What Has Always Been There, Part Three
title: What Has Always Been There
author: nihongofrancais
genre: RPS, NEWS
pairing: Koyama/YamaPi
rating: overall PG-13
words: just under 39,000 words
disclaimer: the boys believe they own themselves; really Johnny owns 'em all. *snicker*
summary: Often, we find we don't realize what we have until it's gone. YamaPi struggles to cope in the aftermath of the announcement of NEWS's hiatus.
author's note: a labor of love in the name of my OTP KoyamaPi, originally inspired by YamaPi's February 2007 appearance on Shounen Club Premium and written over the span of one year from March 2007 through March 2008. Thanks to anamuan for betaing the majority of this monster and tinyangl, 4_03_am and jadedfrenzy for being my test readers. There is love for each and every one of you. ♥
part zero | part one | part two | part three | part four | coda |
date: 11/04/06 23:23
to: Ryo-chan , Akanishi Jin
from: YamaPi
We haven't gone out in forever.
Clearly, this must be fixed.
Dinner and drinks, anyone?
(particularly you, Jin, seeing as I haven't
SEEN you in how long?)
*~*~*
Their schedules never really aligned, so it was something of a miracle when a mere week and half later, YamaPi, Ryo, and Jin found themselves gathered around a small table in a relatively high-quality yakiniku restaurant, slabs of karubi, mino, and harami going on the gas grill and their glasses topped off with nama beer.
Jin took a long swig from his beer glass, nearly finishing off the contents in one go. "Beer after work is the best," he sighed happily, leaning forward to poke at a piece of harami closest to him with a disposable chopstick.
"You're such a kid," Ryo teased, picking up Jin's near-empty glass and properly refilling it from the large bottle of beer sitting at the end of the table.
"I've been working non-stop since we debuted," Jin retorted, glancing at Ryo out of the corner of his eye as he continued to "nurture" the single piece of harami until it was grilled to his satisfaction. "I think I have the right to enjoy a good glass of beer after work with the way we've been slaving away."
"Are you actually complaining about being debuted finally?" Ryo arched his eyebrow at his best friend and table-mate. He noticed two pieces of karubi that looked ready in front of him and snagged them, placing them on his plate. "Are you the same Jin who marched into Johnny-san's office, demanding to know why NEWS debuted before KAT-TUN?"
Jin playfully stuck his tongue out at Ryo, withdrawing it only to take in a mouthful of his perfectly grilled harami. "I'm not complaining so much as I'm requesting time to, I dunno, maybe breathe? Just a little bit?"
"Your group is the jimusho's embodiment of sex." Ryo took a short swig of his beer after swallowing his harami. "Sex is hard work."
"I missed you guys."
Ryo and Jin simultaneously looked at YamaPi, who was smiling in a somewhat lovesick manner as he pushed his slices of mino and harami around on the grill to make room for a few pieces of pork.
"Pi, we work together," Ryo reminded as YamaPi stuck some mino into his mouth. "I see you more than I see my own family."
YamaPi waved his hand. "No, no." His tongue worked around the meat still in his mouth. "I mean, as a unit."
Jin gnawed at the end of one of his chopsticks, while the other covertly worked to get a slab of YamaPi's pork over to his side of the grill. "Pi, Ryo and I were never a unit."
"Not an idol unit," he clarified, thwarting Jin's attempt to steal his food by snatching up that piece of pork and popping it into his mouth. "I mean, this." YamaPi set his chopsticks across his empty plate and gestured with his hands at the table in general. "You two. The three of us. Eating. Talking. Being normal people."
"Well, we aren't aliens."
Ryo cast Jin a sideways glance. "Are you sure about yourself?"
YamaPi simply chuckled, shaking his head. "Oh, I really missed this," he sighed once more in contentment, leaning back into his chair, eyes sliding shut as he sipped his beer.
"Pi, are you okay?"
YamaPi opened one eye to see Ryo trying to fill his empty glass himself and quickly pounced, tugging the beer bottle from Ryo and helping him fill his glass up again. As YamaPi carefully leaned over the grill at the center of the table, Jin got in close and prodded once more. "Pi?"
"Been busy," YamaPi succinctly replied, sitting back down across from his best friends. "Drama here. Solo work there. Concert way over there. The normal rigors of idol-hood."
"Liar." Ryo rarely called YamaPi names, but when he did, he really meant them. "You've been acting weird for a while. And it's not just me who's noticed, you know."
"There's nothing wrong with me," YamaPi insisted, shoving two pieces of karubi into his mouth straight off the grill and then mumbling a curse as they burned the roof of his mouth.
"That was kind of weird," Jin pointed out, as if trying to be helpful and supply Ryo with more ammunition.
"Koyama was worried about you, before your birthday. Said that you seemed really stressed out." YamaPi's eyes widened slightly at the mention of Koyama. The same Koyama he had not really spoken with since their final conversation in his dressing room a week and a half ago. Sure, there were light conversations on tour between shows with the entire group, but they-the two of them-had not had a real conversation. Were their schedules to blame or was it the awkwardness over their disagreement of sorts? YamaPi wanted to believe it was the former, but he was sure it was more than likely the latter.
YamaPi had thought about emailing Koyama, explaining himself fully in writing-allowing him time to rationally present his reasoning-rather than struggling to vocalize the words, clumsily expressing (or not expressing) his thoughts. However, as he played with the idea of doing so, days passed and eventually he decided against it. He was not even sure if he would be able to explain it. It was just what he was-NEWS's leader-and being that came with responsibilities. He was supposed to take care of the group, the group was not supposed to coddle him.
"I think it's a plague, this weirdness," Ryo continued, adding a little oil to the grill before putting some shittake down on it. "Because suddenly Koyama's started being weird too."
"Koyama?" Jin echoed, not quite making the connection since he was a part of another group and not privy to the backstage dynamics of NEWS.
"Weird how?" YamaPi questioned, knowing and yet wanting to hear what Ryo had to say. He took a hard swig from his glass of beer, and Jin reached for the bottle to fill him up once more.
Ryo met YamaPi's gaze across the hot grill and held it. "You two together are weird. You know, as a unit."
Shocked, Jin quickly looked from YamaPi to Ryo and then back to YamaPi. "WAIT A MINUTE. You're dating Koyama, Pi?! But I thought you were interested in that one girl in your Global Marketing class from last semester!"
Both NEWS members fought the urge to bang their heads on the table right there and then. "I think you were right, Jin. You need a break. A LONG break." Ryo picked up a fat piece of karubi off the grill and offered it to Jin, who happily lifted his plate up to accept it.
"You are SO LUCKY that it's midnight on a Monday night and no one else in here is exactly sober right now," YamaPi hissed in a low voice over the cooking meat as he glanced toward the front of the restaurant where a table full of businessmen a bit beyond tipsy were laughing raucously over something that was probably not very funny. "No, I'm NOT dating Koyama. And it turned out that girl was just a rich, brainless princess, so I dropped her awhile back."
Jin regarded YamaPi carefully, chewing his karubi thoroughly before swallowing. "Then why is Ryo calling you and Koyama a unit?"
Riding on the wave of stupidity that Jin had ushered in or perhaps just overly comfortable in this mundane setting with two of his best friends, YamaPi found his inhibitions falling away and he ended up doing the last thing he had really wanted to.
Confessing.
The fear of losing NEWS and what meaning he had found in being NEWS, losing himself to his idol image, just constantly losing. Then, explaining Koyama. How despite all common sense telling him otherwise, YamaPi had come to inadvertently rely on his fellow band-mate as a sounding board; someone who listened to his worries and offered him encouragement. How Koyama and him had silently "agreed to disagree" on the way YamaPi was handling the entire situation. How now they were weird as 'a unit'.
"…but Ryo is in NEWS too," Jin highlighted as YamaPi finished telling his side of the story. "Doesn't that defeat the point of keeping this all bottled up?"
"Ryo's an exception," YamaPi easily reasoned away, picking at the remaining shittake and pork on the now cooling grill. "He has two groups to think about and keep him busy. He doesn't need me to assure him everything will be alright."
"Thank you for thinking so highly of me," Ryo accepted scoffingly. He was well aware that YamaPi was just saying that because he had spilled the beans. In the end, Pi felt the need to be NEWS's martyr and keeping Ryo in the dark had been a part of that need until just a few minutes ago.
"You should've called Toma; Toma's always good with this kind of stuff." Jin continued to instruct YamaPi on the way he should have handled the situation while eyeing the nearly empty beer bottle before him. "Do you think we should ask for another beer?"
"That doesn't do me any good now; besides, I didn't come out drinking with you two with the aim of telling this all to you," YamaPi retorted. "And we don't need another one. Don't you have work of some kind tomorrow morning?"
"Your point?"
Ryo grabbed for the bottle and emptied the remaining beer into his own glass before Jin got any ideas. "If you show up to work hung over, Kame's going to bitch you out and then indirectly blame us for letting you get drunk. We don't need that kind of drama right now; your group really just needs to keep the sex and drama to itself."
