What Has Always Been There, Part Two
title: What Has Always Been There
author: nihongofrancais
genre: RPS, NEWS
pairing: Koyama/YamaPi
rating: overall PG-13
words: just under 39,000 words
disclaimer: the boys believe they own themselves; really Johnny owns 'em all. *snicker*
summary: Often, we find we don't realize what we have until it's gone. YamaPi struggles to cope in the aftermath of the announcement of NEWS's hiatus.
author's note: a labor of love in the name of my OTP KoyamaPi, originally inspired by YamaPi's February 2007 appearance on Shounen Club Premium and written over the span of one year from March 2007 through March 2008. Thanks to anamuan for betaing the majority of this monster and tinyangl, 4_03_am and jadedfrenzy for being my test readers. There is love for each and every one of you. ♥
part zero | part one | part two | part three | part four | coda |
"It looks good on you."
"Really?" As the stylist finished touching up his newly dyed hair for the next shot, Koyama gingerly fingered his foreign black bangs. "I don't know. My hair hasn't been black since I was sixteen. It's kind of weird."
YamaPi leaned against the chain fence that surrounded the periphery of the school rooftop where they were for Kurosagi location shooting The chill Monday morning shoot was the first of the week, as well as the first scene that Koyama and YamaPI were acting in together. Three days ago, YamaPi probably would have dreaded shooting with Koyama on some level, but since their intimate conversation in the ofuro-the most mundane of places-the awkwardness had been replaced with a kind of ease YamaPi was somewhat unaccustomed to. Different as it was, YamaPi found that he welcomed the change.
"I haven't been black since I was like eleven," he returned, blowing his black bangs from his eyes with a puff from his lips. "Ever since I could, I've always had it dyed. Surprisingly though, I realized that I kind of liked my hair black after I dyed it for Kurosagi. The fans seem to really like it too."
Koyama buried his bare hands into the pockets of the thick parka that had been given to him by the staff to stave off the morning cold. "It's kind of manly," he commented after taking a moment to really look at YamaPi with his black hair. "Not that you weren't manly before, but it's like you're more so now."
"So I was just less before?"
"I didn't say that!"
The both chuckled when some of the staff, who were working on preparing the crane for the overhead shots in the scene, looked at them after Koyama's loud protest. Koyama made a quick, apologetic motion-one of his hands held perpendicular to his face while bowing his head a little in embarrassment-before joining YamaPi against the chain fence.
Watching the crane ascend above them as the staff ran a final check on the equipment, YamaPi waved at the camera filming them, flashing a cheeky grin. As soon as the camera passed over them, the smile fell away, revealing a more thoughtful expression. "What're you doing after this?"
"Me?" Koyama had been hamming it up for the camera too-giving the trademark N's Aoi "bwui bwui" peace sign-and was caught a little off-guard.
"Yeah. I was thinking about grabbing lunch before meeting up with my manager. Do you want to come?"
Koyama mentally double-checked his schedule for the day to make sure he was free, and then nodded. "Sure. I don't have to be at the main office until four, so I have some time. Where were you thinking about going?"
*~*~*
A recommendation from Toma, the restaurant was just off Shibuya's Center Avenue. It was a hole-in-the-wall kind of place (had YamaPi not pointed it out, Koyama would have walked right past it toward the shiny HMV displays), but once they descended the stairs to enter through the basement entrance, they were greeted by a warm and homey Indian restaurant. They felt like they had been transported to an entirely different world with the quiet strains of classical Indian music in the background and the ornate paintings lining the walls of the restaurant in stark contrast to the loud and often gaudy Shibuya that was just on the other side of the wooden front door.
Seated in the back corner of the nearly empty restaurant-filming had ended early, so they arrived earlier than the normal lunchtime crowd-the two leisurely ordered lunch. Koyama did not mind Indian food every now and then and enjoyed the fluffiness of a fresh-out-of-the-oven piece of naan, so he settled on the familiar chicken curry. On the other hand, YamaPi-a food connoisseur at heart-went with his favorite chicken tikka with a side of dal.
Over their tasty lunches, Koyama and YamaPi continued a light conversational banter-whether or not the banners covering all of Shibuya sort of kind of made KAT-TUN look like aliens amongst their topics of choice-while the cozy dining area filled and then emptied; two hours passed like nothing at all. As they finished off their meal with some cardamom-flavored chai, YamaPi nonchalantly mentioned, "Actually, after this I have some recording to finish up."
Elbows propped up on the table, Koyama peered at his band-mate from over the rim of his raised mug of chai. "Oh? Narration for Kurosagi?"
"Laying down the final vocals for 'Daite Senorita'."
"Can I come?"
"If you want."
YamaPi's manager-Kawano-san-had been quite surprised to see Koyama walk through the doors of the recording studio on YamaPi's heels, but did not protest his presence. In fact, Kawano-san thought Koyama's presence would do a great deal of good.
"Yamashita-kun's been having some trouble; I think he's just nervous about going solo. Having someone familiar like you around, Koyama-kun, might help him loosen up."
At first, Koyama did not really believe Kawano-san when he said that YamaPi was "having some trouble". While he was not the best singer live, YamaPi usually was focused and consistent in the studio-much better than Koyama was, at least. However, after spending an hour or so sitting in the back of the control room watching YamaPi struggle to nail the final recording, he came to understand what Kawano-san meant. YamaPi's voice was uneven, he unable to find the right pitch and there were even times when he stumbled over the basic melody.
After YamaPi fell flat on the final "jiretai yo" of the second chorus once again, the producer-who really should have been angrier with YamaPi's inability to perform-turned on the microphone that fed into the main studio. "Yamashita-san, we want to give what we have so far a listen, so why don't you take twenty minutes, alright?"
"Alright."
When the idol pushed through the soundproof door into the control room, he already had his sunglasses on and was loosely hanging on to a pack of cigarettes. "I'll be outside," he informed Kawano-san, turning toward to where his manager, the producer and sound engineer were conversing intensely.
Kawano-san gave a quick, "Sure," in reply before returning to his discussion.
As YamaPi stepped out into the hall, Koyama continued to awkwardly sit on the leather couch in the back of the control room. If he followed YamaPi outside, would the other idol welcome his company? After all, he had just witnessed the NEWS leader at what probably could be called his worst. The last thing he would want to do was to talk to Koyama. At the same time though, Koyama really did not want to stay in the control room either, inadvertently eavesdropping on the discussion of how YamaPi's less than stellar vocals could be ripped apart and manipulated to sound sellable.
In the end, recalling Kawano-san's words-"I think he's just nervous about going solo."-Koyama took his leave from the studio. Walking down to the end of the hall, he found YamaPi sitting alone in the smoking lounge, uninterestedly twirling one of his favorite Marlboros between his index and middle fingers.
"Aren't you going to light it?" Koyama asked from his place just in front of the doorway.
"I forgot my lighter in the studio."
Koyama quickly patted his pockets to see if he had his on him, only to discover that he did not. "I left mine in my bag, but I can go back and get it-"
YamaPi smiled slightly, turning to glance at Koyama, who was ready to dash back to the studio. "It's okay. I can make do." Sitting up slightly, he reached into the back pocket of his jeans. "I picked up some matches at that restaurant." He waved the book gently in Koyama's direction.
