly. “Just don’t be so political!”
“So I use salmon, lightly salted, and saffron? Make my own blend of curry powder? Uh huh, uh huh, ok...” Fiona said to Viggo, taking notes on the recipe for the fish curry. “Thank you!!” she exclaimed as he finished, and Fiona got her hug, too.
Ok, so, after everyone said goodbye, which took quite a bit of time, the Fellowship left the swan boat and entered the canoes. They began to paddle down the river, and with a last wave at all the people on the swan boat, they turned a bend, leaving the land of Lothlórien forever.
Fiona: Aww! You mean there’s no more happy music?
Elanor: Jeez! Could that have been anymore depressing?
Riga: I dunno, probably.
Meara: For Pete’s sake it’s not sad! You hormonal women! You’re the ones that wrote it! Don’t make it sad if you don’t want to!
Elanor: I know, but I couldn’t think of anything funny to say. We’re leaving all the famous people and all the pretty trees behind forever! It’s sad!
Riga: Yeah, it does suck.
(Ellie and Riga break into laughter.)
Fiona: The world is against me!
Meara: Oooooooooooooooooooh, crabs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Silence
Meara: Where’s Joel?