"We're not just about sex and drama, Ryo-chan."
"No, KAT-TUN's all about plastic surgery too." YamaPi recalled the debut posters and billboards of KAT-TUN (most of them gone, a few still remaining) in Shibuya that he and Koyama had made fun of over lunch and snickered.
"PI!!!"
Ryo pinched Jin's arm just hard enough to get the other's attention. "Would you just stop screaming and shut up, Jin?" YamaPi's band-mate then turned to him. "Look, Pi. You and Koyama need to stop being weird more than anything else. If you want to keep your feelings about the hiatus to yourself and not let the rest of the group in, that's your business and I get it. That's just who you are. But the fact that there is some huge, invisible elephant sitting between you and Koyama is getting pretty obvious; I know I'm not the only one who's noticed."
"I think your worries are totally understandable given everything, but at the same time, I think that NEWS will be alright in the end; NEWS is still as popular as ever and Johnny-san's no idiot," Jin offered, setting his chin on top of his clasped hands. "And even if everything should go to shit, there's always room in KAT-TUN. We could be KAT-TUNY!"
YamaPi and Ryo gave Jin pointed looks.
~*~*~
date: 26/04/06 10:47
to: Shige
from: Koyama Keiichiro
I'm free all afternoon until Shounen Club
recording this evening.
Wanna meet up at the usual café
between classes?
~*~*~
"So, are you excited?"
Koyama smiled politely at the waitress who placed his portobello and mozzarella panini sandwich on the table before him and when she walked away, returned his attention to Shige across from him. "Excited? About what?"
Shige furrowed his eyebrows at Koyama, giving him an incredulous look. "About being the main MC for Shounen Club. But clearly, you're not all that excited."
"I am excited! It's exciting and nostalgic all at the same time. Working with all the juniors is like a walk down memory lane." Koyama insisted, now that he knew the topic of conversation. "Besides, for all I knew, you could have been talking about my birthday."
"I'm not getting you anything," Shige relayed straight-faced as he gently dropped two sugar cubes into the black, caffeinated depths of his coffee.
"I know. I know," Koyama waved off, knowing that in the end, his best friend would be the first one to email him a minute past midnight and that the biggest present would be from him. "You don't want to make a big deal out of it…"
A silence fell over the two, allowing Koyama to take a huge bite out of his sandwich (he had not eaten lunch yet) and Shige to take to stirring the sugar evenly into his coffee. Silences were not uncommon between the two and most certainly not uncomfortable. If anything, it was a sign that one already knew what the other was thinking.
Except maybe not today.
"Did you get a new girlfriend?"
Koyama nearly choked on the bite making its way down his throat and quickly reached for his glass of water, washing it down. "What?!"
Shige eyed Koyama critically, setting his small stirring spoon face down on the rim of his saucer. "Are you going out with someone and trying to hide it from me?
"What makes you think that?!" Koyama's small eyes were quite wide, staring at Shige.
"I can sense you holding something back," Shige returned, his voice definite and decided. He took a short sip from his coffee cup, wrapping his hands around the outside, taking in the warmth. "And it's something big. I know it."
"You know, you have terrible investigative abilities for a law student."
"Wait. So you admit to it?!" Shige set his cup down and leaned forward, bridging the distance across the small table between Koyama and him. "You're dating someone new?!"
"I'm not dating anyone right now, you dork. Calm down," Koyama berated, pulling out a pack of Lucky Strikes and a lighter from his coat pocket and setting them flat on the table. As a waitress passed by, he called out, "Excuse me. Can I get an ashtray please?"
"If you're not dating anyone, then what is it?" Clearly, Shige's curiosity had been thoroughly piqued. "You're going to smoke now? Aren't you going to finish your panini at least?"
A moment later, the same waitress brought Koyama his requested ashtray and he kindly thanked her. "I'm going to need this stick," he waved the single cigarette at Shige before placing it between his lips and lighting it, "to get me through this story. Because it's long and complicated. Actually, it's just complicated."
As Koyama exhaled, cigarette smoke spiraling upward in the space between them, he told Shige about an old friend from prep school with whom he had recently gotten back into contact. His old friend ("What's his name?" "…Tomo-kun.") was having some trouble dealing with the changes going on his life as a third-year student. He was the lead singer in a band some of his friends had formed, but it was starting to look like they would be disbanding soon because everyone was planning to start their preparations for job hunting-attending seminars, going to workshops, essentially leaving no time for the band. None of them really wanted to disband and were holding onto the hope that perhaps after their jobs were decided-
"Kei, you suck."
The older man snapped his eyes up from where he had been staring at the salt shaker directly in front of him, concentrating on the story. Sure, at first, he had a little trouble starting at the beginning, but after that initial bump, he thought it had been pretty smooth! "Huh?"
"You suck at lying." Shige took another drink from his coffee. "Ridiculously so. Really."
Koyama frowned, taking a particularly long drag from his cigarette. "I'm not lying," he bit out.
Shige only rolled his eyes. "You can't even deny that you are lying convincingly. Besides, Tomo-kun? Being the leader of a band that's breaking up? Could you be anymore obvious, Kei?"
Not so much angry as much as disappointed in himself for thinking that he could actually pull one over on Shige, Koyama viciously stubbed his cigarette out in the ashtray. Maybe he should have just kept his mouth shut altogether. Though if he had, Shige probably would have kept digging until he managed to properly put two and two together.
However, Koyama refused to give Shige an easy victory. "About what?"
"Is it something about Yamashita-kun and the hiatus?"
"Maybe."
Shige arched an eyebrow at Koyama, who was averting his eyes and playing with the straw in his tall glass of water. "Why are you being all coy? It's kind of creepy."
"You're creepy," Koyama retorted, if only for the lack of a witty comeback. He reached into the bag slung across the back of his chair and pulled out his cell phone. Flipping it open, he pressed a few buttons before shoving it in Shige's face.
"…and this is?" Shige questioned, warily taking the cell phone. Upon closer examination, though, Shige found his question answered without a word from the other.
On the cell phone screen was a message from YamaPi, dated yesterday evening.
Shige looked up at Koyama once more, who gave him a consenting nod. "'…Koyama, we should talk about the other day. As soon as possible. Are you free to meet up in the next few days?'" He paused for a moment, shutting the cell phone and handing it back to its owner. "What happened the other day?"
"Do I really have to tell you? Can't I just act it out in hand gestures?"
"…no."
Koyama cast a forlorn glance in the direction of the mangled cigarette he had hastily extinguished minutes prior. He could have used that. He should not have done that. Sighing, he tugged a fresh cigarette from the nearly empty pack. "I said some stuff to YamaPi two weeks ago. We haven't exactly been talking since."
"Well, that explains the awkwardness in the dressing room as of late."
Koyama was just about to light the end of his second cigarette, but at Shige's comment, suddenly stopped. "Wait. You've noticed?"
"Of course." Shige gave Koyama a funny look, his finger absently running up and down the handle of his coffee cup. "Did you think that we didn't notice?"
"I dunno. I guess I'd hoped that it wasn't that obvious." Koyama sighed, letting his shoulders slump slightly. "I didn't want to ruin our last few weeks together."
"You two didn't ruin anything," Shige assured him. "It was just kind of weird watching the two of you talk to each other in the dressing room. Like there was this brick wall between the both of you and despite knowing it was there, you were talking through it like it was normal."
"Strange choice of image," Koyama remarked.
Shige shrugged. "It works."
The older man took a moment to light his cigarette and inhale, allowing the nicotine to seep into his system before speaking again. "He's having a hard time accepting the hiatus; he's scared of the idea of losing NEWS."
"Aren't we all?" Shige's voice was tinged with bitterness.
Koyama nodded sympathetically. "But this is YamaPi we are talking about. He's got his walls. He has pride. He has regrets." He tapped his cigarette lightly against the edge of the ashtray, the cinders falling away. "And on top of his worries about us as a group, he's getting thrust into his solo work and is just overwhelmed. YamaPi just wants to do what's right by the group, but he's not sure what exactly that is."
"So?" The younger man lifted his coffee cup once more, finishing it off. "What does any of this have to do with you?"
Koyama opened his mouth to offer a response, but as he started to think, found himself gently pressing his lips together in thought. What did any of this stuff have to do with him? Why him of all people? Ryo was the obvious choice. The right choice even. Though Koyama had tried his best to help YamaPi-to be the confidant he needed him to be-he had only managed to make everything weird instead.
"That's a really good question."
*~*~*
"Oh, Yamashita-kun."
"Hey, Shige." YamaPi returned the greeting, standing on the other side of Shige and Koyama's hotel door in the deserted hallway. "I was wondering if Koyama was still up."