"You should have said that in the first place!" Koyama mentally smacked himself for being so eager, like some innocent puppy wanting to please his master. YamaPi was not his master and he was no puppy, but Koyama could not help but want to make the other feel at ease, even if it was just getting him a lighter when he needed one.
"I bet you're thinking, 'Why did you invite me to hear you suck?'"
"…what?" Koyama was taken slightly aback by YamaPi's sudden, self-degrading words.
"…sorry, it's my inner Ryo-chan."
Koyama drew closer, so now that he was leaning against the wall next to the long sofa YamaPi was sitting on the other side of. "You have an 'inner Ryo-chan'?" he repeated, not quite sure what to make of YamaPi's admission.
The twirling ceased and the cigarette fell from his fingertips onto the couch cushions. However, before it could attempt its suicide jump, diving into the dark crevices between the cushions, YamaPi snatched it up again. "Yeah." He turned to look up at Koyama who towered over him slightly. "He's kind of like an inner ear infection, except sometimes he hurts a lot more. The brutal honesty usually manages to keep me focused."
"What about today?"
YamaPi took a beat, ripping a match out of the new book and taking it to his cigarette, lighting it. "Not so much."
The two of them exchanged a chuckle over YamaPi's somewhat understated answer and Koyama slid down to join his fellow idol on the couch. "I don't know if I could take having an inner Ryo; my positivity would definitely take a hit, I think."
"I don't think Ryo-chan would want an inner Koyama either," YamaPi returned with a grin, slipping his now lit cigarette between his lips and taking a deep drag. "Can you imagine him saying 'Let's do our best!' on a daily basis?"
"It would be weird." Koyama nodded his head thoughtfully in agreement, and then suddenly stopped when he realized something. "Wait. Is it weird that I say it on a daily basis?"
YamaPi quickly shook his head. "No, that's completely you, Koyama. Member love, right?" He offered the cigarette to the other with a simple motion of his hand.
"Member love." Koyama echoed with a soft smile, accepting the cigarette and placing it between his lips.
Their conversation fell into a lull and YamaPi rose from his seat, crossing the short width of the lounge to lean against the sill of the large window and peer out across the Tokyo skyline beyond Shibuya. "I can't stop thinking that this is the first step toward the beginning of the end." He quickly turned around to face Koyama, leaning against the pillar that divided the large window into two. "That once this single is recorded and then released, there'll be no going back to NEWS."
Koyama watched quietly as the troubled idol pushed his large-rimmed sunglasses up so that they now were perched on the crown of his head. It was then that he was able to glimpse the confusion brimming in YamaPi's dark eyes-eyes that had been full of conviction during filming just a few hours earlier. That had been the idol YamaPi. This was the real Yamashita Tomohisa.
Inhaling the sweet, comforting nicotine one last time, he stubbed YamaPi's cigarette out in the ashtray on the coffee table. Koyama rose from his seat, took a few steps forward, and then stopped, folding his arms tightly across his chest. "Don't be so full of yourself." Koyama spat the words loudly at the confused man across the room, his already small eyes narrowing further and darkening. "Do you actually think you'd be where you are now without NEWS? There's no way you'd sell on your own, and Johnny-san knows that too. Even when you hit it big with Kamenashi-kun, you still needed us afterward, you know. We'll be here forever, no matter what-like that annoying piece of gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe."
As Koyama finished his sudden rant, a wide-eyed YamaPi stared at him as if he had grown a third eye right in the middle of his forehead. Koyama himself thought maybe he had-even reached up to gently brush his bangs out of his eyes to double-check-because he felt awfully strange after blurting all that out. It was completely unlike him, but what YamaPi had said earlier had prompted him to give it a shot.
"…or something," Koyama appended, returning to his normal demeanor and smiling somewhat uneasily. "My inner Ryo-chan? Maybe?"
At the other's explanation, realization dawned on YamaPi. He bowed his head slightly, chuckling. "Maybe a little too much," he answered, holding up his index finger and thumb to give a measurement. "That last part about the gum was kind of over the top."
Koyama took in YamaPi's critique and sincerely mulled over it. "Oh, okay. Next time, I'll watch out for that."
This time, YamaPi laughed outright. "There's no need for that! I don't think Ryo-chan would let you do it again, if he knew about this time. Besides, it doesn't suit you; I like the positive Koyama the best."
"Really?" Koyama smiled brightly. "If that's the case then, let's do our best! Together or apart, we are still NEWS. It will always come back to NEWS."
YamaPi would not have been able to hold back the smile that spread across his lips, even if he had wanted to. Koyama tended to be contagious like that. "Yeah," he grunted, with a vigorous nod of approval. There was much more that he wanted to say; he could feel the words within him bubbling just beneath the surface. They failed to rise to the occasion however and simply remained words left unsaid.
*~*~*
date: 05/04/06 15:09
to: Ryo-chan
from: Koyama Keiichiro
Hey, are you planning anything for YamaPi's birthday?
We'll all be together in Sapporo this year for his birthday after all…
If I can help, let me know, ne?
*~*~*
In hopes of warming up a little, Ryo took a long swig of the hot bitter liquid contained by the thin paper cup sitting between in his hands. "Still cold…" he grumbled unhappily under his breath when the coffee failed to be an effective body warmer. "Why don't they just turn on the heat already?!"
Not startled in the least by the other's frustrated outburst, Koyama continued to stare intently at the handwritten list in his planner. "Didn't you say Kanjani8's photo shoot was an hour from now? The staff probably wasn't expecting anyone to be in here until later, so no heat."
At the very back of his mind, a little part of Ryo knew that Koyama was right, but that did not mean he had to like it. "Did you get everything down?" he instead asked, scooting forward slightly to peek at the list Koyama had created. "I already spoke with Kawano-san about the birthday cakes; he apparently knows some good bakeries in Sapporo, so he'll take care of that."
"Most of the stuff for the celebration during the concert is being taken care of then, right?" Koyama had checkmarks next to half of the items on his list, and he ran his pen down each one as he silently double-checked. "So, Saturday night is all us?"
Ryo nodded his head, setting the coffee cup down on the table; it was failing as a hand warmer as well. "I think a midnight bash would be good. It'd just be a matter of keeping Pi busy until midnight."
"I can take care of that. And even if I couldn't, YamaPi could probably keep himself busy until midnight with all that's on his plate right now."
Sticking his cold hands into the pockets of his black leather jacket, Ryo arched his eyebrow at Koyama, leaning back into his sofa chair. Despite the lightness of his tone, Ryo sensed some deeper meaning in the older one's offhanded comment. "Have you seen YamaPi this week?"
"I've been shooting for Kurosagi this week, so yeah. Went out for lunch the other day even."
"How is he?"
"Busy."
"Geez, you are so obvious." His voice was telling, and Koyama imagined that Ryo was rolling his eyes. Looking up from his planner where he had been pretending to occupy himself, Koyama found that, indeed, the other was rolling his eyes. "Stop evading the question. Is Pi okay?"
