If Weeping is regret, Then I regret what is lost, and what could have been.
feeling alittle melancholy right now... being a deep thinker and having few around to appreciate fully the thoughts encountered and discoveries made, make for a lonely existence. Then when you find someone, you're taken aback, surprised and alittle uncomfortable; usually because finally heres someone who will challenge your statements and thoughts with more then mere cliche repetitions of which they know nothing of the origin, nor pressumed relevence.
Top it off, the energy today, after last nights storm, is feeling alittle lack luster... that lull that causes one to retreat into their own thoughts and world. If you have a loving family, stuck inside the house with you, you either end up wanting to kill each other, or you have a pleasant day/evening of it. (hopefully).
through in the realization that finances this month have been completely shot to hell... I paid off my credit card at the begining of the month, and yet, already have $180 oweing and its not even the end of the month yet. why is it oweing? because I do not have that money in my account, yet still required to pay for services, meals, and winter items. Through in some random items for xmas gifts which will be totally not appreciated... and well, you have me. broke befor the end of the month and two more events that require me to purchase items for. (ones a potluck meal, the other i don't necessarily have to purchase something at, but its appreciated, since its held in a business establishment and simply going for Drag Bingo, takes up a seat that a paying customer could be using... its kind of politely expected that you purchase something... even a small drink...)
Finally, add into this mix, coming across someones posting on Facebook, that triggered that inevitable 'wandering' from connection to connection... I traced it to someones profile page whom i have lost contact with. Someone with whom, at one point, i would have enjoyed developing a longer lasting relationship with. Be that friendship, or more intimate of relationships. Of course, theres the inevitable fact that one of the linked connections was via a profile of someone whom i have a love/hate thing going on for. To be fair, i did push things with them alittle to get things started.. (back when I had the energy, drive, desire and stupidity to do so,) and enjoyed several years of close connection with, but because by the time it ended, i had invested so heavily into the relationship, I cracked. I died. Sure, i'm "Over" it now... 8 years or more after things ended... but it took me 8+ years to get there. In that time, my health has continued to decline, I've had several failed relationships, .. (trying to find something and someone compatible, but failing miserably because I couldn't be what they were looking for, even though for the most part, they were what i was looking for.) I've tried to focus on Living life, yet most times, its just a hollow empty passage.
Family never truely understood me, nor did they allow themselves too; because it was against their religious beliefs.. and friends... well, since i can't maintain friendships,... any friends i have, either are dillusional as i was, or are true friends when i needed them and now simply exist in the background, waiting to be called if i need. ... well, thats how i like to look at it. the reality is, they've moved on, and now the only commonalities we have are a few aspects that were what introduced us in the first place. Which, if one is being realistic... isn't enough to make a long lasting relationship of friends... A reason, a Season... but not a lifetime. I would like to think i've made at least one or two along the way that are "a life time" ... and not just from the fact that I try to renew aquaintances whenever i'm in town, in their neck of the country... but because we're kindred spirits...... .. . . but .. to be honest... some days, i wonder. I get feeling so lonely and lost, i wonder whats going on. I am a leader, but I am a follower. If left to my own devices, I wander where i will, as the moment directs... free to the currents of time and tide, no anchor other then a loose idea of a goal, if any... Yet I can lead towards a Goal, if I have one. If i have co-operative associated individuals. .. But I still look towards someone elses light... (hence why writen words are so important. They can contain that light long after the one who spoke/wrote them are gone.) (sic: religious teachings of philosophy and science) But sadly, I am now at that point in my life, where all my efforts seem for naught. I do not have the promised reward. That Golden Compass, that Laurel wreath. I've done and I've endured, and now they say I'm left waunting. My efforts have not been 'good enough', yet having been given no direction or appropriate critique along the way to help and illuminate. Its the randomness of chance and fate; to wander the dark tunnel and be told that only if you reach the end, will you be rewarded when the light comes on. Inside that tunnel are obsticals, obsticals that appear as walls. walls that move. move at the whim and will of some outside force/being. So seconds before the light is switched on, when you've reached what you believe to be the end, they move the wall an impossibly far distance, then tell you Sorry, you didn't make it. Lead you to believe you have a hope, a chance, yet in the end, never actually having any intention of allowing you to finish, succeed. The cake is a Lie.
