The Tolkien Confessional
Tolkien Hell. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm quite sure it exists and that I'm headed there. How do I know this? Well I'll tell you...
A while back, toward the end of Long Dark before the TTT EE's release--I discovered the Tolkien-sinners' version of saying penance. It came out of one of my favorite time killers, which is to go out to LordoftheRings.net and hit "refresh" so that I hear the various sexy men greeting me until I hit the one I want--usually Billy. This one day in particular was a terrible trial: I had to wait through six Viggos, two Karls, three Doms, two Seans, two Elijahs, two PJs, and two Christopher Lees (which actually scare me) before I got to Billy. I was struck by how like a penance prayer list that sounded, and it led me to make my confession to my friend Debbie, in hopes of being spared from burning eternally in Tolkien Hell. However, it opened up this door, see, and suddenly I couldn't stop confessing. I clearly need absolution, or I am doomed. And also a very twisted person.
Before I begin, I would remind anyone who is reading that I love and respect The Lord of the Rings and Professor Tolkien. As such, I simply ask the understanding of all who might read this. I cannot believe that I am the only person to have sinned in such a manner. If have anything you'd like to get off your chest, please feel free to add to the list. You'll feel better having confessed, I promise. If I am the only one out here, well, um... please don't shun me.
Forgive me, Professor, for I have sinned:
Pre-ROTK Sins...
* One time I called Isildur "What's-his-bucket." Oh, crap, it wasn't Isildur at all. It was his father... what's-his... Elendil?? Crap!
* Three hundred twenty two times I treated Lord Elrond with disrespect.
* Eighteen times I pretended that the screenshot posted on to TORN of Pippin stealing the Palantir was him in his nightie with no trousers on.
* Twelve-hundred sixty two times I rewound the bit of "Return to Middle-earth" where Dom goes "Mmmm... bosom."
* Nine times I did actually wonder if Sam and Frodo and Merry and Pippin might be a little bit gay.
* Six times I wondered about Dom and Elijah, too.
* And Dom's little bit in the FOTR commentary about how close they were all sleeping in that scene at the Prancing Pony didn't help things any.
* For the most part, I read wholesome, well-written hobbit fanfiction with excellent characterization, like Baylorsr and Shirebound write. But once in a while, I really just want a well-written piece of hobbit slash.
* Eleven times I sort of thought that Eowyn and Aragorn should go do it against a wall in Helm's Deep.
* Eight times I rewound the first Treebeard scene to hear Pippin's girly scream again.
* One hundred three times Boromir's cloak played a major role in a naughty fantasy.
* Once I made up a Palantir-sex scene where Aragorn says "So, what're you wearing?" and Arwen shows him the CFM Cloak.
* Oh, yeah: The Come Fuck Me Cloak.
* Faramir: Mouth made for kissing. Especially in the funeral boat scene.
* Sometimes when Faramir comes on, I hear bad 80s music in my head: "Sad Eyes, turn the other way! I don't wanna see you cry..." And then it's all downhill.
* Three times I wished Peter, Fran, and Philippa had listened to Billy and Dom when they suggested that Merry and Pip should be some Elven ladies' sugar daddies.
* Speaking of Peter, Fran, and Philippa: At least twice a day I wonder if they weren't all doing it the whole time.
* One time I made up a little story about a musical called Tinuvial!
* One time I made up a song list for LOTR: The Musical that included a song called "Shelob-a-Lula."
* But to my credit, I didn't make up the idea of LOTR: The Musical. Just a program of three acts of songs.
* Ninety-four times I swooned from watching Aragorn put on his chain mail underwear.
* Twice I swooned again right after, when Legolas handed Aragorn his sword and patted him lingeringly on the shoulder.
* Once, when I saw TTT EE on the big screen again, I gasped loudly enough to make people stare when Eomer rode up behind Gandalf at Helm's Deep.
* Every darned time Legolas runs to the edge of the cliff after the Warg attack, all I can think is, “Mmmm... Legolas has pretty legs!”
* One time, when watching TTT in the theater, I accidentally said, “Hello! Orcs!” out loud when Gimli asked what madness drove Merry and Pippin into Fangorn.
* Also, I can't watch Gimli taste the Orc blood without thinking of Mulder: “Is there any way I can get it off my fingers quickly without betraying my cool exterior?”
* Seven times I speculated about the benefits of human-hobbit height discrepancies.
* My blood rushes not to my brain every time I think of Merry and Pippin in their armour.
* One time I said, "It's like the Council of Elrond, except that Boromir's picking his nose the whole time."
* Seventy-four times I watched Gollum's Acceptance Speech from the MTV Movie Awards.
* I enjoyed it every single time.
* I secretly wanted there to be a Legolas nude scene.