The concern in Ryo's face as he asked about his friend surprised Koyama somewhat. Not that Ryo being concerned was unusual or anything; despite the face he wore as idol, he had a lot of heart beneath his vicious bark. It was the fact that his concern was accompanied with a knowing look in his dark eyes. Like he knew that YamaPi was putting up a charade for everyone to see.
"Close your mouth," Ryo ordered with a note of irritation. Koyama quickly obeyed. "There's no need to be so damn surprised, you know. Pi's been my friend since he was girly and irritating; I can tell when something's up with him."
"Then why don't you do anything about it?"
"I'm not his mommy, Koyama. If YamaPi wants to talk about it, he'll talk. But I'm not about to stick my nose into his problems if he doesn't ask me to," Ryo replied bluntly, picking up his band member's planner and giving the party list a glance over. "Is that why you're getting involved so much this year?"
Koyama blinked. "What do you mean?"
"Normally, you leave it up to me to plan all this party stuff and just play along like everyone else." Ryo scribbled a few more items onto the list in his compact handwriting. "Trying to create a stress-free birthday for him?"
It was at that point that Koyama realized that while Ryo recognized that YamaPi was troubled, he did not know just how far their leader's problems extended. There was stress, but beneath that stress was fear. A fear that Koyama himself empathized with. Would NEWS survive without them? What would become of them without NEWS?
"I want to make the best of it, even though we're working." Koyama replied, fiddling with the large skull ring adorning his right hand. "What with all that he's been doing for us-cheering us up and keeping us going-I think he deserves at least that."
It was like Ryo said. If YamaPi wanted to talk about it, he would tell Ryo himself.
*~*~*
It was fairly quiet for a Saturday night, YamaPi noted as he and Koyama walked across the rather empty lobby of the Sapporo hotel where was staying. The two of them had just spent two hours in small, out-of-the-way banquet room rehearsing yet again for the next day's performance. It had been a little awkward as they were accustomed to practicing in front of wall mirrors, but there was enough room to dance in and that was all they had really needed.
As he pressed the "up" button for an elevator, YamaPi turned to Koyama. "So, are you going to tell me what Ryo is up to this year?"
Koyama stopped patting the sweat off his neck with his towel as his eyes momentarily widened. "Up to?"
YamaPi watched the numbers along the side of the elevator light up one by one, tracking its descent. "Ryo-chan made you the decoy, keeping me busy with practice while the rest of them dropped off one by one with half-assed excuses so that they could go prepare, right?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," Koyama adamantly maintained his innocence, stepping into the empty elevator.
YamaPi followed, chuckling as the doors shut and they began to rise to the sixteenth floor. "Yes, you do, and it's more obvious than ever because you said you know nothing." Out of the corner of his eye, he caught Koyama wincing ever so slightly. Now, YamaPi had proof that Ryo-chan was definitely doing something, even though YamaPi had insisted that he wanted nothing because his birthday had already been worked into the concert.
Just as the elevator doors opened onto their floor, Koyama blurted out, "It's a surprise."
A small grin flashed across YamaPi's lips. Koyama was bad with little secrets-who stole Ryo's blow dryer? (Shige.) Who ate Massu's pudding? (Tegoshi.)-but when it came to the really important things, he knew what to say and when to say it. That probably was why YamaPi had been so willing to let Koyama in on his own worries and fears.
Arriving at the door of the hotel room that he shared with Ryo, YamaPi made a point of pulling his cell phone out of his pocket and checking the time. "Oh, look, Koyama. It's nearly midnight. I'd better get to sleep. See you tomorrow!" The loud and exaggerated voice YamaPi used, combined with the big, slow-motion wave good-bye he gave forced Koyama to stifle the laughter that was threatening to spill from his lips.
Inserting his entry card into the lock, YamaPi could hear the frantic whispers of his band-mates scrambling to get into their positions on the other side of the door ("Massu! You're in the way!" "This is my spot, Tegoshi!"). Before turning the knob, he looked over Koyama, both of them clearly amused by the situation. "I'm kind of afraid to open the door now," YamaPi said to Koyama.
"If you never open that door then you'll be sleeping in the hallway tonight."
"I could just bunk with you while they wait in there the entire night for me to show up."
"You could, but that'd be mean," Koyama pointed out.
YamaPi shrugged with a sigh of mock resignation, reaching for the doorknob. "I guess it would."
In one swift motion, YamaPi pushed open the door of the darkened hotel room and instantly, the lights were flipped on by someone else, revealing the rest of his band-mates crowding the small entrance.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!"
Watching from just behind YamaPi as the streamers and confetti rained down on the two of them, a small part of Koyama wondered if they were disturbing the other guests on the floor and he quickly glanced both ways down the hall. In that instant, as he took his attention away from the hubbub of the burgeoning birthday party in the hotel room, Koyama was pegged in the forehead with a flying cork.
"OW!"
"Shit! Did that hit you, Koyama? Sorry!"
Koyama rubbed at his forehead with his palm, stepping into the room and shutting the door behind him. "Thanks a lot, Ryo-chan." He glared playfully at Ryo, who, busy hefting the large bottle of Dom Perignon and filling the tall champagne flutes that Shige offered him, failed to notice.
YamaPi, who unable to hold it in, was laughing next to Koyama. "Don't worry. It doesn't look like it'll leave a mark."
Shige and Ryo quickly got all six champagne flutes filled and dispensed amongst the group. Gathering in rough circle (the hotel room was not that wide, so it was more of a squished oval), they raised their glasses.
Koyama's voice rang out clearly over the momentary hush. "Happy twenty-first birthday, YamaPi."
As other members earnestly echoed Koyama's birthday congratulations, YamaPi felt it all fall away-the constant frustration, the underlying fear, and even deeply hidden edge of anger. He was here in this moment, with these people, a part of this group of six, and he did not want to waste it. This was member love. He did not want to lose this feeling, ever.
Ryo's cry of "CHEERS!" brought all the glasses clinking together at the center of the circle. YamaPi's lips curled over the edge of the flute, and he let the bubbly drink slide pleasantly past his tongue and down his throat.
So this was what teppen tasted like.
*~*~*
Of all the birthdays he had celebrated, YamaPi thought that his twenty-first birthday had been his best. From the midnight festivities with its overflowing Dom Perignon and tipsy band members carrying into the planned concert celebrations throughout the day, YamaPi had had the most fun he had had in a long time. While he was not the biggest fan of cake, even YamaPi had to admit that the cakes that Kawano-san had picked up were delicious; he suspected that Ryo had eaten more of the cakes than he had himself though, seeing as Ryo had been constantly picking the strawberries off them.
Birthday emails came in from everybody he worked with and then some, so by midnight on Sunday his cell phone's inbox was nearly full. Toma called in the morning when they were on their way to the arena and Rina, Yuu, and Kame had gotten through to him during the break between shows. A final birthday call from Jin came in just as they were all deboarding their flight from Sapporo at Haneda.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PI!!!"
"Cutting it close, aren't you?"
"Yeah, but this way I leave more of an impact. You know, the last one before midnight and all."