Shige took in YamaPi's appearance-dressed casually in jeans, a jacket and a hat, sunglasses slipping gently down his nose, overnight bag hanging tiredly from over his shoulder-and deduced that NEWS's leader must have just arrived from the train station, probably without having even dropped by his own hotel room first. "Actually, he's not," Shige informed YamaPi with a slight frown. "He was doing some research for a class and fell asleep." He moved out of the doorway and motioned behind him, where YamaPi caught a glimpse of Koyama sleeping face down in an open book.
YamaPi stepped back out into the hallway, chuckling to himself. "It's okay. I was just thinking that the three of us could go over what we were planning on doing for the Kurosagi skit tomorrow, but I guess we can do that in the morning."
"I'll tell him," Shige promised, but something in the younger man's tone seemed rather telling. Like he knew something. Maybe he knew that YamaPi was lying through his teeth about wanting to talk about the skit and that, in fact, YamaPi just wanted to talk to Koyama about their falling out.
YamaPi had received the reply to the message he sent Koyama on Wednesday evening: "I guess we should talk. It is kind of awkward. When are you free?" Unfortunately, by that time, YamaPi's schedule for the rest of the week was full up with filming, meetings, and interviews and for every short window of time that he was able to spare, Koyama was busy with school or recordings for his various shows. YamaPi had even missed the last set of concert rehearsals before their final run in Sendai because of PV filming all day Saturday in Kanagawa for the "Daite Senorita" PV.
So, he had thought maybe he could get in a conversation with Koyama when he got into the hotel on Saturday night. He had not counted on the other being asleep. Not that Koyama was not allowed to sleep, but YamaPi really had wanted to talk to him before the final shows.
"Maybe in the morning…" he mumbled quietly to himself as he stepped through the curtain leading into the men's locker room of the hotel's ofuro.
He found an empty locker and quickly began stripping out of his clothing (having already dropped off his belongings in the hotel room, bringing only the essentials). Just as he was in the process of removing his jewelry-down to just his boxer-briefs-YamaPi heard the automatic door leading into the ofuro open and he glanced up to see Koyama coming out.
"Eh, Koyama?"
Koyama, who had been headed toward his own locker across the room, looked over to see YamaPi over a row of lockers. "YamaPi! I didn't think you'd be in here so quick."
"That should be my line!" YamaPi retorted playfully, tugging his earrings off and placing them into his locker. "When I came by, you were asleep!"
Koyama had gotten into his locker by then and was drying himself off with his towel. "Shige woke me up after you left. I hadn't bathed yet, so I figured that I would get into the ofuro for a little bit."
"You're always so fast," YamaPi replied, a little awed, shutting his locker and slipping the band of the locker key around his wrist.
Koyama shrugged slightly, his back to the other as he pulled on the courtesy yukata from the hotel. "I guess I'm just used to it. My sister used to stay in the ofuro forever, so I was always kind of quick about it because the water would be all lukewarm when I got to it."
With his shampoo in one hand and his wash towel in his other, YamaPi headed toward the main ofuro doors. Just as he set off the sensor and the automatic doors slid open, he called over his shoulder. "Koyama?"
Koyama turned to look at YamaPi, tying off the cotton belt on his yukata. "Yeah?"
"Do you think we could talk after I'm done? You know about…"
Koyama nodded his head in agreement, droplets of water falling from his still damp hair. "We should."
When YamaPi emerged from the ofuro a mere twenty minutes later (a record for the idol who was quite content with spending an hour or more in the ofuro normally), he found that the other two men who had been the ofuro with him and finished before him had left. However, he did spot a somewhat sleepy-looking Koyama, lounging in one of the relaxation chairs near the entrance to the locker room.
After toweling himself dry, YamaPi quickly slipped into his own yukata and joined Koyama, sitting down on a nearby footstool.
"I want to drink coffee milk."
"Then why don't you?" YamaPi sort of craved a bottle of milk as well, but they were not at a sentou so the usually ubiquitous vending machines filled with plain, coffee, and strawberry milk were nowhere to be found.
Koyama slowly sat up, pressing the back of his hand to his lips aa he tried to bite back a yawn. "It'll make me sleepier than I already am, and that's the last thing I need."
YamaPi gave a somewhat hesitant nod. He was not sure how to answer that otherwise. He was not even sure where to begin. How do you start an awkward conversation about the conversation that made everything awkward in the first place?
"Why me?"
YamaPi, who had been struggling to find the right words with which to open the conversation, once again found himself silenced by Koyama's words. "'Why me?'" he repeated, no idea what Koyama was talking about.
"Why me?" Koyama repeated once more, with more insistence. "Why not Ryo? Ryo would have been better. Or even Akanishi-kun. He's your best friend after all."
YamaPi just blinked at Koyama, who was picking non-existent lint off his fresh yukata. "Koyama, wait. What are you talking about? I don't even understand."
Koyama was quiet as he folded his legs under himself, now sitting cross-legged on the lounge chair. "Why did you tell me about this stuff? This stuff that you swore you didn't want to tell anyone. Stuff that you still won't tell anyone."
"Because I wanted to tell you," YamaPi blurted out, without even a second thought to it. He scratched the back of his head, his damp locks running through his fingers. "It's not exactly the most logical reason, I know, but aside from that, I don't even know myself. Everything just seemed to come up when you were around."
"You make me sound like the stomach flu or something. 'Oh, yeah. Every time I'm around Koyama, everything comes up and I can't keep it down!'"
YamaPi shook his head at Koyama's retort, chuckling. "I never said that. You did."
Koyama pouted to himself, staring down at his hands that he had unconsciously wrapped around his ankles. "If you had told Ryo instead, he would've understood."
"Maybe." YamaPi's thoughts momentarily drifted back to the dinner he had with Ryo and Jin. Ryo had been very understanding, but, if anything, that had been due to the fact that they both were so alike in how they tried to approach their work-they had grown up as idols together after all. It helped that before YamaPi had told Ryo, he had confided in Koyama first. YamaPi could not imagine telling Ryo how he felt a month ago, when he had not yet understood it that well himself. In talking with Koyama, he found himself being able to make sense of everything as he opened up and stopped suppressing what he felt. "And maybe not.
"You know, we might not agree on everything, but I feel like I can count on the fact that you are looking out for me. And really, I probably appreciate that more than if you understand me or not."
"Someone has to look out for you," Koyama remarked, finally looking up from his hands to meet YamaPi's gaze. "You're always looking out for everyone except yourself."
"It comes from too many hard-boiled years as an idol, I guess," YamaPi returned, a soft grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Being aware of everything I do and how I impact others, it's like this strange form of self-preservation."
"That doesn't always work," Koyama pointed out with the slightest arch of his brow.
"That doesn't always work," YamaPi admitted, parroting the Koyama's words with a sheepish duck of his head
And that's why you're around, Koyama.
*~*~*
"Who ate the last piece of gyutan?"
"…"
"KOYAMA!"
"Catering gave it to me! It's mine!"
"You could at least share with me! It's not every day we get to eat Sendai gyutan!"
Ryo appeared behind Shige, snagging the bottle of leave-in conditioner sitting on the other's make-up vanity and applying it to his own hair. Shige, who had been running the straight iron through his bangs to make them more manageable, met Ryo's eyes in the large mirror for a moment before spotting Koyama and YamaPi's reflected images battling for the infamous last piece of gyutan on the other side of the dressing room.
"At least that's back to normal," Ryo casually commented, parting his bangs evenly with his fingers.
"I'm starting to think I may have liked them better before, when they were weird and awkward," Shige sighed, giving the pair one last glance just as Koyama finally relinquished the piece of beef to YamaPi before returning his attention to his hair.
*~*~*
"Thank you all for coming! Before I say anything else, otsukaresama deshita!"
The entire catering room full of people-concert staff members, managers, and friends alike-returned YamaPi's enthusiastic greeting, a chorus of "otsukaresama deshita!" in varied voices. YamaPi, a head above everyone else, standing on his chair, smiled at the warmth of the simple words and continued on.
"Four months have passed all too fast, haven't they? From when we began planning this tour from scratch through all the work bringing it together and polishing it to the finished product, the final concert-and now it's all over. I can hardly believe it. And it's all thanks to your constant efforts. On behalf of all of NEWS, I want to say that we are all so thankful and grateful to have worked with all of you."
As a slow, but swelling applause overwhelmed the room once more, YamaPi looked around, meeting the eyes of Ishida-san, of Kawano-san, and eventually settling for a short moment on Koyama, who was holding the back of his chair steady to make sure the idol did not fall and break his head.
"As it is with every new experience, we've all learned so much and grown so much. And now, the six of us will be doing that on our own for a little while." NEWS's leader paused, glancing at the other members who were standing right at the front of the gathering. "Starting tomorrow, we'll be on hiatus as NEWS, but that doesn't mean we'll be gone forever. I think I can speak for all six of us when I say, none of us are willing to let go of NEWS that easily. There is still so much we have to learn from one another-there is still so much we have to learn about being a group.