So i sit here, with my stuffy nose, my cold toes, my aching feet and painful legs pondering what might have been, what could have been, what never will now because I acknowledge the futility without even making the effort. Because I am just too tired to try. It is an invariably wide chasm that I do not have the strength, speed, energy or knowledge to traverse before the time runs out. Yet, I am also at a point where there is very little else around me. Either I return from whence I came, or I sit and await death.
Neither option is appealing.
To return, means physical pain, enduring the discomfort of physical effort; only to return as a broken being. Un appreciated, and undesired.
To return means accepting that there is no more. There is nothing new. The expanse has been explored and there is nothing more to discover; and knowing that by the time you return to the last known point of prosperity, it will be but a barren wasteland by the time you arrive.
To be the prodigal son, is to say that the exploration has been for naught; I refuse to accept that. The effort must be appreciated, if undervalued. The experience must be cherrished, even if misunderstood. The causation must be examined, because it means things aren't perfect yet. So i refuse to be a prodigal son. Aside which, I wouldn't even know where to return too. Most of that which i was taught as a child, is false illusion, reinforced to create a semblence of civility; exposure to the raw truth is punished and reality is seen as a danger; rather then enduring the pain of transition and healing; they encompass and fester from within.
Do they do a lot of good humanitarian work, none the less of the false teachings? That they do. a great many owe their lives to the humanitarian efforts of that group from whence i came. But I cannot return to them, not knowing what I know now. I could not be comfortable living amongst them, knowing what i know, having experienced what i've experienced... it is what drove me away in the first place.
If i were to attempt to change my sexual orientation (as is possible for bisexuals to do, since they are blessed with the ability to shift from one to the other as situation and need requires) that would label me as Bisexual, not Homosexual... which scares the crap out of me. Not because i have not seen a real live vagina and boobs before, but because its not sexually attractive to me. Men are my candy, my solace and my need. I could examine myself and perhaps consider myself to be a woman inside a mans body, if i were to try and adjust to classically modern binary thinking about what a gay man is... but I have zero desire to undergo a sex change. I am happy as I am. That is, i am content with my physical gender assignment. I am not content with the physical state of its being however. but that another time. I could once again, split my personalities... those which I tried so hard as a child to integrate into a single being... but why bother, they're already as unique to each other as the socially labeled divergent interests currently are. I am who I am, that is all I am. But who am I?
To discover who i am, i need to know where I came from and ideally where I am going. To know i am a journeyman through life, to exist, learn and experience... is well and good, but i refuse to acccept that that is simply all there is. And so, i cannot be happy. Happy implies contentment, contentment implies 'enough'; and my vessel is broken, I will never be able to have enough. Or that my vessel is so inordinately large, i can never be content with what the average soul can be content with.
to momentarily change tracks here, in the store today, i heard someone comment that "its too early (for the snow to be falling)", and i'm like Huh? too early? its Middle of November.. when the hell do you consider it "okay" for snow to be falling!? If you apply the seasons to the calendar then of course you're always going to be saying "its too early" I mean, get a grip people. The only people who are allowed to say its too early, are those from southern climates who've just recently moved here. And then only in passing compairative reference to what they are used to for time. Cause around here, If it hasn't started snowing by middle of November, you start to worry. big time. Drought and famine, pestulance and pleague worry.
back ...