YamaPi would have liked to speak to Jin longer, but he had to cut it short in order to try to get at least four hours of sleep before his early morning call for Kurosagi filming. Even though YamaPi made the effort, however, he still managed to be a half-an-hour late for filming, walking into the makeup van just as Koyama-sporting a light makeup bruise-was leaving.
As he went through the daily routine of hair and makeup, YamaPi ran through his script, reminding himself of which scene they would be shooting. It was the final scene between Kurosaki and Tanabe. The scene where Kurosaki would be forced to sacrifice his one true friend in order to continue striving for his goal to destroy all swindlers.
This was not funny anymore.
It had never really been funny in the first place. At first, the idea of having Kurosaki as his first lead role in a drama had been exciting. While he had always wanted his first leading role to be in a romantic drama, he understood that beggars could not be choosers-not that he was a beggar exactly-and Kurosagi was being handed to him on a silver platter. There was no way his manager or Johnny-san would let him reject it. When he had been given the basic plot of the story, YamaPi had been intrigued and very much up for the challenge of testing his own abilities to pull off such a dark, jaded character.
More than anything else though, he had decided to do Kurosagi in order to distract himself from NEWS' impending hiatus. Except that it was not doing that. It was doing the exact opposite.
He had too much in common with Kurosaki. YamaPi's life, by no means, was as rough as Kurosaki's, but it had its own difficulties. Kurosaki sought to escape his troubles by hiding behind masks and playing various roles, to the point where he could no longer even remember who he really was. Lately, there were times when YamaPi could feel himself slipping down that slope, unsure of where the person Yamashita Tomohisa ended and the idol YamaPi began. Then, there was this episode's storyline-sacrificing friendship for the sake of preserving oneself.
It did not sit well with YamaPi. It made him question himself. Was he, in a way, doing the same thing? Screwing NEWS and going off on his own? It was a question that he found himself asking himself repeatedly, even when others assured him that was the last thing he was doing. And yet, he could not help but wonder.
Carrying those feelings, YamaPi filmed the heavy parting scene between the two friends, struggling to keep his own confused emotions in check He kept to himself the entire time, even during set-up and between takes, consciously going out of his way to not talk to Koyama on the other side of that fence. All his professionalism might have crumbled away if he had. Even after the scene had wrapped, YamaPi darted off to get ready for the next set of location shooting in another area, again avoiding Koyama.
But when YamaPi started writing his daily J-web entry that night, he found a message from Koyama in his inbox.
I know you're busy, so I'll keep it short. Good work!! I'll see you tomorrow. (^_^)
YamaPi's J-web entry that day was bright and happy, full of food and friends.
*~*~*
Koyama looked across the small table at YamaPi. "You haven't filled your literature requirement yet?"
YamaPi shook his head as he swallowed a mouthful of his yakiniku bentou. "Not yet. I was thinking about getting it done this semester. Do you have any recommendations as to who to take?"
It was that short exchange over lunch the next day that led the two idols to hole themselves up in YamaPi's dressing room during a break in filming, pouring over Meiji University's spring semester class schedules, trying to pick classes.
YamaPi was totally clueless when it came to Meiji's literature department, so Koyama ended up going through several of the lower level courses with him, explaining the pros and cons of each course. Koyama pushed for an Asian literature course (it was his major after all), but YamaPi went with Contemporary American Literature instead. Koyama had not taken the course, but the professor had a reputation in the department.
"Don't watch Motohashi during lecture," Koyama warned, as he skimmed the rest of the literature department's course offerings. "Spittle collects in the corners of his mouth and he's known for 'accidentally' spitting on students."
YamaPi looked up from his schedule sheet where he was neatly printing and then bubbling in the course number, the bridge of his nose wrinkled in semi-disgust. "It's a good thing I wasn't planning on going to lecture then."
Pressing his pencil against his lips, Koyama glanced at YamaPi from the chair in front of the makeup vanity in the corner of the room. "Do you ever?"
"What?"
"Go to lecture."
YamaPi closed the schedule booklet on the low table before him, his registration form sticking out of the top, revealing that he had finishing filling in all the classes he intended to take for the semester-Developing Asian Economies, Quantitative Approaches to Management, Consumer Behavior, and Contemporary American Literature. "Depends on the course," he shrugged. "I try to go at least half the time, but if I can get away with not going at all, I won't. Being an idol and being a student don't always compliment each other perfectly, you know."
"I do know." Koyama moved to join YamaPi on the tatami, sitting across from him. "You could use that idol charm of yours and get one of the girls in your class to give you notes."
YamaPi rolled his eyes at Koyama's teasing. "And get wrapped up in that kind of drama? No, thank you. As nice as those kinds of girls are, they're more fans than friends and that's just weird-being a friend with a fan. I've got to draw the line between my personal life and my work somewhere."
"And yet, you've been letting work get in the way of your personal life lately."
The younger idol was surprised by Koyama's blunt words, but was aware that the other was only saying them for his benefit. "I suppose I have," he admitted hesitantly. "Thanks, by the way. For yesterday, I mean. For giving me my space and-"
A loud rap against the outside of the dressing room door and a female voice crying, "Yamashita-san, five minutes 'til rehearsal!" cut him off, the rest of his thanks going unsaid.
"Space is important." Koyama carefully set the pencil that he borrowed from YamaPi down the table, lining it up with the schedule booklet. "But letting people in is important too."
YamaPi watched as the other continued to fiddle with the pencil and the schedule book awkwardly, almost childishly. It was only when YamaPi placed his palm on top of the schedule book that Koyama raised his quiet eyes to meet YamaPi's. "Maybe you should talk to the group about all this."
"It would be awkward."
"But it would be better than feeling miserable alone."
"…I'm not alone."
Koyama slowly stood up, running his hands down his legs, smoothing down his jeans. "Wanting to be NEWS is sharing yourself entirely with the group. NEWS is beyond just you and me, YamaPi. Keeping all this to yourself… It's not good for you."
"The last thing the group needs is to hear that their leader is scared shitless about this whole hiatus thing!" YamaPi was on his feet now, his voice insistent and passionate, but quiet enough to not draw unwanted attention from outside. "The six of us, we're having a good time right now! Enjoying these final concert shows we have together for the tour, being NEWS and not thinking about what lies beyond it! Someone needs to assure them that we'll be all right!"
"Don't you think that's just a bit hypocritical?" Koyama wandered back over to the makeup vanity, pushing the chair back in. "Who assures you that everything will be alright?"
Looking into the mirror, Koyama met YamaPi's rebuked gaze-eyes speaking volumes, more than he could verbalize. Koyama bowed his head slightly, fingers curling tight on the back of the chair. Had he said too much? Maybe he had not said enough.
There was a long, weighty moment before Koyama spoke again, facing YamaPi with a soft smile. "You should be getting to rehearsal; that assistant is probably going to come screaming for you any minute now," he said, heading for the door. "Since I've already finished filming, I should get going too."
YamaPi stared at the older man as he opened the door, and then suddenly called, "Ah! Koyama!"
"Hmm?"
YamaPi searched for the words to stop him, to try to apologize, but instead found himself saying, "I'll see you this weekend."
Koyama softly nodded. "This weekend."
The door shut quietly behind him.
