what's going on
Its been a long time since i have written in here or any other journal for that matter. I used to write in my physical journal nearly every day. For some reason I seem to not think i need to right now. I went from carrying it with me every where i went to not even bothering anymore.
Today has been the worst day for me. I am such a mess. I am trying to keep myself together today. Its been really tough. My main avenue for release can't log on because of her new job and she would be too busy for me today anyway. Would figure that when i really need her, she's not there. total bummerage too.
I do have eric, but I don't want to bring him down with my woes. I know i could but i don't want to do that to them. Mandy i don't mind, but i don't want eric to feel burdened to listen to my crap.
I haven't been able to determine if i am incredibly hormonal today or if things are really falling apart for me. I am discovering that my anger towards jim is resurfacing. I am trying to not make any rash decisions right now. I don't know if its all related or what's going on.
i don't physically feel right either. That could be the hormonal imbalance thing or something. I have been so tired for so long. Yesterday was the first day in a long time that i felt rested for most of the day and all was well. i told myself before i went to bed the night before that i was going to have a great day and sleep well and all that jazz. that is exactly what happened too. and then the end of hockey practice came.......
I am going to see the scissor sisters with my friend todd. definitely not jim. he hates everything i like anymore. purposely too. he may actually like it, but takes joy in telling me that he hates it. when i told him that s.s were coming he just grunted. I am not even asking him to go. fucking bastard. anyway, i sent todd a text message about them coming and he's like yeah i wanna go! so as he was heading up the stairs to get on the ice for practice, i said i need to talk to you before saturday. i did try to talk to him when it was just the 2 of us walking to a table earlier during practice. we then discussed the show details. not a huge deal, but i think it flipped todd out a little because we were talking about it with jim there. i could have totally read it wrong, but that's how i took it which has since caused me to overthink the whole fucking situation and send myself into a tailspin. I so over-react to everything when it comes to todd. i have never voiced my flip outs to him, which is good, because everything has turned out to be the exact opposite of how i was reacting. I could have done some serious damage to our friendship, i am sure, if i had. So now, i waste all of this energy worried about todd and what he's thinking and if he was freaked out by the conversation and all that. I am sure its fine and if not he will tell me. He's supposed to let me know if there's anyone else that might want to go with us. He mentioned his ex-secretary. We will see. I need to check with eric too.
I feel so fucked up right now. My back hurts, my abdomen hurts. I am sure its all stress and hormonal related. I feel trapped and out of control. I don't know what to do about it, how to go about doing anything about it, if its only going to last for today. I am just miserable. i want a hot bath and an escape. I can't have either right now. Again, I'm fucked. I am not even going to proof read. screw it.
Today has been the worst day for me. I am such a mess. I am trying to keep myself together today. Its been really tough. My main avenue for release can't log on because of her new job and she would be too busy for me today anyway. Would figure that when i really need her, she's not there. total bummerage too.
I do have eric, but I don't want to bring him down with my woes. I know i could but i don't want to do that to them. Mandy i don't mind, but i don't want eric to feel burdened to listen to my crap.
I haven't been able to determine if i am incredibly hormonal today or if things are really falling apart for me. I am discovering that my anger towards jim is resurfacing. I am trying to not make any rash decisions right now. I don't know if its all related or what's going on.
i don't physically feel right either. That could be the hormonal imbalance thing or something. I have been so tired for so long. Yesterday was the first day in a long time that i felt rested for most of the day and all was well. i told myself before i went to bed the night before that i was going to have a great day and sleep well and all that jazz. that is exactly what happened too. and then the end of hockey practice came.......
I am going to see the scissor sisters with my friend todd. definitely not jim. he hates everything i like anymore. purposely too. he may actually like it, but takes joy in telling me that he hates it. when i told him that s.s were coming he just grunted. I am not even asking him to go. fucking bastard. anyway, i sent todd a text message about them coming and he's like yeah i wanna go! so as he was heading up the stairs to get on the ice for practice, i said i need to talk to you before saturday. i did try to talk to him when it was just the 2 of us walking to a table earlier during practice. we then discussed the show details. not a huge deal, but i think it flipped todd out a little because we were talking about it with jim there. i could have totally read it wrong, but that's how i took it which has since caused me to overthink the whole fucking situation and send myself into a tailspin. I so over-react to everything when it comes to todd. i have never voiced my flip outs to him, which is good, because everything has turned out to be the exact opposite of how i was reacting. I could have done some serious damage to our friendship, i am sure, if i had. So now, i waste all of this energy worried about todd and what he's thinking and if he was freaked out by the conversation and all that. I am sure its fine and if not he will tell me. He's supposed to let me know if there's anyone else that might want to go with us. He mentioned his ex-secretary. We will see. I need to check with eric too.
I feel so fucked up right now. My back hurts, my abdomen hurts. I am sure its all stress and hormonal related. I feel trapped and out of control. I don't know what to do about it, how to go about doing anything about it, if its only going to last for today. I am just miserable. i want a hot bath and an escape. I can't have either right now. Again, I'm fucked. I am not even going to proof read. screw it.