To say I regret what was lost, is the understatement. I regret both personal and social, individual and communal. Once again, i find myself coming to the conclusion i was born in the wrong time period. So many social and communal advances (and i'm not talking technological here, i'm talking emotion and philosophical) have been lost to us. We treat each other like vermin, we spew hate because we want to randomly seek revenge against something that seems scary, we allow governments to build armies, instead of feeding the poor and homeless. The veterans of those wars, the lucky ones now days, are the dead ones. They don't have to know how futile their efforts were, how undervalued their sacrifices. The living and maimed, get kicked to the curb like so much broken and recycled junk. Detritus to be scorned and scrapped off the bottom of your shoe like so much used chewing gum.
We have allowed Greed to replace "enough" and currently the americans are the worst for this. Its no longer the home of the Proud, strong and Free; its the home of the Rich the few the obstinate liar. Oh sure, the common people are struggling, and for the most part are great folks, no worse or different then most others anywhere in the world... kind, considerate and respectful... but the government... oh man, between it and the media which is now all owned and operated by a select few ( i don't care if i sound like a conspiracy theorist on this, when the appearance is the same as the actual fact; the results will be the same no matter your intentions.) ((yes, this goes for women who want to dress like a slut, and men who behave badly.)) You might be able to convince someone that what you gave them was an orange for a little while, but all you have to do is show them a REAL Orange once, and they'll soon realize what you've been handing them are in fact lemons.
I weep for what I have lost. Because of that afore mentioned religious zealotism expressed by my family; I lost many of my floor plans and architectural drawing ideas to the burning barrel. Grandmother came along, gathered up all the loose paper, porn magazines (not that there were many), and any other "Offending/offensive" or unused (in her head) items that could burn, and took them out to the burning barrel and burnt them. My mother tried to do the same thing with many of my things which to her had little relevance or connection to what she interpreted as her understanding of a perfect following of the gospel. I lost hope each time they did this. I lost a bit of my soul, i lost my happiness. Over the years, because i've trusted people i obviously shouldn't have, i have lost a lot more. I am now but a shadow of who i was, and nothing compared to what I could be or could have been.
I religious blessing i once had, a blessing that is supposed to be considered sacred and almost like a right of passage, that gives you guidance and understanding of your life.... the moment i heard it spoken... all i heard was 'cookie cutter' phrases and blind compilation of formulaic aspects. It promised me family, health, wealth, prosperity etc... if only i lived but the word of wisdom and followed the teachings of Jesus christ. It told me I'd help a great many to an understanding of the true gospel, and lead many more to it as well. ((this is the ONLY aspect of it, that rings true to my ears. How else do you explain the fact i see through to the heart of a matter and summarize things so succinctly? no, not when i'm writing myself, you dorks :P I know i personally have a diahretic tongue, or at least fingers.)) But i see the connections that others do not. in most cases, i can sense when something is true or when its false or where the truths are hidden behind false words/actions. But all else... either is against what I am, or impossible based on current gospel interpretations. Oh sure, i could still screw a woman and get her pregnant. at least, i could if the mechanisms worked. Every gay guy can do that. its been proven time and again. But it promised me a loving spouse (think they used 'wife') ... but that implies a coupling of the physical with the emotional that just doesn't exist in me. (brief moment of possible revelation, or just perchance ponderance upon the idea: it could be because it has never been nutured, i'm scared to allow that part to bloom, or i really am not attracted to wemon in anything other then friendship form.) either way, most of what it promised, either has to be taken reallly (and i mean REALLY) vaguely, or at least skeptically; or it has to be considered a lie... why? well, wife... children... health... wealth... prosperity... what do you think? Gay guys don't have kids except through surogacy and adoption. in most places adoption is still not allowed by couples.. singles .. maybe, but not couples. And surogacies are still touchy subjects. Wife... okay, this could be excused as a possible mistype by the transcriptionist, especially if they were accustomed to using the socially equated terms in such matters, wife for male, husband for female.. So if "spouse" is the actual term that was to be used, then okay, that allows for the recent adoption in many states (and all of canada) for Same-sex(gender) marriage being recognized. Health... well, in so much as consuming an organic, all natural, non-heavily refined diet of first generation processed foods is healthy for anyone, then yeah, thats a no brainer... personal health... its been sucky... the only accurate thing they've stuck me with for a label and its not really a label, more of a description/cause... is the same thing the world class gymnasts get stricken with as they age... their bodies litterally seize up.. muscles harden, tendons shorten and snap, internal organs fail, brains shut down, ... all by the time their 40, if they make it to 40. (now theres a few things that could do that to the body, so thats why i say, they didn't really label me with anything, just a general idea.) Combine that with personal premonition as a child... i got maybe 4-5 years left before i'm dead. Wealth.... well, i have financial instability... i live on a government stipend for the disabled. Its not alot, barely enough to make it through the month, and as this month has shown me, i cannot support anyone else on that meager amount without going into debt myself. But, ... it's kept me alive. not really happy, fulfilled, joyous, etc... but alive. Prosperity... is in the eye of the beholder. Is it material wealth accumulation? is it knowledge accumulation? is Power? Is it fame? love? friends? all of the above? none of the above?
