fresh starts
Today is labour day. Today is my day for a fresh start. Sure people say that all the time, but I woke up to a pretty hard rain storm and I see it as being symbolic.
See, after about 5 years of not smoking cigarettes, i started again. I just felt like doing it, so I did. Unfortunately, it was very easy to get back into that habit, regardless of how shitty it makes me feel.
I decided that I needed to reign myself back in. I have been so distraught about not having the time with my fantasy man, that I have been driving myself crazy. See, i have discovered that even though it is totally not allowed in our relationship, I have some pretty deep feelings for him. i really think that came about because I already knew him and just got to know him and like even more this summer. On paper, he is my perfect man. On paper. Well, my perfect man has eased my self-induced fears. i just got to spend time with him yesterday and for me to feel better when i start to flip out about him, seeing him or just a quick hello takes care of it all. it wasn't in a one on one setting, but i got to talk to him and see him and know that he's still there. i just overeact. I have too much time on my hands and that's where i concentrate it all. i really don't like that. i have to just let things happen and they will. he is my friend and that is so important. anything else is bonus, but gee, i really like what i see. Bummer for me though. I will have to move on, I know that, but i am just not ready to that yet. i will know when the time is right and its not now.
So anywho, I have just let myself get out of control. i have quit exercising, which is really bad, i started smoking more regularly and drank nearly a 6 pack by myself the other night. i don't drink the same way i used to. In other words, i don't drink much anymore. i feel like i have gained weight back, though i haven't. My body has shifted stuff around and i feel like a flipping blimp. I have worked way too hard on losing the 25 - 30 pounds that I have lost this year to just go into a self-imposed depression and gain it all back.
i very easily allow myself to get into personal ruts like this. the challenge is getting myself out of them, again and again and again. Well, its time again and i am up for the challenge. i have to be and i have to refuse to fail. I have to go about this in my own way, but out of the funk I come.
so as i rattle on, my goals are this. I as of today have totally quit smoking. No more cigars, no nothing. i have to do that. I will begin my weight-watchers again next week. it takes planning, so i have to be prepared and not enter into it 1/2 assed. it won't work that way. I will start exercising more too. i will make a schedule of what i have to do and then make the time for it. i have no choice. i have no other options on these matters. my happiness and the way i interact with others totally depends on it. sacrifice is the name of the game. i have to! i have to! i have to! I can't stand being miserable anymore, and that is exactly what i have allowed myself to become. i was so much happier before this current slide. that happiness included my perfect man and only him out of all the "bad" things i have started doing. I will train myself to deal with the time lapses with him as I will retrain myself to follow weight watchers and exercise.
I am going to start reading more. I am going to learn. I want to learn. I want to fill up all of that empty time i have which leads to my self-induced panic attacks! All that spare time that has gotten me where i a today. on the road to having to recover. and recover i will! I can't wait to get back up and take off running. I feel awful!
Go girlfriend! here's to much better days. happiness is not far away. you can feel it. don't let it slip away!
See, after about 5 years of not smoking cigarettes, i started again. I just felt like doing it, so I did. Unfortunately, it was very easy to get back into that habit, regardless of how shitty it makes me feel.
I decided that I needed to reign myself back in. I have been so distraught about not having the time with my fantasy man, that I have been driving myself crazy. See, i have discovered that even though it is totally not allowed in our relationship, I have some pretty deep feelings for him. i really think that came about because I already knew him and just got to know him and like even more this summer. On paper, he is my perfect man. On paper. Well, my perfect man has eased my self-induced fears. i just got to spend time with him yesterday and for me to feel better when i start to flip out about him, seeing him or just a quick hello takes care of it all. it wasn't in a one on one setting, but i got to talk to him and see him and know that he's still there. i just overeact. I have too much time on my hands and that's where i concentrate it all. i really don't like that. i have to just let things happen and they will. he is my friend and that is so important. anything else is bonus, but gee, i really like what i see. Bummer for me though. I will have to move on, I know that, but i am just not ready to that yet. i will know when the time is right and its not now.
So anywho, I have just let myself get out of control. i have quit exercising, which is really bad, i started smoking more regularly and drank nearly a 6 pack by myself the other night. i don't drink the same way i used to. In other words, i don't drink much anymore. i feel like i have gained weight back, though i haven't. My body has shifted stuff around and i feel like a flipping blimp. I have worked way too hard on losing the 25 - 30 pounds that I have lost this year to just go into a self-imposed depression and gain it all back.
i very easily allow myself to get into personal ruts like this. the challenge is getting myself out of them, again and again and again. Well, its time again and i am up for the challenge. i have to be and i have to refuse to fail. I have to go about this in my own way, but out of the funk I come.
so as i rattle on, my goals are this. I as of today have totally quit smoking. No more cigars, no nothing. i have to do that. I will begin my weight-watchers again next week. it takes planning, so i have to be prepared and not enter into it 1/2 assed. it won't work that way. I will start exercising more too. i will make a schedule of what i have to do and then make the time for it. i have no choice. i have no other options on these matters. my happiness and the way i interact with others totally depends on it. sacrifice is the name of the game. i have to! i have to! i have to! I can't stand being miserable anymore, and that is exactly what i have allowed myself to become. i was so much happier before this current slide. that happiness included my perfect man and only him out of all the "bad" things i have started doing. I will train myself to deal with the time lapses with him as I will retrain myself to follow weight watchers and exercise.
I am going to start reading more. I am going to learn. I want to learn. I want to fill up all of that empty time i have which leads to my self-induced panic attacks! All that spare time that has gotten me where i a today. on the road to having to recover. and recover i will! I can't wait to get back up and take off running. I feel awful!
Go girlfriend! here's to much better days. happiness is not far away. you can feel it. don't let it slip away!