Application: Lucille Bluth, "Arrested Development"

[thequeenbluth]

((Note for those of you who have not seen Arrested Development: The show has a narrator, who is voiced by Ron Howard and who acts like sort of a Greek Chorus, commenting on the action. He's very integral to the style of the show, so I've chosen to include him here. That said, this is totally a stylistic thing -- like how some characters are written

Comments

Ravenclaw

[dungbombsrule]

Ron didn't know why this lady scared him, but she sorta did. She reminded him a little bit like a skeleton who forgot to take off its skin, and she smelled like Uncle Bilius, rest his soul and his daisies. But either way, there wasn't much else to do, and it wasn't as if Ron hadn't met scary new students before.

Besides, she was old. Real old. Maybe she was then experienced enough to know about the Furries.

"Ravenclaw." Ron declared. "Hey there!"

Re: Ravenclaw

[thequeenbluth]

"What claw?" Lucille frowned at the boy, bewildered. "You're not talking about my son Buster, are you? Because I don't appreciate the reference, if so. Who are you?"

Re: Ravenclaw

[dungbombsrule]

"Buster's in Ravenclaw? I haven't seen him around." He was a bit put off by her tone, but his mother taught him to be polite to his elders. He could try at least. He swallowed and started again. "I'm Ron Weasley, from Slytherin."

Re: Ravenclaw

[thequeenbluth]

Lucille was suspicious, and thought that maybe the boy was speaking in some kind of code. She suspected that 'Slytherin' might be a reference to her best friend and chief rival, Lucille Austero, who had once had such extreme vertigo that she could hardly stand -- and therefore had to slither on the floor.

Her eyes narrowed. "Oh, you are, are you? You haven't seen a bald man around here, have you? He's completely hairless. He has Lilliputia."

Lucille Austero was dating Stan Sitwell, the head of Bluth Company rival Sitwell Housing. Sitwell suffered from alopecia, which had made him hairless. Lucille had confused his condition with a race of tiny people from the book Gulliver's Travels. She now, however, suspected Sitwell and Lucille 2 of doing to her what the real Lilliputians had done to Gulliver, and capturing her for their own nefarious purposes.

[anythingawesome]

As the head of Dunder Mifflin Hogsmeade's Party Planning Committe (she and Pam had never actually talked about who was the leader, but Kelly had the better shoe collection, so she was obviously the default choice), and dear friend of Hedwig Robinson, Sasan, and other very awesome people, Kelly knew fabulous.

And this woman? Was vintage fabulous.

"Hair is a totally great way to pick out a partner. My boyfriend, Ryaaaan, had the best hair ever, and we're very happy together!"

[thequeenbluth]

Lucille had never actually met an Indian person before, and since she still thought she was at a country club, she was a little surprised to see Kelly there. On the other hand, she liked people who agreed with her, and so she decided to be friendly to the woman she had decided was probably a hostess of some kind.

"Oh, yes." She nodded and crossed her legs. "It's hard to beat a full, thick head of luscious hair... Oh, how I loved that hair." Her eyelashes fluttered, a smile flashing across her face. It was gone, however, almost instantly, and then she rolled her eyes. "But now it's all gone and he's just a pot-smoking putz with only one pair of pants. Oh well."

She finished her drink and held the glass out to Kelly expectantly. "It's vodka tonic."

[anythingawesome]

"That's too bad," Kelly sympathized. "Ryan's got a huge collection of pants. Some of them are even stylish!" Mostly the ones Kelly had picked out.

...Huh. Kelly looked down at the glass and smiled, slightly confused. "Um, no thank you. I stick with appletinis. Or mangotinis. Fruit-tinis in general."

[thequeenbluth]

Lucille didn't like having to order drinks twice, and was displeased by Kelly's lack of understanding. She felt ostracized by what she thought must be a new club policy of hiring slow immigrants and forcing them onto new and returning members. Maybe, she thought, it was a new program, like the street gangs-into-dentists website she'd once found.

"Oh, lord," she muttered to herself. "They're taking on MRFs now?"

