Dr. Stevenstein Von Haat-Hait (OC squibbait)

[hatsarebad]

A rather bewildered looking man appears in the great hall, clutching a strange device.  Before anyone can get a good look at it, he pockets it.  "What sort of headware induced trickery is this?!" he roars, looking around.  Picking up the blank application, he mumbles something to himself and starts filling it out with a sinister looking pen.

1. What

Comments

[dinosaurman]

What, were you bitten by a rabid hat as a child?

[hatsarebad]

Ah, if only it were that simple...if...only...

When I was just a baby, my family was brutally slaughtered by a gang of mutated hats. Ever since then, I vowed to use my 345 IQ to destroy the world's hats!

So, yeah. I'm kinda like Batman.

[dinosaurman]

Only not, really.

What about the hats that aren't mutated, and sit on top of a person's head?

((Re-posted because using an icon without a hat is just a crime in this case.))

[hatsarebad]

Once again, I wish it were that simple...once...again...

Those mutated hats soon spread their evil to other hats, hats that now control the minds of men, women, children, and cats that are dressed up to look like little cowboys! If my calculations are correct, at least 70% of all hats are now evil. It is nearly impossible to tell which hats are evil, so I must destroy them all.

OH MY GOODNESS. You're wearing a hat yourself! HOW COULD I HAVE MADE SUCH A MISTAKE! Is that hat controlling your mind?! Tell me, how does pizza smell?!

[carri3_whit3]

In a festive mood as she made her plans for the New Year's party, Carrie had popped on the black hat Mort Rainey gave her at his Sorting, to top off the black-and-white check day dress she had on. Thus attired, she wandered into the Sorting Room to meet the newest applicant.

"Hey," she said with a wave. "This don't make a lotta sense t'me. How's mad science any dif'rent from reg'lar science?"

((If called for, is it okay if Carrie uses her telekinesis on Dr. Von H-H?))

[hatsarebad]

"It is all about the anger! Mad scientists are all really, really angry at something. Why, I had a friend, mad scientist too, he was angry at himself! Made a ray gun to destroy the entire world, except himself, so that he'd die in space. Funny guy. Some superhero stopped him, though. Probably a good idea."

"HOLY FISH-NET STOCKINGS. You're wearing a hat! And it's a class B! Don't worry, I'll save you!" he yelled, reaching for her hat.

((Sure thing.))

[carri3_whit3]

"YEEP!" Carrie jumped backward and telekinetically flung her hat behind her, out of the crazy man's reach. "Great hoppin' fleas, what is the matter with you?! It's called personal space for a reason!"

[hatsarebad]

"Good! It's fleeing, so I think you're safe now. I'm sorry about that, but that was a class B danger hat! Over 90% of that type of hat has been infected! It is not safe to wear it! Not safe, I say! Not. Safe." he said, getting uncomfortably close to Carrie.

[msgalindaupland]

But...but...I like my hats! Even the hideodeous ones from my granny! *pout*

((OMG Wierd Al PB. LOVELOVELOVE.))

[hatsarebad]

Gasping loudly, he grabbed her by the shoulders. "Ma'am, not to alarm you, but I have reason to believe that your grandmother is under the control of the evil hats! Could you please describe them to me? This is of the utmost importance!"

[msgalindaupland]

"Unhand me, sir!" She wriggles out of his grip. NOT ON. Galinda does not like being accosted by strange men. "If you really must know, they're rather ugly. One looked a bit like a bright pink peacock, one was black and pointy, one was a most distressing shade of lime yellow...just very ugly."

[hatsarebad]

Sighing heavily, he turned away from her. "All of these signs point to one thing. This isn't easy for me to say," he turned back toward her and removed his glasses in an attempt at being dramatic. "Your grandmother is most definately under the control of the evil hats."

[makeminemayday]

What. The. Hell.

May just stares for a few seconds. She's just finished cleaning her room in Gryffindor and putting stuff away, and is wearing a bandanna on her head to keep her hair out of her face. She stopped by the Sorting Room out of sheer curiosity and is already regretting it.

"Okay, I've met a guy who was convinced his hand puppet Binky was alive," she finally says. "But you're starting to make Funny Face look normal. Why hats, of all things?"

((Up to you whether or not bandanna = hat. If he reaches for her, May will probably dodge or sidestep.))

[hatsarebad]

Why hats? Was McCarthey ever asked 'Why communists?' Okay, that's a bad example, but you get my point! At least 70% of all hats are contaminated with the 'Evil Mind-Controlling Hat' virus, or EMCHV. They are the number one threat against humanity! Do you realize how many people are under the control of hats?! DO YOU?! You'd better just thank your lucky star that bandanas are immune, or you'd probably be under their control by now.

[makeminemayday]

May takes a step back, keeping herself well out of this guy's reach. "Uh huh. So, war, disease, famine, and reality TV take a backseat to hats as a threat to humanity? What color is the sky in your world?"

[hatsarebad]

Do you know what causes all of that? THE HATS. They're trying to crush humanity by turning it in upon itself! Get rid of the hats, and mankind will achieve a new golden age. That, I am sure of.

[shark_swordsman]

Kisame cocked his head and regarded the strange man curiously.

"What about headbands?" he asked, tapping the article in question.

[hatsarebad]

If it can be worn around the neck, then it is immune. That is their one weakness: necks. In fact, that's how I fought of the original mutant hats...

[shark_swordsman]

"By punching holes in them and forcing them around someone's neck?"

[hatsarebad]

For once, he actually laughed. "No, no. I discovered that necks radiate an energy call Jugular Energy. That is the hat's one weakness. That is their achille's heel. That is the anchovies on their pizza."