*~*~*
part two glossary
+ teppen = pinnacle; apex; top
continue -->
author: nihongofrancais
genre: RPS, NEWS
pairing: Koyama/YamaPi
rating: overall PG-13
words: just under 39,000 words
disclaimer: the boys believe they own themselves; really Johnny owns 'em all. *snicker*
summary: Often, we find we don't realize what we have until it's gone. YamaPi struggles to cope in the aftermath of the announcement of NEWS's hiatus.
author's note: a labor of love in the name of my OTP KoyamaPi, originally inspired by YamaPi's February 2007 appearance on Shounen Club Premium and written over the span of one year from March 2007 through March 2008. Thanks to anamuan for betaing the majority of this monster and tinyangl, 4_03_am and jadedfrenzy for being my test readers. There is love for each and every one of you. ♥
part zero | part one | part two | part three | part four | coda |
"It looks good on you."
"Really?" As the stylist finished touching up his newly dyed hair for the next shot, Koyama gingerly fingered his foreign black bangs. "I don't know. My hair hasn't been black since I was sixteen. It's kind of weird."
YamaPi leaned against the chain fence that surrounded the periphery of the school rooftop where they were for Kurosagi location shooting The chill Monday morning shoot was the first of the week, as well as the first scene that Koyama and YamaPI were acting in together. Three days ago, YamaPi probably would have dreaded shooting with Koyama on some level, but since their intimate conversation in the ofuro-the most mundane of places-the awkwardness had been replaced with a kind of ease YamaPi was somewhat unaccustomed to. Different as it was, YamaPi found that he welcomed the change.
"I haven't been black since I was like eleven," he returned, blowing his black bangs from his eyes with a puff from his lips. "Ever since I could, I've always had it dyed. Surprisingly though, I realized that I kind of liked my hair black after I dyed it for Kurosagi. The fans seem to really like it too."
Koyama buried his bare hands into the pockets of the thick parka that had been given to him by the staff to stave off the morning cold. "It's kind of manly," he commented after taking a moment to really look at YamaPi with his black hair. "Not that you weren't manly before, but it's like you're more so now."
"So I was just less before?"
"I didn't say that!"
The both chuckled when some of the staff, who were working on preparing the crane for the overhead shots in the scene, looked at them after Koyama's loud protest. Koyama made a quick, apologetic motion-one of his hands held perpendicular to his face while bowing his head a little in embarrassment-before joining YamaPi against the chain fence.
Watching the crane ascend above them as the staff ran a final check on the equipment, YamaPi waved at the camera filming them, flashing a cheeky grin. As soon as the camera passed over them, the smile fell away, revealing a more thoughtful expression. "What're you doing after this?"
"Me?" Koyama had been hamming it up for the camera too-giving the trademark N's Aoi "bwui bwui" peace sign-and was caught a little off-guard.
"Yeah. I was thinking about grabbing lunch before meeting up with my manager. Do you want to come?"
Koyama mentally double-checked his schedule for the day to make sure he was free, and then nodded. "Sure. I don't have to be at the main office until four, so I have some time. Where were you thinking about going?"
*~*~*
A recommendation from Toma, the restaurant was just off Shibuya's Center Avenue. It was a hole-in-the-wall kind of place (had YamaPi not pointed it out, Koyama would have walked right past it toward the shiny HMV displays), but once they descended the stairs to enter through the basement entrance, they were greeted by a warm and homey Indian restaurant. They felt like they had been transported to an entirely different world with the quiet strains of classical Indian music in the background and the ornate paintings lining the walls of the restaurant in stark contrast to the loud and often gaudy Shibuya that was just on the other side of the wooden front door.
Seated in the back corner of the nearly empty restaurant-filming had ended early, so they arrived earlier than the normal lunchtime crowd-the two leisurely ordered lunch. Koyama did not mind Indian food every now and then and enjoyed the fluffiness of a fresh-out-of-the-oven piece of naan, so he settled on the familiar chicken curry. On the other hand, YamaPi-a food connoisseur at heart-went with his favorite chicken tikka with a side of dal.
Over their tasty lunches, Koyama and YamaPi continued a light conversational banter-whether or not the banners covering all of Shibuya sort of kind of made KAT-TUN look like aliens amongst their topics of choice-while the cozy dining area filled and then emptied; two hours passed like nothing at all. As they finished off their meal with some cardamom-flavored chai, YamaPi nonchalantly mentioned, "Actually, after this I have some recording to finish up."
Elbows propped up on the table, Koyama peered at his band-mate from over the rim of his raised mug of chai. "Oh? Narration for Kurosagi?"
"Laying down the final vocals for 'Daite Senorita'."
"Can I come?"
"If you want."
YamaPi's manager-Kawano-san-had been quite surprised to see Koyama walk through the doors of the recording studio on YamaPi's heels, but did not protest his presence. In fact, Kawano-san thought Koyama's presence would do a great deal of good.
"Yamashita-kun's been having some trouble; I think he's just nervous about going solo. Having someone familiar like you around, Koyama-kun, might help him loosen up."
At first, Koyama did not really believe Kawano-san when he said that YamaPi was "having some trouble". While he was not the best singer live, YamaPi usually was focused and consistent in the studio-much better than Koyama was, at least. However, after spending an hour or so sitting in the back of the control room watching YamaPi struggle to nail the final recording, he came to understand what Kawano-san meant. YamaPi's voice was uneven, he unable to find the right pitch and there were even times when he stumbled over the basic melody.
After YamaPi fell flat on the final "jiretai yo" of the second chorus once again, the producer-who really should have been angrier with YamaPi's inability to perform-turned on the microphone that fed into the main studio. "Yamashita-san, we want to give what we have so far a listen, so why don't you take twenty minutes, alright?"
"Alright."
When the idol pushed through the soundproof door into the control room, he already had his sunglasses on and was loosely hanging on to a pack of cigarettes. "I'll be outside," he informed Kawano-san, turning toward to where his manager, the producer and sound engineer were conversing intensely.
Kawano-san gave a quick, "Sure," in reply before returning to his discussion.
As YamaPi stepped out into the hall, Koyama continued to awkwardly sit on the leather couch in the back of the control room. If he followed YamaPi outside, would the other idol welcome his company? After all, he had just witnessed the NEWS leader at what probably could be called his worst. The last thing he would want to do was to talk to Koyama. At the same time though, Koyama really did not want to stay in the control room either, inadvertently eavesdropping on the discussion of how YamaPi's less than stellar vocals could be ripped apart and manipulated to sound sellable.
In the end, recalling Kawano-san's words-"I think he's just nervous about going solo."-Koyama took his leave from the studio. Walking down to the end of the hall, he found YamaPi sitting alone in the smoking lounge, uninterestedly twirling one of his favorite Marlboros between his index and middle fingers.
"Aren't you going to light it?" Koyama asked from his place just in front of the doorway.
"I forgot my lighter in the studio."
Koyama quickly patted his pockets to see if he had his on him, only to discover that he did not. "I left mine in my bag, but I can go back and get it-"
YamaPi smiled slightly, turning to glance at Koyama, who was ready to dash back to the studio. "It's okay. I can make do." Sitting up slightly, he reached into the back pocket of his jeans. "I picked up some matches at that restaurant." He waved the book gently in Koyama's direction.