So yah, i regret what i lost.. lost knowledge, lost opportunities, lost trust, lost happiness, lost stamina. I regret not being able to seize more opportunities when they arose, but fear of so much prevented me from doing so. Now, i'm not so fearful, but those opportunities will never present again. As for new ones, they require so much work to accept or reach for... after your given number of failures, you just sort of give up all together. settle in to enjoy your misery. Todays world is so not about helping others, no one really cares about you anymore. So when you get down, and need a hand up... its usually not there. as has been in my case. and frankly, i've been let down and dissappointed sooo often, for soo long... i've given up hoping for help, given up expecting help, given up asking for help. There is one helping hand i've been offered, and i've tried to not take advantage of it and to make my appreciation known, so they don't pull that hand back before things are over.
But again, because of constraints with it, the rubber band has snapped. So i hope they don't think i haven't been trying. Hell its one of the few things i've been trying to do, of the plethora of things i've given up on, this isn't one of them... i've only back slid, because its winter, and winter makes me hurt. physically and emotionally.
Top it off, the energy today, after last nights storm, is feeling alittle lack luster... that lull that causes one to retreat into their own thoughts and world. If you have a loving family, stuck inside the house with you, you either end up wanting to kill each other, or you have a pleasant day/evening of it. (hopefully).
through in the realization that finances this month have been completely shot to hell... I paid off my credit card at the begining of the month, and yet, already have $180 oweing and its not even the end of the month yet. why is it oweing? because I do not have that money in my account, yet still required to pay for services, meals, and winter items. Through in some random items for xmas gifts which will be totally not appreciated... and well, you have me. broke befor the end of the month and two more events that require me to purchase items for. (ones a potluck meal, the other i don't necessarily have to purchase something at, but its appreciated, since its held in a business establishment and simply going for Drag Bingo, takes up a seat that a paying customer could be using... its kind of politely expected that you purchase something... even a small drink...)
Finally, add into this mix, coming across someones posting on Facebook, that triggered that inevitable 'wandering' from connection to connection... I traced it to someones profile page whom i have lost contact with. Someone with whom, at one point, i would have enjoyed developing a longer lasting relationship with. Be that friendship, or more intimate of relationships. Of course, theres the inevitable fact that one of the linked connections was via a profile of someone whom i have a love/hate thing going on for. To be fair, i did push things with them alittle to get things started.. (back when I had the energy, drive, desire and stupidity to do so,) and enjoyed several years of close connection with, but because by the time it ended, i had invested so heavily into the relationship, I cracked. I died. Sure, i'm "Over" it now... 8 years or more after things ended... but it took me 8+ years to get there. In that time, my health has continued to decline, I've had several failed relationships, .. (trying to find something and someone compatible, but failing miserably because I couldn't be what they were looking for, even though for the most part, they were what i was looking for.) I've tried to focus on Living life, yet most times, its just a hollow empty passage.