"This hiatus isn't really a hiatus. After all, none of us are going on vacation, even if we'd certainly like to." YamaPi's lips turned upwards in a small grin and scattered laughter came from various parts of the crowd. "Instead of taking a vacation, we're going to work hard individually, so that when we do come back as NEWS we can say that NEWS hasn't lost anything over hiatus, but gained. And when we do come back, I hope that each and every one of you will be here, still supporting us."
YamaPi finished to loud applause-in their hopeful smiles, YamaPi could read the faith everyone was putting in his words, their belief that they would have the chance to work with NEWS once more. Before, it might have been an act, the comforting lies of a leader uttered to abate everyone else's fears. However, tonight, for the first time, YamaPi thought he might believe his own words as well.
He jumped down from the chair and found himself next to Koyama, who tucked the chair underneath a nearby table. "Nice speech," Koyama complimented him with a soft grin.
A grin of his own tugged at the corners of YamaPi's mouth. Somehow, hearing that from Koyama meant more than it would have coming from anyone else. "I thought so. Maybe there's hope that I'm not a complete failure when it comes to expressing myself."
"Yeah, maybe."
*~*~*
May 2006
date: 01/05/06 00:01
to: Koyama Keiichiro
from: Shige
Kei-chan,
Happy birthday! You're 22! That's old! :P
Seriously though, as a friend who has been
with me through thick and thin,
I hope that you can achieve everything
that you want this year, your 22nd.
A lot of things are happening this year
and I know you have a lot of worries about them
(because I have them too!), but I'm sure
that together we'll be fine. Nothing can
can stop KoyaShige! :)
Thanks for being my friend, Kei-chan.
I can't imagine having come all this way
without you.
*~*~*
date: 01/05/06 00:12
to: Koyama Keiichiro
from: Tegonyan
Kei-chan!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
I hope I was the first one to message you,
but I wasn't, was I? Shige was, right? ;)
Anyway, I hope you have a great birthday
enjoying your new life at 22.
Call me sometime so we can go shopping
and I can give you your present! (^ ^)
*~*~*
date: 01/05/6 8:40
to: Koyama Keiichiro
from: Massu
Koyama-kun, happy birthday!! y(^ー^)y
You're probably still sleeping,
but I figured it'd be better to get this
to you as early as possible.
I hope you have a great birthday
worth remembering ten years down the road
with fondness and laughter!
*~*~*
Koyama lazily stretched an arm, eventually resting his wrist against his forehead as he read through the slew of birthday emails that he had gotten before noon. His mailbox was already halfway full. He pondered how many more hours would it take before his mailbox was completely full and started bouncing messages back. The idea alone made him sort of giddy-he was loved.
Just as he was getting around to reading a message from one of his Meiji senpai, his phone started vibrating and "Nishikido Ryo" flashed on the screen, accompanied by his cell phone number. "Hello?"
"Happy birthday."
Koyama chuckled at how monotone Ryo's voice was. "The way you say it, I shouldn't be happy to have been born at all."
"You could just say, 'Thank you, Ryo,' you know." Koyama imagined his sharp-tongued band-mate rolling his eyes on the other end of the line. "If I wasn't in the car headed for shooting at Haneda with time to kill, I wouldn't have bothered to call at all."
Why were Shige and Ryo always alike in that respect? Never actually being truly sincere, always masking their true feelings, no matter how thin the mask. Not that Koyama had any problems with that. It was what made the two of them who they were, and Koyama would not have them any other way. "I know, I know," he acknowledged with a small smile, letting one of his legs peek out from underneath his futon as he absently stared at the bare ceiling above him. "Thank you for calling, Ryo-chan."
Ryo simply grunted and Koyama understood. "Any plans for your birthday?"
"Sleeping all day long."
"God, you are so boring, Koyama."
Koyama grinned widely at Ryo's exasperated voice. "You're just jealous because I can sleep as long as I want and you are totally full-up with work."
"Jealous? Why would I be jealous of you, O Single-Eyelid Wonder?"
Koyama stuck his tongue out, despite the fact that Ryo could not see it over the phone. "I am going out later tonight with Shige and some of our friends for dinner, but other than that, my twenty-second birthday is shaping up to be a low-key one. Not that I mind. It's just the way I like it."
Ryo said something in return, but Koyama failed to hear it because at the same time, a rapping came at Koyama's door. "Kei, there's a delivery at the door for you!" his mother's voice called out.
"Ryo, can you hold on for a second?" Koyama quickly sat up in his futon, lowering his cell phone before Ryo could even reply. "Who is it from?"
"I don't know. The delivery man insisted on handing it to you directly; he wouldn't let me take it!"
Koyama's brow furrowed. That was kind of strange. "Okay. I'll be down to get it in a minute!" He lifted his cell phone to his ear again to continue his conversation with Ryo. "Sorry about that; I actually have to go. I have-"
"I heard," Ryo cut him off. "A delivery, right? You should have expected it. It is your birthday, after all."
"I guess you're right," Koyama agreed with a smile. "Anyway, thanks for the call, Ryo-chan. It means a lot."
"It should. It's a phone call from me, of all people," Ryo returned, a chuckle in his voice. "Have a good rest of your birthday. I'll talk to you later."
"Yeah. Later."
Once off the phone with Ryo, Koyama rolled out from underneath his futon and quickly threw on the nearest pair of jeans lying on the floor and pulled his Meiji sweatshirt off the back of his desk chair and over his head. Barefoot, he ran out the bedroom door and down the stairs to the main entrance to the house, where the door was still ajar and the delivery man was still waiting. "I'm Koyama Keiichiro," he announced, yawning a bit as he made an effort to look presentable by combing out his bed head with his fingers. "You have a package for me?"
The delivery man nodded. "I'm sorry about the trouble, but the special delivery instructions say not to give it to anyone aside from you, so I couldn't give it to your mother earlier."
"That's okay," Koyama brushed it off. "Who is it from?"
The delivery man bent down to pick up the box he had placed on the ground next him, and it was then that Koyama caught his first glance at what was being delivered for him. It was a blindingly white Styrofoam box as big as a medium-sized picnic cooler. There was a plain, unlabeled envelope taped to the top of it.
Taking the box out of the other's hands, Koyama set it aside within the entryway and returned to find the delivery man examining the waybill with a somewhat confused face. "All it says is that it's from a T.Y."
As the waybill passed into his hands for signing, Koyama looked over the sender's information and indeed, the name of the sender was simply, "T.Y." However, once he took a closer look at the address and phone number, Koyama was able to deduce that the delivery was in fact YamaPi's handiwork. As for what was in the box, he had no idea.
Signing the waybill and sending the delivery man on his way, Koyama shut the front door behind himself and padded over to the mysterious white box, squatting before it. "What did you send me…?" the birthday boy muttered to himself, pulling the envelope off the box. Opening it and unfolding the letter inside, he read the contents of the short message to himself. "'Koyama, think of this as returning favor from my birthday. I hope you like it. I had to get up at a ridiculous hour to get to Tsukiji for it! Happy birthday. YamaPi.'"
His curiosity definitely piqued by YamaPi's letter, Koyama proceeded to open the Styrofoam box to find his nose instantly assaulted with the smell of fish. Except what was inside the box was not a fish, but a rather large lobster set on ice. "Oh, the Hokkaido lobster!" Koyama cried out in realization, remembering that he had given YamaPi a huge lobster for his birthday in Sapporo last month.
As the lobster clicked into place, the idol noted another item amongst the ice in the tub. A large glass bottle of what looked to be coffee milk.
Koyama grabbed the letter he had set aside and spotted the additional note at the bottom of the page. "'Enjoy the coffee milk. You know, since you couldn't last time. Just don't drink it with the lobster, okay?'"
Koyama chuckled quietly to himself, staring at the strange pairing of a lobster and coffee milk on ice.
"Mom! Do you know how to make lobster?"
*~*~*
Somewhere on the other side of a bustling Tokyo, YamaPi traced and retraced the edges of his cell phone in his pants' pocket as he posed for more pictures for more photo shoots to accompany more interviews, all for Kurosagi. Nothing he was not already used to.
Except it was May now. He was not a part of a group. This was all him, all solo.
That part was a bit different, but he supposed he would get used to it. He would have to. If only to get back to that group that he had been forced to leave behind. After all, that was what he had said to his friends-idols and staff members alike-last night, right? Grow, learn, become a better idol, become a better person.
"Okay! Five minutes!"
As his stylist for this shoot rushed up to him, putting his long bangs back into place and double-checking his make-up for any touch-ups, YamaPi's suddenly felt his cell phone vibrate against his hand. He whipped it out, checking his inbox and finding a new message from Koyama.
"What did you end up doing with your lobster anyway? Did you eat it? Anyway, thanks. I'll make sure to keep the lobster and coffee milk as far apart possible. (^_^)"
"Ooh! A message from your girlfriend?" The way the stylist posed the question, he knew that she was not expecting a real answer or any answer at all. He was an idol after all, and a Johnny's idol at that.
Yet, YamaPi surprised her with a genuine answer, shutting his cell phone with a smile. "A close friend."