"You should have said that in the first place!" Koyama mentally smacked himself for being so eager, like some innocent puppy wanting to please his master. YamaPi was not his master and he was no puppy, but Koyama could not help but want to make the other feel at ease, even if it was just getting him a lighter when he needed one.
"I bet you're thinking, 'Why did you invite me to hear you suck?'"
"…what?" Koyama was taken slightly aback by YamaPi's sudden, self-degrading words.
"…sorry, it's my inner Ryo-chan."
Koyama drew closer, so now that he was leaning against the wall next to the long sofa YamaPi was sitting on the other side of. "You have an 'inner Ryo-chan'?" he repeated, not quite sure what to make of YamaPi's admission.
The twirling ceased and the cigarette fell from his fingertips onto the couch cushions. However, before it could attempt its suicide jump, diving into the dark crevices between the cushions, YamaPi snatched it up again. "Yeah." He turned to look up at Koyama who towered over him slightly. "He's kind of like an inner ear infection, except sometimes he hurts a lot more. The brutal honesty usually manages to keep me focused."
"What about today?"
YamaPi took a beat, ripping a match out of the new book and taking it to his cigarette, lighting it. "Not so much."
The two of them exchanged a chuckle over YamaPi's somewhat understated answer and Koyama slid down to join his fellow idol on the couch. "I don't know if I could take having an inner Ryo; my positivity would definitely take a hit, I think."
"I don't think Ryo-chan would want an inner Koyama either," YamaPi returned with a grin, slipping his now lit cigarette between his lips and taking a deep drag. "Can you imagine him saying 'Let's do our best!' on a daily basis?"
"It would be weird." Koyama nodded his head thoughtfully in agreement, and then suddenly stopped when he realized something. "Wait. Is it weird that I say it on a daily basis?"
YamaPi quickly shook his head. "No, that's completely you, Koyama. Member love, right?" He offered the cigarette to the other with a simple motion of his hand.
"Member love." Koyama echoed with a soft smile, accepting the cigarette and placing it between his lips.
Their conversation fell into a lull and YamaPi rose from his seat, crossing the short width of the lounge to lean against the sill of the large window and peer out across the Tokyo skyline beyond Shibuya. "I can't stop thinking that this is the first step toward the beginning of the end." He quickly turned around to face Koyama, leaning against the pillar that divided the large window into two. "That once this single is recorded and then released, there'll be no going back to NEWS."
Koyama watched quietly as the troubled idol pushed his large-rimmed sunglasses up so that they now were perched on the crown of his head. It was then that he was able to glimpse the confusion brimming in YamaPi's dark eyes-eyes that had been full of conviction during filming just a few hours earlier. That had been the idol YamaPi. This was the real Yamashita Tomohisa.
Inhaling the sweet, comforting nicotine one last time, he stubbed YamaPi's cigarette out in the ashtray on the coffee table. Koyama rose from his seat, took a few steps forward, and then stopped, folding his arms tightly across his chest. "Don't be so full of yourself." Koyama spat the words loudly at the confused man across the room, his already small eyes narrowing further and darkening. "Do you actually think you'd be where you are now without NEWS? There's no way you'd sell on your own, and Johnny-san knows that too. Even when you hit it big with Kamenashi-kun, you still needed us afterward, you know. We'll be here forever, no matter what-like that annoying piece of gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe."
As Koyama finished his sudden rant, a wide-eyed YamaPi stared at him as if he had grown a third eye right in the middle of his forehead. Koyama himself thought maybe he had-even reached up to gently brush his bangs out of his eyes to double-check-because he felt awfully strange after blurting all that out. It was completely unlike him, but what YamaPi had said earlier had prompted him to give it a shot.
"…or something," Koyama appended, returning to his normal demeanor and smiling somewhat uneasily. "My inner Ryo-chan? Maybe?"
At the other's explanation, realization dawned on YamaPi. He bowed his head slightly, chuckling. "Maybe a little too much," he answered, holding up his index finger and thumb to give a measurement. "That last part about the gum was kind of over the top."
Koyama took in YamaPi's critique and sincerely mulled over it. "Oh, okay. Next time, I'll watch out for that."
This time, YamaPi laughed outright. "There's no need for that! I don't think Ryo-chan would let you do it again, if he knew about this time. Besides, it doesn't suit you; I like the positive Koyama the best."
"Really?" Koyama smiled brightly. "If that's the case then, let's do our best! Together or apart, we are still NEWS. It will always come back to NEWS."
YamaPi would not have been able to hold back the smile that spread across his lips, even if he had wanted to. Koyama tended to be contagious like that. "Yeah," he grunted, with a vigorous nod of approval. There was much more that he wanted to say; he could feel the words within him bubbling just beneath the surface. They failed to rise to the occasion however and simply remained words left unsaid.
*~*~*
date: 05/04/06 15:09
to: Ryo-chan
from: Koyama Keiichiro
Hey, are you planning anything for YamaPi's birthday?
We'll all be together in Sapporo this year for his birthday after all…
If I can help, let me know, ne?
*~*~*
In hopes of warming up a little, Ryo took a long swig of the hot bitter liquid contained by the thin paper cup sitting between in his hands. "Still cold…" he grumbled unhappily under his breath when the coffee failed to be an effective body warmer. "Why don't they just turn on the heat already?!"
Not startled in the least by the other's frustrated outburst, Koyama continued to stare intently at the handwritten list in his planner. "Didn't you say Kanjani8's photo shoot was an hour from now? The staff probably wasn't expecting anyone to be in here until later, so no heat."
At the very back of his mind, a little part of Ryo knew that Koyama was right, but that did not mean he had to like it. "Did you get everything down?" he instead asked, scooting forward slightly to peek at the list Koyama had created. "I already spoke with Kawano-san about the birthday cakes; he apparently knows some good bakeries in Sapporo, so he'll take care of that."
"Most of the stuff for the celebration during the concert is being taken care of then, right?" Koyama had checkmarks next to half of the items on his list, and he ran his pen down each one as he silently double-checked. "So, Saturday night is all us?"
Ryo nodded his head, setting the coffee cup down on the table; it was failing as a hand warmer as well. "I think a midnight bash would be good. It'd just be a matter of keeping Pi busy until midnight."
"I can take care of that. And even if I couldn't, YamaPi could probably keep himself busy until midnight with all that's on his plate right now."
Sticking his cold hands into the pockets of his black leather jacket, Ryo arched his eyebrow at Koyama, leaning back into his sofa chair. Despite the lightness of his tone, Ryo sensed some deeper meaning in the older one's offhanded comment. "Have you seen YamaPi this week?"
"I've been shooting for Kurosagi this week, so yeah. Went out for lunch the other day even."
"How is he?"
"Busy."
"Geez, you are so obvious." His voice was telling, and Koyama imagined that Ryo was rolling his eyes. Looking up from his planner where he had been pretending to occupy himself, Koyama found that, indeed, the other was rolling his eyes. "Stop evading the question. Is Pi okay?"