Family never truely understood me, nor did they allow themselves too; because it was against their religious beliefs.. and friends... well, since i can't maintain friendships,... any friends i have, either are dillusional as i was, or are true friends when i needed them and now simply exist in the background, waiting to be called if i need. ... well, thats how i like to look at it. the reality is, they've moved on, and now the only commonalities we have are a few aspects that were what introduced us in the first place. Which, if one is being realistic... isn't enough to make a long lasting relationship of friends... A reason, a Season... but not a lifetime. I would like to think i've made at least one or two along the way that are "a life time" ... and not just from the fact that I try to renew aquaintances whenever i'm in town, in their neck of the country... but because we're kindred spirits...... .. . . but .. to be honest... some days, i wonder. I get feeling so lonely and lost, i wonder whats going on. I am a leader, but I am a follower. If left to my own devices, I wander where i will, as the moment directs... free to the currents of time and tide, no anchor other then a loose idea of a goal, if any... Yet I can lead towards a Goal, if I have one. If i have co-operative associated individuals. .. But I still look towards someone elses light... (hence why writen words are so important. They can contain that light long after the one who spoke/wrote them are gone.) (sic: religious teachings of philosophy and science) But sadly, I am now at that point in my life, where all my efforts seem for naught. I do not have the promised reward. That Golden Compass, that Laurel wreath. I've done and I've endured, and now they say I'm left waunting. My efforts have not been 'good enough', yet having been given no direction or appropriate critique along the way to help and illuminate. Its the randomness of chance and fate; to wander the dark tunnel and be told that only if you reach the end, will you be rewarded when the light comes on. Inside that tunnel are obsticals, obsticals that appear as walls. walls that move. move at the whim and will of some outside force/being. So seconds before the light is switched on, when you've reached what you believe to be the end, they move the wall an impossibly far distance, then tell you Sorry, you didn't make it. Lead you to believe you have a hope, a chance, yet in the end, never actually having any intention of allowing you to finish, succeed. The cake is a Lie.
So i sit here, with my stuffy nose, my cold toes, my aching feet and painful legs pondering what might have been, what could have been, what never will now because I acknowledge the futility without even making the effort. Because I am just too tired to try. It is an invariably wide chasm that I do not have the strength, speed, energy or knowledge to traverse before the time runs out. Yet, I am also at a point where there is very little else around me. Either I return from whence I came, or I sit and await death.
Neither option is appealing.
To return, means physical pain, enduring the discomfort of physical effort; only to return as a broken being. Un appreciated, and undesired.
To return means accepting that there is no more. There is nothing new. The expanse has been explored and there is nothing more to discover; and knowing that by the time you return to the last known point of prosperity, it will be but a barren wasteland by the time you arrive.
To be the prodigal son, is to say that the exploration has been for naught; I refuse to accept that. The effort must be appreciated, if undervalued. The experience must be cherrished, even if misunderstood. The causation must be examined, because it means things aren't perfect yet. So i refuse to be a prodigal son. Aside which, I wouldn't even know where to return too. Most of that which i was taught as a child, is false illusion, reinforced to create a semblence of civility; exposure to the raw truth is punished and reality is seen as a danger; rather then enduring the pain of transition and healing; they encompass and fester from within.
Do they do a lot of good humanitarian work, none the less of the false teachings? That they do. a great many owe their lives to the humanitarian efforts of that group from whence i came. But I cannot return to them, not knowing what I know now. I could not be comfortable living amongst them, knowing what i know, having experienced what i've experienced... it is what drove me away in the first place.