* I really, really like the close-up of Merry and Pippin's feet and legs during the Hobbit Drinking Song in the Green Dragon.
* And speaking of that sweet little melody: In the book, I really resent the door being closed when Frodo, Sam, and Pippin are bathing together at Crickhollow.
* But it wears off by the time they run naked on the grass at the Barrow Downs.
* Six words: “Barbie's World of Middle-earth Smut."
* One time, when I was creating BWOMES, I made Frodo in the tower at Cirith Ungol really, really pervy.
* But Debbie always picks that card, not me!
* And now I'm afraid I might actually find myself sexually excited during the rescue scene in the tower at Cirith Ungol because I'm pretty sure it's the only nude scene we're getting, and, well... Naked Frodo/Elijah!
* And, no, before you start, Gollum in his loincloth does not count!
* Oh, crap, and I also made up those "Three Is Company" cards, including, among others, "Sibling Rivalry or Brotherly Love?"
Post-ROTK sins (which I imagine will increase in number as I move beyond the gobsmacked stage):
* Once, as I watched ROTK, I went all Purist and was outraged that PJ and Co strayed from the book in the Tower at Cirith Ungol, choosing unreasonably to leave Frodo his pants.
* I noticed Frodo's undies, though, and was slightly mollified.
* And now, every time I see that scene, all I can look at is the little drawstring on his undies.
* Four times I noticed that Faramir gets exponentially hotter with the application of oils.
* Three times Eomer--especially his eyes and his shoulders--made me go all wonky.
* And speaking of going wonky, when Aragorn runs for the Golden Hall when he sees the beacons...
* Twice I wondered if Aragorn weren't going to throw Arwen over for Legolas when he turned up at the coronation with his pretty, pretty headband.
* Once I wondered whether in the EE we'll see the scene between "The Last Debate" and "The Black Gate Opens" where Legolas gives Aragorn his first hair-braiding lesson.
* Four times, oddly enough (and I think this may save me) I did not have lusty thoughts when three out of four hobbits wound up frolicking in bed at the end of ROTK. But I was thinking enough about how not lustful I was feeling, that I am pretty certain my brain will go there eventually.
* I swoon at the first shots of Merry and Pippin in their armour.
* And Frodo and Sam all clean in their nighties.
* Yeah, basically any time the hobbits are all clean and decked out. And on ponies.
For these trespasses, I ask absolution. How many LordoftheRings.net cycles must I go through?
Respectfully (really!),
Cynthia
A while back, toward the end of Long Dark before the TTT EE's release--I discovered the Tolkien-sinners' version of saying penance. It came out of one of my favorite time killers, which is to go out to LordoftheRings.net and hit "refresh" so that I hear the various sexy men greeting me until I hit the one I want--usually Billy. This one day in particular was a terrible trial: I had to wait through six Viggos, two Karls, three Doms, two Seans, two Elijahs, two PJs, and two Christopher Lees (which actually scare me) before I got to Billy. I was struck by how like a penance prayer list that sounded, and it led me to make my confession to my friend Debbie, in hopes of being spared from burning eternally in Tolkien Hell. However, it opened up this door, see, and suddenly I couldn't stop confessing. I clearly need absolution, or I am doomed. And also a very twisted person.
Before I begin, I would remind anyone who is reading that I love and respect The Lord of the Rings and Professor Tolkien. As such, I simply ask the understanding of all who might read this. I cannot believe that I am the only person to have sinned in such a manner. If have anything you'd like to get off your chest, please feel free to add to the list. You'll feel better having confessed, I promise. If I am the only one out here, well, um... please don't shun me.
Forgive me, Professor, for I have sinned:
Pre-ROTK Sins...
* One time I called Isildur "What's-his-bucket." Oh, crap, it wasn't Isildur at all. It was his father... what's-his... Elendil?? Crap!
* Three hundred twenty two times I treated Lord Elrond with disrespect.
* Eighteen times I pretended that the screenshot posted on to TORN of Pippin stealing the Palantir was him in his nightie with no trousers on.
* Twelve-hundred sixty two times I rewound the bit of "Return to Middle-earth" where Dom goes "Mmmm... bosom."
* Nine times I did actually wonder if Sam and Frodo and Merry and Pippin might be a little bit gay.
* Six times I wondered about Dom and Elijah, too.
* And Dom's little bit in the FOTR commentary about how close they were all sleeping in that scene at the Prancing Pony didn't help things any.
* For the most part, I read wholesome, well-written hobbit fanfiction with excellent characterization, like Baylorsr and Shirebound write. But once in a while, I really just want a well-written piece of hobbit slash.
* Eleven times I sort of thought that Eowyn and Aragorn should go do it against a wall in Helm's Deep.
* Eight times I rewound the first Treebeard scene to hear Pippin's girly scream again.
