The Secrets Board had left Josh bewildered. The people of Hogwarts appeared to think that:
a. he looked like "
one fugly mofo" as a child,
b. he was endlessly sobbing, by the sheer number of people writing "such and such
makes baby Jesus cry", and, most disturbing of all,
c. he was some sort of
sex object.
There was only one logical conclusion: the
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Lily paused, jaw working as she tried to figure out how to continue. "I would give up anything, just to see him smile. I want to wake up next to him in the morning and fall asleep in his arms - just because being beside him feels like home. If there was something I could do to erase the pain and the loneliness that I can see in his eyes sometimes, I would, no matter the cost. He's been through so much, endured so much...I'm in awe of him. Of the man he is, of the man I've watched him become. He literally takes my breath away. And if all I can be is his friend, that's enough. Just the pieces of him I can have, just the glimpses of closeness I'm allowed."
And then she smiled at Josh - small, but genuine - and shook her head. "No, not crappy at all. That's...yes. That's exactly what it's like. I think I've been in love with him for a while now. Months. But I didn't realize it, because...because he's a part of me, now. And the fact that I'm in love with him...yeah." She laughed a little. "We fought, quite badly. Because I didn't realize. And then, when I did, it was too late. I couldn't explain it without explaining everything. And I can't do that."
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Josh's suggestion...well, it was the best one she'd gotten. Sadly, she knew that the ending would never be as he painted it, but she could continue on with Sirius in the way she'd been going. She could be his friend. "Yeah," she smiled gently at Josh. "I...his friendship is more than enough. I wish, sometimes, I could be completely content with it. But at the same time, I'd never want to give up loving him. Because he is worth it, no matter what the pain. Thank you, Josh."
Reaching forward, Lily squeezed his hand gently. "And I'm sorry that it didn't work out for you. I wouldn't wish this on anyone."
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