If i were to attempt to change my sexual orientation (as is possible for bisexuals to do, since they are blessed with the ability to shift from one to the other as situation and need requires) that would label me as Bisexual, not Homosexual... which scares the crap out of me. Not because i have not seen a real live vagina and boobs before, but because its not sexually attractive to me. Men are my candy, my solace and my need. I could examine myself and perhaps consider myself to be a woman inside a mans body, if i were to try and adjust to classically modern binary thinking about what a gay man is... but I have zero desire to undergo a sex change. I am happy as I am. That is, i am content with my physical gender assignment. I am not content with the physical state of its being however. but that another time. I could once again, split my personalities... those which I tried so hard as a child to integrate into a single being... but why bother, they're already as unique to each other as the socially labeled divergent interests currently are. I am who I am, that is all I am. But who am I?
To discover who i am, i need to know where I came from and ideally where I am going. To know i am a journeyman through life, to exist, learn and experience... is well and good, but i refuse to acccept that that is simply all there is. And so, i cannot be happy. Happy implies contentment, contentment implies 'enough'; and my vessel is broken, I will never be able to have enough. Or that my vessel is so inordinately large, i can never be content with what the average soul can be content with.
to momentarily change tracks here, in the store today, i heard someone comment that "its too early (for the snow to be falling)", and i'm like Huh? too early? its Middle of November.. when the hell do you consider it "okay" for snow to be falling!? If you apply the seasons to the calendar then of course you're always going to be saying "its too early" I mean, get a grip people. The only people who are allowed to say its too early, are those from southern climates who've just recently moved here. And then only in passing compairative reference to what they are used to for time. Cause around here, If it hasn't started snowing by middle of November, you start to worry. big time. Drought and famine, pestulance and pleague worry.
back ...
To say I regret what was lost, is the understatement. I regret both personal and social, individual and communal. Once again, i find myself coming to the conclusion i was born in the wrong time period. So many social and communal advances (and i'm not talking technological here, i'm talking emotion and philosophical) have been lost to us. We treat each other like vermin, we spew hate because we want to randomly seek revenge against something that seems scary, we allow governments to build armies, instead of feeding the poor and homeless. The veterans of those wars, the lucky ones now days, are the dead ones. They don't have to know how futile their efforts were, how undervalued their sacrifices. The living and maimed, get kicked to the curb like so much broken and recycled junk. Detritus to be scorned and scrapped off the bottom of your shoe like so much used chewing gum.
We have allowed Greed to replace "enough" and currently the americans are the worst for this. Its no longer the home of the Proud, strong and Free; its the home of the Rich the few the obstinate liar. Oh sure, the common people are struggling, and for the most part are great folks, no worse or different then most others anywhere in the world... kind, considerate and respectful... but the government... oh man, between it and the media which is now all owned and operated by a select few ( i don't care if i sound like a conspiracy theorist on this, when the appearance is the same as the actual fact; the results will be the same no matter your intentions.) ((yes, this goes for women who want to dress like a slut, and men who behave badly.)) You might be able to convince someone that what you gave them was an orange for a little while, but all you have to do is show them a REAL Orange once, and they'll soon realize what you've been handing them are in fact lemons.
I weep for what I have lost. Because of that afore mentioned religious zealotism expressed by my family; I lost many of my floor plans and architectural drawing ideas to the burning barrel. Grandmother came along, gathered up all the loose paper, porn magazines (not that there were many), and any other "Offending/offensive" or unused (in her head) items that could burn, and took them out to the burning barrel and burnt them. My mother tried to do the same thing with many of my things which to her had little relevance or connection to what she interpreted as her understanding of a perfect following of the gospel. I lost hope each time they did this. I lost a bit of my soul, i lost my happiness. Over the years, because i've trusted people i obviously shouldn't have, i have lost a lot more. I am now but a shadow of who i was, and nothing compared to what I could be or could have been.