The concern in Ryo's face as he asked about his friend surprised Koyama somewhat. Not that Ryo being concerned was unusual or anything; despite the face he wore as idol, he had a lot of heart beneath his vicious bark. It was the fact that his concern was accompanied with a knowing look in his dark eyes. Like he knew that YamaPi was putting up a charade for everyone to see.
"Close your mouth," Ryo ordered with a note of irritation. Koyama quickly obeyed. "There's no need to be so damn surprised, you know. Pi's been my friend since he was girly and irritating; I can tell when something's up with him."
"Then why don't you do anything about it?"
"I'm not his mommy, Koyama. If YamaPi wants to talk about it, he'll talk. But I'm not about to stick my nose into his problems if he doesn't ask me to," Ryo replied bluntly, picking up his band member's planner and giving the party list a glance over. "Is that why you're getting involved so much this year?"
Koyama blinked. "What do you mean?"
"Normally, you leave it up to me to plan all this party stuff and just play along like everyone else." Ryo scribbled a few more items onto the list in his compact handwriting. "Trying to create a stress-free birthday for him?"
It was at that point that Koyama realized that while Ryo recognized that YamaPi was troubled, he did not know just how far their leader's problems extended. There was stress, but beneath that stress was fear. A fear that Koyama himself empathized with. Would NEWS survive without them? What would become of them without NEWS?
"I want to make the best of it, even though we're working." Koyama replied, fiddling with the large skull ring adorning his right hand. "What with all that he's been doing for us-cheering us up and keeping us going-I think he deserves at least that."
It was like Ryo said. If YamaPi wanted to talk about it, he would tell Ryo himself.
*~*~*
It was fairly quiet for a Saturday night, YamaPi noted as he and Koyama walked across the rather empty lobby of the Sapporo hotel where was staying. The two of them had just spent two hours in small, out-of-the-way banquet room rehearsing yet again for the next day's performance. It had been a little awkward as they were accustomed to practicing in front of wall mirrors, but there was enough room to dance in and that was all they had really needed.
As he pressed the "up" button for an elevator, YamaPi turned to Koyama. "So, are you going to tell me what Ryo is up to this year?"
Koyama stopped patting the sweat off his neck with his towel as his eyes momentarily widened. "Up to?"
YamaPi watched the numbers along the side of the elevator light up one by one, tracking its descent. "Ryo-chan made you the decoy, keeping me busy with practice while the rest of them dropped off one by one with half-assed excuses so that they could go prepare, right?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," Koyama adamantly maintained his innocence, stepping into the empty elevator.
YamaPi followed, chuckling as the doors shut and they began to rise to the sixteenth floor. "Yes, you do, and it's more obvious than ever because you said you know nothing." Out of the corner of his eye, he caught Koyama wincing ever so slightly. Now, YamaPi had proof that Ryo-chan was definitely doing something, even though YamaPi had insisted that he wanted nothing because his birthday had already been worked into the concert.
Just as the elevator doors opened onto their floor, Koyama blurted out, "It's a surprise."
A small grin flashed across YamaPi's lips. Koyama was bad with little secrets-who stole Ryo's blow dryer? (Shige.) Who ate Massu's pudding? (Tegoshi.)-but when it came to the really important things, he knew what to say and when to say it. That probably was why YamaPi had been so willing to let Koyama in on his own worries and fears.
Arriving at the door of the hotel room that he shared with Ryo, YamaPi made a point of pulling his cell phone out of his pocket and checking the time. "Oh, look, Koyama. It's nearly midnight. I'd better get to sleep. See you tomorrow!" The loud and exaggerated voice YamaPi used, combined with the big, slow-motion wave good-bye he gave forced Koyama to stifle the laughter that was threatening to spill from his lips.
Inserting his entry card into the lock, YamaPi could hear the frantic whispers of his band-mates scrambling to get into their positions on the other side of the door ("Massu! You're in the way!" "This is my spot, Tegoshi!"). Before turning the knob, he looked over Koyama, both of them clearly amused by the situation. "I'm kind of afraid to open the door now," YamaPi said to Koyama.
"If you never open that door then you'll be sleeping in the hallway tonight."
"I could just bunk with you while they wait in there the entire night for me to show up."
"You could, but that'd be mean," Koyama pointed out.
YamaPi shrugged with a sigh of mock resignation, reaching for the doorknob. "I guess it would."
In one swift motion, YamaPi pushed open the door of the darkened hotel room and instantly, the lights were flipped on by someone else, revealing the rest of his band-mates crowding the small entrance.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!"
Watching from just behind YamaPi as the streamers and confetti rained down on the two of them, a small part of Koyama wondered if they were disturbing the other guests on the floor and he quickly glanced both ways down the hall. In that instant, as he took his attention away from the hubbub of the burgeoning birthday party in the hotel room, Koyama was pegged in the forehead with a flying cork.
"OW!"
"Shit! Did that hit you, Koyama? Sorry!"
Koyama rubbed at his forehead with his palm, stepping into the room and shutting the door behind him. "Thanks a lot, Ryo-chan." He glared playfully at Ryo, who, busy hefting the large bottle of Dom Perignon and filling the tall champagne flutes that Shige offered him, failed to notice.
YamaPi, who unable to hold it in, was laughing next to Koyama. "Don't worry. It doesn't look like it'll leave a mark."
Shige and Ryo quickly got all six champagne flutes filled and dispensed amongst the group. Gathering in rough circle (the hotel room was not that wide, so it was more of a squished oval), they raised their glasses.
Koyama's voice rang out clearly over the momentary hush. "Happy twenty-first birthday, YamaPi."
As other members earnestly echoed Koyama's birthday congratulations, YamaPi felt it all fall away-the constant frustration, the underlying fear, and even deeply hidden edge of anger. He was here in this moment, with these people, a part of this group of six, and he did not want to waste it. This was member love. He did not want to lose this feeling, ever.
Ryo's cry of "CHEERS!" brought all the glasses clinking together at the center of the circle. YamaPi's lips curled over the edge of the flute, and he let the bubbly drink slide pleasantly past his tongue and down his throat.
So this was what teppen tasted like.
*~*~*
Of all the birthdays he had celebrated, YamaPi thought that his twenty-first birthday had been his best. From the midnight festivities with its overflowing Dom Perignon and tipsy band members carrying into the planned concert celebrations throughout the day, YamaPi had had the most fun he had had in a long time. While he was not the biggest fan of cake, even YamaPi had to admit that the cakes that Kawano-san had picked up were delicious; he suspected that Ryo had eaten more of the cakes than he had himself though, seeing as Ryo had been constantly picking the strawberries off them.
Birthday emails came in from everybody he worked with and then some, so by midnight on Sunday his cell phone's inbox was nearly full. Toma called in the morning when they were on their way to the arena and Rina, Yuu, and Kame had gotten through to him during the break between shows. A final birthday call from Jin came in just as they were all deboarding their flight from Sapporo at Haneda.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PI!!!"
"Cutting it close, aren't you?"
"Yeah, but this way I leave more of an impact. You know, the last one before midnight and all."
