Jeez! (Open rp)

[josh_h_christ]

The Secrets Board had left Josh bewildered. The people of Hogwarts appeared to think that:
a. he looked like " one fugly mofo" as a child,
b. he was endlessly sobbing, by the sheer number of people writing "such and such makes baby Jesus cry", and, most disturbing of all,
c. he was some sort of sex object.

There was only one logical conclusion: the

Comments

[lilypotter60]

It wasn't that Lily didn't know what to say to that question. She did - without hesitation or confusion. It was that she had to struggle to find the way to express in mere words the depth of feeling behind the answer. "Since I came back, there's been three constants in my life. The first is my son - the joy I feel when I see him, the absolute knowledge that my sacrifice, James' sacrifice, was worth it, the love I feel for him. The second is that I haven't the foggiest idea what I was supposed to be doing, now, or how to go about this 'second chance'. A lot of flailing in the dark is what it came down to, a lot of groping and hoping the holds I found would stay. And the third was Sirius. Just him. From the second I showed up, he's been there. Quietly, mostly unappreciated by me, but there. Like air when you're drowning or water in a desert - everything in you aches for it, needs it to live, but once you have it you forget how important it is. Until you lose it again."

Lily paused, jaw working as she tried to figure out how to continue. "I would give up anything, just to see him smile. I want to wake up next to him in the morning and fall asleep in his arms - just because being beside him feels like home. If there was something I could do to erase the pain and the loneliness that I can see in his eyes sometimes, I would, no matter the cost. He's been through so much, endured so much...I'm in awe of him. Of the man he is, of the man I've watched him become. He literally takes my breath away. And if all I can be is his friend, that's enough. Just the pieces of him I can have, just the glimpses of closeness I'm allowed."

And then she smiled at Josh - small, but genuine - and shook her head. "No, not crappy at all. That's...yes. That's exactly what it's like. I think I've been in love with him for a while now. Months. But I didn't realize it, because...because he's a part of me, now. And the fact that I'm in love with him...yeah." She laughed a little. "We fought, quite badly. Because I didn't realize. And then, when I did, it was too late. I couldn't explain it without explaining everything. And I can't do that."

[josh_h_christ]

Josh smiled sadly. "I know what you feel like. Damn it, it's horrible. It's- to continue the metaphor- it's like this whole forest of mustard trees have grown up in your skull and you can't think of anything else. But you have to. I mean, it's not the same-" i.e. Josh was too busy saving the world to let himself be in love "-but it sort of is. I mean, nothing ever came out of it for me, but I was damn thankful for every day I got to see her. For God's sake, apologize. Keep him your friend. Then... maybe, one day, he can- well, he may love you back some day, and then, when it becomes inevitable that you both find out, you'll discover that you each loved the other for ages, have a good laugh about it, and then let yourselves love each other. You don't have to tell him. Just... just keep him your friend."

[lilypotter60]

And this was new - that she would feel empathy for a deity. Blinking, Lily then laughed a little and nodded. "A whole sodding forest," she agreed, running her hand through her hair.

Josh's suggestion...well, it was the best one she'd gotten. Sadly, she knew that the ending would never be as he painted it, but she could continue on with Sirius in the way she'd been going. She could be his friend. "Yeah," she smiled gently at Josh. "I...his friendship is more than enough. I wish, sometimes, I could be completely content with it. But at the same time, I'd never want to give up loving him. Because he is worth it, no matter what the pain. Thank you, Josh."

Reaching forward, Lily squeezed his hand gently. "And I'm sorry that it didn't work out for you. I wouldn't wish this on anyone."

[josh_h_christ]

Josh grinned. "No worries! Glad to have helped. Anything else I can do for you?"