I religious blessing i once had, a blessing that is supposed to be considered sacred and almost like a right of passage, that gives you guidance and understanding of your life.... the moment i heard it spoken... all i heard was 'cookie cutter' phrases and blind compilation of formulaic aspects. It promised me family, health, wealth, prosperity etc... if only i lived but the word of wisdom and followed the teachings of Jesus christ. It told me I'd help a great many to an understanding of the true gospel, and lead many more to it as well. ((this is the ONLY aspect of it, that rings true to my ears. How else do you explain the fact i see through to the heart of a matter and summarize things so succinctly? no, not when i'm writing myself, you dorks :P I know i personally have a diahretic tongue, or at least fingers.)) But i see the connections that others do not. in most cases, i can sense when something is true or when its false or where the truths are hidden behind false words/actions. But all else... either is against what I am, or impossible based on current gospel interpretations. Oh sure, i could still screw a woman and get her pregnant. at least, i could if the mechanisms worked. Every gay guy can do that. its been proven time and again. But it promised me a loving spouse (think they used 'wife') ... but that implies a coupling of the physical with the emotional that just doesn't exist in me. (brief moment of possible revelation, or just perchance ponderance upon the idea: it could be because it has never been nutured, i'm scared to allow that part to bloom, or i really am not attracted to wemon in anything other then friendship form.) either way, most of what it promised, either has to be taken reallly (and i mean REALLY) vaguely, or at least skeptically; or it has to be considered a lie... why? well, wife... children... health... wealth... prosperity... what do you think? Gay guys don't have kids except through surogacy and adoption. in most places adoption is still not allowed by couples.. singles .. maybe, but not couples. And surogacies are still touchy subjects. Wife... okay, this could be excused as a possible mistype by the transcriptionist, especially if they were accustomed to using the socially equated terms in such matters, wife for male, husband for female.. So if "spouse" is the actual term that was to be used, then okay, that allows for the recent adoption in many states (and all of canada) for Same-sex(gender) marriage being recognized. Health... well, in so much as consuming an organic, all natural, non-heavily refined diet of first generation processed foods is healthy for anyone, then yeah, thats a no brainer... personal health... its been sucky... the only accurate thing they've stuck me with for a label and its not really a label, more of a description/cause... is the same thing the world class gymnasts get stricken with as they age... their bodies litterally seize up.. muscles harden, tendons shorten and snap, internal organs fail, brains shut down, ... all by the time their 40, if they make it to 40. (now theres a few things that could do that to the body, so thats why i say, they didn't really label me with anything, just a general idea.) Combine that with personal premonition as a child... i got maybe 4-5 years left before i'm dead. Wealth.... well, i have financial instability... i live on a government stipend for the disabled. Its not alot, barely enough to make it through the month, and as this month has shown me, i cannot support anyone else on that meager amount without going into debt myself. But, ... it's kept me alive. not really happy, fulfilled, joyous, etc... but alive. Prosperity... is in the eye of the beholder. Is it material wealth accumulation? is it knowledge accumulation? is Power? Is it fame? love? friends? all of the above? none of the above?
So yah, i regret what i lost.. lost knowledge, lost opportunities, lost trust, lost happiness, lost stamina. I regret not being able to seize more opportunities when they arose, but fear of so much prevented me from doing so. Now, i'm not so fearful, but those opportunities will never present again. As for new ones, they require so much work to accept or reach for... after your given number of failures, you just sort of give up all together. settle in to enjoy your misery. Todays world is so not about helping others, no one really cares about you anymore. So when you get down, and need a hand up... its usually not there. as has been in my case. and frankly, i've been let down and dissappointed sooo often, for soo long... i've given up hoping for help, given up expecting help, given up asking for help. There is one helping hand i've been offered, and i've tried to not take advantage of it and to make my appreciation known, so they don't pull that hand back before things are over.
But again, because of constraints with it, the rubber band has snapped. So i hope they don't think i haven't been trying. Hell its one of the few things i've been trying to do, of the plethora of things i've given up on, this isn't one of them... i've only back slid, because its winter, and winter makes me hurt. physically and emotionally.