*~*~*
part three vocabulary
sentou = public bathing house
continue-->
author: nihongofrancais
genre: RPS, NEWS
pairing: Koyama/YamaPi
rating: overall PG-13
words: just under 39,000 words
disclaimer: the boys believe they own themselves; really Johnny owns 'em all. *snicker*
summary: Often, we find we don't realize what we have until it's gone. YamaPi struggles to cope in the aftermath of the announcement of NEWS's hiatus.
author's note: a labor of love in the name of my OTP KoyamaPi, originally inspired by YamaPi's February 2007 appearance on Shounen Club Premium and written over the span of one year from March 2007 through March 2008. Thanks to anamuan for betaing the majority of this monster and tinyangl, 4_03_am and jadedfrenzy for being my test readers. There is love for each and every one of you. ♥
part zero | part one | part two | part three | part four | coda |
date: 11/04/06 23:23
to: Ryo-chan , Akanishi Jin
from: YamaPi
We haven't gone out in forever.
Clearly, this must be fixed.
Dinner and drinks, anyone?
(particularly you, Jin, seeing as I haven't
SEEN you in how long?)
*~*~*
Their schedules never really aligned, so it was something of a miracle when a mere week and half later, YamaPi, Ryo, and Jin found themselves gathered around a small table in a relatively high-quality yakiniku restaurant, slabs of karubi, mino, and harami going on the gas grill and their glasses topped off with nama beer.
Jin took a long swig from his beer glass, nearly finishing off the contents in one go. "Beer after work is the best," he sighed happily, leaning forward to poke at a piece of harami closest to him with a disposable chopstick.
"You're such a kid," Ryo teased, picking up Jin's near-empty glass and properly refilling it from the large bottle of beer sitting at the end of the table.
"I've been working non-stop since we debuted," Jin retorted, glancing at Ryo out of the corner of his eye as he continued to "nurture" the single piece of harami until it was grilled to his satisfaction. "I think I have the right to enjoy a good glass of beer after work with the way we've been slaving away."
"Are you actually complaining about being debuted finally?" Ryo arched his eyebrow at his best friend and table-mate. He noticed two pieces of karubi that looked ready in front of him and snagged them, placing them on his plate. "Are you the same Jin who marched into Johnny-san's office, demanding to know why NEWS debuted before KAT-TUN?"
Jin playfully stuck his tongue out at Ryo, withdrawing it only to take in a mouthful of his perfectly grilled harami. "I'm not complaining so much as I'm requesting time to, I dunno, maybe breathe? Just a little bit?"
"Your group is the jimusho's embodiment of sex." Ryo took a short swig of his beer after swallowing his harami. "Sex is hard work."
"I missed you guys."
Ryo and Jin simultaneously looked at YamaPi, who was smiling in a somewhat lovesick manner as he pushed his slices of mino and harami around on the grill to make room for a few pieces of pork.
"Pi, we work together," Ryo reminded as YamaPi stuck some mino into his mouth. "I see you more than I see my own family."
YamaPi waved his hand. "No, no." His tongue worked around the meat still in his mouth. "I mean, as a unit."
Jin gnawed at the end of one of his chopsticks, while the other covertly worked to get a slab of YamaPi's pork over to his side of the grill. "Pi, Ryo and I were never a unit."
"Not an idol unit," he clarified, thwarting Jin's attempt to steal his food by snatching up that piece of pork and popping it into his mouth. "I mean, this." YamaPi set his chopsticks across his empty plate and gestured with his hands at the table in general. "You two. The three of us. Eating. Talking. Being normal people."
"Well, we aren't aliens."
Ryo cast Jin a sideways glance. "Are you sure about yourself?"
YamaPi simply chuckled, shaking his head. "Oh, I really missed this," he sighed once more in contentment, leaning back into his chair, eyes sliding shut as he sipped his beer.
"Pi, are you okay?"
YamaPi opened one eye to see Ryo trying to fill his empty glass himself and quickly pounced, tugging the beer bottle from Ryo and helping him fill his glass up again. As YamaPi carefully leaned over the grill at the center of the table, Jin got in close and prodded once more. "Pi?"
"Been busy," YamaPi succinctly replied, sitting back down across from his best friends. "Drama here. Solo work there. Concert way over there. The normal rigors of idol-hood."
"Liar." Ryo rarely called YamaPi names, but when he did, he really meant them. "You've been acting weird for a while. And it's not just me who's noticed, you know."
"There's nothing wrong with me," YamaPi insisted, shoving two pieces of karubi into his mouth straight off the grill and then mumbling a curse as they burned the roof of his mouth.
"That was kind of weird," Jin pointed out, as if trying to be helpful and supply Ryo with more ammunition.
"Koyama was worried about you, before your birthday. Said that you seemed really stressed out." YamaPi's eyes widened slightly at the mention of Koyama. The same Koyama he had not really spoken with since their final conversation in his dressing room a week and a half ago. Sure, there were light conversations on tour between shows with the entire group, but they-the two of them-had not had a real conversation. Were their schedules to blame or was it the awkwardness over their disagreement of sorts? YamaPi wanted to believe it was the former, but he was sure it was more than likely the latter.
YamaPi had thought about emailing Koyama, explaining himself fully in writing-allowing him time to rationally present his reasoning-rather than struggling to vocalize the words, clumsily expressing (or not expressing) his thoughts. However, as he played with the idea of doing so, days passed and eventually he decided against it. He was not even sure if he would be able to explain it. It was just what he was-NEWS's leader-and being that came with responsibilities. He was supposed to take care of the group, the group was not supposed to coddle him.
"I think it's a plague, this weirdness," Ryo continued, adding a little oil to the grill before putting some shittake down on it. "Because suddenly Koyama's started being weird too."
"Koyama?" Jin echoed, not quite making the connection since he was a part of another group and not privy to the backstage dynamics of NEWS.
"Weird how?" YamaPi questioned, knowing and yet wanting to hear what Ryo had to say. He took a hard swig from his glass of beer, and Jin reached for the bottle to fill him up once more.
Ryo met YamaPi's gaze across the hot grill and held it. "You two together are weird. You know, as a unit."
Shocked, Jin quickly looked from YamaPi to Ryo and then back to YamaPi. "WAIT A MINUTE. You're dating Koyama, Pi?! But I thought you were interested in that one girl in your Global Marketing class from last semester!"
Both NEWS members fought the urge to bang their heads on the table right there and then. "I think you were right, Jin. You need a break. A LONG break." Ryo picked up a fat piece of karubi off the grill and offered it to Jin, who happily lifted his plate up to accept it.
"You are SO LUCKY that it's midnight on a Monday night and no one else in here is exactly sober right now," YamaPi hissed in a low voice over the cooking meat as he glanced toward the front of the restaurant where a table full of businessmen a bit beyond tipsy were laughing raucously over something that was probably not very funny. "No, I'm NOT dating Koyama. And it turned out that girl was just a rich, brainless princess, so I dropped her awhile back."
Jin regarded YamaPi carefully, chewing his karubi thoroughly before swallowing. "Then why is Ryo calling you and Koyama a unit?"
Riding on the wave of stupidity that Jin had ushered in or perhaps just overly comfortable in this mundane setting with two of his best friends, YamaPi found his inhibitions falling away and he ended up doing the last thing he had really wanted to.
Confessing.
The fear of losing NEWS and what meaning he had found in being NEWS, losing himself to his idol image, just constantly losing. Then, explaining Koyama. How despite all common sense telling him otherwise, YamaPi had come to inadvertently rely on his fellow band-mate as a sounding board; someone who listened to his worries and offered him encouragement. How Koyama and him had silently "agreed to disagree" on the way YamaPi was handling the entire situation. How now they were weird as 'a unit'.
"…but Ryo is in NEWS too," Jin highlighted as YamaPi finished telling his side of the story. "Doesn't that defeat the point of keeping this all bottled up?"
"Ryo's an exception," YamaPi easily reasoned away, picking at the remaining shittake and pork on the now cooling grill. "He has two groups to think about and keep him busy. He doesn't need me to assure him everything will be alright."
"Thank you for thinking so highly of me," Ryo accepted scoffingly. He was well aware that YamaPi was just saying that because he had spilled the beans. In the end, Pi felt the need to be NEWS's martyr and keeping Ryo in the dark had been a part of that need until just a few minutes ago.
"You should've called Toma; Toma's always good with this kind of stuff." Jin continued to instruct YamaPi on the way he should have handled the situation while eyeing the nearly empty beer bottle before him. "Do you think we should ask for another beer?"
"That doesn't do me any good now; besides, I didn't come out drinking with you two with the aim of telling this all to you," YamaPi retorted. "And we don't need another one. Don't you have work of some kind tomorrow morning?"
"Your point?"
Ryo grabbed for the bottle and emptied the remaining beer into his own glass before Jin got any ideas. "If you show up to work hung over, Kame's going to bitch you out and then indirectly blame us for letting you get drunk. We don't need that kind of drama right now; your group really just needs to keep the sex and drama to itself."