* One hundred three times Boromir's cloak played a major role in a naughty fantasy.
* Once I made up a Palantir-sex scene where Aragorn says "So, what're you wearing?" and Arwen shows him the CFM Cloak.
* Oh, yeah: The Come Fuck Me Cloak.
* Faramir: Mouth made for kissing. Especially in the funeral boat scene.
* Sometimes when Faramir comes on, I hear bad 80s music in my head: "Sad Eyes, turn the other way! I don't wanna see you cry..." And then it's all downhill.
* Three times I wished Peter, Fran, and Philippa had listened to Billy and Dom when they suggested that Merry and Pip should be some Elven ladies' sugar daddies.
* Speaking of Peter, Fran, and Philippa: At least twice a day I wonder if they weren't all doing it the whole time.
* One time I made up a little story about a musical called Tinuvial!
* One time I made up a song list for LOTR: The Musical that included a song called "Shelob-a-Lula."
* But to my credit, I didn't make up the idea of LOTR: The Musical. Just a program of three acts of songs.
* Ninety-four times I swooned from watching Aragorn put on his chain mail underwear.
* Twice I swooned again right after, when Legolas handed Aragorn his sword and patted him lingeringly on the shoulder.
* Once, when I saw TTT EE on the big screen again, I gasped loudly enough to make people stare when Eomer rode up behind Gandalf at Helm's Deep.
* Every darned time Legolas runs to the edge of the cliff after the Warg attack, all I can think is, “Mmmm... Legolas has pretty legs!”
* One time, when watching TTT in the theater, I accidentally said, “Hello! Orcs!” out loud when Gimli asked what madness drove Merry and Pippin into Fangorn.
* Also, I can't watch Gimli taste the Orc blood without thinking of Mulder: “Is there any way I can get it off my fingers quickly without betraying my cool exterior?”
* Seven times I speculated about the benefits of human-hobbit height discrepancies.
* My blood rushes not to my brain every time I think of Merry and Pippin in their armour.
* One time I said, "It's like the Council of Elrond, except that Boromir's picking his nose the whole time."
* Seventy-four times I watched Gollum's Acceptance Speech from the MTV Movie Awards.
* I enjoyed it every single time.
* I secretly wanted there to be a Legolas nude scene.
* I really, really like the close-up of Merry and Pippin's feet and legs during the Hobbit Drinking Song in the Green Dragon.
* And speaking of that sweet little melody: In the book, I really resent the door being closed when Frodo, Sam, and Pippin are bathing together at Crickhollow.
* But it wears off by the time they run naked on the grass at the Barrow Downs.
* Six words: “Barbie's World of Middle-earth Smut."
* One time, when I was creating BWOMES, I made Frodo in the tower at Cirith Ungol really, really pervy.
* But Debbie always picks that card, not me!
* And now I'm afraid I might actually find myself sexually excited during the rescue scene in the tower at Cirith Ungol because I'm pretty sure it's the only nude scene we're getting, and, well... Naked Frodo/Elijah!
* And, no, before you start, Gollum in his loincloth does not count!
* Oh, crap, and I also made up those "Three Is Company" cards, including, among others, "Sibling Rivalry or Brotherly Love?"
Post-ROTK sins (which I imagine will increase in number as I move beyond the gobsmacked stage):
* Once, as I watched ROTK, I went all Purist and was outraged that PJ and Co strayed from the book in the Tower at Cirith Ungol, choosing unreasonably to leave Frodo his pants.
* I noticed Frodo's undies, though, and was slightly mollified.
* And now, every time I see that scene, all I can look at is the little drawstring on his undies.
* Four times I noticed that Faramir gets exponentially hotter with the application of oils.
* Three times Eomer--especially his eyes and his shoulders--made me go all wonky.
* And speaking of going wonky, when Aragorn runs for the Golden Hall when he sees the beacons...
* Twice I wondered if Aragorn weren't going to throw Arwen over for Legolas when he turned up at the coronation with his pretty, pretty headband.
* Once I wondered whether in the EE we'll see the scene between "The Last Debate" and "The Black Gate Opens" where Legolas gives Aragorn his first hair-braiding lesson.
* Four times, oddly enough (and I think this may save me) I did not have lusty thoughts when three out of four hobbits wound up frolicking in bed at the end of ROTK. But I was thinking enough about how not lustful I was feeling, that I am pretty certain my brain will go there eventually.
* I swoon at the first shots of Merry and Pippin in their armour.
* And Frodo and Sam all clean in their nighties.
* Yeah, basically any time the hobbits are all clean and decked out. And on ponies.
For these trespasses, I ask absolution. How many LordoftheRings.net cycles must I go through?
Respectfully (really!),
Cynthia