Looking back at Kelly, she raised her voice and began talking slowly. "I'd like ANOTHER ONE, please. That's a VODKA TONIC."

[charlesmacaulay]

Oh, God. This woman was horrible. Charles had definitely picked the wrong day to go looking for Camilla in the Sorting Room. (She was there so often, and Henry there so seldom, that it was a much better bet than dropping by Gryffindor.)

Charles offered a smile that showed nothing of his discomfort. "Port wine cheese is sort of pretty, isn't it?" he said politely.

[thequeenbluth]

Lucille seemed a little taken aback by the question, but she rallied herself and plastered on a smile. "Oh, uh, yes. What a lovely color. It matches my lovely carpet and my lovely drapes. It's really so very lovely."

This was a bald-faced lie: Lucille's only reason for picking port wine cheese was the name, and by extension one of the ingredients. Guess which one.

"Are you a member here?" Lucille asked. "I can't believe what they've done with the place."

[charlesmacaulay]

"I'm glad to hear the carpet and the drapes match," said Charles, utterly straight-faced and innocent. "What have they done with the place? This one, not yours. I'm afraid I haven't been here more than a few months."

[thequeenbluth]

"So you're new, then?" Lucille nodded. "Of course, I was wondering why I hadn't seen you before. I used to know everyone!" She looked around wistfully. "How times change. I can't say I'm a fan of the new decor around here. And I don't know how they manage to keep it clean, what with the staff of--"

Realizing that badmouthing the people she took to be staff publicly might get her into trouble with the club, Lucille took a different approach.

"--lovely people that must work their fingers to the bone." She smiled thinly. "Anyway. I'm Lucille Bluth," she said, in a tone that made it clear she assumed Charles would recognize the name.

[vbraithwaite]

Completely paralytic, Virginia stumbled over to the next victim,

"Fuck off you fucking piece of shit"

And merrily lay down in the middle of the room, singing a few choice Christmas carols.

[thequeenbluth]

Lucille stared witheringly at Virginia, one brow arched, twisting her martini glass idly between her fingers. "And the horse you rode in on," she muttered in cold reply, then snorted with disdain. "Amateur."

[angelicbadboy]

Oh, wow. It was his mother, in about ten years or so. The Hufflepuff answer actually made Brice shiver. How much of that could he trust was sincere, and how much was a clever act in case there were journalists around? Lucille did look older than Laura presumably ever would (Laura would of course never admit to aging, and would without a doubt take every precation necessary to maintain her beauty for as long as possible), but it was a type that he recognised well. Hopefully this one had more morals than dear old Mum, though. It didn't take much to have more morals than Laura de Winter, who was one step away from being a demon in human disguise, but he was going to stay suspicious until proven otherwise

[thequeenbluth]

((Note: Link includes a major spoiler for the last episode of Arrested Development!))

Having raised three sons and a daughter, Lucille was now all but immune to hostility. Luckily, it was a trait she had also passed down to most of her children.

Unfortunately, she was currently feeling a little hostility of her own towards Annyong, about whom she had just recently had certain troubling revelations, and she found it hard to disguise.

"Oh, Annyong is our adopted Korean son the ungrateful little brat." This last part was muttered under her breath, a scowl twisting her features. She quickly recovered and smiled airily. "We took him in about two years ago and he's been with us ever since."

[angelicbadboy]

"Nice of you," Brice deadpanned, searching Lucille's face for any signs of her not telling the truth. Really, the mind-reading skills would have been nice right about now. "To take someone in like that. How old is he?"

See? Small talk. Casual chatting. It was pretty obvious that Brice was suspicious of this applicant. He couldn't really help it, though. She felt too much like a distant relative.

[thequeenbluth]

Having been in the real-estate business for the last forty years, Lucille was now a master in the fine art of lying.

"How old is who?"

Most of the time.

"You mean Annyong?" Lucille seemed surprised. "Oh, well, he acts so much older than he really is. He's wise beyond his years. He's even more mature than my son Buster."