"We're not just about sex and drama, Ryo-chan."
"No, KAT-TUN's all about plastic surgery too." YamaPi recalled the debut posters and billboards of KAT-TUN (most of them gone, a few still remaining) in Shibuya that he and Koyama had made fun of over lunch and snickered.
"PI!!!"
Ryo pinched Jin's arm just hard enough to get the other's attention. "Would you just stop screaming and shut up, Jin?" YamaPi's band-mate then turned to him. "Look, Pi. You and Koyama need to stop being weird more than anything else. If you want to keep your feelings about the hiatus to yourself and not let the rest of the group in, that's your business and I get it. That's just who you are. But the fact that there is some huge, invisible elephant sitting between you and Koyama is getting pretty obvious; I know I'm not the only one who's noticed."
"I think your worries are totally understandable given everything, but at the same time, I think that NEWS will be alright in the end; NEWS is still as popular as ever and Johnny-san's no idiot," Jin offered, setting his chin on top of his clasped hands. "And even if everything should go to shit, there's always room in KAT-TUN. We could be KAT-TUNY!"
YamaPi and Ryo gave Jin pointed looks.
~*~*~
date: 26/04/06 10:47
to: Shige
from: Koyama Keiichiro
I'm free all afternoon until Shounen Club
recording this evening.
Wanna meet up at the usual café
between classes?
~*~*~
"So, are you excited?"
Koyama smiled politely at the waitress who placed his portobello and mozzarella panini sandwich on the table before him and when she walked away, returned his attention to Shige across from him. "Excited? About what?"
Shige furrowed his eyebrows at Koyama, giving him an incredulous look. "About being the main MC for Shounen Club. But clearly, you're not all that excited."
"I am excited! It's exciting and nostalgic all at the same time. Working with all the juniors is like a walk down memory lane." Koyama insisted, now that he knew the topic of conversation. "Besides, for all I knew, you could have been talking about my birthday."
"I'm not getting you anything," Shige relayed straight-faced as he gently dropped two sugar cubes into the black, caffeinated depths of his coffee.
"I know. I know," Koyama waved off, knowing that in the end, his best friend would be the first one to email him a minute past midnight and that the biggest present would be from him. "You don't want to make a big deal out of it…"
A silence fell over the two, allowing Koyama to take a huge bite out of his sandwich (he had not eaten lunch yet) and Shige to take to stirring the sugar evenly into his coffee. Silences were not uncommon between the two and most certainly not uncomfortable. If anything, it was a sign that one already knew what the other was thinking.
Except maybe not today.
"Did you get a new girlfriend?"
Koyama nearly choked on the bite making its way down his throat and quickly reached for his glass of water, washing it down. "What?!"
Shige eyed Koyama critically, setting his small stirring spoon face down on the rim of his saucer. "Are you going out with someone and trying to hide it from me?
"What makes you think that?!" Koyama's small eyes were quite wide, staring at Shige.
"I can sense you holding something back," Shige returned, his voice definite and decided. He took a short sip from his coffee cup, wrapping his hands around the outside, taking in the warmth. "And it's something big. I know it."
"You know, you have terrible investigative abilities for a law student."
"Wait. So you admit to it?!" Shige set his cup down and leaned forward, bridging the distance across the small table between Koyama and him. "You're dating someone new?!"
"I'm not dating anyone right now, you dork. Calm down," Koyama berated, pulling out a pack of Lucky Strikes and a lighter from his coat pocket and setting them flat on the table. As a waitress passed by, he called out, "Excuse me. Can I get an ashtray please?"
"If you're not dating anyone, then what is it?" Clearly, Shige's curiosity had been thoroughly piqued. "You're going to smoke now? Aren't you going to finish your panini at least?"
A moment later, the same waitress brought Koyama his requested ashtray and he kindly thanked her. "I'm going to need this stick," he waved the single cigarette at Shige before placing it between his lips and lighting it, "to get me through this story. Because it's long and complicated. Actually, it's just complicated."
As Koyama exhaled, cigarette smoke spiraling upward in the space between them, he told Shige about an old friend from prep school with whom he had recently gotten back into contact. His old friend ("What's his name?" "…Tomo-kun.") was having some trouble dealing with the changes going on his life as a third-year student. He was the lead singer in a band some of his friends had formed, but it was starting to look like they would be disbanding soon because everyone was planning to start their preparations for job hunting-attending seminars, going to workshops, essentially leaving no time for the band. None of them really wanted to disband and were holding onto the hope that perhaps after their jobs were decided-
"Kei, you suck."
The older man snapped his eyes up from where he had been staring at the salt shaker directly in front of him, concentrating on the story. Sure, at first, he had a little trouble starting at the beginning, but after that initial bump, he thought it had been pretty smooth! "Huh?"
"You suck at lying." Shige took another drink from his coffee. "Ridiculously so. Really."
Koyama frowned, taking a particularly long drag from his cigarette. "I'm not lying," he bit out.
Shige only rolled his eyes. "You can't even deny that you are lying convincingly. Besides, Tomo-kun? Being the leader of a band that's breaking up? Could you be anymore obvious, Kei?"
Not so much angry as much as disappointed in himself for thinking that he could actually pull one over on Shige, Koyama viciously stubbed his cigarette out in the ashtray. Maybe he should have just kept his mouth shut altogether. Though if he had, Shige probably would have kept digging until he managed to properly put two and two together.
However, Koyama refused to give Shige an easy victory. "About what?"
"Is it something about Yamashita-kun and the hiatus?"
"Maybe."
Shige arched an eyebrow at Koyama, who was averting his eyes and playing with the straw in his tall glass of water. "Why are you being all coy? It's kind of creepy."
"You're creepy," Koyama retorted, if only for the lack of a witty comeback. He reached into the bag slung across the back of his chair and pulled out his cell phone. Flipping it open, he pressed a few buttons before shoving it in Shige's face.
"…and this is?" Shige questioned, warily taking the cell phone. Upon closer examination, though, Shige found his question answered without a word from the other.
On the cell phone screen was a message from YamaPi, dated yesterday evening.
Shige looked up at Koyama once more, who gave him a consenting nod. "'…Koyama, we should talk about the other day. As soon as possible. Are you free to meet up in the next few days?'" He paused for a moment, shutting the cell phone and handing it back to its owner. "What happened the other day?"
"Do I really have to tell you? Can't I just act it out in hand gestures?"
"…no."
Koyama cast a forlorn glance in the direction of the mangled cigarette he had hastily extinguished minutes prior. He could have used that. He should not have done that. Sighing, he tugged a fresh cigarette from the nearly empty pack. "I said some stuff to YamaPi two weeks ago. We haven't exactly been talking since."
"Well, that explains the awkwardness in the dressing room as of late."
Koyama was just about to light the end of his second cigarette, but at Shige's comment, suddenly stopped. "Wait. You've noticed?"
"Of course." Shige gave Koyama a funny look, his finger absently running up and down the handle of his coffee cup. "Did you think that we didn't notice?"
"I dunno. I guess I'd hoped that it wasn't that obvious." Koyama sighed, letting his shoulders slump slightly. "I didn't want to ruin our last few weeks together."
"You two didn't ruin anything," Shige assured him. "It was just kind of weird watching the two of you talk to each other in the dressing room. Like there was this brick wall between the both of you and despite knowing it was there, you were talking through it like it was normal."
"Strange choice of image," Koyama remarked.
Shige shrugged. "It works."
The older man took a moment to light his cigarette and inhale, allowing the nicotine to seep into his system before speaking again. "He's having a hard time accepting the hiatus; he's scared of the idea of losing NEWS."
"Aren't we all?" Shige's voice was tinged with bitterness.
Koyama nodded sympathetically. "But this is YamaPi we are talking about. He's got his walls. He has pride. He has regrets." He tapped his cigarette lightly against the edge of the ashtray, the cinders falling away. "And on top of his worries about us as a group, he's getting thrust into his solo work and is just overwhelmed. YamaPi just wants to do what's right by the group, but he's not sure what exactly that is."
"So?" The younger man lifted his coffee cup once more, finishing it off. "What does any of this have to do with you?"
Koyama opened his mouth to offer a response, but as he started to think, found himself gently pressing his lips together in thought. What did any of this stuff have to do with him? Why him of all people? Ryo was the obvious choice. The right choice even. Though Koyama had tried his best to help YamaPi-to be the confidant he needed him to be-he had only managed to make everything weird instead.
"That's a really good question."
*~*~*
"Oh, Yamashita-kun."
"Hey, Shige." YamaPi returned the greeting, standing on the other side of Shige and Koyama's hotel door in the deserted hallway. "I was wondering if Koyama was still up."
Shige took in YamaPi's appearance-dressed casually in jeans, a jacket and a hat, sunglasses slipping gently down his nose, overnight bag hanging tiredly from over his shoulder-and deduced that NEWS's leader must have just arrived from the train station, probably without having even dropped by his own hotel room first. "Actually, he's not," Shige informed YamaPi with a slight frown. "He was doing some research for a class and fell asleep." He moved out of the doorway and motioned behind him, where YamaPi caught a glimpse of Koyama sleeping face down in an open book.