YamaPi would have liked to speak to Jin longer, but he had to cut it short in order to try to get at least four hours of sleep before his early morning call for Kurosagi filming. Even though YamaPi made the effort, however, he still managed to be a half-an-hour late for filming, walking into the makeup van just as Koyama-sporting a light makeup bruise-was leaving.
As he went through the daily routine of hair and makeup, YamaPi ran through his script, reminding himself of which scene they would be shooting. It was the final scene between Kurosaki and Tanabe. The scene where Kurosaki would be forced to sacrifice his one true friend in order to continue striving for his goal to destroy all swindlers.
This was not funny anymore.
It had never really been funny in the first place. At first, the idea of having Kurosaki as his first lead role in a drama had been exciting. While he had always wanted his first leading role to be in a romantic drama, he understood that beggars could not be choosers-not that he was a beggar exactly-and Kurosagi was being handed to him on a silver platter. There was no way his manager or Johnny-san would let him reject it. When he had been given the basic plot of the story, YamaPi had been intrigued and very much up for the challenge of testing his own abilities to pull off such a dark, jaded character.
More than anything else though, he had decided to do Kurosagi in order to distract himself from NEWS' impending hiatus. Except that it was not doing that. It was doing the exact opposite.
He had too much in common with Kurosaki. YamaPi's life, by no means, was as rough as Kurosaki's, but it had its own difficulties. Kurosaki sought to escape his troubles by hiding behind masks and playing various roles, to the point where he could no longer even remember who he really was. Lately, there were times when YamaPi could feel himself slipping down that slope, unsure of where the person Yamashita Tomohisa ended and the idol YamaPi began. Then, there was this episode's storyline-sacrificing friendship for the sake of preserving oneself.
It did not sit well with YamaPi. It made him question himself. Was he, in a way, doing the same thing? Screwing NEWS and going off on his own? It was a question that he found himself asking himself repeatedly, even when others assured him that was the last thing he was doing. And yet, he could not help but wonder.
Carrying those feelings, YamaPi filmed the heavy parting scene between the two friends, struggling to keep his own confused emotions in check He kept to himself the entire time, even during set-up and between takes, consciously going out of his way to not talk to Koyama on the other side of that fence. All his professionalism might have crumbled away if he had. Even after the scene had wrapped, YamaPi darted off to get ready for the next set of location shooting in another area, again avoiding Koyama.
But when YamaPi started writing his daily J-web entry that night, he found a message from Koyama in his inbox.
I know you're busy, so I'll keep it short. Good work!! I'll see you tomorrow. (^_^)
YamaPi's J-web entry that day was bright and happy, full of food and friends.
*~*~*
Koyama looked across the small table at YamaPi. "You haven't filled your literature requirement yet?"
YamaPi shook his head as he swallowed a mouthful of his yakiniku bentou. "Not yet. I was thinking about getting it done this semester. Do you have any recommendations as to who to take?"
It was that short exchange over lunch the next day that led the two idols to hole themselves up in YamaPi's dressing room during a break in filming, pouring over Meiji University's spring semester class schedules, trying to pick classes.
YamaPi was totally clueless when it came to Meiji's literature department, so Koyama ended up going through several of the lower level courses with him, explaining the pros and cons of each course. Koyama pushed for an Asian literature course (it was his major after all), but YamaPi went with Contemporary American Literature instead. Koyama had not taken the course, but the professor had a reputation in the department.
"Don't watch Motohashi during lecture," Koyama warned, as he skimmed the rest of the literature department's course offerings. "Spittle collects in the corners of his mouth and he's known for 'accidentally' spitting on students."
YamaPi looked up from his schedule sheet where he was neatly printing and then bubbling in the course number, the bridge of his nose wrinkled in semi-disgust. "It's a good thing I wasn't planning on going to lecture then."
Pressing his pencil against his lips, Koyama glanced at YamaPi from the chair in front of the makeup vanity in the corner of the room. "Do you ever?"
"What?"
"Go to lecture."
YamaPi closed the schedule booklet on the low table before him, his registration form sticking out of the top, revealing that he had finishing filling in all the classes he intended to take for the semester-Developing Asian Economies, Quantitative Approaches to Management, Consumer Behavior, and Contemporary American Literature. "Depends on the course," he shrugged. "I try to go at least half the time, but if I can get away with not going at all, I won't. Being an idol and being a student don't always compliment each other perfectly, you know."
"I do know." Koyama moved to join YamaPi on the tatami, sitting across from him. "You could use that idol charm of yours and get one of the girls in your class to give you notes."
YamaPi rolled his eyes at Koyama's teasing. "And get wrapped up in that kind of drama? No, thank you. As nice as those kinds of girls are, they're more fans than friends and that's just weird-being a friend with a fan. I've got to draw the line between my personal life and my work somewhere."
"And yet, you've been letting work get in the way of your personal life lately."
The younger idol was surprised by Koyama's blunt words, but was aware that the other was only saying them for his benefit. "I suppose I have," he admitted hesitantly. "Thanks, by the way. For yesterday, I mean. For giving me my space and-"
A loud rap against the outside of the dressing room door and a female voice crying, "Yamashita-san, five minutes 'til rehearsal!" cut him off, the rest of his thanks going unsaid.
"Space is important." Koyama carefully set the pencil that he borrowed from YamaPi down the table, lining it up with the schedule booklet. "But letting people in is important too."
YamaPi watched as the other continued to fiddle with the pencil and the schedule book awkwardly, almost childishly. It was only when YamaPi placed his palm on top of the schedule book that Koyama raised his quiet eyes to meet YamaPi's. "Maybe you should talk to the group about all this."
"It would be awkward."
"But it would be better than feeling miserable alone."
"…I'm not alone."
Koyama slowly stood up, running his hands down his legs, smoothing down his jeans. "Wanting to be NEWS is sharing yourself entirely with the group. NEWS is beyond just you and me, YamaPi. Keeping all this to yourself… It's not good for you."
"The last thing the group needs is to hear that their leader is scared shitless about this whole hiatus thing!" YamaPi was on his feet now, his voice insistent and passionate, but quiet enough to not draw unwanted attention from outside. "The six of us, we're having a good time right now! Enjoying these final concert shows we have together for the tour, being NEWS and not thinking about what lies beyond it! Someone needs to assure them that we'll be all right!"
"Don't you think that's just a bit hypocritical?" Koyama wandered back over to the makeup vanity, pushing the chair back in. "Who assures you that everything will be alright?"
Looking into the mirror, Koyama met YamaPi's rebuked gaze-eyes speaking volumes, more than he could verbalize. Koyama bowed his head slightly, fingers curling tight on the back of the chair. Had he said too much? Maybe he had not said enough.
There was a long, weighty moment before Koyama spoke again, facing YamaPi with a soft smile. "You should be getting to rehearsal; that assistant is probably going to come screaming for you any minute now," he said, heading for the door. "Since I've already finished filming, I should get going too."
YamaPi stared at the older man as he opened the door, and then suddenly called, "Ah! Koyama!"
"Hmm?"
YamaPi searched for the words to stop him, to try to apologize, but instead found himself saying, "I'll see you this weekend."
Koyama softly nodded. "This weekend."
The door shut quietly behind him.
*~*~*
part two glossary
+ teppen = pinnacle; apex; top
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