YamaPi stepped back out into the hallway, chuckling to himself. "It's okay. I was just thinking that the three of us could go over what we were planning on doing for the Kurosagi skit tomorrow, but I guess we can do that in the morning."
"I'll tell him," Shige promised, but something in the younger man's tone seemed rather telling. Like he knew something. Maybe he knew that YamaPi was lying through his teeth about wanting to talk about the skit and that, in fact, YamaPi just wanted to talk to Koyama about their falling out.
YamaPi had received the reply to the message he sent Koyama on Wednesday evening: "I guess we should talk. It is kind of awkward. When are you free?" Unfortunately, by that time, YamaPi's schedule for the rest of the week was full up with filming, meetings, and interviews and for every short window of time that he was able to spare, Koyama was busy with school or recordings for his various shows. YamaPi had even missed the last set of concert rehearsals before their final run in Sendai because of PV filming all day Saturday in Kanagawa for the "Daite Senorita" PV.
So, he had thought maybe he could get in a conversation with Koyama when he got into the hotel on Saturday night. He had not counted on the other being asleep. Not that Koyama was not allowed to sleep, but YamaPi really had wanted to talk to him before the final shows.
"Maybe in the morning…" he mumbled quietly to himself as he stepped through the curtain leading into the men's locker room of the hotel's ofuro.
He found an empty locker and quickly began stripping out of his clothing (having already dropped off his belongings in the hotel room, bringing only the essentials). Just as he was in the process of removing his jewelry-down to just his boxer-briefs-YamaPi heard the automatic door leading into the ofuro open and he glanced up to see Koyama coming out.
"Eh, Koyama?"
Koyama, who had been headed toward his own locker across the room, looked over to see YamaPi over a row of lockers. "YamaPi! I didn't think you'd be in here so quick."
"That should be my line!" YamaPi retorted playfully, tugging his earrings off and placing them into his locker. "When I came by, you were asleep!"
Koyama had gotten into his locker by then and was drying himself off with his towel. "Shige woke me up after you left. I hadn't bathed yet, so I figured that I would get into the ofuro for a little bit."
"You're always so fast," YamaPi replied, a little awed, shutting his locker and slipping the band of the locker key around his wrist.
Koyama shrugged slightly, his back to the other as he pulled on the courtesy yukata from the hotel. "I guess I'm just used to it. My sister used to stay in the ofuro forever, so I was always kind of quick about it because the water would be all lukewarm when I got to it."
With his shampoo in one hand and his wash towel in his other, YamaPi headed toward the main ofuro doors. Just as he set off the sensor and the automatic doors slid open, he called over his shoulder. "Koyama?"
Koyama turned to look at YamaPi, tying off the cotton belt on his yukata. "Yeah?"
"Do you think we could talk after I'm done? You know about…"
Koyama nodded his head in agreement, droplets of water falling from his still damp hair. "We should."
When YamaPi emerged from the ofuro a mere twenty minutes later (a record for the idol who was quite content with spending an hour or more in the ofuro normally), he found that the other two men who had been the ofuro with him and finished before him had left. However, he did spot a somewhat sleepy-looking Koyama, lounging in one of the relaxation chairs near the entrance to the locker room.
After toweling himself dry, YamaPi quickly slipped into his own yukata and joined Koyama, sitting down on a nearby footstool.
"I want to drink coffee milk."
"Then why don't you?" YamaPi sort of craved a bottle of milk as well, but they were not at a sentou so the usually ubiquitous vending machines filled with plain, coffee, and strawberry milk were nowhere to be found.
Koyama slowly sat up, pressing the back of his hand to his lips aa he tried to bite back a yawn. "It'll make me sleepier than I already am, and that's the last thing I need."
YamaPi gave a somewhat hesitant nod. He was not sure how to answer that otherwise. He was not even sure where to begin. How do you start an awkward conversation about the conversation that made everything awkward in the first place?
"Why me?"
YamaPi, who had been struggling to find the right words with which to open the conversation, once again found himself silenced by Koyama's words. "'Why me?'" he repeated, no idea what Koyama was talking about.
"Why me?" Koyama repeated once more, with more insistence. "Why not Ryo? Ryo would have been better. Or even Akanishi-kun. He's your best friend after all."
YamaPi just blinked at Koyama, who was picking non-existent lint off his fresh yukata. "Koyama, wait. What are you talking about? I don't even understand."
Koyama was quiet as he folded his legs under himself, now sitting cross-legged on the lounge chair. "Why did you tell me about this stuff? This stuff that you swore you didn't want to tell anyone. Stuff that you still won't tell anyone."
"Because I wanted to tell you," YamaPi blurted out, without even a second thought to it. He scratched the back of his head, his damp locks running through his fingers. "It's not exactly the most logical reason, I know, but aside from that, I don't even know myself. Everything just seemed to come up when you were around."
"You make me sound like the stomach flu or something. 'Oh, yeah. Every time I'm around Koyama, everything comes up and I can't keep it down!'"
YamaPi shook his head at Koyama's retort, chuckling. "I never said that. You did."
Koyama pouted to himself, staring down at his hands that he had unconsciously wrapped around his ankles. "If you had told Ryo instead, he would've understood."
"Maybe." YamaPi's thoughts momentarily drifted back to the dinner he had with Ryo and Jin. Ryo had been very understanding, but, if anything, that had been due to the fact that they both were so alike in how they tried to approach their work-they had grown up as idols together after all. It helped that before YamaPi had told Ryo, he had confided in Koyama first. YamaPi could not imagine telling Ryo how he felt a month ago, when he had not yet understood it that well himself. In talking with Koyama, he found himself being able to make sense of everything as he opened up and stopped suppressing what he felt. "And maybe not.
"You know, we might not agree on everything, but I feel like I can count on the fact that you are looking out for me. And really, I probably appreciate that more than if you understand me or not."
"Someone has to look out for you," Koyama remarked, finally looking up from his hands to meet YamaPi's gaze. "You're always looking out for everyone except yourself."
"It comes from too many hard-boiled years as an idol, I guess," YamaPi returned, a soft grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Being aware of everything I do and how I impact others, it's like this strange form of self-preservation."
"That doesn't always work," Koyama pointed out with the slightest arch of his brow.
"That doesn't always work," YamaPi admitted, parroting the Koyama's words with a sheepish duck of his head
And that's why you're around, Koyama.
*~*~*
"Who ate the last piece of gyutan?"
"…"
"KOYAMA!"
"Catering gave it to me! It's mine!"
"You could at least share with me! It's not every day we get to eat Sendai gyutan!"
Ryo appeared behind Shige, snagging the bottle of leave-in conditioner sitting on the other's make-up vanity and applying it to his own hair. Shige, who had been running the straight iron through his bangs to make them more manageable, met Ryo's eyes in the large mirror for a moment before spotting Koyama and YamaPi's reflected images battling for the infamous last piece of gyutan on the other side of the dressing room.
"At least that's back to normal," Ryo casually commented, parting his bangs evenly with his fingers.
"I'm starting to think I may have liked them better before, when they were weird and awkward," Shige sighed, giving the pair one last glance just as Koyama finally relinquished the piece of beef to YamaPi before returning his attention to his hair.
*~*~*
"Thank you all for coming! Before I say anything else, otsukaresama deshita!"
The entire catering room full of people-concert staff members, managers, and friends alike-returned YamaPi's enthusiastic greeting, a chorus of "otsukaresama deshita!" in varied voices. YamaPi, a head above everyone else, standing on his chair, smiled at the warmth of the simple words and continued on.
"Four months have passed all too fast, haven't they? From when we began planning this tour from scratch through all the work bringing it together and polishing it to the finished product, the final concert-and now it's all over. I can hardly believe it. And it's all thanks to your constant efforts. On behalf of all of NEWS, I want to say that we are all so thankful and grateful to have worked with all of you."
As a slow, but swelling applause overwhelmed the room once more, YamaPi looked around, meeting the eyes of Ishida-san, of Kawano-san, and eventually settling for a short moment on Koyama, who was holding the back of his chair steady to make sure the idol did not fall and break his head.
"As it is with every new experience, we've all learned so much and grown so much. And now, the six of us will be doing that on our own for a little while." NEWS's leader paused, glancing at the other members who were standing right at the front of the gathering. "Starting tomorrow, we'll be on hiatus as NEWS, but that doesn't mean we'll be gone forever. I think I can speak for all six of us when I say, none of us are willing to let go of NEWS that easily. There is still so much we have to learn from one another-there is still so much we have to learn about being a group.
"This hiatus isn't really a hiatus. After all, none of us are going on vacation, even if we'd certainly like to." YamaPi's lips turned upwards in a small grin and scattered laughter came from various parts of the crowd. "Instead of taking a vacation, we're going to work hard individually, so that when we do come back as NEWS we can say that NEWS hasn't lost anything over hiatus, but gained. And when we do come back, I hope that each and every one of you will be here, still supporting us."
YamaPi finished to loud applause-in their hopeful smiles, YamaPi could read the faith everyone was putting in his words, their belief that they would have the chance to work with NEWS once more. Before, it might have been an act, the comforting lies of a leader uttered to abate everyone else's fears. However, tonight, for the first time, YamaPi thought he might believe his own words as well.
He jumped down from the chair and found himself next to Koyama, who tucked the chair underneath a nearby table. "Nice speech," Koyama complimented him with a soft grin.
A grin of his own tugged at the corners of YamaPi's mouth. Somehow, hearing that from Koyama meant more than it would have coming from anyone else. "I thought so. Maybe there's hope that I'm not a complete failure when it comes to expressing myself."
"Yeah, maybe."
*~*~*
May 2006
date: 01/05/06 00:01
to: Koyama Keiichiro
from: Shige
Kei-chan,
Happy birthday! You're 22! That's old! :P
Seriously though, as a friend who has been
with me through thick and thin,
I hope that you can achieve everything
that you want this year, your 22nd.
A lot of things are happening this year
and I know you have a lot of worries about them
(because I have them too!), but I'm sure
that together we'll be fine. Nothing can
can stop KoyaShige! :)
Thanks for being my friend, Kei-chan.
I can't imagine having come all this way
without you.
*~*~*
date: 01/05/06 00:12
to: Koyama Keiichiro
from: Tegonyan
Kei-chan!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
I hope I was the first one to message you,
but I wasn't, was I? Shige was, right? ;)
Anyway, I hope you have a great birthday
enjoying your new life at 22.
Call me sometime so we can go shopping
and I can give you your present! (^ ^)
*~*~*
date: 01/05/6 8:40
to: Koyama Keiichiro
from: Massu
Koyama-kun, happy birthday!! y(^ー^)y
You're probably still sleeping,
but I figured it'd be better to get this
to you as early as possible.
I hope you have a great birthday
worth remembering ten years down the road
with fondness and laughter!
*~*~*
Koyama lazily stretched an arm, eventually resting his wrist against his forehead as he read through the slew of birthday emails that he had gotten before noon. His mailbox was already halfway full. He pondered how many more hours would it take before his mailbox was completely full and started bouncing messages back. The idea alone made him sort of giddy-he was loved.
Just as he was getting around to reading a message from one of his Meiji senpai, his phone started vibrating and "Nishikido Ryo" flashed on the screen, accompanied by his cell phone number. "Hello?"
"Happy birthday."
Koyama chuckled at how monotone Ryo's voice was. "The way you say it, I shouldn't be happy to have been born at all."
"You could just say, 'Thank you, Ryo,' you know." Koyama imagined his sharp-tongued band-mate rolling his eyes on the other end of the line. "If I wasn't in the car headed for shooting at Haneda with time to kill, I wouldn't have bothered to call at all."
Why were Shige and Ryo always alike in that respect? Never actually being truly sincere, always masking their true feelings, no matter how thin the mask. Not that Koyama had any problems with that. It was what made the two of them who they were, and Koyama would not have them any other way. "I know, I know," he acknowledged with a small smile, letting one of his legs peek out from underneath his futon as he absently stared at the bare ceiling above him. "Thank you for calling, Ryo-chan."
Ryo simply grunted and Koyama understood. "Any plans for your birthday?"
"Sleeping all day long."
"God, you are so boring, Koyama."
Koyama grinned widely at Ryo's exasperated voice. "You're just jealous because I can sleep as long as I want and you are totally full-up with work."
"Jealous? Why would I be jealous of you, O Single-Eyelid Wonder?"
Koyama stuck his tongue out, despite the fact that Ryo could not see it over the phone. "I am going out later tonight with Shige and some of our friends for dinner, but other than that, my twenty-second birthday is shaping up to be a low-key one. Not that I mind. It's just the way I like it."
Ryo said something in return, but Koyama failed to hear it because at the same time, a rapping came at Koyama's door. "Kei, there's a delivery at the door for you!" his mother's voice called out.
"Ryo, can you hold on for a second?" Koyama quickly sat up in his futon, lowering his cell phone before Ryo could even reply. "Who is it from?"
"I don't know. The delivery man insisted on handing it to you directly; he wouldn't let me take it!"
Koyama's brow furrowed. That was kind of strange. "Okay. I'll be down to get it in a minute!" He lifted his cell phone to his ear again to continue his conversation with Ryo. "Sorry about that; I actually have to go. I have-"
"I heard," Ryo cut him off. "A delivery, right? You should have expected it. It is your birthday, after all."
"I guess you're right," Koyama agreed with a smile. "Anyway, thanks for the call, Ryo-chan. It means a lot."
"It should. It's a phone call from me, of all people," Ryo returned, a chuckle in his voice. "Have a good rest of your birthday. I'll talk to you later."
"Yeah. Later."
Once off the phone with Ryo, Koyama rolled out from underneath his futon and quickly threw on the nearest pair of jeans lying on the floor and pulled his Meiji sweatshirt off the back of his desk chair and over his head. Barefoot, he ran out the bedroom door and down the stairs to the main entrance to the house, where the door was still ajar and the delivery man was still waiting. "I'm Koyama Keiichiro," he announced, yawning a bit as he made an effort to look presentable by combing out his bed head with his fingers. "You have a package for me?"
The delivery man nodded. "I'm sorry about the trouble, but the special delivery instructions say not to give it to anyone aside from you, so I couldn't give it to your mother earlier."
"That's okay," Koyama brushed it off. "Who is it from?"
The delivery man bent down to pick up the box he had placed on the ground next him, and it was then that Koyama caught his first glance at what was being delivered for him. It was a blindingly white Styrofoam box as big as a medium-sized picnic cooler. There was a plain, unlabeled envelope taped to the top of it.
Taking the box out of the other's hands, Koyama set it aside within the entryway and returned to find the delivery man examining the waybill with a somewhat confused face. "All it says is that it's from a T.Y."
As the waybill passed into his hands for signing, Koyama looked over the sender's information and indeed, the name of the sender was simply, "T.Y." However, once he took a closer look at the address and phone number, Koyama was able to deduce that the delivery was in fact YamaPi's handiwork. As for what was in the box, he had no idea.
Signing the waybill and sending the delivery man on his way, Koyama shut the front door behind himself and padded over to the mysterious white box, squatting before it. "What did you send me…?" the birthday boy muttered to himself, pulling the envelope off the box. Opening it and unfolding the letter inside, he read the contents of the short message to himself. "'Koyama, think of this as returning favor from my birthday. I hope you like it. I had to get up at a ridiculous hour to get to Tsukiji for it! Happy birthday. YamaPi.'"
His curiosity definitely piqued by YamaPi's letter, Koyama proceeded to open the Styrofoam box to find his nose instantly assaulted with the smell of fish. Except what was inside the box was not a fish, but a rather large lobster set on ice. "Oh, the Hokkaido lobster!" Koyama cried out in realization, remembering that he had given YamaPi a huge lobster for his birthday in Sapporo last month.
As the lobster clicked into place, the idol noted another item amongst the ice in the tub. A large glass bottle of what looked to be coffee milk.
Koyama grabbed the letter he had set aside and spotted the additional note at the bottom of the page. "'Enjoy the coffee milk. You know, since you couldn't last time. Just don't drink it with the lobster, okay?'"
Koyama chuckled quietly to himself, staring at the strange pairing of a lobster and coffee milk on ice.
"Mom! Do you know how to make lobster?"
*~*~*
Somewhere on the other side of a bustling Tokyo, YamaPi traced and retraced the edges of his cell phone in his pants' pocket as he posed for more pictures for more photo shoots to accompany more interviews, all for Kurosagi. Nothing he was not already used to.
Except it was May now. He was not a part of a group. This was all him, all solo.
That part was a bit different, but he supposed he would get used to it. He would have to. If only to get back to that group that he had been forced to leave behind. After all, that was what he had said to his friends-idols and staff members alike-last night, right? Grow, learn, become a better idol, become a better person.
"Okay! Five minutes!"
As his stylist for this shoot rushed up to him, putting his long bangs back into place and double-checking his make-up for any touch-ups, YamaPi's suddenly felt his cell phone vibrate against his hand. He whipped it out, checking his inbox and finding a new message from Koyama.
"What did you end up doing with your lobster anyway? Did you eat it? Anyway, thanks. I'll make sure to keep the lobster and coffee milk as far apart possible. (^_^)"
"Ooh! A message from your girlfriend?" The way the stylist posed the question, he knew that she was not expecting a real answer or any answer at all. He was an idol after all, and a Johnny's idol at that.
Yet, YamaPi surprised her with a genuine answer, shutting his cell phone with a smile. "A close friend."
*~*~*
part three vocabulary
sentou = public bathing house
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